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Post by tnr9 on May 29, 2018 17:18:09 GMT
So this weekend B sent me a general hope you have a nice weekend text and since I was out with friends I did not see it until 3 hours later...but even then, I waited 2 additional hours because I had some errands to run. Yesterday I sent B a text wishing him a good day and he sent a response around 30 minutes later...which again I did not see for another hour as I was out and about, but then I was spending time with some other friends...so I did not respond until today. In part this was a personal challenge because I have always been so phone centric to the point that I would not be present to others...but also because I have this very "magical thinking" perspective that if I do not respond right away...that B will view that as me not caring and he will develop bad feelings about me. There also is this "protection" aspect, as in, I never want B to ever think I am ignoring him because he is so very important to me. So yes...I am swirling because the little girl in me is afraid that I have ruined everything...just by not responding to a text message in a timely fashion. Just needed to get that out.
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Post by tnr9 on May 29, 2018 17:47:49 GMT
Super proud of myself.....I was able to...as an adult..write a very caring email to B letting him know that I may not see or respond to text messages right away, but that I will always respond. I feel that this approach addresses both of my little girl's concerns....1. That B will think I am ignoring him and 2. That B will think negatively of me. This is a really huge breakthrough for me and I feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I can now give him the same latitude and not think that he is ignoring me or has negative feelings about me when he does not respond right away. 🙂
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Post by tnr9 on May 30, 2018 2:21:33 GMT
Just as an update...B did text me back. All is well.
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Post by leavethelighton on May 30, 2018 2:55:49 GMT
For perspective, you waited 5 hours. Not 5 months or 5 years.
I'm glad you felt a way to feel less anxious about it though.
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Post by tnr9 on May 30, 2018 2:59:05 GMT
For perspective, you waited 5 hours. Not 5 months or 5 years. I'm glad you felt a way to feel less anxious about it though. Yeh..the second one was more like 22 hours and a part of me felt like I missed the chance at more banter...but you are correct, it was not a very long delay. Part of the learning process...just grateful I can do this now. |
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Post by mrob on May 30, 2018 12:49:41 GMT
As I was reminded yesterday by a friend, my record is 3 months and 2 days. It wasn’t burning a hole in my pocket, though.
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Post by tnr9 on May 30, 2018 14:15:49 GMT
As I was reminded yesterday by a friend, my record is 3 months and 2 days. It wasn’t burning a hole in my pocket, though.  ...wow....that is quite a long time. Good to know that others are not as concerned about it as I obviously am....meaning that my "assumption" of what a delay means to the other person is invalid. Very helpful. |
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Post by mrob on May 30, 2018 23:42:59 GMT
In my last two relationships, this has been the single biggest killer.
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Post by tnr9 on May 31, 2018 5:23:49 GMT
In my last two relationships, this has been the single biggest killer. I think it is often difficult to gauge another person's intentions with texting (or delay thereof). I know that I often would swirl into thoughts that I did not matter to B whenever there was a significant "delay". I am in no way saying my response was rational..and thank goodness I did not reach out again each time that ocurred, instead I tried to honor the "one ping for every pong" approach. But I left so much "unsaid" and "unvalidated"...trying not to come across as demanding or needy...that I inadvertently became those very things. Because when there are only assumptions to go on...then communication breaks down due to lack of any context. I am now solely interpreting his actions on my interpretation of them through my own lens/my own bias/my own attachment pain. I now realize that it did not need to end up that way..I did not need to choose either to appease him and disregard me or speak to my fears and smother him...there was a third way...a much more mature way...which is to speak to my needs/concerns in a calm, caring and open way before the fear escalated into assumptions. This is what I am trying to work on now. |
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...wow....that is quite a long time. Good to know that others are not as concerned about it as I obviously am....meaning that my "assumption" of what a delay means to the other person is invalid. Very helpful.