Post by msa1091 on Aug 6, 2018 12:17:04 GMT
I am usually skeptical of psychological paradigms that attempt to explain things in broad strokes, but attachment theory has been one of the most illuminating things I have ever come across. I had come across it in the past, but never really delved into it because I didn't want to believe that things that happened in my past could define who I am today. I've brought it up with a therapist, and he was overall uninterested so I didn't pursue it, thinking I had the validation I needed that attachment theory was no better than other pop psychology stuff.
Fast forward to now, and wow hahaha, how did I ever think it didn't apply to me? It's absolutely wild how it has diagrammed my past relationships. It's even shown me the predictable patterns/approaches I have used unknowingly to move myself away from AP behaviors and into more secure ones (and of course would sometimes skew me into FA territory). I read or hear about relationship problems, and attachment theory nails the majority of the underlying issues. You just keep seeing the same patterns over and over and over.
Like many here, what brought me to delving into attachment styles was of course an end of a toxic romantic relationship. It was a brutal breakup with really bewildering aspects to it. I was searching for answers, trying to understand why I was so affected by it, why I had all these incredibly self-destructive behaviors that I had rarely seen in the past 3 years of self-growth crop back up? Why was I so obsessed, why did it feel so devastating and hard? I thought it was because I was losing something profound, something I'd never find again. But the truth is that I was deeply entangled in a dance that had been slowly brewing for the course of 2 years with someone I believe behaved as a DA with me. I had encountered avoidants before, but not of the dismissive variety. I had never been "in love" before, and here I was thinking I had finally fallen in love with a man I (frankly) barely even knew and who clearly didn't want me. What made me so attracted and attached to this person, this person who barely saw me as a real person? Who used me and then disposed of me when I started being "difficult" in response to his hurtful actions? DA doesn't explain everything about his behaviors, but it started to make so much sense why I clung onto someone so hard who was clearly not a good match. I was never going to leave on my own.
I am so glad to have found a community of some of the most empathetic and caring members. I have read many of the posts in here, trying to soak it all in. Comparing experiences, crying at stories that hit home, feeling less alone...
Sometimes I feel like I'm doomed, my prognosis is bleak. I was adopted (international) at the age of 5. Was abandoned at the age of 3, spent a couple years in an orphanage. I have no memories of this. My mother always insisted I had trauma over this--armchair diagnosed me with PTSD, and would use it as an excuse for my behavior, never allowing herself to examine how she also contributed greatly to my childhood trauma. My parents were medically, financially, emotionally, and psychologically neglectful and abusive growing up. Pile that onto the difficulties of living with people who were not my race, experiencing subtle and overt racism at school, in public, and then at home with my own family. My first suicide attempt was at age 12, but of course I did not receive any mental health services until many years later. I was first hospitalized in high school, where I got my first diagnosis of BPD. I would be hospitalized again two more times throughout college, again coming with BPD diagnoses. Strangely enough, the doctors I worked closest with (my psychiatrists and psychologist) were always surprised and skeptical of being diagnosed with BPD. My psychologist whom I worked weekly with for 3 years had no idea until I was hospitalized and he saw my diagnosis. He actually forgot about it after until I was hospitalized again a couple years later. Whether that speaks ill of him or well of me, I'm not sure haha.
Anyway, I am now in my latter 20's, and I'm back in my home country (for an extended visit to see the aforementioned partner who is an expat here) and facing some deep-buried identity and abandonment issues. We are polyamorous, and our relationship was always long distance and founded on instability. I loved him for who I thought he was, and he idealized me for who he wanted me to be. He officially broke up with me 10 minutes before we parted (on the day we met 2 years ago, of course lol) as he was to go back to the US to visit his wife for a couple of weeks, leaving me here, abandoned once again in this country that rejected me all those years ago. I say officially because the relationship quickly deteriorated almost as soon as I arrived here, but we engaged in that awful dance right up until he had the opportunity to flee and not look back. It has been 3 weeks, and I don't know that I'll ever see him again as he decided will not return until his company calls him back, which the timing is unable to be determined by anyone. Meanwhile, I am living in his flat, fucking in his bed, and letting him pay the bills. This is all consensual of course, not a vindictive move on my part, but I will admit that I do feel empowered for unapologetically enjoying it.
I have come too long of a way to be brought down by this man, but boy has it tried me hard. Learning about attachment theory and reading this forum was crucial to bringing me out of the despair. I have discovered that my relationships otherwise at this point in my life are healthier than they ever have been, and most fit a very "secure" model. This honestly pleased and surprised me to learn this. I have discovered new triggers, as well as identifying life-long triggers I never confronted. I may always have the tendencies of an AP and a borderline, but I know this doesn't mean I can't have healthy relationships. I know that I am capable of secure attachments and now I have even more tools to achieve and maintain that. I am walking away from this as a stronger person with more in my toolkit, while he is empty-handed, left dancing that same insidious dance with his AP wife and refusing any opportunities to grow. I am struggling a lot still, but now I know that is expected and normal for my AP mind and have confidence that I will get through this eventually.
Thanks for being a safe space for me to unload.
Fast forward to now, and wow hahaha, how did I ever think it didn't apply to me? It's absolutely wild how it has diagrammed my past relationships. It's even shown me the predictable patterns/approaches I have used unknowingly to move myself away from AP behaviors and into more secure ones (and of course would sometimes skew me into FA territory). I read or hear about relationship problems, and attachment theory nails the majority of the underlying issues. You just keep seeing the same patterns over and over and over.
Like many here, what brought me to delving into attachment styles was of course an end of a toxic romantic relationship. It was a brutal breakup with really bewildering aspects to it. I was searching for answers, trying to understand why I was so affected by it, why I had all these incredibly self-destructive behaviors that I had rarely seen in the past 3 years of self-growth crop back up? Why was I so obsessed, why did it feel so devastating and hard? I thought it was because I was losing something profound, something I'd never find again. But the truth is that I was deeply entangled in a dance that had been slowly brewing for the course of 2 years with someone I believe behaved as a DA with me. I had encountered avoidants before, but not of the dismissive variety. I had never been "in love" before, and here I was thinking I had finally fallen in love with a man I (frankly) barely even knew and who clearly didn't want me. What made me so attracted and attached to this person, this person who barely saw me as a real person? Who used me and then disposed of me when I started being "difficult" in response to his hurtful actions? DA doesn't explain everything about his behaviors, but it started to make so much sense why I clung onto someone so hard who was clearly not a good match. I was never going to leave on my own.
I am so glad to have found a community of some of the most empathetic and caring members. I have read many of the posts in here, trying to soak it all in. Comparing experiences, crying at stories that hit home, feeling less alone...
Sometimes I feel like I'm doomed, my prognosis is bleak. I was adopted (international) at the age of 5. Was abandoned at the age of 3, spent a couple years in an orphanage. I have no memories of this. My mother always insisted I had trauma over this--armchair diagnosed me with PTSD, and would use it as an excuse for my behavior, never allowing herself to examine how she also contributed greatly to my childhood trauma. My parents were medically, financially, emotionally, and psychologically neglectful and abusive growing up. Pile that onto the difficulties of living with people who were not my race, experiencing subtle and overt racism at school, in public, and then at home with my own family. My first suicide attempt was at age 12, but of course I did not receive any mental health services until many years later. I was first hospitalized in high school, where I got my first diagnosis of BPD. I would be hospitalized again two more times throughout college, again coming with BPD diagnoses. Strangely enough, the doctors I worked closest with (my psychiatrists and psychologist) were always surprised and skeptical of being diagnosed with BPD. My psychologist whom I worked weekly with for 3 years had no idea until I was hospitalized and he saw my diagnosis. He actually forgot about it after until I was hospitalized again a couple years later. Whether that speaks ill of him or well of me, I'm not sure haha.
Anyway, I am now in my latter 20's, and I'm back in my home country (for an extended visit to see the aforementioned partner who is an expat here) and facing some deep-buried identity and abandonment issues. We are polyamorous, and our relationship was always long distance and founded on instability. I loved him for who I thought he was, and he idealized me for who he wanted me to be. He officially broke up with me 10 minutes before we parted (on the day we met 2 years ago, of course lol) as he was to go back to the US to visit his wife for a couple of weeks, leaving me here, abandoned once again in this country that rejected me all those years ago. I say officially because the relationship quickly deteriorated almost as soon as I arrived here, but we engaged in that awful dance right up until he had the opportunity to flee and not look back. It has been 3 weeks, and I don't know that I'll ever see him again as he decided will not return until his company calls him back, which the timing is unable to be determined by anyone. Meanwhile, I am living in his flat, fucking in his bed, and letting him pay the bills. This is all consensual of course, not a vindictive move on my part, but I will admit that I do feel empowered for unapologetically enjoying it.
I have come too long of a way to be brought down by this man, but boy has it tried me hard. Learning about attachment theory and reading this forum was crucial to bringing me out of the despair. I have discovered that my relationships otherwise at this point in my life are healthier than they ever have been, and most fit a very "secure" model. This honestly pleased and surprised me to learn this. I have discovered new triggers, as well as identifying life-long triggers I never confronted. I may always have the tendencies of an AP and a borderline, but I know this doesn't mean I can't have healthy relationships. I know that I am capable of secure attachments and now I have even more tools to achieve and maintain that. I am walking away from this as a stronger person with more in my toolkit, while he is empty-handed, left dancing that same insidious dance with his AP wife and refusing any opportunities to grow. I am struggling a lot still, but now I know that is expected and normal for my AP mind and have confidence that I will get through this eventually.
Thanks for being a safe space for me to unload.
