That said, while I feared taking this action, it was not the right action for me. It did lead to clarity and disillusion, which do benefit me in the end, but it is not an expression of my true heart and nature. It was an expression of my mind.
What would have expressed my true heart and nature is to express joy and enthusiasm in my body in the actual moment I appreciated and enjoyed. I have done some of that, but held in some of it too. Held it in, blended it with fantasy and then created a mental summary and conclusion and put that into words and pasted it into a tekst message.
Because I had been holding myself in. Not as much as last year. But some still. Why? Another fear. Another fear that is breaking away a little. But has not fully broken open yet. And breaking open that fear is my work.
There is still work to be done.
Last Edit: Sept 30, 2018 7:15:10 GMT by goldilocks
By the way, expressing the mind is also beautiful and worthwhile, but it is not my path. I enjoy writing and can write well. Writing does transmit my feelings but in an edited and polished way. There have been moments when it was important for me to write down my feelings and speak them out. For example; my father's funeral. Helping my friend write the letter to her husband that changed their relationship. Giving presentations at work is also a good place to express this.
That said, my main path, especially when it comes to love, is to dance my feelings. Dancing allows me to feel my raw feelings and express them in the moment with no filter or editing. The polish of technique and posture is drenched into my bones by practice and habit, not added to cover anything up. I unveil all of my heart, the beautiful and the ugly, the joy and the sadness, the anger and the serenity.
If I did a lot of more physical work during the day, teaching kindergarden or being a physiotherapist, I do think writing would bring more balance in my life. My work is more analytical and what I need is more physical expression of my emotions. My whole self wants to be expressed in my life.
There is no need to look for love, nor to avoid love. As I said in my healing thread, I am walking the path as love.
If I am in the moment, when there is a moment with another, without hurts from the past or fears of the future, and can express my feelings in the moment, I show joy where there is reason for joy and fear where there is reason for fear in that moment with that person.
If I am in the moment when I am alone, enjoying my solitude or fully feeling my loneliness and the uncertainty, without padding my heart with fantasies and illusions.
There was no need for answers, because the bitter truth is, that had he responded "Oh, yes, I would love to do something fun with you" I would have continues feeding the fantasies and holding on to the illusions. I would still not be able to sit with feelings of uncertainty. There would be new moments of uncertainty again and again. Would I have learned to sit with the feeling and express it for myself or would I seek comfort in fantasies and then be impatient for them coming to pass? And at the same time afraid of what might happen if they do come to pass?
There is always ambiguity in life, and especially when dealing with a person who has FA tendencies. Dancing in the ambiguity is part of the package. But even so, in that uncertainty, there was no reason to pad my heart with illusions. Analysing the situation when I could have enjoyed solitude or sat with feelings of uncertainty brought comfort but took me out of the moment and out of my body.
There was no need for answers, only a need to let go of illusions and be in the moment in the body.