|
|
Post by jaleesa on Sept 29, 2018 10:31:53 GMT
Hi all,
My boyfriend broke up with me yesterday. After one year. I'm so heartbroken that it hurts to even breathe.
After my previous relationship with a DA/narcissistic guy, I've done a lot of hard work on myself. I'm way more confident than I've ever been and I know that his choice has nothing to do with me. I thought he was FA, but turned out that he's bipolar and due to his medication he feels emotionally numb, which basically means that there was no intimacy other than cuddling. This triggered my AP tendencies but I was able to manage it and selfsoothe.
Yesterday he made the choice to focus on himself and honestly, I'm really proud of him. I love him so much that I really hope he'll feel better soon. He's one of the good guys and he deserves to be happy. But my heart shattered into a million peaces. Yet again it didn't work out, another failed relationship, and my anxiety and abandonment issues are taking control over me. I'm going to miss him so so so much. I'm crying as I type this. He's my best friend, we have so much in common and for the first time in my life it genuinely felt like this could be the one. Even though I know it's for the best, I can't help but feel like I lost someone so precious.
We both want to stay friends, but right now I don't know what to do with myself. I have this tendency to feel sorry for myself and to lock myself up in my own house for weeks when my heart is broken. I don't want to do that anymore but this anxiety.. I just don't know what to do. Hope I can get support here. You guys are awesome. Thank you so much.
|
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Sept 29, 2018 11:15:41 GMT
jaleesa...I am so sorry...I know the pain must be excruciating. Right now, I wouldn't make any decisions regarding friendship...I think it is important to use this time to grieve. A breakup, regardless of how good the intention is, is the end of something and unless it wasn't important...of course you will grieve that loss. Focus on you...do things with friends, find expressive avenues to process through your grief, find a cause you are passionate about and volunteer ...post here any time it feels ovwrwhelming or lonely so that we can support you. Many cyber hugs.❤️❤️❤️❤️
|
|
|
|
Post by jaleesa on Sept 29, 2018 12:53:58 GMT
jaleesa...I am so sorry...I know the pain must be excruciating. Right now, I wouldn't make any decisions regarding friendship...I think it is important to use this time to grieve. A breakup, regardless of how good the intention is, is the end of something and unless it wasn't important...of course you will grieve that loss. Focus on you...do things with friends, find expressive avenues to process through your grief, find a cause you are passionate about and volunteer ...post here any time it feels ovwrwhelming or lonely so that we can support you. Many cyber hugs.❤️❤️❤️❤️ Thank you so much. I appreciate this a lot! I feel so lost right now. I asked him if I could have done anything differently and he said: "Jalees, never ever ever doubt yourself. You are great. You are the sweetest woman I've ever met. Yes I was annoyed sometimes, but I didn't mind. The reason why I'm breaking up with you has nothing to do with you." So this made me want to cry even more. He's such a sweet guy. I want to call him already because I want to tell him the same stupid stories we used to tell each other everyday. But I can't, I want to respect his boundaries. It makes me sad and I feel like a failure. Alone again, without my best friend by my side. |
|
andy
Full Member
Posts: 131
|
Post by andy on Sept 29, 2018 16:03:02 GMT
❤❤❤❤❤ to you, jaleesa. Sending big hugs your way. Of course it's natural you're feeling a lot of heartache now and not sure how to cope with such a big change and loss. I hope you can challenge any little voices inside you saying that you're a failure or alone again. Breakups are such a common human experience and in no way mean that the person who was broken up with is lacking or a failure. It's just a thing that happens to good people - wonderful people! - when the match isn't quite working. Even if we do make mistakes in relationships, and I guarantee that we all do, that just means we are human and continually learning, not that we're failures. I'm sure you know this and would probably tell a friend this who was going through something similar. I hope you can be a loyal and compassionate friend to yourself, now more than ever. It is a victory that you're so clear about wanting to honour his boundaries by not getting in touch with him right now, AND can you also view that as a way you are looking out for yourself and protecting your heart during a vulnerable time? I think you can take pride in the wisdom and resolve you're showing and notice the ways you're dealing with the situation that are good for YOU! You know you aren't alone because you posted here - good idea! There is a supportive community here. If you have any people in your life who are supportive, like friends, now would be a great time to cultivate and enjoy those relationships and give them the time they deserve. Unfortunately, our culture tries to teach us that we are alone in life if we don't have a romantic partner, and that couldn't be more untrue (or damaging). As tnr9 suggested, you might feel the power of togetherness and collaboration with others by volunteering... and your own power too! In my experience that has been an excellent breakup recovery technique. All the very best to you. |
|
|
|
Post by leavethelighton on Sept 30, 2018 3:55:42 GMT
Hi Jaleesa. It's going to be a process, mourning losses isn't easy, but take care of yourself the best you can. And do ask friends for what you need (someone to have a drink and vent with you or go for a hike or share a spa day, whatever would help you feel not isolated). Let yourself grieve without feeling guilt or shame even if you do hole up alone in our house for awhile, but get out and about to. And we're here. Thinking good wishes for you.
|
|
|
|
Post by jaleesa on Sept 30, 2018 8:57:54 GMT
❤❤❤❤❤ to you, jaleesa. Sending big hugs your way. Of course it's natural you're feeling a lot of heartache now and not sure how to cope with such a big change and loss. I hope you can challenge any little voices inside you saying that you're a failure or alone again. Breakups are such a common human experience and in no way mean that the person who was broken up with is lacking or a failure. It's just a thing that happens to good people - wonderful people! - when the match isn't quite working. Even if we do make mistakes in relationships, and I guarantee that we all do, that just means we are human and continually learning, not that we're failures. I'm sure you know this and would probably tell a friend this who was going through something similar. I hope you can be a loyal and compassionate friend to yourself, now more than ever. It is a victory that you're so clear about wanting to honour his boundaries by not getting in touch with him right now, AND can you also view that as a way you are looking out for yourself and protecting your heart during a vulnerable time? I think you can take pride in the wisdom and resolve you're showing and notice the ways you're dealing with the situation that are good for YOU! You know you aren't alone because you posted here - good idea! There is a supportive community here. If you have any people in your life who are supportive, like friends, now would be a great time to cultivate and enjoy those relationships and give them the time they deserve. Unfortunately, our culture tries to teach us that we are alone in life if we don't have a romantic partner, and that couldn't be more untrue (or damaging). As tnr9 suggested, you might feel the power of togetherness and collaboration with others by volunteering... and your own power too! In my experience that has been an excellent breakup recovery technique. All the very best to you. Thank you so much andy. I'm having a hard time right now. This was the most genuine, healthy and loving relationship I've ever been in. Sometimes it felt like I was sitting next to the male version of myself. We had so much in common. Even though I realize our relationship was far from perfect and that it lacked intimacy, he was perfect to me with all his imperfections and the basics of friendship were definitely there. I know he can't give me what I want right now and that I need to move on, but I can't let go of all the what ifs. I'm scared I will never find someone like him and that he only wants to stay friends just because it's the polite thing to say. This anxiety is killing me to the point of feeling physically sick. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't breathe, sore muscles, I feel nervous all the time. I don't want to do this anymore. I'm so done with myself and all these emotions. |
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Sept 30, 2018 12:26:12 GMT
❤❤❤❤❤ to you, jaleesa . Sending big hugs your way. Of course it's natural you're feeling a lot of heartache now and not sure how to cope with such a big change and loss. I hope you can challenge any little voices inside you saying that you're a failure or alone again. Breakups are such a common human experience and in no way mean that the person who was broken up with is lacking or a failure. It's just a thing that happens to good people - wonderful people! - when the match isn't quite working. Even if we do make mistakes in relationships, and I guarantee that we all do, that just means we are human and continually learning, not that we're failures. I'm sure you know this and would probably tell a friend this who was going through something similar. I hope you can be a loyal and compassionate friend to yourself, now more than ever. It is a victory that you're so clear about wanting to honour his boundaries by not getting in touch with him right now, AND can you also view that as a way you are looking out for yourself and protecting your heart during a vulnerable time? I think you can take pride in the wisdom and resolve you're showing and notice the ways you're dealing with the situation that are good for YOU! You know you aren't alone because you posted here - good idea! There is a supportive community here. If you have any people in your life who are supportive, like friends, now would be a great time to cultivate and enjoy those relationships and give them the time they deserve. Unfortunately, our culture tries to teach us that we are alone in life if we don't have a romantic partner, and that couldn't be more untrue (or damaging). As tnr9 suggested, you might feel the power of togetherness and collaboration with others by volunteering... and your own power too! In my experience that has been an excellent breakup recovery technique. All the very best to you. Thank you so much andy. I'm having a hard time right now. This was the most genuine, healthy and loving relationship I've ever been in. Sometimes it felt like I was sitting next to the male version of myself. We had so much in common. Even though I realize our relationship was far from perfect and that it lacked intimacy, he was perfect to me with all his imperfections and the basics of friendship were definitely there. I know he can't give me what I want right now and that I need to move on, but I can't let go of all the what ifs. I'm scared I will never find someone like him and that he only wants to stay friends just because it's the polite thing to say. This anxiety is killing me to the point of feeling physically sick. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't breathe, sore muscles, I feel nervous all the time. I don't want to do this anymore. I'm so done with myself and all these emotions. ...don't turn against yourself...have compassion.....a breakup takes time to grieve...it has only been a couple of days. I get the fear..I understand the hurt....in the space where the two of you are apart...let yourself grow in self love...let him do the same. Do not focus on the friendship...if it is meant to be, it will happen. |
|
andy
Full Member
Posts: 131
|
Post by andy on Sept 30, 2018 17:22:46 GMT
I'm sorry it's so painful. tnr9 is right, you need time to grieve and all the compassion and understanding for yourself that you can find. Maybe if you notice yourself thinking what-if thoughts or worrying that you won't find someone as good, you can gently just notice those thoughts and not fight them right now. Like tell yourself, "Oh, that's a what-if thought, that's where I'm at in the process. Hello, what-if thought, I see you and I don't judge you." I think that when things feel so raw and painful - as they would for anyone two days after a breakup - those thoughts only get more powerful when you try to battle them. This idea comes partly from something ocarina said in the thread about love vs attachment which I think is in the AP forum. I've also done an exercise where you imagine yourself sitting by a creek in the forest and picture leaves floating by on the creek and passing out of your field of vision. Then you try to notice thoughts passing through your mind and visualize them as words or images on the leaves, and just observe them without judgement as they each float past and away from you. I think this exercise might come from Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. I have found it helpful for turning down the thoughts and judgements about my own thinking, and I get a peaceful feeling from the visualization of sitting by a creek. You take excellent care and go easy on yourself. We are all thinking of you and wishing you some peace during this hard time. ❤ |
|
|
|
Post by hachristensen79 on Oct 2, 2018 3:16:09 GMT
I am two and a half mo this after my breakup with the same exact man you described. I guess it has gotten easier because I can get out of bed and I am doing things with friends, but he and I were also very good together until he got scared and pulled away triggering my anxiety and abandonment issues. I am still grieving and wish I could be of some help but if you need to vent or to chat... let me know. Sometimes it is easier to know that there is someone going through the same thing you are.
|
|
|
|
Post by alexandra on Oct 8, 2018 19:30:19 GMT
Hi, jaleesa, how are you feeling this week? |
|
|
|
Post by jaleesa on Oct 14, 2018 9:57:41 GMT
Hi, jaleesa, how are you feeling this week? Thank you so much for asking alexandra! I'm not in a really good place right now to be honest. I'm on anti-anxiety medication because I couldn't take it any longer. I feel really depressed and anxious. I got some time to think though and I realize it's for the best that we broke up. I found out that he's in contact with one of his exes again. He never introduced her to family or friends because he said she didn't mean that much to him, but when we started dating, he kept her toothbrush and some other unimportant things laying around because "he wanted to give it back to her when he would see her again". Eventually he threw it all away because he saw I was hurt, but now I know that he contacted her again I just don't trust him anymore. Especially since he broke up with me because he wanted to focus on himself and deal with his depression. Also, he said things like "you can't let people too close or you will get hurt" and "it's unrealistic to think that people will always stay together". Although I agree with the latter to some extent, I could tell that it came from a place of fear. I do miss him but I guess I just see some things from a different perspective now. It's just a bit of a turnoff but I don't know if I'm able to see things clearly now that I feel depressed and anxious. Maybe it's me? I really don't know  I'm having trouble coping, that's for sure. |
|
I'm having trouble coping, that's for sure.