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Post by ocarina on Nov 21, 2018 14:06:18 GMT
This might be a bit of a one sided conversation - but anyway...
I am still working on my own emotional availability and have had something of a breakthrough recently - having been feeling twitchy at the return of my DA partner after some time apart, I realised (chronicled elsewhere on here) that nothing had fundamentally changed and that for this reason I was unable to fully invest in the relationship. I felt some guilt at this, some sadness but what I did feel - for once, is that I trusted my own intuition and my decision. That is huge for me having spent a great deal of time in this relationship dumbing down what I need in order to fit round his very rigid requirements for distance etc. It feels immensely freeing to have this inkling of what self trust is like,
I have a building project going on at home at the moment - and life is full on with work, children and the project. This morning was free for me and I undertook some hefty physical outdoor work - and a very dear girl friend asked to come and help - as a DA I would never have thought to ask and it was such a joy to spend some time working together, sharing in a way that I guess is usual for most people, but for me as an intensely self sufficient and resilient person, doesn't happen often. It also placed the DA man in my life in sharp contrast - he who was tied up with his own projects, his own work, his own thing, too much to offer to help or even be there at any point during my very precious free time. It doesn't hurt - but if we were in a relationship it would and the sure fire feelings of resentment would begin to creep back in.
So - all is good in Ocarina land - living by values is getting easier! |
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Post by goldilocks on Nov 21, 2018 22:40:57 GMT
I´m here!
I am so glad you are doing well and living according to your values. It is so satisfying to the soul.
Being able to ask for help is a good thing! Realising you want and need a mate you can rely on for practical help and the supportive feeling of working together.
To value and accept your needs and desires and to trust that you can meet them for yourself and in cooperation with others is very beautiful!
I too am well. Somehow I am popular with the gents and enjoying an active dating life. I am also much more comfortable feeling and expressing my emotions than I was last year. I am at times pleasantly surprised by what I discover in my heart!
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Post by goldilocks on Nov 22, 2018 3:12:34 GMT
To avoid the risk of highjacking the thread, would you move your reply to the DA general forum as a new thread rather than bringing AP experiences into the DA support forum?
Thanks in advance!
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Post by ocarina on Nov 22, 2018 23:29:41 GMT
I´m here! I am so glad you are doing well and living according to your values. It is so satisfying to the soul. Being able to ask for help is a good thing! Realising you want and need a mate you can rely on for practical help and the supportive feeling of working together. To value and accept your needs and desires and to trust that you can meet them for yourself and in cooperation with others is very beautiful! I too am well. Somehow I am popular with the gents and enjoying an active dating life. I am also much more comfortable feeling and expressing my emotions than I was last year. I am at times pleasantly surprised by what I discover in my heart! Goldilocks that's wonderful - real growth indeed and I am very happy for you - and that you're still here! It can be really difficult for people of different attachment styles to see into the avoidant heart from any angle except when trying to change a partner to fit their needs - so it's very very helpful for me to have another person to bounce my craziness off in safety! I do find that working together with someone on a project often brings closeness - maybe because it's not too intense or threatening and we have a shared goal. Also having someone stick by me in the way that this friend has is life affirming - I hope I can bring some of this to other people too. |
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Post by goldilocks on Nov 22, 2018 23:54:38 GMT
Goldilocks that's wonderful - real growth indeed and I am very happy for you - and that you're still here! It can be really difficult for people of different attachment styles to see into the avoidant heart from any angle except when trying to change a partner to fit their needs For this reason I enjoy the DA support forum! Here we can express all the authentic feelings from the avoidant heart without those who would feel hurt simply accepting the truth. - so it's very very helpful for me to have another person to bounce my craziness off in safety! I do find that working together with someone on a project often brings closeness - maybe because it's not too intense or threatening and we have a shared goal. Also having someone stick by me in the way that this friend has is life affirming - I hope I can bring some of this to other people too. I hope so too. Have you tried smaller shared goals? |
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Post by ocarina on Nov 23, 2018 0:07:52 GMT
I went out with - I don't know how to define him - my love who I do not wish to be in a relationship with!!!! this evening - and we shared some things -his daughters challenges at school with behavioural and motivational problems, his own feelings of alienation, my overwhelm at work. Sharing these things verbally and receiving some kind of shared understanding and support is very healing - but I also realise now that I need some kind of stable physical togetherness too in order to really feel connection.
It can be difficult at times to know what it actually is that I want and I feel a bit as though I demand it all on my own terms - some togetherness but not too much and really when I feel like it!!! Ouch - sounding like a spoiled diva - but in reality it's more subtle than that = a partner who is independent but not afraid or incapable of real consistent intimacy and who will call me out on my baggage and allow me to do the same to him if needs be.
Dating sounds fun Goldi - what a journey.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 23, 2018 11:43:10 GMT
I went out with - I don't know how to define him - my love who I do not wish to be in a relationship with!!!! this evening - and we shared some things -his daughters challenges at school with behavioural and motivational problems, his own feelings of alienation, my overwhelm at work. Sharing these things verbally and receiving some kind of shared understanding and support is very healing - but I also realise now that I need some kind of stable physical togetherness too in order to really feel connection. It can be difficult at times to know what it actually is that I want and I feel a bit as though I demand it all on my own terms - some togetherness but not too much and really when I feel like it!!! Ouch - sounding like a spoiled diva - but in reality it's more subtle than that = a partner who is independent but not afraid or incapable of real consistent intimacy and who will call me out on my baggage and allow me to do the same to him if needs be.Dating sounds fun Goldi - what a journey. It sounds like you want a secure partner - that doesn't sound spoiled diva to me, it sounds like you forgive your own capacity for intimacy and are seeking something complimentary I see self acceptance and a will to be in a healthy relationship |
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