Post by Deleted on Nov 21, 2018 18:42:04 GMT
I thought this would be an interesting thing to try, writing a list of your fantasy thoughts, ideas, and images about a relationship and also a list to counteract those with what really happened, or what your real motivations are or how you really experienced something. I also wrote some questions below to ponder.
Fantasy
i.e. We have so many interests in common
i.e. I miss him
Reality
i.e. Over-focusing on shared interests allowed us to hot-wire a closer "connection", became a distraction from the risk of getting to know each other intimately, something to hide our incompatibility behind, most likely exaggerated by my trigger-happy attachment system as a means of survival - in reality, we had more important things that we didn't have in common that would neutralise the superficial things if I didn't have this attachment style (i.e. conflicting value systems, incompatible nervous systems, irreconcilable differences and preferences over what a good relationship looks and feels like)
i.e. I miss the positive and negative feelings elicited in me during the time he was in my life (the exciting inconsistency, the feeling of being wanted, the feeling of loving someone, the feeling of someone being slightly out of my grasp and me equating the degree to which someone is 'out of my grasp' with how valuable they must be in comparison to me - therefore giving myself an ego stroke or a self fulfilling beating over how 'not enough' I must be)
I somewhat enjoyed the game of proving myself, as this is how I was taught how to interact with men, and he would regularly make me the performing monkey
There are more things that I do not miss about him than I do miss about him: crippling anxiety and activation, routine pain as result of dismissal etc
What do I want from you that I am denying that I can get from somewhere else? (i.e. security - I fear that I am too incapable to do X for myself, so I value that in you)
What is the evidence that you fit the fantasy I have of you?
What information about you that I do not include in the fantasy I have of you because it would ruin the fantasy?
What is the evidence that the fantasy I have of you conflicts directly with reality?
What do I need to do now to give myself what I valued in you and denied in myself? (i.e. security - I can get plan out a map to succeeding my own dreams, budget more efficiently etc)
Fantasy
i.e. We have so many interests in common
i.e. I miss him
Reality
i.e. Over-focusing on shared interests allowed us to hot-wire a closer "connection", became a distraction from the risk of getting to know each other intimately, something to hide our incompatibility behind, most likely exaggerated by my trigger-happy attachment system as a means of survival - in reality, we had more important things that we didn't have in common that would neutralise the superficial things if I didn't have this attachment style (i.e. conflicting value systems, incompatible nervous systems, irreconcilable differences and preferences over what a good relationship looks and feels like)
i.e. I miss the positive and negative feelings elicited in me during the time he was in my life (the exciting inconsistency, the feeling of being wanted, the feeling of loving someone, the feeling of someone being slightly out of my grasp and me equating the degree to which someone is 'out of my grasp' with how valuable they must be in comparison to me - therefore giving myself an ego stroke or a self fulfilling beating over how 'not enough' I must be)
I somewhat enjoyed the game of proving myself, as this is how I was taught how to interact with men, and he would regularly make me the performing monkey
There are more things that I do not miss about him than I do miss about him: crippling anxiety and activation, routine pain as result of dismissal etc
What do I want from you that I am denying that I can get from somewhere else? (i.e. security - I fear that I am too incapable to do X for myself, so I value that in you)
What is the evidence that you fit the fantasy I have of you?
What information about you that I do not include in the fantasy I have of you because it would ruin the fantasy?
What is the evidence that the fantasy I have of you conflicts directly with reality?
What do I need to do now to give myself what I valued in you and denied in myself? (i.e. security - I can get plan out a map to succeeding my own dreams, budget more efficiently etc)
