|
|
Post by tnr9 on Nov 28, 2018 11:54:25 GMT
Last weekend I had a melt down....by myself....I was completely caught up in stories in my head that made me feel so crappy and sad that I was stuck in a hopeless loop....and then the paranoia started which did not help. I have a incredibly active imagination....so active in fact, that I can create what I perceive as believable scenarios. Once caught up in one of these stories....I literally cannot stop...it becomes hopeless rumination that just activates my fear, regret, jealousy and longing. Although this must have served me at some point in my life...it is not serving me now...in fact..it is keeping me perpetually stuck. Trying to reason with it doesn't help, trying to offer alternatives doesn't help....so the only thing I am left with right now is to counter that it is a story.
Last week....I could literally see (in my mind) B hanging out with R.....laughing, having a good time, growing closer to her...her being interested but able to interact without being AP. The thing is...later that day, a mutual friend called...she was rushed and could not talk for very long and due to the story...I added that she didnot want to talk because she knew I would ask about B and R...which just made me feel worse.
I am ok now...that story only lasted a day...but it was a miserable day and took me to an incredibly low place. I know everyone is likely a bit sick of reading about B....and I get that.....but I am also trying to keep things real. I am grateful the story only lasted a day....that truly is progress....but.....I don't want to lose my life to stories that are my own interpretation of things without any facts. That made sense for a little girl whose parents were not acting consistent, but as an adult...this feels like self punishment to the nth degree. I don't know if this is strictly my flavor of AP or if other have struggled in this space. It is great for character development and empathy...but then it becomes mind reading and associating traits, behaviors and experiences that are not confirmed. Also....I keep thinking B is so much better without me...that is another aspect of the story that is so very painful...because that gets interpreted as there is something really wrong with me. Anyway...any insight and comments are appreciated.
|
|
|
|
Post by ocarina on Nov 28, 2018 12:36:57 GMT
Have you heard of acceptance and commitment therapy tnr9 ? I did an 8 week online course - and it was honestly life changing. I can see that you recognise that this stuff is in your head - that it's a very realistic story you're telling yourself or film you are watching that is so real that it becomes your reality - temporarily at least. The next step is to notice the story when it first starts and unhook from it - not by struggle to avoid it but really just by choosing to move in the opposite direction whilst still allowing your experience to be what it is. If you have the time (and the finances) I can totally recommend the course - and there are some free resources on the website thehappinesstrap.com/8-week-program/There is plenty of professional support during the program - interactive so really more akin to therapy than yet another online self help foray. There is also a huge amount of medical evidence to show that it works in treating and managing anxiety and depression - it's so sad to spend much of ones life not really there by being hijacked by these kind of painful stories playing over and over again. I feel for you tnr9. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 28, 2018 13:24:30 GMT
Last weekend I had a melt down....by myself....I was completely caught up in stories in my head that made me feel so crappy and sad that I was stuck in a hopeless loop....and then the paranoia started which did not help. I have a incredibly active imagination....so active in fact, that I can create what I perceive as believable scenarios. Once caught up in one of these stories....I literally cannot stop...it becomes hopeless rumination that just activates my fear, regret, jealousy and longing. Although this must have served me at some point in my life...it is not serving me now...in fact..it is keeping me perpetually stuck. Trying to reason with it doesn't help, trying to offer alternatives doesn't help....so the only thing I am left with right now is to counter that it is a story. Last week....I could literally see (in my mind) B hanging out with R.....laughing, having a good time, growing closer to her...her being interested but able to interact without being AP. The thing is...later that day, a mutual friend called...she was rushed and could not talk for very long and due to the story...I added that she didnot want to talk because she knew I would ask about B and R...which just made me feel worse. I am ok now...that story only lasted a day...but it was a miserable day and took me to an incredibly low place. I know everyone is likely a bit sick of reading about B....and I get that.....but I am also trying to keep things real. I am grateful the story only lasted a day....that truly is progress....but.....I don't want to lose my life to stories that are my own interpretation of things without any facts. That made sense for a little girl whose parents were not acting consistent, but as an adult...this feels like self punishment to the nth degree. I don't know if this is strictly my flavor of AP or if other have struggled in this space. It is great for character development and empathy...but then it becomes mind reading and associating traits, behaviors and experiences that are not confirmed. Also....I keep thinking B is so much better without me...that is another aspect of the story that is so very painful...because that gets interpreted as there is something really wrong with me. Anyway...any insight and comments are appreciated. I’m with you there. I watch these Chinese period dramas (I’m Asian) that are full of strife and emperors with concubines and what not, and I literally make stories up about me and ex. It’s always been fun to make stories up as a kid and “escape” into another world in which I can be anything and be the protagonist. But the stories I make up about me and ex are always the worst kind with lots of separation and abandonment and contempt (him of me). I’ve also always looked up to him and that contributed to it. I was triggered and then the stories kept me triggered and it was a loss spiral. |
|
|
|
Post by epicgum on Nov 28, 2018 14:29:50 GMT
I'm not "sick" ot hearing about B, talk for as long or as little as you need to. You dont need to apologize.
|
|
|
|
Post by leavethelighton on Nov 29, 2018 2:16:27 GMT
I am like imagination queen, though less so the older I get.
With repeated stories, I think it's useful to imagine it lighting up certain parts of the brain. It's like activating a loop or record. The more you have the fantasy the stronger the light in the brain. I realized I could "indulge" or I could consciously choose to disrupt the neural pattern.
For example if I realize I'm fantasizing about a person and want to disrupt that, I might imagine the person or thought in a bubble that I blow away. Bye-bye.
It makes a big difference--it becomes easier to not indulge in those fantasies.
|
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Nov 30, 2018 12:52:23 GMT
Have you heard of acceptance and commitment therapy tnr9 ? I did an 8 week online course - and it was honestly life changing. I can see that you recognise that this stuff is in your head - that it's a very realistic story you're telling yourself or film you are watching that is so real that it becomes your reality - temporarily at least. The next step is to notice the story when it first starts and unhook from it - not by struggle to avoid it but really just by choosing to move in the opposite direction whilst still allowing your experience to be what it is. If you have the time (and the finances) I can totally recommend the course - and there are some free resources on the website thehappinesstrap.com/8-week-program/There is plenty of professional support during the program - interactive so really more akin to therapy than yet another online self help foray. There is also a huge amount of medical evidence to show that it works in treating and managing anxiety and depression - it's so sad to spend much of ones life not really there by being hijacked by these kind of painful stories playing over and over again. I feel for you tnr9. Thank you ocarina...I will look into this.  . I completely agree....it has been truly sad to live in this space of story telling. The worst part is the assumption that it is all "me" driven....that he is growing closer to her because of "me" and so forth....really odd bit of narcissism....but twisted into the negative. I really want to change this pattern because I do want to be with someone who loves me for me. |
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Nov 30, 2018 12:58:30 GMT
I am like imagination queen, though less so the older I get. With repeated stories, I think it's useful to imagine it lighting up certain parts of the brain. It's like activating a loop or record. The more you have the fantasy the stronger the light in the brain. I realized I could "indulge" or I could consciously choose to disrupt the neural pattern. For example if I realize I'm fantasizing about a person and want to disrupt that, I might imagine the person or thought in a bubble that I blow away. Bye-bye. It makes a big difference--it becomes easier to not indulge in those fantasies. That is a good point....and sometimes I have the ability to kill it early.....but....when I regress....ugh....there are no adult tools in that space. I think there must have been some level of comfort to me as a little girl to think I knew why my mom or dad was angry at me or ignoring me etc. it gave me the feeling of some level of control. I miss the community....I have decided to ask B if he will agree to not attend next year so I can go back. Meanwhile....I have an opportunity to work on these stories. |
|
|
|
Post by ocarina on Dec 1, 2018 20:57:22 GMT
The Happiness Trap describes these kind of thoughts and feelings as psychological smog - I like that description - it encourages you not to believe or engage with this thinking as it's really just blurring reality, taking you further from your values and doesn't serve you in any way, It doesn't mean that the feelings don't exist and that you don't need to hold them with tender care - but it does mean that you don't need to go down the analysis rabbit warren which tends to either lead to avoiding feelings - or attaching to them.
Our brains are expert story generating machines - like one of those propaganda machines that churn out fake news - that's just how they are and some brains - the imaginative ones, are better at it that others. The unhook is to recognise this and get out of head and into the anchor of your body - breath or whatever and let the cogs upstairs whirr away churning out their tales whilst you get on with your wonderous life.
|
|
|
|
Post by epicgum on Dec 2, 2018 1:33:43 GMT
The Happiness Trap describes these kind of thoughts and feelings as psychological smog - I like that description - it encourages you not to believe or engage with this thinking as it's really just blurring reality, taking you further from your values and doesn't serve you in any way, It doesn't mean that the feelings don't exist and that you don't need to hold them with tender care - but it does mean that you don't need to go down the analysis rabbit warren which tends to either lead to avoiding feelings - or attaching to them. Our brains are expert story generating machines - like one of those propaganda machines that churn out fake news - that's just how they are and some brains - the imaginative ones, are better at it that others. The unhook is to recognise this and get out of head and into the anchor of your body - breath or whatever and let the cogs upstairs whirr away churning out their tales whilst you get on with your wonderous life. That stuff is what I need yo learn to do. How did you like "the happiness trap" ? Would you reccomend it? Was it useful to you? |
|
. I completely agree....it has been truly sad to live in this space of story telling. The worst part is the assumption that it is all "me" driven....that he is growing closer to her because of "me" and so forth....really odd bit of narcissism....but twisted into the negative. I really want to change this pattern because I do want to be with someone who loves me for me.