ab
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Post by ab on Dec 11, 2018 10:34:59 GMT
Hi rach02,
Your story sounds so similar to mine. I met this amazing woman and we fell in love instantly. She was totally in love with me and absolutely no signs of avoidant attachment style at all. I probably shared more on the emotional side, but she was also very open and honest with many things in her life. She was the first to use the L word and the first to introduce me to her son after only about 10 days. She told me in no uncertain terms that she wants to spend the rest of her life with me and that I was like no other man she had ever met. She couldn't wait to introduce me to her family. It was amazing how everything just clicked and sex was out of this world for both of us. Then about 2.5 months into the relationship she backed out of 2-3 dates at the last minute using vague excuses (I just want to be alone tonight, I'm tired, I need to do some work, my son needs me, etc.) but I didn't think too much of it at the time although it made me somewhat sad. Then this pulling back (or pushing me away) started to happen more often. It was so weird. When we did see each other, it was amazing because we had this beautiful connection. We traveled a lot together and I spent many nights at her place. However, she was constantly finding excuses not to spend time together. We tried many times to discuss this on-again off-again situation, but somehow couldn't figure it out and always ended up in each other's arms making made passionate love. About 7.5 months into the relationship we went on vacation together for 10 days, a trip that she planned as she used to live in that area. We had an amazing time together. She showed me where she used to live and took me to some of her old haunts. We basically spent 24/7 together and got along really well. We both had a great time. And again love-making on an emotional level that is almost unfathonable. We connected so well. On the flight on the way home she was smiling from one ear to the other and it was so obvious to everybody who saw her how in love she was. Then we came home and she basically didn't even want to see me. Welcome to life with someone who has an avoidant attachment style! We got so amazingly close on our trip that after we came back she couldn't help, but push me away. This is when I found out about attachment styles and read up on them. When I first showed her what I found she immediately said "That's me to a T". In the meantime she has broken up with me and told me that this attachment style stuff is nonsense and that I shouldn't try to play psychologist. The reasons for wanting to break-up have nothing to do with how we get along or not being attracted to me anymore, but simply worries about maybe us not being compatable in the future, clearly just some justification for her running away. Btw we still maintained contact and she also wrote a few times that I look hot or commented on how handsome I look, just as your woman did. It is also really tough for me because I really love her so I totally hear where you are coming from. However, hard it is I have decided that this woman is not healthy for me. The on-again off-again stuff was killing me. One day she would be absolutely mad about me telling me what a fantastic guy I am and a few days later making up all kinds of excuses to not even see me and without any suggestion for when we could possibly meet. It drove me crazy as sometimes we wouldn't see each other for over a month and then suddenly "do you want to come over tonight?" or even worse "do you want to come over tomorrow?" then cancel at the last minute with one of those bizarre excuses. My suggestion is to talk with your woman and be honest. I agree with some of the other comments about not playing games. Talk about attachment styles with her and if she's open show her Jeb Kinnison's book on avoidants. But as Jeb wrote, most avoidants (as my woman) are not interested in changing because they don't perceive a problem. Trying to convince them (even if you are absolutely correct) is futile and counterproductive, they will just dig in harder. This is probably the big mistake I made. If she's not interested in working with you to change her behaviour to become more secure in order to open herself up to you, move on! It may be tough for a while, but you WILL find someone at least as good if not better. Good luck my man!
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Post by alexandra on Dec 11, 2018 19:38:08 GMT
ab, you may also want to do a bit of research on love-bombing. It may feel great when a new relationship starts that hot and heavy, but it's actually usually a sign of some kind of emotional instability of some sort (at worst, it's the sign of a predatory partner). Introducing you to her son after 10 days and telling you she wants to marry you is way too soon when she doesn't know you yet and vice-versa. I'm sorry it happened and I've been there, but it's a really good red flag to watch out for in the future.
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ab
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Post by ab on Dec 11, 2018 20:09:15 GMT
Thanks alexandra. I had a quick look and no, it was definitely not love-bombing. She wasn't manipulative in order to get something out of me, it appears that after a few months she got scared and just pulled back subconsciously when we became too close. She fits the description of a dismissive avoidant almost perfectly.
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Post by rach02 on Dec 13, 2018 22:11:49 GMT
Hi rach02, Your story sounds so similar to mine. I met this amazing woman and we fell in love instantly. She was totally in love with me and absolutely no signs of avoidant attachment style at all. I probably shared more on the emotional side, but she was also very open and honest with many things in her life. She was the first to use the L word and the first to introduce me to her son after only about 10 days. She told me in no uncertain terms that she wants to spend the rest of her life with me and that I was like no other man she had ever met. She couldn't wait to introduce me to her family. It was amazing how everything just clicked and sex was out of this world for both of us. Then about 2.5 months into the relationship she backed out of 2-3 dates at the last minute using vague excuses (I just want to be alone tonight, I'm tired, I need to do some work, my son needs me, etc.) but I didn't think too much of it at the time although it made me somewhat sad. Then this pulling back (or pushing me away) started to happen more often. It was so weird. When we did see each other, it was amazing because we had this beautiful connection. We traveled a lot together and I spent many nights at her place. However, she was constantly finding excuses not to spend time together. We tried many times to discuss this on-again off-again situation, but somehow couldn't figure it out and always ended up in each other's arms making made passionate love. About 7.5 months into the relationship we went on vacation together for 10 days, a trip that she planned as she used to live in that area. We had an amazing time together. She showed me where she used to live and took me to some of her old haunts. We basically spent 24/7 together and got along really well. We both had a great time. And again love-making on an emotional level that is almost unfathonable. We connected so well. On the flight on the way home she was smiling from one ear to the other and it was so obvious to everybody who saw her how in love she was. Then we came home and she basically didn't even want to see me. Welcome to life with someone who has an avoidant attachment style! We got so amazingly close on our trip that after we came back she couldn't help, but push me away. This is when I found out about attachment styles and read up on them. When I first showed her what I found she immediately said "That's me to a T". In the meantime she has broken up with me and told me that this attachment style stuff is nonsense and that I shouldn't try to play psychologist. The reasons for wanting to break-up have nothing to do with how we get along or not being attracted to me anymore, but simply worries about maybe us not being compatable in the future, clearly just some justification for her running away. Btw we still maintained contact and she also wrote a few times that I look hot or commented on how handsome I look, just as your woman did. It is also really tough for me because I really love her so I totally hear where you are coming from. However, hard it is I have decided that this woman is not healthy for me. The on-again off-again stuff was killing me. One day she would be absolutely mad about me telling me what a fantastic guy I am and a few days later making up all kinds of excuses to not even see me and without any suggestion for when we could possibly meet. It drove me crazy as sometimes we wouldn't see each other for over a month and then suddenly "do you want to come over tonight?" or even worse "do you want to come over tomorrow?" then cancel at the last minute with one of those bizarre excuses. My suggestion is to talk with your woman and be honest. I agree with some of the other comments about not playing games. Talk about attachment styles with her and if she's open show her Jeb Kinnison's book on avoidants. But as Jeb wrote, most avoidants (as my woman) are not interested in changing because they don't perceive a problem. Trying to convince them (even if you are absolutely correct) is futile and counterproductive, they will just dig in harder. This is probably the big mistake I made. If she's not interested in working with you to change her behaviour to become more secure in order to open herself up to you, move on! It may be tough for a while, but you WILL find someone at least as good if not better. Good luck my man! Wow. We experienced nearly the SAME relationship. Ridiculous. This just shows how universal attachment theory behavior is. Cannot believe how identical your situation is to mine. I don't understand why they were so eager to commit to us at the beginning? Yours told you the L word. Both of exs introduced us to their son early. They both spoke of future plans early. We both went on vacations early. This behavior can't be conscious by them. I don't believe it is. They have an willingness to have a relationship but flee once they realize they're in one. Have you ever talked to her about what you expect/want from the relationship? I imagine that kind of talk would scare her away. My ex also doesn't like psychology talk or talk or emotions. She would not be open to learning about attachment theory or believing that there's a rooted issue that needs to be fixed. I wonder if they're aware of their patterns? Surely these kind of people are serial daters who move out of the arms of one love and into the arms of another all too often. I wonder if they're content? My ex agreed to see me for a 2nd time a few days ago. All went well, just like the 1st time. She greeted me with a kiss, she dressed up (makeup, hair done, lipstick). We drank and ate. She picked food off my plate playfully. We talked for 1.5hrs. Then I walked her to her car. She was going to enter the car without a proper good bye and I turned her hips around and kissed her. She was responsive. I kissed her again. I asked to come over and she gave me an excuse. I'm going to suggest a movie at her place this weekend. She's been avoiding having me over. If she gives me an excuse I'll text "No problem. Let me know when you're free then". Then I'll stop initiating completely. Unlike you, friend, I cannot let her go. I care about her too much and our time together was bliss. This will be my final stand. |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 14, 2018 9:46:01 GMT
I'm going to suggest a movie at her place this weekend. She's been avoiding having me over. If she gives me an excuse I'll text "No problem. Let me know when you're free then". Then I'll stop initiating completely. Unlike you, friend, I cannot let her go. I care about her too much and our time together was bliss. This will be my final stand. Cunning will take you nowhere. It's a slippery slope. I won't even mention that you're belittling and playing with someone's fears and insecurities. You'd inflect pain only to manipulate her to be with you and you call it love. You cannot let go because you care about YOURSELF too much. Instead of thinking how to manipulate her, try working on your own attachment. I could bet a large sum of money that the moment she stops being responsive to your silly games-and she will, you'll lash out. Your chase is about you. |
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Post by sissyk on Dec 14, 2018 16:17:04 GMT
I'm going to suggest a movie at her place this weekend. She's been avoiding having me over. If she gives me an excuse I'll text "No problem. Let me know when you're free then". Then I'll stop initiating completely. Unlike you, friend, I cannot let her go. I care about her too much and our time together was bliss. This will be my final stand. Cunning will take you nowhere. It's a slippery slope. I won't even mention that you're belittling and playing with someone's fears and insecurities. You'd inflect pain only to manipulate her to be with you and you call it love. You cannot let go because you care about YOURSELF too much. Instead of thinking how to manipulate her, try working on your own attachment. I could bet a large sum of money that the moment she stops being responsive to your silly games-and she will, you'll lash out. Your chase is about you. This seems a bit harsh. I took it that if she didn't accept his next invite, OP would back off and watch her actions to see if there was hope or it was time to be done. I personally am a fan of stating ones position directly and see where the chips fall. She seems to be sending mixed signals here. |
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Post by ocarina on Dec 14, 2018 16:47:08 GMT
rach02 to be honest the tone with which you write seems a little manipulative- if she’s uncomfortable with you going to her place or vice verse this is her boundary to be respected rather than worked around to make you feel good. Trust that she knows how she feels and believe what she says and how she behaves even if you’d rather not. Ambiguity is just that - do you want and need consistency in a relationship? If you do, it’s simply not fair or possible to press this need onto someone who is clearly unable to meet it. I agree with@sissyk - be clear - firstly with yourself and what you need and then with this person. It is respectful and loving to take note and respond to another’s wishes even if they are not in alignment with your own.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 14, 2018 17:37:10 GMT
Cunning will take you nowhere. It's a slippery slope. I won't even mention that you're belittling and playing with someone's fears and insecurities. You'd inflect pain only to manipulate her to be with you and you call it love. You cannot let go because you care about YOURSELF too much. Instead of thinking how to manipulate her, try working on your own attachment. I could bet a large sum of money that the moment she stops being responsive to your silly games-and she will, you'll lash out. Your chase is about you. This seems a bit harsh. I took it that if she didn't accept his next invite, OP would back off and watch her actions to see if there was hope or it was time to be done. I personally am a fan of stating ones position directly and see where the chips fall. She seems to be sending mixed signals here. FWIW, I wrote it after reading his other posts like: "I have an idea. Although it's a risky one. Like I wrote in my initial post, 1 month into our relationship I texted her "Farewell" one morning after leaving, then my phone died for a few days. She thought I was saying goodbye for GOOD. This triggered her to act like an anxious preoccupied which led her to leave a few voicemails on my phone, where her voice was shaking and she was friendly and asking me if we could see each other again.
That's when I realized she has a fear of abandonment. DA's share the same fear we have. That's why your guy ended it with you when he sensed you were going to end it.
Little do they know, it's not entirely ended. There's still the casual contact, friendship, and the possibility of starting over again. We can take that away from them and abandon them for good.
If my plans don't work then perhaps I'll get frustrated and text her that "I tried and I tried because I care about you. But my efforts have been in vain. Goodbye."
And suddenly the table turns and I am the one doing the abandoning. Maybe that will make her realize her loss and come back in panic."or " Avoidants are nuts. No offence. lol"He's talking like he was playing a game there and clearly he hasn't changed his attitude. He shows no empathy for her, he's not reflecting on himself at all. She's a human being who has this type of attachment because of a reason, not because she chose to. If you love someone (like he claims), how can you be purposefully using their biggest fear against them? It seems to me his only goal is to "have" her and his own needs. That's not love. Not to mention, he's playing a wrong game. It won't go as he thinks it will. |
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Post by rach02 on Dec 14, 2018 17:40:41 GMT
There's nothing manipulative about my actions. I want a romantic relationship; one that includes intimacy. I'm simply suggesting a movie at her place, because I don't want friendship with an ex; I want intimacy. She has the freedom to accept or deny. There is no manipulation here. If she denies, then I realize that she does not want more than mere friendship and I walk. I'll stop initiating if she denies me.
If anything, her actions indicate manipulation. Why dress up, wear lipstick, makeup, get her hair done and see me Sunday for dinner, and greet me with a kiss on the lips when she slept with a guy the night before. That's right, she slept with someone the night before seeing me. I drove by her home that night after finishing my night (I know, creepy, it's a first for me), because I needed and answer before seeing her-- I needed to know if I'm Plan B so I can act accordingly. There was a strange car in her driveway at 1am. She doesn't have female friends over. During our dinner I asked about her Saturday and she was elusive about it. There's no doubt she's sleeping with someone. Understandable-- we're single now. But why continue to see me for dinner and lead me? To kiss me, dress nice, accept my dinner requests. If anything I am the one being manipulated and strung along.
Asking her for dinner at her place is simply testing to see if she's willing to take this further-- if she's serious. If she's not, then I move on.
And to the poster above: I have been reflecting on myself, so much. Stop lashing out against me. Since the BU I re-entered therapy, read about attachment styles, journal, watch videos about breakups and talk plenty about it with friends. I've been mourning our relationship the past 6-7 weeks and have been completely unproductive as a result. You don't know me. Back off with your hostility. As for you thinking my love is selfish-- psychotherapy suggests that all love is narcissistic and selfish.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 14, 2018 17:51:36 GMT
There's nothing manipulative about my actions. I want a romantic relationship; one that includes intimacy. I'm simply suggesting a movie at her place, because I don't want friendship with an ex; I want intimacy. She has the freedom to accept or deny. There is no manipulation here. If she denies, then I realize that she does not want more than mere friendship and I walk. I'll stop initiating if she denies me. If anything, her actions indicate manipulation. Why dress up, wear lipstick, makeup, get her hair done and see me Sunday for dinner, and greet me with a kiss on the lips when she slept with a guy the night before. That's right, she slept with someone the night before seeing me. I drove by her home that night after finishing my night (I know, creepy, it's a first for me), because I needed and answer before seeing her-- I needed to know if I'm Plan B so I can act accordingly. There was a strange car in her driveway at 1am. She doesn't have female friends over. During our dinner I asked about her Saturday and she was elusive about it. There's no doubt she's sleeping with someone. Understandable-- we're single now. But why continue to see me for dinner and lead me? To kiss me, dress nice, accept my dinner requests. If anything I am the one being manipulated and strung along. Asking her for dinner at her place is simply testing to see if she's willing to take this further-- if she's serious. If she's not, then I move on. And to the poster above: I have been reflecting on myself, so much. Stop lashing out against me. Since the BU I re-entered therapy, read about attachment styles, journal, watch videos about breakups and talk plenty about it with friends. I've been mourning our relationship the past 6-7 weeks and have been completely unproductive as a result. You don't know me. Back off with your hostility. Fair game, maybe it's your style of posting but your each update sounded like a new calculated strategy and it didn't seem to take in anything what other posters would say. Maybe it is selfish but I can't imagine wanting to see my loved ones suffer for my own gain. We might have a different idea of love. FWIW, having a friend over at 1am doesn't have to mean sex, especially if that friend could simply left the car after drinking alcohol. |
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Post by rach02 on Dec 14, 2018 17:51:53 GMT
This seems a bit harsh. I took it that if she didn't accept his next invite, OP would back off and watch her actions to see if there was hope or it was time to be done. I personally am a fan of stating ones position directly and see where the chips fall. She seems to be sending mixed signals here. FWIW, I wrote it after reading his other posts like: "I have an idea. Although it's a risky one. Like I wrote in my initial post, 1 month into our relationship I texted her "Farewell" one morning after leaving, then my phone died for a few days. She thought I was saying goodbye for GOOD. This triggered her to act like an anxious preoccupied which led her to leave a few voicemails on my phone, where her voice was shaking and she was friendly and asking me if we could see each other again.
That's when I realized she has a fear of abandonment. DA's share the same fear we have. That's why your guy ended it with you when he sensed you were going to end it.
Little do they know, it's not entirely ended. There's still the casual contact, friendship, and the possibility of starting over again. We can take that away from them and abandon them for good.
If my plans don't work then perhaps I'll get frustrated and text her that "I tried and I tried because I care about you. But my efforts have been in vain. Goodbye."
And suddenly the table turns and I am the one doing the abandoning. Maybe that will make her realize her loss and come back in panic."or " Avoidants are nuts. No offence. lol"He's talking like he was playing a game there and clearly he hasn't changed his attitude. He shows no empathy for her, he's not reflecting on himself at all. She's a human being who has this type of attachment because of a reason, not because she chose to. If you love someone (like he claims), how can you be purposefully using their biggest fear against them? It seems to me his only goal is to "have" her and his own needs. That's not love. Not to mention, he's playing a wrong game. It won't go as he thinks it will. I never used her fear against her. Buzz off. I was merely brainstorming in this open forum. |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 14, 2018 17:56:19 GMT
FWIW, I wrote it after reading his other posts like: "I have an idea. Although it's a risky one. Like I wrote in my initial post, 1 month into our relationship I texted her "Farewell" one morning after leaving, then my phone died for a few days. She thought I was saying goodbye for GOOD. This triggered her to act like an anxious preoccupied which led her to leave a few voicemails on my phone, where her voice was shaking and she was friendly and asking me if we could see each other again.
That's when I realized she has a fear of abandonment. DA's share the same fear we have. That's why your guy ended it with you when he sensed you were going to end it.
Little do they know, it's not entirely ended. There's still the casual contact, friendship, and the possibility of starting over again. We can take that away from them and abandon them for good.
If my plans don't work then perhaps I'll get frustrated and text her that "I tried and I tried because I care about you. But my efforts have been in vain. Goodbye."
And suddenly the table turns and I am the one doing the abandoning. Maybe that will make her realize her loss and come back in panic."or " Avoidants are nuts. No offence. lol"He's talking like he was playing a game there and clearly he hasn't changed his attitude. He shows no empathy for her, he's not reflecting on himself at all. She's a human being who has this type of attachment because of a reason, not because she chose to. If you love someone (like he claims), how can you be purposefully using their biggest fear against them? It seems to me his only goal is to "have" her and his own needs. That's not love. Not to mention, he's playing a wrong game. It won't go as he thinks it will. I never used her fear against her. Buzz off. I was merely brainstorming in this open forum. Chill out. We have different values, that's it. |
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Post by rach02 on Dec 14, 2018 17:57:46 GMT
There's nothing manipulative about my actions. I want a romantic relationship; one that includes intimacy. I'm simply suggesting a movie at her place, because I don't want friendship with an ex; I want intimacy. She has the freedom to accept or deny. There is no manipulation here. If she denies, then I realize that she does not want more than mere friendship and I walk. I'll stop initiating if she denies me. If anything, her actions indicate manipulation. Why dress up, wear lipstick, makeup, get her hair done and see me Sunday for dinner, and greet me with a kiss on the lips when she slept with a guy the night before. That's right, she slept with someone the night before seeing me. I drove by her home that night after finishing my night (I know, creepy, it's a first for me), because I needed and answer before seeing her-- I needed to know if I'm Plan B so I can act accordingly. There was a strange car in her driveway at 1am. She doesn't have female friends over. During our dinner I asked about her Saturday and she was elusive about it. There's no doubt she's sleeping with someone. Understandable-- we're single now. But why continue to see me for dinner and lead me? To kiss me, dress nice, accept my dinner requests. If anything I am the one being manipulated and strung along. Asking her for dinner at her place is simply testing to see if she's willing to take this further-- if she's serious. If she's not, then I move on. And to the poster above: I have been reflecting on myself, so much. Stop lashing out against me. Since the BU I re-entered therapy, read about attachment styles, journal, watch videos about breakups and talk plenty about it with friends. I've been mourning our relationship the past 6-7 weeks and have been completely unproductive as a result. You don't know me. Back off with your hostility. Fair game, maybe it's your style of posting but your each update sounded like a new calculated strategy and it didn't seem to take in anything what other posters would say. Maybe it is selfish but I can't imagine wanting to see my loved ones suffer for my own gain. We might have a different idea of love. FWIW, having a friend over at 1am doesn't have to mean sex, especially if that friend could simply left the car after drinking alcohol. No. I make a living off reading people. She slept with someone, most likely her ex (the one before me). I am certain of it. This is based on many things I observed in our conversations.. And just because I strategize doesn't mean I have machiavellian intent. I do love her very much, otherwise I would not have been this affected by the breakup. She's 15 years older than me. If I did not love her then I could simply find a woman my age who has more youth. I love this woman. I love the way she smiles at me, the way she spoons me in bed and rests her lips on my back, I love her confidence and everything about her. |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 14, 2018 18:11:03 GMT
Fair game, maybe it's your style of posting but your each update sounded like a new calculated strategy and it didn't seem to take in anything what other posters would say. Maybe it is selfish but I can't imagine wanting to see my loved ones suffer for my own gain. We might have a different idea of love. FWIW, having a friend over at 1am doesn't have to mean sex, especially if that friend could simply left the car after drinking alcohol. No. I make a living off reading people. She slept with someone, most likely her ex (the one before me). I am certain of it. This is based on many things I observed in our conversations.. And just because I strategize doesn't mean I have machiavellian intent. I do love her very much, otherwise I would not have been this affected by the breakup. She's 15 years older than me. If I did not love her then I could simply find a woman my age who has more youth. I love this woman. I love the way she smiles at me, the way she spoons me in bed and rests her lips on my back, I love her confidence and everything about her. I will challenge you so don't take it as an attack... you love how she makes you feel, but do you love her enough to accept that she might not be able to give you what you need and not to hold it against her? If so, really, stop strategize even if you have no intend to act on it. Accept things for what they are (and, irony, it can work better) or move on. And be direct. You also say you want a relationship that is intimate. Some people aren't capable of that. It's not a matter of seducing her in the right way, it's a matter of her going to a therapy or years of hard work, awareness and commitment to it done by her. |
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lilos
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Post by lilos on Dec 14, 2018 18:11:08 GMT
There's nothing manipulative about my actions. I want a romantic relationship; one that includes intimacy. I'm simply suggesting a movie at her place, because I don't want friendship with an ex; I want intimacy. She has the freedom to accept or deny. There is no manipulation here. If she denies, then I realize that she does not want more than mere friendship and I walk. I'll stop initiating if she denies me. If anything, her actions indicate manipulation. Why dress up, wear lipstick, makeup, get her hair done and see me Sunday for dinner, and greet me with a kiss on the lips when she slept with a guy the night before. That's right, she slept with someone the night before seeing me. I drove by her home that night after finishing my night (I know, creepy, it's a first for me), because I needed and answer before seeing her-- I needed to know if I'm Plan B so I can act accordingly. There was a strange car in her driveway at 1am. She doesn't have female friends over. During our dinner I asked about her Saturday and she was elusive about it. There's no doubt she's sleeping with someone. Understandable-- we're single now. But why continue to see me for dinner and lead me? To kiss me, dress nice, accept my dinner requests. If anything I am the one being manipulated and strung along. Asking her for dinner at her place is simply testing to see if she's willing to take this further-- if she's serious. If she's not, then I move on. And to the poster above: I have been reflecting on myself, so much. Stop lashing out against me. Since the BU I re-entered therapy, read about attachment styles, journal, watch videos about breakups and talk plenty about it with friends. I've been mourning our relationship the past 6-7 weeks and have been completely unproductive as a result. You don't know me. Back off with your hostility. As for you thinking my love is selfish-- psychotherapy suggests that all love is narcissistic and selfish. This is an honest question- have you stopped to really try to understand what her perspective is. To see yourself through her lens and not try to justify away your behavior? To see how she is hurt because of her own attachment wounds and how what you do is hurtful to her? How it breaks trust and damages your relationship? I am not in any way saying she isn’t playing a game too. She may be. Do you want a relationship that is a game? You are certainly playing on your side- you are scheming and it’s hard for me that you don’t see that. This is coming from someone who has done it- I have no judgement. You are just clearly caught up and can’t see it. I have been too so I understand but from the side I’m on now it is actually painful to me to see it in you. You aren’t mourning your relationship- you are trying to escape the loss and find a way back. That’s not the same. I have spent 9 months Mourning a relationship from when I was 18. I’m 36. It is all consuming and painful and you’ll be stuck as long as you keep looking for an exit. You can’t escape the pain you have to go through it and let it change you. If you really want this relationship you will do that- otherwise nothing will ever change between you two. What I have learned from going through my pain of loss- is that real love isn’t narcissistic and selfish. It is loving them completely as they are, even if that isn’t the person you want them to be, even if that is a person who doesn’t want to be with you, even if that is a person that hurts you. You respect them and their needs and you honor your own because in giving up your own you only hurt them and yourself. You see them for who they are. You would see that a DA would see you driving by her house at 1 am is an extreme breach of privacy and that you are not someone she can trust. That you are accusing her without checking in- which is unfair. But if you checked in you would have to tell her the truth of how you know. The stories you tell, the things you do and the things you say are not kind and loving things. Can you see that? Don’t pad it with excuses- can you see how they are hurtful? I know they are from a hurt person and I know they don’t reflect your basic good nature. The one that does love her and only wants to be with her. Those things are your coverings that are protecting you from your fears and your pain. But man- you have got to drop those. They are toxic. It’s hard but if you want to change this you have to clean up your side of the street, as they say. You can’t do that while you are actively engaging in this dynamic- especially if she isn’t doing the work on her side too. |
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