Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Dec 8, 2018 23:40:40 GMT
I've just started putting myself out there a bit more, and have started talking to a guy on Tinder.
I've matched with a bunch of people, but haven't really felt as much of a pull to talk as I have this guy.. he's such good conversation, and so open about his emotions.
He's sort of asked me on a date and I've agreed, and we've been talking since, in bigger paragraphs... I suppose what I'm concerned about is that it's already happening - I can feel myself starting to really have a crush on this person, but I'm acutely aware that I really do not know them!!
I'm not sure how to slow down, and be more critical.
I really want to be able to choose well this time... and whilst I really don't think he's avoidant, I'm still concerned for how swept up I get in these early days, it feels so heady for me.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Dec 9, 2018 0:46:08 GMT
I have two rules that I live by:
1. No saving of phone numbers until this person has proven to be a relatively stable presence in your life. Everyone is just a number until the relationship is developed sufficiently to have a name in my phone. My phone is my tool for connection to the world and so it is a sacred place.
2. Everything is a scenario for judgment until at least multiple multiple dates (for me it’s at least 5, cos it seems like 4 is a threshold for people who appear serious but then disappear on me after that). In that time from meeting to staying, every interaction is an opportunity for me to assess how I feel. I check in with how I feel when I am there, rather than how I feel when I’m apart. This reflects my immediate experience of being in their presence and also my trust in my body and soul to signal if it’s ok or not. When you’re running on feelings when you’re apart, so much of that can be coming from fantasies and hope and potential, rather than the actual experience of being with that person.
3. Then I also check how consistent that feeling is. Sometimes the bad feelings don’t last as more information comes out, and sometimes they come out when more information comes out! So you need to repeat repeat and repeat, to check the reliability and validity of your feelings. and whether this person actually stays in my orbit Long enough for me to vibe him hard. Some people are uncomfortable staying because they don’t want you to know them or vice versa, so you have to be aware of that too.
|
|
|
|
Post by leavethelighton on Dec 10, 2018 0:31:27 GMT
I haven't been on the dating market in quite awhile, but I seem to remember that if I crushed on someone they also represented something to me (ex: they were poetic or adventurous or literary or creative or fierce or whatever). So maybe if you can identify that, it might help you get a sense of what you could turn back towards yourself-- like how could YOU be whatever it is you're crushing on?
I wonder if you might also find it helps to not get too focused on dating just one person too fast. Keep dating other people too for awhile so your energy gets spread out.
If you're a fantasizer, maybe keep your fantasies towards imaginary people or so on instead of towards him, so your mind doesn't start to project onto him.
Crushing isn't all bad though. I mean it's also one of the enjoyments of life!
|
|
|
|
Post by leavethelighton on Dec 10, 2018 0:34:36 GMT
I have two rules that I live by: 1. No saving of phone numbers until this person has proven to be a relatively stable presence in your life. Everyone is just a number until the relationship is developed sufficiently to have a name in my phone. My phone is my tool for connection to the world and so it is a sacred place. 2. Everything is a scenario for judgment until at least multiple multiple dates (for me it’s at least 5, cos it seems like 4 is a threshold for people who appear serious but then disappear on me after that). In that time from meeting to staying, every interaction is an opportunity for me to assess how I feel. I check in with how I feel when I am there, rather than how I feel when I’m apart. This reflects my immediate experience of being in their presence and also my trust in my body and soul to signal if it’s ok or not. When you’re running on feelings when you’re apart, so much of that can be coming from fantasies and hope and potential, rather than the actual experience of being with that person. 3. Then I also check how consistent that feeling is. Sometimes the bad feelings don’t last as more information comes out, and sometimes they come out when more information comes out! So you need to repeat repeat and repeat, to check the reliability and validity of your feelings. and whether this person actually stays in my orbit Long enough for me to vibe him hard. Some people are uncomfortable staying because they don’t want you to know them or vice versa, so you have to be aware of that too.
It can be the opposite too though. If you're only feeling calm when they're around, but anxiety or longing or whatever when they're not, it could be a sign you're in more of an anxious mindset than a secure one. This may or may not be a reflection of them, but I would try to be aware of it. Ideally you'd be feeling copacetic both when they are and aren't there.
|
|
