wanting to get back in touch with an ex as a secure

I think it may depend on your past relationship and the reason for your break? Is it reasonable to expect things to be different/longer lasting this time around? I think these types of questions would determine whether a secure would or wouldn’t pursue s past relationship. They recognize red flags and dead ends and are more willing and able to successfully move in another direction.

If I want to get in touch with someone I just do that. But efter 3-4 months with out any contact I have probably moved on so be ready for anything that your ex could say. I answer my exes when they get contact me but I don’t want to get back together.

It depends. You can be secure with a person even if you have an overall insecure attachment style, so it doesn't necessarily require you've fully healed and earned secure. If that's the case, you won't have undue fear of abandonment or engulfment when interacting with them (or thinking about them really) so engagement won't come with the associated baggage of those fears.

But what that means is you can speak clearly to them, understand your motivations and what you want out of it, accept wherever they are and whatever they want without question, and not go off on triggered episodes after. So, what's the intent of getting in touch?

If, like stayhappy (who is secure), you've accepted the breakup and given yourself time to get over it and still want to try to be friends, then get in touch if you feel like it. You won't feel much drama or stress around the decision to reach out, because it's like reaching out to any other person you care about. It's not full of subtext.

One of the considerations epicgum shared is related to his overall FA healing process, and seeing if his exes will talk to him, if he can learn more about himself and his relationships, and (I'm reading into this as being implied), finding some closure with people who hurt him or were hurt by him now that he has more tools to understand what happened.

If you want to check in because you have ulterior motives to get back together, and you broke up for attachment-related reasons, you may want to pause. If the insecure attachment was driven by you and you've become more secure overall and can give your secure or mostly secure partner the relationship they want and deserve now, and can handle potential rejection without emotionally spiraling out, okay. Giving that ONE try may be a reasonable thing to do. If you're healing your insecure attachment and they were also insecurely attached and ended it and you want to check in to see if they changed, you should probably skip it unless you're truly over it and ready for friendship. If they actually changed and it was insecure attachment keeping you apart, there's a good chance they'd come back and let you know.

If you're looking for excuses not to let go, especially with fantasies of change, give yourself more time. Especially if you've got an insecure style, you may just be looping and trapped in your attachment wounds in your head.

And if you have incompatibilities besides attachment, a secure person would accept that and not want to revisit the relationship. Which sends us back to the already healed, so do you want to try a no strings friendship, in which case you just won't get caught up in excess feelings about it and it won't feel like a huge deal.

For what it's worth, I may be secure but I've pulled way back on communication with my most recent FA ex, because WE are NOT securely attached still, and that is mostly because he hasn't accepted and worked on his attachment issues, which affects even just a friendship. Sometimes everything is fine when we hang out, but the other half of the time he's still complete chaos and I don't deserve to be dragged through that kind of stress due to his issues. It's negative on my life at this point for reasons that have nothing to do with me, so my inclination is to back away, let him deal with his own stuff himself, and be around people who don't stress me out :/ Versus, going all AP, taking blame, and trying harder.

In summary, I think the key here to looking at this securely is being straightforward with yourself (and subsequently the ex) about your intentions and holding good boundaries.

Sounds like you've had some steps forward into growth, which is great.

I got some advice a couple years ago to give it 3-4 months of no contact, coincidentally what stayhappy recommended, to clear out the hormone attachment and triggers etc., and get true perspective on how you feel. I actually think that can be longer for insecure styles, but either way, a month is actually not a lot. Give it some more time and then check back in with yourself if you miss him enough as a friend to reach out. There's nothing wrong with that either, if it's the real intention.

I've been close friends for many, many years with a few exes... mostly guys who had insecure attachment styles too, but we had other incompatibilities and we have secure friendships. It took work to get over the relationships, but in each of these situations, the guys genuinely wanted to stay friends, followed through, and were patient when I still had romantic feelings after the breakups. Their consistency really helped transition us when I was still AP. It is a two-way street to make these things work.

is this a theoretical discussion or situated in a context where your ex has stated NC?

I think it also depends on their state of mind when they say NC. i've only said it once and very much out of anger and annoyance at my ex;  if he contacted me now i wouldn't feel violated. On another note, there was this guy whom i had a real soul connection with for 3 days (I was travelling and passing by his city, and we met cos I was crashing on his couch). at the end of the trip, he wrote to me and said he doesn't want to see me for the next 10 years because it was and will be really difficult for him to keep this active.  I think 8 years later, i was passing by his city again, and I wrote to him saying I'm dropping in, how's he doing. he actually wrote back and said the 10 year deadline is not up yet, and actually gave a specific countdown, and so he cannot see me. what? i was rather entertained by the whole event. 

in any case. I think if you just want to make apologies and thank him, you can do that without asking for/expecting a response. there's no engagement, interaction, response needed for that. write him a card and send that off through snail mail. 

yea.. i can totally understand; been there done that! 

it sounds like it's a relationship that was long time ago, and that there's nothing much there to be done or picked up on. you already learnt that lesson and that you're grateful for him because he gave you that lesson, and now you want to say thank you. just say it in the easiest way e.g., through email, and then let it go for good. you only have good things to say, so only say those good things. 

i don't know about you, but sometimes i feel like mulling over these decisions too much become a way of still keeping that vibration/energy of him/rship alive because we're not really letting it go. sort of like residual clinging onto the past because you haven't decided where to go forward yet. and when that becomes clingy within you, then it goes south.