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Post by alwaysanxious_USA on Dec 21, 2018 10:05:39 GMT
So I'm anxious preoccupied but also have OCD. So I could be over analyzing this even more.
Is there a way to tell between a girl who is secure and likes her independence vs one that is Avoidant?
In terms of her being avoidant, I feel like my GF doesn't like seeing me more than once a week( I do have kids which take up about 6 nights a fortnight). But I can't tell if this is cause she is so busy and appreciates space in a healthy way. Or because she's avoidant and doesn't want to get close. She expressed at the beginning that she values Freedom highly in a relationship.
She also used to take forever to reply to messages, which I am not sure was a game in the beginning to keep my interest. This could be hours or sometimes a full day. But she asked recently how I felt about her communication, she's been texting me more and responding quicker. Though still can take some time to reply. Also, she can be really affectionate with texts for days, then for a couple days she's quite flat with tone on texts. That's something that throws me off and triggers me.
So the thing that makes me think she is secure is that she really loves affection. She loves to cuddle and we cuddle a lot after sex. Also, yesterday I broke down crying in front of her and told her I felt lonely because we barely see each other. She refused to let me suffer and comforted me and told me she'd try see me more once this busy holiday period was over. I've been getting increasingly worried because the next couple months she is away a lot on holidays. Meaning we will only see each other maybe three times in the next two months. Also, when I mentioned to her I want to introduce her to my kids eventually, she seemed to fine with it.
Would an avoidant person be this comforting to a partner that is being too emotional?
I'm really getting anxious cause I keep reading that anxious pre occupied and avoidants are the worst kind of relationships. Are we doomed? Or am I just paranoid?
Also, if she is secure, is it possible I can still scare her away if I'm texting her too much and she likes her space? I'm always thinking in the back of my mind that I am contacting her too much.
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Post by alwaysanxious_USA on Dec 21, 2018 10:16:55 GMT
And just to add to this. She's been less responsive to texts today at work. Texting back but quite flat with tone. But if she was secure, would she go out of her way to reassure me? Or am i expecting too much?
I know I have issues, but just wanting further clarification if these are purely me or is it worse because I am in an anxious-avoidant relationship?
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Post by alwaysanxious_USA on Dec 21, 2018 11:40:24 GMT
Most often people have traits from the different attatchmentstyles. Try to look at this. In the beginning people can act in one way, and when the attatchment kicks in, they can act in another way: jebkinnison.boards.net/thread/1188/4-attatchment-style-decription-testText messages and phone calls: On days, where you do not see/meet your partner: An attatchment therapist recommends to only send 1-3 texts in a day and maybe only one phonecall. Otherwise the partner to an ambivalent can get overwhelmed (even a partner with some secure attatchment can get overwhelmed) and feel that they need some space. (Get help, if you can not control this) Thanks Anne! Didn't realize we could be various styles. Regarding the text, does 1-3 text mean when i initiate them? Or does that include replies? |
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Post by 8675309 on Dec 21, 2018 13:36:43 GMT
Im a secure that likes space and I can take time to reply, Im busy working or whatever. Im the type that does not have my phone glued to me and I think many are way too attached to their phones and expect replies fast just because they are glued to their phones. Before my online business I barley paid attention to my phone at all, I do more so now because of my business alerts from sales/communication. I dont expect others to reply right away, people work, get busy, driving, etc. People have lives and one should not expect speedy replies, not prefect replies, etc. Also some people are just not into texting. I do not like being text many times through the day, Im trying to work, etc. This goes for friends too, its not just a who Im dating thing. And yes, you can scare a secure away, AP types scare me away if they need too much validation/attention. As a secure I can tame this but if its 'over the top' I cannot...I turn avoidant and end it. I do have some avoidance in my attachment but its very low and certain things trigger it, it more so behaviors over just turning avoidant. Chasing down, over texting, I need validation all the time will scare most away not just avoidants... I dont mind question texts or an I miss you, a kiss emoji but I dont want to keep texting all day, I have stuff to do. Lets have conversation in person. An avoidant brought me here and turned me anxious so what Anne12 said, I had to ask myself why I have to text him right now and there were times it was just for my own validation so I didn't text. My secure attachment is enough to keep me in check not to protest, over text, chase, etc in my anxious state.
And yes you can have other styles in your attachment that certain things will trigger just like your attachment can shift because of trauma
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Post by leavethelighton on Dec 22, 2018 0:36:23 GMT
I can't tell from your description, but in a way I think what matters more than what she is is whether or not it's working for you. She could be "secure" or "avoidant" but either way if it isn't meeting your needs, then a first step would be to work on communication. And all DA-AP pairings aren't doomed if people are willing to face their differences and work towards the relationship.
It sounds to me like a good sign that when you were in need she comforted you, and that she is making efforts to text you a bit more since she knows that's what you want. Only time will tell on some of the other stuff, but now while it's early in the relationship sounds like a good time to work on identifying what you want, finding healthy ways to communicate it, listening to what she wants, working towards compromises, working on self-calming techniques if you're feeling stressed, etc. Build that foundation now, and if you end up getting more of a DA-AP dynamic you'll have a chance of identifying it, weathering it, or recognizing that you've tried what can be tried.
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Post by faithopelove on Dec 22, 2018 14:55:47 GMT
So I'm anxious preoccupied but also have OCD. So I could be over analyzing this even more. Is there a way to tell between a girl who is secure and likes her independence vs one that is Avoidant? In terms of her being avoidant, I feel like my GF doesn't like seeing me more than once a week( I do have kids which take up about 6 nights a fortnight). But I can't tell if this is cause she is so busy and appreciates space in a healthy way. Or because she's avoidant and doesn't want to get close. She expressed at the beginning that she values Freedom highly in a relationship. She also used to take forever to reply to messages, which I am not sure was a game in the beginning to keep my interest. This could be hours or sometimes a full day. But she asked recently how I felt about her communication, she's been texting me more and responding quicker. Though still can take some time to reply. Also, she can be really affectionate with texts for days, then for a couple days she's quite flat with tone on texts. That's something that throws me off and triggers me. So the thing that makes me think she is secure is that she really loves affection. She loves to cuddle and we cuddle a lot after sex. Also, yesterday I broke down crying in front of her and told her I felt lonely because we barely see each other. She refused to let me suffer and comforted me and told me she'd try see me more once this busy holiday period was over. I've been getting increasingly worried because the next couple months she is away a lot on holidays. Meaning we will only see each other maybe three times in the next two months. Also, when I mentioned to her I want to introduce her to my kids eventually, she seemed to fine with it. Would an avoidant person be this comforting to a partner that is being too emotional? I'm really getting anxious cause I keep reading that anxious pre occupied and avoidants are the worst kind of relationships. Are we doomed? Or am I just paranoid? Also, if she is secure, is it possible I can still scare her away if I'm texting her too much and she likes her space? I'm always thinking in the back of my mind that I am contacting her too much. The comfort she is offering now may stop suddenly if you continue to act overly needy and emotional. If she’s avoidant, you’ll quickly trigger doubts and she’ll pull away pretty quickly. A secure will tolerate longer but will also end up leaving if she deems the relationship to be unhealthy or not a good fit for her in some way. So, try to keep your anxiety in check and self-soothe. Express your needs in a mature way without protest or drama. Regarding texting, I think if someone takes more than a day to respond to a text, then they are purposely delaying. If you are someone of interest in her life, she wouldn’t forget about the text bc she was busy at the time- eventually you would cross her mind throughout that day/night. I wouldn’t be overanxious though and always expect a quick reply bc the person may just be away from their cell or placing their attention elsewhere, which is reasonable. I am AP and I’ve had a couple guys chase me away by sending demanding and needy texts - sometimes before the first or third date. This demanding behavior completely turned me off and turned me to shut down mode and I generally love closeness. Once I was feeling lousy on a Sat morning and didn’t respond within the hour to an anxious guy I just dated twice. He blew up my cell with accusations that I was seeing someone else- he sent accusatory messages simultaneously to my cell and dating app. Needless to say, there was NOT a third date. So, be reasonable and keep your anxiety in check. Send a text but then wait for a response and don’t read into it if it sometimes takes her a few hours to respond or if the tone is flat. Texting can easily kill a relationship!! And if she continues to wait a day to respond- she’s probably letting you know to back off. I’d listen to her. |
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Post by alwaysanxious_USA on Dec 25, 2018 22:07:59 GMT
Update on the past week. We had a chat the other day before she left for her vacation. I had messaged her and said, sorry for being a hindrance and she rang me straight away. After the call just about general stuff, it was good. Then after we hung up she messaged me telling me that she doesn't think I'm a hindrance. She didn't like to see me upset. Since she's been away, she's been messaging me everyday. I guess it's her way of checking to see I'm okay. It's been great. She's uses quite a lot of affection in her texts. I try not to message during the day cause I know she'll be out and about and busy, so I save messages till evening. And she actually has been the first to message early evening to see how my day went. But I'm still slightly anxious not hearing from her all day. But it's manageable and go about doing what I need to do. But she's always in the back of my mind. Trying to do activities which I enjoy. Which has been good.
But then yesterday we were talking cause I'm trying to organize a weekend away we'd agreed on. But something about her tone, which I'm sure was just either tiredness or it was nothing, triggered me into thinking she was having second thoughts on the holiday and that she was going to cancel it. So I got super anxious but held off a couple hours to message her. Then later that night I sent her a bunch of places I thought we could stay at. And I mentioned that I hoped the trip wasn't scaring her because we've probably not spent 3 full days together. She messaged back saying it was fine and didn't scare her. But the rumination begun and I started thinking about how I'm messing all this up and being needy by asking her how she's feeling. It's so annoying and frustrating to feel this way. To always be in constant panic about scaring her away. To have to check how she feels. It's a non stop loop. I know I should just accept the fact that I don't know how she's feeling and that what happens happens. But it's def a struggle. I don't want us to become co-dependent. I want her to have her own life and be happy. I just hope I can get over this shit. Previous relationship I was anxious for about 6 months but really settled securely after that. In fact, you could almost say I was avoidant at times. But I def liked having my own hobbies once I feel secure and I like alone time once secure as well.
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Post by chipper on Dec 25, 2018 22:49:11 GMT
Update on the past week. We had a chat the other day before she left for her vacation. I had messaged her and said, sorry for being a hindrance and she rang me straight away. After the call just about general stuff, it was good. Then after we hung up she messaged me telling me that she doesn't think I'm a hindrance. She didn't like to see me upset. Since she's been away, she's been messaging me everyday. I guess it's her way of checking to see I'm okay. It's been great. She's uses quite a lot of affection in her texts. I try not to message during the day cause I know she'll be out and about and busy, so I save messages till evening. And she actually has been the first to message early evening to see how my day went. But I'm still slightly anxious not hearing from her all day. But it's manageable and go about doing what I need to do. But she's always in the back of my mind. Trying to do activities which I enjoy. Which has been good. But then yesterday we were talking cause I'm trying to organize a weekend away we'd agreed on. But something about her tone, which I'm sure was just either tiredness or it was nothing, triggered me into thinking she was having second thoughts on the holiday and that she was going to cancel it. So I got super anxious but held off a couple hours to message her. Then later that night I sent her a bunch of places I thought we could stay at. And I mentioned that I hoped the trip wasn't scaring her because we've probably not spent 3 full days together. She messaged back saying it was fine and didn't scare her. But the rumination begun and I started thinking about how I'm messing all this up and being needy by asking her how she's feeling. It's so annoying and frustrating to feel this way. To always be in constant panic about scaring her away. To have to check how she feels. It's a non stop loop. I know I should just accept the fact that I don't know how she's feeling and that what happens happens. But it's def a struggle. I don't want us to become co-dependent. I want her to have her own life and be happy. I just hope I can get over this shit. Previous relationship I was anxious for about 6 months but really settled securely after that. In fact, you could almost say I was avoidant at times. But I def liked having my own hobbies once I feel secure and I like alone time once secure as well. Notice the difference between those two statements in bold. A secure won’t be annoyed if you ask how they’re feeling. But almost anyone will be annoyed if you assume that they’re feeling one way and ask them about something that’s only your assumption. I know I get annoyed at that. Don’t ask “is the trip scaring you?” Ask “how are you feeling about this trip?” |
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Post by happyidiot on Dec 31, 2018 3:25:20 GMT
A secure won’t be annoyed if you ask how they’re feeling. But almost anyone will be annoyed if you assume that they’re feeling one way and ask them about something that’s only your assumption. I know I get annoyed at that. Don’t ask “is the trip scaring you?” Ask “how are you feeling about this trip?” This! This is something everyone needs to think about. No one likes being told how they feel, even if subtly. Also, I can't actually tell from the original post if she is secure or avoidant. I do know a couple of secure people who act just like that, however there is nothing that disproves a theory of her being avoidant either, for example avoidant people CAN be extremely affectionate. |
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Post by alwaysanxious_USA on Jan 17, 2019 22:04:47 GMT
Update: She's back from holidays and we spent last Wednesday together at the beach. I had anxiety straight away when we met up. Was over analyzing how she was feeling towards me. She wasn't as affectionate and all over me as she usually was. It had been about 4 weeks since we saw each other in person. I brought it up and she got annoyed with me. She said we probably weren't being affectionate because we hadn't seen each other in a while. And also, she was still upset about an argument we had while she was away when I was trying to book in her time. About thirty minutes later we both relaxed though and we were back to normal.
On the way home, all I could think about was having sex with her. It had been a month. But I felt she wasn't comfortable doing it. In fact, we got home and she had a shower. And she's usually comfortable with nudity in front of me, but she wouldn't show me her body. It wasn't till right before bed that we had sex when I asked if she wanted to. I once again got anxious because she didn't seem that into it. And when we were done she didn't want to do it again like usual. We went to bed. She couldn't sleep all night and kept getting up because she was hot. I was so so very anxious at this point. Just so much going through my head. Feeling like we no longer had the connection we previously had. And that she had met someone else or had lost interest. Then later that night, she was in the mood and she wanted sex with me again. She instigated.
That morning, she was all over me. Being affectionate again. Saying how attractive I was. All the stuff we used to say before she went away.
In the past week I've been feeling a bit down and still unsure what's going on. She's been super busy with work and seeing friends and we haven't really talked much. And in fact, the last time we talked, she seemed like she was in a bad mood. Or annoyed with me. We're going away this weekend. And it seemed like she wasn't interested in going away. And was feeling like us going away was meaning she had less time to do other stuff. That's the feeling I got anyway. I'll have to see how it goes this weekend. But I'm going to be super nervous going in. And I worry about getting the affection and sex we used to have all the time.
Does one month really change how someone feels? Can that feeling come back? She was super into me while away until we had that argument.
There were times during our day where there was discussion of doing things in the future and she was excited for it. I mentioned we should go to Vietnam, she loved that idea. I told her I was talking to a friend about food for hours. And then she said, "Can you talk to me about food for hours please." SO maybe I got thinking that the anxiety was making me not as talkative and hence why she was feeling weird that day. I used to talk heaps to her. Our conversations were great at the beginning. But since the anxiety and attachment kicked in, I find it harder to keep conversations going.
This morning I was lying in bed with no anxiety. I was thinking to myself, I should just learn to let her go. That this weekend will be our last time together. I kinda felt free at the time. Like there was no expectations going into this weekend. But that anxiety has kinda come back now and I now I'd miss her if we broke up. I know though that if she doesn't feel anything for me then so be it. I don't want to force someone to want to be with me.
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Post by alexandra on Jan 17, 2019 23:18:00 GMT
alwaysanxious_USA, I appreciate that you know you have issues and a role in this. It's good to be aware. However, everything you shared... the wording you used is based on your perception and assumptions. She "seemed" this and that. When you did directly ask, you didn't believe her answers. Sounds feasible to me that you both maybe haven't totally fixed the underlying issues that led to your fight, and between that and some distance, she's taking her time to fully trust you again and reconnect. That's a normal thing. Right now, I don't think it matters what her attachment style is. You are projecting a lot here, and need to put some energy into focusing on youself so you can be more present to her. That isn't a short process, but will allow you a better perspective in assessing what's really going on in the relationship.
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Post by alwaysanxious_USA on Mar 18, 2019 4:46:56 GMT
March Update: My girlfriend and I had started spending more time together over the past month. Like 2-4 four days a week. It's been great, especially because it made me feel more connected and secure around her. I've broken down about things and been needy around her during this time, but she's always given me a hug and told me it's okay. Also, it's been a request of mine that we spend more time together since From Christmas to February, we spent so much time apart due to her travelling. So it showed that she was wanting to meet my needs. This week she has a friend staying with her and I'll only be seeing her once. I asked her if we could see each other on the Saturday but she's said she want to keep it open for her friend. It made me instantly anxious that she's starting to pull away and putting me way down on the priority list. I know it's wrong of me to want to take her time away from a friend she doesn't see that often. I just fear that we are going to slip back into the routine of not seeing each other much. I know that we're going to both have busy schedules over the next month or two and it just gives me the worst anxiety that we are going to see each other less. I just have been enjoying spending all that time together than I'm always expecting it to be that way. Maybe I am expecting too much from her?
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Post by leavethelighton on Mar 20, 2019 23:12:54 GMT
I'm glad to hear things are going well. Maybe it would help to remind yourself that one thing is only one data point-- not evidence of a new pattern or of her permanently pulling away from you...?
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Post by Deleted on Mar 28, 2019 11:22:27 GMT
This is why I gave up on relationships. I just couldn’t handle the anxiety and worry. Since being single I can honestly say I’ve never been more happy and focusing on myself has allowed me to pursue goals and interests. When I was in a relationship, I was always so worried that if my partner left me, I wouldn’t survive. But now I realize that I can survive on my own.
Constantly worrying about your relationship is not going to benefit your relationship in any way.. I’m sure you already know this but anxiety is a bitch and I’m sure if you could stop obsessing over every little thing your girlfriend does, you would. What’s really the root of all your worry is the fear of abandonment. Just remind yourself that if your girlfriend leaves you, you will survive. You’re an adult and can take of yourself. She has things to do and other priorities, AS SHOULD YOU. When your girlfriend is away, see it as a great opportunity to focus on yourself and your goals/hobbies/friends. A relationship should be a priority but not your only priority. You still seem very dependent on your girlfriend and preoccupied with the relationship. Try to focus on yourself and build your self esteem. When you love and feel good about yourself, you’re not gonna worry if someone is going to leave you.
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