joan
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Post by joan on Dec 31, 2018 5:04:55 GMT
Over a month ago the DA I was with for three years broke up with me. I was absolutely devastated. I spent about a week completely gutted, and could barely function to go to work.
I found a new therapist that worked with EMDR therapy. In the second week or so I felt so much better. I even posted about it on here. I was really excited about how quickly I seemed to recover from this break-up. Well it ends up that was just me having a good day. I ended going through the normal process of having good and bad days. While I wasn't over grieving the end of things I was at least in the acceptance stage. Then he texts me. What that does for an AP like myself or maybe just anyone in general who's been dumped by someone they still wanted to be with is gives them hope.
He texted that he needed the password for a subscription we got together so he could cancel it. That wasn't the hopeful part. He started off the text with saying, Hey Dilworth. That's the street name of my ex-husband's who I have a strictly platonic friendship with. I'd been spending a good deal of time at my ex's just to not be in my own apartment with memories of my ex DA. That text opening was clearly a jab, but how he knew I was spending time there caught me off guard. At first I didn't acknowledge the jab. I was cordial, gave him the password and left it at that. Then he sends more texts clearly trying to engage me. We start to go back and forth about things and I say it's ridiculous we're doing this all over text, I don't know why you can't talk in person. Then he ends up popping up unexpectedly at my apartment the next night.
I got hopeful about him showing up like that. Yet all he kept saying was how he doesn't think he's cut out for relationships, and he finds them to be a pain in the ass, and even said maybe he hates women. He said he could never make it over to the love side with any woman. He kept saying it wasn't me, and it was something in him. It was the first time he didn't put all the blame on me and kept apologizing. He said he didn't know what was going on with him mentally and emotionally. He talked about how much he enjoys his alone time, and how drained he feels from taking care of his father with dementia, and trying to work from home. Apparently trying to have a relationship was just more added strain. I could see that he felt guilty for how he hurt me. We ended up seeing each other again the next weekend and talking more. It was more of the same of him saying why it couldn't work for us.
At that point I knew I needed to cease contact with him again. I didn't text him at all for the next week, and didn't even text him Merry Christmas. The morning after Christmas he texts me, "Well Merry Christmas to you too!!" Clearly he was upset that I didn't text him. Why would I though? If someone dumps you, why would you continue to be friendly or casually text each other? We ended up seeing each other again. Once again he's going down the line of why he can't be in a relationship with me. I'd get exasperated and say okay fine I'm clearly not what you want so what's this all about. Then he'd almost back pedal and say, well I'm just up and down like a see saw in wanting to get back together and then not.
Anyway so sorry for the long rant. I needed to get all of that off my chest. I wondered why it took so long to get over a DA from some of the people on here, and now I almost seem to know why. The DA keeps coming back! There's no chance in getting over someone if they keep popping in and out like that. For me I have to completely cut them out in order to move on, and that's truly the only way. The texts and seeing each other just leaves a person stuck in this limbo of not fully being able to let go. I know I have the power to, and I could block him. The thing is I don't hate him, and while my heart still feels like this raw, open wound it's hard to completely close that door.
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Post by alexandra on Dec 31, 2018 5:40:05 GMT
Oh, I'm sorry, joan :/ This is a frustrating situation for anyone, but especially APs. It's really important that you put down strong boundaries now and stick to them, even if it feels really difficult to do that. He doesn't get to come back and dump all his baggage on you and try to get sympathy and attention while, if he's really lucky, you may also do the work of being supportive and processing it for him. It's great he apologized, and he sounds triggered and confused now -- but that is not your problem. And letting him dump it all on you will actually allow him to avoid himself. You don't have to go totally no contact, unless that's best for you, but you can put up some boundaries around trying to be friends, limiting time spent together, and not continuing to talk about this with him... let him take the initiative to find a therapist. If some form of no contact is best for you right now, you can also tell him you want some more time to heal (from his drama!! but don't add that part) and if you feel up to chatting in a couple months you'll reach out. |
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Post by chipper on Dec 31, 2018 6:13:29 GMT
Are you sure he’s not FA? The fact that he’s coming back and thinking about the relationship makes me wonder.
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joan
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Posts: 100
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Post by joan on Dec 31, 2018 6:17:34 GMT
Alexandra,
Thank you for reading through my long rant. It's almost like writing in a diary on here, but what's even more therapeutic and beneficial is the great insight and advice I get on here from others like yourself!
The boundaries really are tough, but I realize it's the only way. While I'm still grieving and trying to let go I can't any contact. It's too triggering and painful. Maybe for a DA or even a secure it's possible, but I think for an AP it keeps us stuck in this looping of hope, and chasing. I lived off breadcrumbs in this relationship, so of course I'll do more of the same while I'm in an even more vulnerable state of mind.
You're absolutely right in saying he doesn't get to come back and dump all of his baggage on me and get my sympathy! I wholeheartedly agree with that, and it makes me feel a bit angry and indignant that he's been doing that. He's turned this all around on me having to comfort him while he cries over his struggles, yet he called me weak when I was falling apart the first week he dumped me so coldly and callously.
I'm at the point of telling him unless he wants to work things out, I can't be in contact with him at all. The only solace I have is knowing for myself that no contact is the way I get over someone. When I'm over them, there's not even a desire left to want to be friends. All feelings for that person completely die. It's a weird thing, but it's happened with every relationship that's ended for me. That's been one of the light at the end of the tunnel thoughts that's kept me from contacting him.
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Post by faithopelove on Dec 31, 2018 6:26:18 GMT
Over a month ago the DA I was with for three years broke up with me. I was absolutely devastated. I spent about a week completely gutted, and could barely function to go to work. I found a new therapist that worked with EMDR therapy. In the second week or so I felt so much better. I even posted about it on here. I was really excited about how quickly I seemed to recover from this break-up. Well it ends up that was just me having a good day. I ended going through the normal process of having good and bad days. While I wasn't over grieving the end of things I was at least in the acceptance stage. Then he texts me. What that does for an AP like myself or maybe just anyone in general who's been dumped by someone they still wanted to be with is gives them hope. He texted that he needed the password for a subscription we got together so he could cancel it. That wasn't the hopeful part. He started off the text with saying, Hey Dilworth. That's the street name of my ex-husband's who I have a strictly platonic friendship with. I'd been spending a good deal of time at my ex's just to not be in my own apartment with memories of my ex DA. That text opening was clearly a jab, but how he knew I was spending time there caught me off guard. At first I didn't acknowledge the jab. I was cordial, gave him the password and left it at that. Then he sends more texts clearly trying to engage me. We start to go back and forth about things and I say it's ridiculous we're doing this all over text, I don't know why you can't talk in person. Then he ends up popping up unexpectedly at my apartment the next night. I got hopeful about him showing up like that. Yet all he kept saying was how he doesn't think he's cut out for relationships, and he finds them to be a pain in the ass, and even said maybe he hates women. He said he could never make it over to the love side with any woman. He kept saying it wasn't me, and it was something in him. It was the first time he didn't put all the blame on me and kept apologizing. He said he didn't know what was going on with him mentally and emotionally. He talked about how much he enjoys his alone time, and how drained he feels from taking care of his father with dementia, and trying to work from home. Apparently trying to have a relationship was just more added strain. I could see that he felt guilty for how he hurt me. We ended up seeing each other again the next weekend and talking more. It was more of the same of him saying why it couldn't work for us. At that point I knew I needed to cease contact with him again. I didn't text him at all for the next week, and didn't even text him Merry Christmas. The morning after Christmas he texts me, "Well Merry Christmas to you too!!" Clearly he was upset that I didn't text him. Why would I though? If someone dumps you, why would you continue to be friendly or casually text each other? We ended up seeing each other again. Once again he's going down the line of why he can't be in a relationship with me. I'd get exasperated and say okay fine I'm clearly not what you want so what's this all about. Then he'd almost back pedal and say, well I'm just up and down like a see saw in wanting to get back together and then not. Anyway so sorry for the long rant. I needed to get all of that off my chest. I wondered why it took so long to get over a DA from some of the people on here, and now I almost seem to know why. The DA keeps coming back! There's no chance in getting over someone if they keep popping in and out like that. For me I have to completely cut them out in order to move on, and that's truly the only way. The texts and seeing each other just leaves a person stuck in this limbo of not fully being able to let go. I know I have the power to, and I could block him. The thing is I don't hate him, and while my heart still feels like this raw, open wound it's hard to completely close that door. Hi Joan- sorry you’re going through this. All these excuses from your ex DA are the same I’ve heard from mine- it’s him, not me, he’s incapable etc All the ones you stated almost verbatim and although he’s never admitted to hating women, he describes his mom, sister and daughter in a negative light as either being controlling or “high-drama.” He seems to not be able to cope with any relationship that is emotionally charged at all, and those relationships usually involve women. Even after his secretary texted one night he slipped and said, “she’s such a pain, it’s like being in a relationship.” And he said “relationship” like it was a bad word. The walls they build and intimacy that they resist and fear make it very difficult to sustain a relationship. I would definitely recommend space and strong and clear boundaries if you wish to be done and move on. Let him work out his issues and stop using you to do so. Good luck! |
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joan
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Posts: 100
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Post by joan on Dec 31, 2018 6:30:00 GMT
Are you sure he’s not FA? The fact that he’s coming back and thinking about the relationship makes me wonder. I'm not entirely sure. He could be. The thing is I was so highly AP within our dynamic I never allowed for him to chase me. If he broke up with me or went silent on me, I'd always be the one after just a couple of days to reach out to him. I would be asking for a second chance, apologizing and begging for communication from him. I did that in the beginning of this break up too. The thing is this time I gave up and stopped texting him. It was about two in a half to three weeks of no communication when he reached out to me. When I read Jeb's book about attachment or maybe it was the book Attached I recall reading how when a DA feels someone keeps knocking on the door to their room, they will ignore it and want to be left alone. When the knocking stops, the DA will feel a sense of relief. However, when it's been quiet for a while and the DA starts to feel like no one's even home anymore he'll then open up his door and venture out looking to see where everyone went. That analogy seems to fit what's happening here. I may have to read up more about FA's though, because you're right his behavior seems to be more FA when I think about it. I just never gave him a chance to show this FA tendency I suppose. |
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Post by faithopelove on Dec 31, 2018 6:31:09 GMT
Alexandra, Thank you for reading through my long rant. It's almost like writing in a diary on here, but what's even more therapeutic and beneficial is the great insight and advice I get on here from others like yourself! The boundaries really are tough, but I realize it's the only way. While I'm still grieving and trying to let go I can't any contact. It's too triggering and painful. Maybe for a DA or even a secure it's possible, but I think for an AP it keeps us stuck in this looping of hope, and chasing. I lived off breadcrumbs in this relationship, so of course I'll do more of the same while I'm in an even more vulnerable state of mind. You're absolutely right in saying he doesn't get to come back and dump all of his baggage on me and get my sympathy! I wholeheartedly agree with that, and it makes me feel a bit angry and indignant that he's been doing that. He's turned this all around on me having to comfort him while he cries over his struggles, yet he called me weak when I was falling apart the first week he dumped me so coldly and callously. I'm at the point of telling him unless he wants to work things out, I can't be in contact with him at all. The only solace I have is knowing for myself that no contact is the way I get over someone. When I'm over them, there's not even a desire left to want to be friends. All feelings for that person completely die. It's a weird thing, but it's happened with every relationship that's ended for me. That's been one of the light at the end of the tunnel thoughts that's kept me from contacting him. Yes, I’m also the same as you- when I’m done with a relationship then I’m truly done and don’t look back. When I’m finished mentally, physically and emotionally there is no going back to me and I seem to shut down and find it hard to believe I actually used to desire that person. I haven’t gotten to that point with my ex DA yet- I still have a soft place for him but I could get there... |
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Post by faithopelove on Dec 31, 2018 6:33:13 GMT
Are you sure he’s not FA? The fact that he’s coming back and thinking about the relationship makes me wonder. I'm not entirely sure. He could be. The thing is I was so highly AP within our dynamic I never allowed for him to chase me. If he broke up with me or went silent on me, I'd always be the one after just a couple of days to reach out to him. I would be asking for a second chance, apologizing and begging for communication from him. I did that in the beginning of this break up too. The thing is this time I gave up and stopped texting him. It was about two in a half to three weeks of no communication when he reached out to me. When I read Jeb's book about attachment or maybe it was the book Attached I recall reading how when a DA feels someone keeps knocking on the door to their room, they will ignore it and want to be left alone. When the knocking stops, the DA will feel a sense of relief. However, when it's been quiet for a while and the DA starts to feel like no one's even home anymore he'll then open up his door and venture out looking to see where everyone went. That analogy seems to fit what's happening here. I may have to read up more about FA's though, because you're right his behavior seems to be more FA when I think about it. I just never gave him a chance to show this FA tendency I suppose. I was also wondering if he’s FA- my ex DA very rarely reaches out to me. Only a few times in a year and we’ve been seeing each other casually. He suppresses all emotion and feels he’s better off alone. |
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Post by faithopelove on Dec 31, 2018 6:35:37 GMT
I'm not entirely sure. He could be. The thing is I was so highly AP within our dynamic I never allowed for him to chase me. If he broke up with me or went silent on me, I'd always be the one after just a couple of days to reach out to him. I would be asking for a second chance, apologizing and begging for communication from him. I did that in the beginning of this break up too. The thing is this time I gave up and stopped texting him. It was about two in a half to three weeks of no communication when he reached out to me. When I read Jeb's book about attachment or maybe it was the book Attached I recall reading how when a DA feels someone keeps knocking on the door to their room, they will ignore it and want to be left alone. When the knocking stops, the DA will feel a sense of relief. However, when it's been quiet for a while and the DA starts to feel like no one's even home anymore he'll then open up his door and venture out looking to see where everyone went. That analogy seems to fit what's happening here. I may have to read up more about FA's though, because you're right his behavior seems to be more FA when I think about it. I just never gave him a chance to show this FA tendency I suppose. I was also wondering if he’s FA- my ex DA very rarely reaches out to me. Only a few times in a year and we’ve been seeing each other casually. He suppresses all emotion and feels he’s better off alone. Then again, I’ve never gone more than a month of no contact- perhaps if I had, he’d reach out. I feel in his hard core DA case, it would take a year or more to open that door. |
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Post by happyidiot on Dec 31, 2018 8:01:45 GMT
Hmm, anyone who has read a lot of my posts knows that I believe there are way more people that fall somewhere in the FA category than previously was realized. However, I am not sure that reaching out is exclusive to FAs. My DA "ex" (for lack of a better term, there wasn't much of a breakup, more just him saying he didn't consider us in a relationship) will occasionally reach out to me and I definitely think he is DA, not FA at all. Perhaps he feels so little for me that it's not scary for him? Plus he likes sex. He'll just text once in a long while and one time I wasn't sure if he was just texting me or all his friends. Also my FA sister's seemingly-DA ex would definitely reach out, he doesn't seem to fit the profile of FA either.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 31, 2018 11:07:58 GMT
Hmm, anyone who has read a lot of my posts knows that I believe there are way more people that fall somewhere in the FA category than previously was realized. However, I am not sure that reaching out is exclusive to FAs. My DA "ex" (for lack of a better term, there wasn't much of a breakup, more just him saying he didn't consider us in a relationship) will occasionally reach out to me and I definitely think he is DA, not FA at all. Perhaps he feels so little for me that it's not scary for him? Plus he likes sex. He'll just text once in a long while and one time I wasn't sure if he was just texting me or all his friends. Also my FA sister's seemingly-DA ex would definitely reach out, he doesn't seem to fit the profile of FA either. I agree. It is described in many sources how avoidants generally tend to reach out when there is enough distance. Some DAs do that, some don't. My DA partner reaches out, he even feels anxiety when I'm too distant. That alone can't determine whether one is DA or FA. It's what creates the typical push and pull in avoidant/anxious relationships - when the pursuer finally gives up, the distancer comes closer again. In some cases, it can even be FA who does not reach out if they feel like you have abandoned them. It depends on person, relationship and situation. |
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Post by 8675309 on Dec 31, 2018 12:52:50 GMT
Sorry about your trouble. As a secure, I have to cut contact to move on as well. Most secures do cut off, we know we need to not stay trapped and prolong healing. I cut contact, social media, etc. Anything that keeps him in my life I cut. Do what you need to do for yourself. His problems are not yours, nor is his guilt, etc. Cut the contact to stop the cycle, you can revisit a friendship when you have healed and moved on from romantic feelings. I swear this lets be friends and linger around is an avoidant/AP thing.... I keep reading it here and I have an FA/DA guy that keeps circling back. Ive personally never experienced lets keep talking, be friends etc after a breakup with a secure. Sure we may stay friendly but we dont keep chatting, etc, we move on.
That said, I am friends with an ex, we are like besties but it took a year or so to come back to a friendship. It just happened not something we aimed for. My romantic feeling were long gone. We are still friends today 10 years later and he knows more about me than anyone on this planet right now.
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Post by chipper on Dec 31, 2018 15:33:36 GMT
Sorry about your trouble. As a secure, I have to cut contact to move on as well. Most secures do cut off, we know we need to not stay trapped and prolong healing. I cut contact, social media, etc. Anything that keeps him in my life I cut. Do what you need to do for yourself. His problems are not yours, nor is his guilt, etc. Cut the contact to stop the cycle, you can revisit a friendship when you have healed and moved on from romantic feelings. I swear this lets be friends and linger around is an avoidant/AP thing.... I keep reading it here and I have an FA/DA guy that keeps circling back. Ive personally never experienced lets keep talking, be friends etc after a breakup with a secure. Sure we may stay friendly but we dont keep chatting, etc, we move on.
That said, I am friends with an ex, we are like besties but it took a year or so to come back to a friendship. It just happened not something we aimed for. My romantic feeling were long gone. We are still friends today 10 years later and he knows more about me than anyone on this planet right now.
The thing with secures though, is that when they end a relationship, they usually do it for good reason. There’s some incompatibility that’s very clear. For FA/DA and their AP partners (and this is my experienc even as an earned secure), they don’t know why they ended the relationship. Sometimes, there really isn’t even a good reason. It’s just the fear/anxiety kicks in and they want that to end. I think that’s sometimes why these relationships drag on (outside of it being hard for there attachment types to let go): outside of attachment, it can be a really good match. |
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Post by 8675309 on Dec 31, 2018 16:53:17 GMT
I guess I can see that chipper . My avoidant I’m not sure why he comes circling, I didn’t dance, chase, etc. I am the opposite of what he is used to. My guy and I are a good match outside his attachment. It’s a shame we can’t work together. Is what it is, we are still no contact. Sometimes I want to reach out so he knows I’m not angry, hate him, abandoned him or don’t care about him but I dont, I don’t want to open my own wounds if he ignores me. It still stings even to a secure knowing full well it’s not about you. |
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Post by faithopelove on Jan 1, 2019 6:25:43 GMT
Hmm, anyone who has read a lot of my posts knows that I believe there are way more people that fall somewhere in the FA category than previously was realized. However, I am not sure that reaching out is exclusive to FAs. My DA "ex" (for lack of a better term, there wasn't much of a breakup, more just him saying he didn't consider us in a relationship) will occasionally reach out to me and I definitely think he is DA, not FA at all. Perhaps he feels so little for me that it's not scary for him? Plus he likes sex. He'll just text once in a long while and one time I wasn't sure if he was just texting me or all his friends. Also my FA sister's seemingly-DA ex would definitely reach out, he doesn't seem to fit the profile of FA either. Maybe after extended space a DA is more likely to reach out? If I didn’t contact my ex for several months, I think he may but it would probably take him months to a year. I think he’s severe DA though |
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