laura
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Post by laura on Jan 8, 2019 20:27:48 GMT
Hi
I recently posted my saga in the anxious-preoccupied form under Advice: my recent breakup. I haven't contacted my ex who is an avoidant for 9 days. I'm an AP. A classic AP.
I texted him this morning. He texted back. One of the first things he said was to stop looking up relationship stuff and to focus on my schooling and focus on getting a "damn job!" I told him I was. He said I wasn't. He then proceeded to use manipulation to find out what he already knew...that I had an active profile on Tinder. When I realized what he was referring to, I told him I created it right after the breakup because I was angry and knew we were over. But, I'm not actively on there. I actually have been on there seeing if he's on there. I know, I know. Stalkerish. I haven't seen him on there.
He said he just got on there for the first time last night to answer messages from women. I reminded him that he broke up with me because he no longer had feelings and didn't want a relationship. He said he doesn't want a relationship. He said he's the happiest hes been in a while. He then said I was lying and trying to act like I didn't have the account. I told him it didn't matter. We're broken up. Then, silence...
I texted an hour later..."are you working or done talking to me?" He said both. I asked why he shut down because we were having a friendly conversation. From there, I could tell I was getting attitude. Of course, I overtexted. I overexplained. I said to not be concerned about my tinder profile if he's dating. Of course he doesn't respond to those type of questions/comments.
He told me I was annoying. Heck, I'm even annoyed with myself writing this. Then I texted more.
Is there a way to bounce back from this? I think I have pushed him away to the point of no return. I don't really know why I texted this morning.
I have no idea why he mentioned my profile. It's none of his business. He broke up with me. Anytime I mention that he has no feelings for me, he doesn't argue against that. Do you think I should just let him go? The last thing I want to do is push him away even more. I don't think we'll ever get back together but I do see us being friends once I lose the emotional connection.
Thanks.
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Post by faithopelove on Jan 9, 2019 0:31:32 GMT
Hi I recently posted my saga in the anxious-preoccupied form under Advice: my recent breakup. I haven't contacted my ex who is an avoidant for 9 days. I'm an AP. A classic AP. I texted him this morning. He texted back. One of the first things he said was to stop looking up relationship stuff and to focus on my schooling and focus on getting a "damn job!" I told him I was. He said I wasn't. He then proceeded to use manipulation to find out what he already knew...that I had an active profile on Tinder. When I realized what he was referring to, I told him I created it right after the breakup because I was angry and knew we were over. But, I'm not actively on there. I actually have been on there seeing if he's on there. I know, I know. Stalkerish. I haven't seen him on there. He said he just got on there for the first time last night to answer messages from women. I reminded him that he broke up with me because he no longer had feelings and didn't want a relationship. He said he doesn't want a relationship. He said he's the happiest hes been in a while. He then said I was lying and trying to act like I didn't have the account. I told him it didn't matter. We're broken up. Then, silence... I texted an hour later..."are you working or done talking to me?" He said both. I asked why he shut down because we were having a friendly conversation. From there, I could tell I was getting attitude. Of course, I overtexted. I overexplained. I said to not be concerned about my tinder profile if he's dating. Of course he doesn't respond to those type of questions/comments. He told me I was annoying. Heck, I'm even annoyed with myself writing this. Then I texted more. Is there a way to bounce back from this? I think I have pushed him away to the point of no return. I don't really know why I texted this morning. I have no idea why he mentioned my profile. It's none of his business. He broke up with me. Anytime I mention that he has no feelings for me, he doesn't argue against that. Do you think I should just let him go? The last thing I want to do is push him away even more. I don't think we'll ever get back together but I do see us being friends once I lose the emotional connection. Thanks. Ugh...sorry, I totally get the regret and rumination of that AP behavior of overtexting! It’s my worst protest behavior and one that broke the proverbial camel’s back in my relationship with my avoidant. Try not to beat yourself up, but learn from it. 💗 He sounds angry among other things!! Sounds like you definitely have to give him space because the convo didn’t go well and he was annoyed. I think bc he still cares it’s natural for him to feel jealous, and then he probably felt annoyed with himself for feeling jealous. He may tell you he doesn’t have feelings, but that doesn’t mean it’s true- however it does make it hurtful and would cause me to back away. He certainly has no logical reason to be jealous when he’s ALSO on Tinder and he’s the one that gave you walking papers. When you break up w someone, you are opening the door for them to date others and need to accept that. Again, on a logical level and it sounds like he’s acting out emotionally. Let him cool off and then decide if and when you want to approach again- I forget the cause of your break up, but I believe bouncing back is always possible. My ex would get annoyed and jealous and say “I’m sure you have guys lined up at your door!!” Yet he still didn’t offer to get back with me. They want us...then they don’t. That FA conflict in some cases. |
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Post by leavethelighton on Jan 9, 2019 1:04:44 GMT
This guy sounds demeaning (who is he to tell you whether or not to read relationship articles, go to school, etc.??), but I'll grant that sometimes we do things in anger that we wouldn't do if we were less angry so maybe he's a better guy then he sounds here.
In any case, is there a way you could stop texting him for awhile? Delete his number, old texts, etc. so that you can't just his "reply" to easily text him? Maybe create a Word document and every time you want to text him, write it there instead (but just for you-- not for him to see). In other words, when you get that urge to reach out, replace it with some other behavior.
You're probably texting him because some part of your psyche wants connection or validation or to know things are okay-- and it may also be a bit of an addiction, like a mini dopamine rush to the brain because of the brain being hooked on the highs and lows of the dynamic you have with him. Still, as you mentioned, it is self-sabotaging behavior, so try to have compassion for yourself for why you're texting while also working to not do it.
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laura
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Post by laura on Jan 9, 2019 1:28:33 GMT
I'm so glad to have received your responses right now leavethelighton and faithopelove. He was always telling me what to do and criticizing me for small things like not drinking all my coffee, leaving the kitchen light on, eating something sweet when I wasn't hungry. He was doing this in MY home where I pay all the bills. I would just laugh it off. It honestly didn't bother me. I just thought he was a little weird. He broke up with me because he said he lost feelings for me and he doesn't want the obligations of a relationship. I blocked him tonight. My friend, J, who is an avoidant told me not to block him. I thought that was strange considering J thinks I should leave M (my ex)alone. He says we're toxic for each other. But, when I told J I did block M, he asked, "well, what if M reaches out to you?" Ummmm...that's the point, right? At some point I need to stop this. He abandoned me. He left. I begged for him to come back. He still wants distance. He will only engage me if I contact him. I already had severe trust issues and he set me back. I also wonder if he was really jealous? Could be an ego thing. Anyway, I feel a little better. I definitely think having a journal is a great idea. I'll write there instead of burdening him with my AP rages. Thanks |
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Post by sissyk on Jan 9, 2019 1:34:46 GMT
I second the remove his number plan. Let weeks pass and then decide if it is worth sending a feeler out. It seems like emotions on both sides are still raw and nothing productive will come of more texting right now.
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laura
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Posts: 36
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Post by laura on Jan 9, 2019 4:09:21 GMT
I second the remove his number plan. Let weeks pass and then decide if it is worth sending a feeler out. It seems like emotions on both sides are still raw and nothing productive will come of more texting right now. Thanks. Yea, I feel pretty bad. He's never ignored me like this. I contacted him way too soon. Thanks |
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Post by anne12 on Jan 9, 2019 10:55:02 GMT
Some suggestions about texting: If you feel you just have to text: STOP! PAUSE! Feel where in the body you feel the urge to text. Put your hand on that bodypart and tell the feeling, that the feeling is allowed to be here right now, but tell yourself, that you are in charge and you are the one deciding, what is going to happen. If you can´t hold back, you can write the text and then send it to your best friend instead. You can also make a list of what you can do instead of texting, and keep it in your purse/your pocket or on your phone and then look at the list and choose another thing to do, when you want to text. (You can treat it, like it is an addiction) You can also check out: "the rubber band exercise", "the watertank exercise", "coming into the now exercise", "I choose too post it exercise" ect.
And yes, you canalso journal - write him a letter, that you do not send - with all the things that you want to say to him - uncencored. You are doing it for you! If you are really angry, you can try to take a towel in your hands and sqeese it. Imagine him infront of you, and tell him all the things you want to say to him ect. There are also some other suggestions on the board about how to work with your anger.
If you have some ambivalent or desorganised attatchmentstyle, you always have to work with your anger.
You can also try to remember, to not take the bait, when you feel he is provoking or talking down to you. Do not take the bait, when he does that. And def. not while you are texting.
By the way- what is "a friendly conversation on text"? Have you seen the thread about the problem with texting ?
You can also think and work with/write it down - what you would have said in a "grownup healthy mindfull way".
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laura
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Posts: 36
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Post by laura on Jan 9, 2019 12:33:56 GMT
Some suggestions about texting: If you feel you just have to text: STOP! PAUSE! Feel where in the body you feel the urge to text. Put your hand on that bodypart and tell the feeling, that the feeling is allowed to be here right now, but tell yourself, that you are in charge and you are the one deciding, what is going to happen. If you can´t hold back, you can write the text and then send it to your best friend instead. You can also make a list of what you can do instead of texting, and keep it in your purse/your pocket or on your phone and then look at the list and choose another thing to do, when you want to text. (You can treat it, like it is an addiction) You can also check out: "the rubber band exercise", "the watertank exercise", "coming into the now exercise", "I choose too post it exercise" ect.
And yes, you canalso journal - write him a letter, that you do not send - with all the things that you want to say to him - uncencored. You are doing it for you! If you are really angry, you can try to take a towel in your hands and sqeese it. Imagine him infront of you, and tell him all the things you want to say to him ect. There are also some other suggestions on the board about how to work with your anger.
If you have some ambivalent or desorganised attatchmentstyle, you always have to work with your anger.
You can also try to remember, to not take the bait, when you feel he is provoking or talking down to you. Do not take the bait, when he does that. And def. not while you are texting.
By the way- what is "a friendly conversation on text"? Have you seen the thread about the problem with texting ?
You can also think and work with/write it down - what you would have said in a "grownup healthy mindfull way".
Oh thank you!!!!! Sometimes I feel out of control! It is an addiction. It is NOT fair to him. I was his collateral damage. But, he is my collateral damage. I'm proud of myself for not jumping into a new relationship. I'm proud of myself for continuing to exercise. I'm proud of myself for going to therapy. I'm proud of myself for reaching out to this group and being vulnerable. He texted me this morning "good morning. I blocked u." I'm so glad he did. I was out of control. I asked if he could see my messages now. He said yes and that he forgot to unblock me last night. I was a "bit unbearable" which was an understatement. I texted 3 more times. I was sorry and know my behavior pushes him away. He didn't respond. I texted again with that I wouldn't text anymore today and I was about to get started with my work. He responded to that. "ok have a good day" I must accept he has moved on. I have to let him go. I don't understand why he continues to engage me but he left. I need to heal and move on for ME! I love the support and great ideas. I went to Staples and found a notebook (on sale .94 cents!) to write everything I need to say to him. Thanks so much for all of you. |
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Post by sissyk on Jan 9, 2019 13:23:59 GMT
I'm not sure if this was suggested on your other thread, but I found it very helpful to write a 2 column list. One side was all things I liked/admired/respected/enjoyed about DA and our connection over the months--the other side was a list of his shortcomings, ways he had been hurtful neglectful, my dissatisfaction and disappointment about his behavior towards me. It will make you see the situation was not ideal. We tend to crave things that are off limits and so idolize what we are denied.
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laura
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Posts: 36
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Post by laura on Jan 10, 2019 1:54:46 GMT
Thanks! My therapist actually told me to create a list. It's funny how the things a lot of people dislike about avoidant behavior, I find quirky. I have similar traits.
This morning he texted me "Good morning. I blocked you." I asked if he could now read my texts. He responded, "yes, forgot to unblock you last night. You were becoming a bit unbearable." I agreed and apologized. We texted a few more times throughout the day.
I've never had anyone text me to tell me they had blocked and unblocked me.
I realized tonight it's too painful to have him in my life if I can't see him. I won't ask to see him. That's up to him now. He knows he hurt me. I don't need an apology from him. I know he's sorry. I just miss him. I'll let him come to me when he's ready.
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Post by chipper on Jan 10, 2019 5:44:47 GMT
Thanks! My therapist actually told me to create a list. It's funny how the things a lot of people dislike about avoidant behavior, I find quirky. I have similar traits. This morning he texted me "Good morning. I blocked you." I asked if he could now read my texts. He responded, "yes, forgot to unblock you last night. You were becoming a bit unbearable." I agreed and apologized. We texted a few more times throughout the day. I've never had anyone text me to tell me they had blocked and unblocked me. I realized tonight it's too painful to have him in my life if I can't see him. I won't ask to see him. That's up to him now. He knows he hurt me. I don't need an apology from him. I know he's sorry. I just miss him. I'll let him come to me when he's ready. That’s a lot of texting. Have you tried a digital detox? I like to go for runs, or spend days without my phone every now and then, especially when I’m anxious. It gives me time to cool down. |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 10, 2019 9:57:21 GMT
Thanks! My therapist actually told me to create a list. It's funny how the things a lot of people dislike about avoidant behavior, I find quirky. I have similar traits. This morning he texted me "Good morning. I blocked you." I asked if he could now read my texts. He responded, "yes, forgot to unblock you last night. You were becoming a bit unbearable." I agreed and apologized. We texted a few more times throughout the day. I've never had anyone text me to tell me they had blocked and unblocked me. I realized tonight it's too painful to have him in my life if I can't see him. I won't ask to see him. That's up to him now. He knows he hurt me. I don't need an apology from him. I know he's sorry. I just miss him. I'll let him come to me when he's ready. You're "unbearable" but he's keeping you (at arm's length) in his life? It's a power struggle, don't take it personally and don't apologize, since he's still engaging he probably knows he's a part of it. He won't admit it though so don't take all the blame on yourself. Work on your attachment since it's the only thing you can control. And I like the idea of digital detox, if you can check your messages only once a day, at the same hour, have a set time for how long you allow yourself to engage. It might control impassivity. |
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laura
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Posts: 36
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Post by laura on Jan 10, 2019 10:37:47 GMT
Thanks! My therapist actually told me to create a list. It's funny how the things a lot of people dislike about avoidant behavior, I find quirky. I have similar traits. This morning he texted me "Good morning. I blocked you." I asked if he could now read my texts. He responded, "yes, forgot to unblock you last night. You were becoming a bit unbearable." I agreed and apologized. We texted a few more times throughout the day. I've never had anyone text me to tell me they had blocked and unblocked me. I realized tonight it's too painful to have him in my life if I can't see him. I won't ask to see him. That's up to him now. He knows he hurt me. I don't need an apology from him. I know he's sorry. I just miss him. I'll let him come to me when he's ready. That’s a lot of texting. Have you tried a digital detox? I like to go for runs, or spend days without my phone every now and then, especially when I’m anxious. It gives me time to cool down. I think that's a great idea. I started keeping my phone on silent yesterday. But, I need a break. Thx |
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Post by chipper on Jan 11, 2019 3:02:26 GMT
That’s a lot of texting. Have you tried a digital detox? I like to go for runs, or spend days without my phone every now and then, especially when I’m anxious. It gives me time to cool down. I think that's a great idea. I started keeping my phone on silent yesterday. But, I need a break. Thx The “hide alerts” feature works well on iOS, too. Get calls from folks you want to hear from, but don’t get an immediate ding every time the ex reaches out. |
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laura
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Post by laura on Jan 11, 2019 21:51:32 GMT
Thanks. I blocked him. For some reason the phone calls still get through. But, he is more likely to text than call. He will also give up. I don't know why I woke up today feeling like I could never talk to him again and be okay with that. But, I'm not questioning it! I feel so good not being around him.
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