Too much or not?

My FA ex was a musician as well and when it comes to band/rehearsal etc you will always come second. 😆 In all seriousness though, you said he has two kids, two jobs, is preparing for a big music festival that he’s nervous about and he’s still making time to talk and text with you frequently. I’d say that still a really good sign. I don’t think you should ask him any more about making plans....just wait for him to get into a place where he can free up a little time. I know when it’s new and exciting, days feel like weeks when you can’t see each other but if you can practice patience, you’ll show him that you can respect his time and his space and he won’t feel smothered.

As an aside, I heard this kind of let the man lead advice when I began dating again last year after-cough-decades.

I have since short term dated several guys besides DA. I think a better rule is be yourself.

If you are enthusiastic and like direct communications, my vote is show your stripes from the start. Guys who like you will appreciate your enthusiasm. That doesn't mean ask them repeatedly or do more than your share of initiating but you shouldn't have to wait behind your fan.

Also, call me old school. But if a guy likes you enough to sleep with you, he should be sturdy enough to not bolt at the first double text

Agree. Make an overture if you feel it, see how it goes over. Recalibrate based on the feedback gathered.

I think the popular message out there that women have to lean way back isn't authentic. I have found it unhelpful and time wasting rather than best practices. Though I know all the advice out there advocates men lead I wish I had ignored in some of my early dating forays.

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Yeah I hear ya. But it still sounds positive to me. Try to push your own fears down and keep yourself busy to keep your mind off of it. Try also to keep your interactions positive and try not to let those insecurities creep into your texts and calls. Good luck!

Hi notalone, while I understand that you're very attracted to this man and there are some other things you like about him, is this really the relationship dynamic you want? The list of reasons it's complicated you made are both unlikely to change anytime soon and are things that are likely to spike your anxiety. Is this situation really going to work for you without some big changes? Is there a better chance it will actually hamper your progress and self-focus by triggering you? If you're both trying to go to independent therapy and the timing is off, have you considered letting this go for now and maybe revisiting in the future if you're still single and the situation has potentially improved? If he's avoidant/afraid of commitment and JUST started therapy, it's still going to take several months to work or longer, especially when he's so busy in other areas of his life.

I know it's hard to let go when you're AP and there's an intense attraction that didn't get the opportunity to fully develop due to circumstances/timing, plus the initial pull of the anxious/avoidant pairing. I've been there. But this sounds like a very unstable dynamic to me at a time that you're trying to heal yourself.

I understand and appreciate everything you’re saying. I know the risks. But this is where I’m at and what I’m doing for now. IMy therapist asked me if I’d bet a hundred dollars it’ll work out, and I laughed out loud and said no way. I get that it’s unlikely, but I’m tired of running from it just to question what if i stayed. So I’m taking it one day at a time, doing my best not to have expectations, to keep living my life the best way I can.