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Post by unluckyinlove on Jan 26, 2019 16:10:55 GMT
Please correct me if I’m misunderstanding any of the perceived characteristics of FA/DA (and of course I’m generalizing).
From what I’ve learned, DAs tend to have a more independent and confident viewpoint in life and although they aren’t opposed to a relationship, they seem to be able to detach easier when the relationship ends with a belief that it just wasn’t meant to be. They seem to be able to move forward with a lesser emotional impact due to thier confident nature that they’ll be perfectly happy alone.
Because FAs usually have a lower self esteem/self worth and a negative viewpoint of the inevitability of relationship failure, they tend to sabotage and run with a belief that they will “get you before you get them”. They don’t have that same confidence that the DA has in the ability to live happy if alone (or at least my FA doesn’t seem to).
Because both are avoidant, I can see the FA also trying to move on with the belief that it just wasn’t meant to be, but do they have a harder time emotionally? I know the avoidant characteristic in general is an ability to just push feelings down and move on, but from what I’ve read the FA possesses a genuine desire for that closeness and intimacy whereas a DA’s desire may lean more toward independence.
So with that in mind, will an FA (who may have felt true feelings of love but believes they just couldn’t make it work) reminisce about the good times and miss an ex to a higher degree than a DA who is independently confident that they can be happy alone?
Of course I’m asking because I’m curious about how my FA may be responding internally in regards to our breakup, but I can use my ex’s daughter as an example. He was referring to his estranged daughter once when he told me that he doesn’t have the capacity to miss anyone and he said that “it may sound terrible, but he just didn’t care anymore”. I KNOW he does care because when he spoke of her, he would get melancholy and I KNOW he loves her, misses her and thinks of her often. I don’t want my AP tendencies to imagine emotion that isn’t there, but it’s just hard for me to wrap my head around someone that really has that kind of ability to suppress emotion that deeply.
So in regards to our breakup, I’m just wondering if he’s going through the motions and appearances of moving on, but if he really does think of me often and miss me or has he buried me so deeply that he really has moved on. It seems if he were DA that answer may lean a little heavier toward buried/moved on, but is there a greater emotional inner struggle for an FA?
Btw, for context in case you haven’t followed my story, we dated almost three years. He told me that he usually doesn’t have a problem moving on from relationships as no one is ever “memorable” but he told me I was different. He said we had an unbelievable connection, I was his best friend, and he loved me. He also broke up/returned twice before he finally just ghosted the third time. He had told me before that he had never returned to anyone after breaking up except me. He also admitted that he knew he was just scared and running.
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Post by alexandra on Jan 26, 2019 21:25:57 GMT
unluckyinlove , unfortunately the answer is not the one you are looking for. Having relationships is difficult and painful for all insecure attachment types, often for reasons that are projected and have nothing to do with the partner (though there's also plenty of space for real incompatibilities, as there is between any two people). Whether or not that pain is conscious or causes internal conflict, it exists in some capacity because that's part of the nature of why any insecure attachment developed in the first place. The nervous system got conditioned to handle some situation where needs weren't being met or there was some kind of abuse, which served the person as a child, but interferes with healthy connection in adults. You can read other threads where DAs describe that deactivating is not fun, although for those who haven't experienced being triggered anxious they imagine that it's easier than that. But some talk about dissociating when they don't want to and other unpleasant issues that come with avoidance, even if the pain isn't obviously coming as a result of a relationship breakup. The truth is, it doesn't matter if your ex is missing you or not if he's not actively confronting his issues. It will result in the same back and forth cycle over and over. His life is not easy, and he's not overall having an easier time with life than you are (even if he's handling the breakup differently than you are). I have been in your situation and was triggered anxious and thought all this mattered at the time, too. And I'm not saying your feelings and process for going through this isn't valuable and doesn't matter. I'm just saying that I had the opportunity to really dig into this and learn because me and my FA ex fully cycled a second time when I was earning secure and he was staying stuck in FA. His feelings for me didn't matter because those weren't the problem. He even sometimes admitted there was nothing wrong with us and it was all his baggage, but he felt it was too daunting to address and justified it later on as "humans are irrational" so he could keep avoiding the work. This was the important part -- that he couldn't give me what I wanted, which was a healthy and functional relationship with an equal partnership, and someone who desired growth as much as I did. I've now watched him cycle through with a rebound, and still nothing has changed for him. But it has for me, because I focused on what I wanted and deserved and kept working out my AP. Do I wish I could help him? Sure, but at this point not as much as I wish he could help himself someday. You'll be okay eventually. It's hard, it hurts, I know it does. But try to focus on yourself for now. He may come back another time, and it will really help you if you've focused on your own healing and building your own strength so that you'll be able to tell if it's for real and he's actually changed if he ever does come back. Or, he doesn't come back, and you've found a better path for yourself in the meantime.
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Post by nottheonion on Jan 27, 2019 15:31:51 GMT
I’m FA. Once I leave, I don’t run back, unless my partner begs me back. But still, if I asked for a breakup, it’s because I’ve been checking out for a while. Even if my partner successfully asked me back, it doesn’t stop the fact that I was already mentally checked out. It’d just be a prolonged breakup. Once that goes on for maybe a couple of times, I’d leave again and go no contact and don’t look back.
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Post by mrob on Jan 27, 2019 16:44:52 GMT
...and I’m FA and have done the whole circling thing, where I’ve been convinced that the whole lot is no good, and nothing will change, then been so sad afterwards that I’ve sought to reconnect.
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Post by unluckyinlove on Jan 27, 2019 18:42:28 GMT
So I guess the answer is that regardless of FA/DA, different people handle breakups differently based on their own personalities and the specific dynamic of the relationship. Which of course makes the most sense but it seemed from things I’ve read that it was a characteristic norm that all FA/DAs react the same in breakup...they leave,bury feelings and never look back. Thanks for satisfying my curiosity!
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Post by tnr9 on Feb 18, 2019 13:05:59 GMT
I’m FA. Once I leave, I don’t run back, unless my partner begs me back. But still, if I asked for a breakup, it’s because I’ve been checking out for a while. Even if my partner successfully asked me back, it doesn’t stop the fact that I was already mentally checked out. It’d just be a prolonged breakup. Once that goes on for maybe a couple of times, I’d leave again and go no contact and don’t look back. Yeh...that is how B is I think...he does not go back...but he mentally checks out even if physically he still is attracted. I will admit that hurt like heck because it did not register with me at all...I am all in. |
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Post by faithopelove on Feb 18, 2019 23:45:25 GMT
...and I’m FA and have done the whole circling thing, where I’ve been convinced that the whole lot is no good, and nothing will change, then been so sad afterwards that I’ve sought to reconnect. But have you ever completely shut down emotionally after being with someone and loving them? Shut down enough to not let them in again- even if you may be physically? |
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Post by faithopelove on Feb 18, 2019 23:57:11 GMT
I’m FA. Once I leave, I don’t run back, unless my partner begs me back. But still, if I asked for a breakup, it’s because I’ve been checking out for a while. Even if my partner successfully asked me back, it doesn’t stop the fact that I was already mentally checked out. It’d just be a prolonged breakup. Once that goes on for maybe a couple of times, I’d leave again and go no contact and don’t look back. Yes, I could tell my ex was mentally checking out a few before he left- he already gave up on us. 16 months later he’s still shut down. I guess some people don’t give second chances... |
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Post by alexandra on Feb 19, 2019 1:25:19 GMT
Sometimes I feel like it's not a matter of giving "second chances" when there's a deactivation like that. But actually a reversion back to whatever the person can truly give, and they aren't overcome with hormones and novelty and honeymoon period feelings that allow them to push through and keep showing up like they did earlier on in establishing the relationship. The shut down but still there offering emotional distance is the real baseline, and is the second chance, and the beginning wasn't their natural state of being. I don't know, I'm not avoidant, but there's some research that attachment-related issues may not come out heavily through the "early" relationship stages, which can last up to two years. Shut down is working for them and is what can be given long-term, without their own investment in wanting to have a less distant relationship style, and therefore choosing to show up in a different way.
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Post by faithopelove on Feb 19, 2019 1:41:40 GMT
Sometimes I feel like it's not a matter of giving "second chances" when there's a deactivation like that. But actually a reversion back to whatever the person can truly give, and they aren't overcome with hormones and novelty and honeymoon period feelings that allow them to push through and keep showing up like they did earlier on in establishing the relationship. The shut down but still there offering emotional distance is the real baseline, and is the second chance, and the beginning wasn't their natural state of being. I don't know, I'm not avoidant, but there's some research that attachment-related issues may not come out heavily through the "early" relationship stages, which can last up to two years. Shut down is working for them and is what can be given long-term, without their own investment in wanting to have a less distant relationship style, and therefore choosing to show up in a different way. Yes, I’ve often thought this way about S. The part he showed me in the beginning wasn’t really him- only what he hoped to be and once our fantasy wasn’t picture perfect, he reverted back to his true self- limitations and doubts and all. It’s like that other person has completely disappeared. That aspect has been very hard for me to accept. I kept wanting the other S to return. |
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Post by mrob on Feb 19, 2019 2:48:54 GMT
...and I’m FA and have done the whole circling thing, where I’ve been convinced that the whole lot is no good, and nothing will change, then been so sad afterwards that I’ve sought to reconnect. But have you ever completely shut down emotionally after being with someone and loving them? Shut down enough to not let them in again- even if you may be physically? Truth is that I’ve never had proper boundaries, so there’s always room for reconnection, even with the most damaging. Except for the last one that told me to “eat (something) and die, a#%^le”. She can stay where she is, even though she has sought reconnection. |
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Post by faithopelove on Feb 19, 2019 4:34:55 GMT
But have you ever completely shut down emotionally after being with someone and loving them? Shut down enough to not let them in again- even if you may be physically? Truth is that I’ve never had proper boundaries, so there’s always room for reconnection, even with the most damaging. Except for the last one that told me to “eat (something) and die, a#%^le”. She can stay where she is, even though she has sought reconnection. Wow, harsh by her...and now to seek reconciliation? She’s asking a lot! Sounds like generally you’re open for reconciliation of relationships- I always have been, too. I viewed relationships as an opportunity to work out kinks and bumps, and even a break up to me didn’t mean we had to be done forever....as long as two people are open and willing. Obviously I’m pretty big on reconciliation- I married the same man twice!! |
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Post by boomerang on Feb 19, 2019 13:21:44 GMT
But have you ever completely shut down emotionally after being with someone and loving them? Shut down enough to not let them in again- even if you may be physically? Truth is that I’ve never had proper boundaries, so there’s always room for reconnection, even with the most damaging. Except for the last one that told me to “eat (something) and die, a#%^le”. She can stay where she is, even though she has sought reconnection. Yeah, I have the same lack-of-proper-boundary thing. In my case, it goes like this: I won't accept this, I won't accept this, I won't accept this...oh, he misses me!" |
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