Post by lewis on Feb 2, 2019 10:47:14 GMT
Dear board,
I need your advice. I have been together with my girlfriend since four years, and we are planning to get married soon-ish. I recently turned 30. I am avoidant, probably FA, while my GF is anxious. I have known about the attachment styles since a long time (though I still have to read the book by Mr Kinnison) and tried to deal with my avoidance head-on: when I would feel like retreating, I would try to behave securely instead, and in general, avoid push-pull and so on. I would also discuss the attachment styles with my girlfriend and explain how I am managing my avoidance and why sometimes it is difficult for me to be close and intimate. I think I am very easy to read non-verbally and honesty is a key value for me, and I am willing to talk about difficult subjects, so overall I believe we have an open communication.
It is on the "attraction" side - and probably a combination of several factors:
1. being together for four years the limerence/"in love" phase is over. I love to cuddle with my girlfriend and we like to play "cute" with each other and caress each other, but, and this is factor
2. we did not have sex in several months. Initially it became increasingly more difficult to find a common time in which we were in the mood for it, then my girlfriend had a medical issue that made her unable to enjoy sex -
and which is probably exacerbated by us having it so infrequently. It seems that we are both content with not having it with each other but I am unsatisfied with having no sex at all.
3. Thirdly, I think I am not (and actually never was) that much attracted to her on the intellectual side. I did not worry about this so far because we still enjoy each other's company, but I wonder now if this is an issue in the longer term
Overall, while outwardly everything seems to go well, we are now more like flatmates and good friends than a couple. Some of the factors are due to my/our insecurity, some are due to natural reasons (the limerence one), some are due to us maybe not being a perfect match (but do we need to be one?)
I feel like - and this is probably my avoidance speaking - I have emotionally already moved on. I care very much about my girlfriend and I never would want to hurt her, but at the same time I can't deny that I am attracted by other
women and feel like I am ready for another relationship.
I am not sure how to continue here...
1. Muddle through, fight avoidance with discipline, maybe try to rekindle intimacy, hope that it get's better? Fill up life with obligations (house, children, job) so to not think about the lack of attraction? While this is the easiest option in the short term, I am not sure if it is sustainable, and I don't want to end up silently unhappy or having affairs.
2. Break up, start anew. The cycle repeats? Maybe look for someone with certain characteristics (which ones)?
3.
Is there any avoidant person here in a long term relationship/marriage who can share their perspective?
I need your advice. I have been together with my girlfriend since four years, and we are planning to get married soon-ish. I recently turned 30. I am avoidant, probably FA, while my GF is anxious. I have known about the attachment styles since a long time (though I still have to read the book by Mr Kinnison) and tried to deal with my avoidance head-on: when I would feel like retreating, I would try to behave securely instead, and in general, avoid push-pull and so on. I would also discuss the attachment styles with my girlfriend and explain how I am managing my avoidance and why sometimes it is difficult for me to be close and intimate. I think I am very easy to read non-verbally and honesty is a key value for me, and I am willing to talk about difficult subjects, so overall I believe we have an open communication.
We get along well (living together now since more than six months) but of course we have some disagreements. I read that even couples who stay together for decades tend to have some disagreements that they never solve, so this is not a concern at all for me.
Now, that sounds all dandy, so where's the issue?
1. being together for four years the limerence/"in love" phase is over. I love to cuddle with my girlfriend and we like to play "cute" with each other and caress each other, but, and this is factor
2. we did not have sex in several months. Initially it became increasingly more difficult to find a common time in which we were in the mood for it, then my girlfriend had a medical issue that made her unable to enjoy sex -
and which is probably exacerbated by us having it so infrequently. It seems that we are both content with not having it with each other but I am unsatisfied with having no sex at all.
3. Thirdly, I think I am not (and actually never was) that much attracted to her on the intellectual side. I did not worry about this so far because we still enjoy each other's company, but I wonder now if this is an issue in the longer term
Overall, while outwardly everything seems to go well, we are now more like flatmates and good friends than a couple. Some of the factors are due to my/our insecurity, some are due to natural reasons (the limerence one), some are due to us maybe not being a perfect match (but do we need to be one?)
I feel like - and this is probably my avoidance speaking - I have emotionally already moved on. I care very much about my girlfriend and I never would want to hurt her, but at the same time I can't deny that I am attracted by other
women and feel like I am ready for another relationship.
I am not sure how to continue here...
1. Muddle through, fight avoidance with discipline, maybe try to rekindle intimacy, hope that it get's better? Fill up life with obligations (house, children, job) so to not think about the lack of attraction? While this is the easiest option in the short term, I am not sure if it is sustainable, and I don't want to end up silently unhappy or having affairs.
2. Break up, start anew. The cycle repeats? Maybe look for someone with certain characteristics (which ones)?
3.
Is there any avoidant person here in a long term relationship/marriage who can share their perspective?
