Post by unluckyinlove on Feb 2, 2019 18:26:45 GMT
So I’m AP and only 2 1/2 months out of an almost 3 yr (probably more like 2 yr with all of the breaks and restarts) relationship with my FA ex. We have been in no contact since breakup. Although he came back twice before, I have healed through acceptance that this third break is definitely permanent. I’ve also healed through the knowledge that it really should be as we are oil and water and it’s really just a matter of how much time I want to invest in this “dance”. I am admittedly NOT yet healed through the loss/loneliness of missing my confidante, best friend and connected partner. I believe wholeheartedly that I fell in love with him and I know I am still grieving.
Without actively seeking it (because I know I’m not ready!), I’ve met a guy through my social scene who is really showing a lot of interest. I have to admit that the distraction is appealing. I’ve been polite in responding to FaceBook DMs but I haven’t encouraged anything. Well last night we happened to find ourselves at the same event (completely coincidental as we do run in the same social scene) and we met for the first time in person. Y’all, this guy looks SO much like my ex and has the same vibe in the way he carries himself! I find myself very intrigued by him. The similarity to my ex though seems to stop with looks and vibe. Beyond that I find his personality to be very dry (a bit boring), not at all quick witted (like my ex), not as intellectual as my ex, and the “spark” of connection is just not there as it was immediately with my ex. It makes me wonder if I’m only drawn to the parts in him where I see my ex (wanting my ex back!). That part of my understanding wants to immediately cut myself off from this person that I am not invested in and just tell him I’m not yet ready to date. I totally know that comparing this guy to my ex is completely not fair as he really does seem like a really nice guy.
But.......
1) I know AP characteristic is to meet someone and immediately start sizing them up as their future partner and completely overthinking what should really just be simple dating. (Just enjoy coffee or dinner and friendship if I find him intriguing and he asks me out!)
2) I also know it is characteristically AP to look for those “sparks” and be put off by what they determine as “boring” when the person they are judging could actually posses much of the long term qualities that their last partner lacked if they would just give it a chance. (It could actually be “shyness” that is being misinterpreted as “boring”)
I’d like to know the perspective of other APs. The fact that I’m doing so much comparison to my ex...is that a sign that I really should just back away and focus on myself right now? Or, is the distraction fine, I’m completely letting my AP nature overthink this and I should just enjoy getting to know him as long as I take it slow and am honest with him about where I’m at and what I am capable of emotionally?
Without actively seeking it (because I know I’m not ready!), I’ve met a guy through my social scene who is really showing a lot of interest. I have to admit that the distraction is appealing. I’ve been polite in responding to FaceBook DMs but I haven’t encouraged anything. Well last night we happened to find ourselves at the same event (completely coincidental as we do run in the same social scene) and we met for the first time in person. Y’all, this guy looks SO much like my ex and has the same vibe in the way he carries himself! I find myself very intrigued by him. The similarity to my ex though seems to stop with looks and vibe. Beyond that I find his personality to be very dry (a bit boring), not at all quick witted (like my ex), not as intellectual as my ex, and the “spark” of connection is just not there as it was immediately with my ex. It makes me wonder if I’m only drawn to the parts in him where I see my ex (wanting my ex back!). That part of my understanding wants to immediately cut myself off from this person that I am not invested in and just tell him I’m not yet ready to date. I totally know that comparing this guy to my ex is completely not fair as he really does seem like a really nice guy.
But.......
1) I know AP characteristic is to meet someone and immediately start sizing them up as their future partner and completely overthinking what should really just be simple dating. (Just enjoy coffee or dinner and friendship if I find him intriguing and he asks me out!)
2) I also know it is characteristically AP to look for those “sparks” and be put off by what they determine as “boring” when the person they are judging could actually posses much of the long term qualities that their last partner lacked if they would just give it a chance. (It could actually be “shyness” that is being misinterpreted as “boring”)
I’d like to know the perspective of other APs. The fact that I’m doing so much comparison to my ex...is that a sign that I really should just back away and focus on myself right now? Or, is the distraction fine, I’m completely letting my AP nature overthink this and I should just enjoy getting to know him as long as I take it slow and am honest with him about where I’m at and what I am capable of emotionally?
