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Post by Deleted on Feb 20, 2019 18:13:09 GMT
Oh, not only the intensity... for AP has another ‘name’ as love addicts, the anxiety of losing the relationship is one of the cause for not feeling close enough with the avoidant partner, that’s why there is the urge for pursuit. I don’t hear people in this forum say that the FA partner pursuit them after some distance, but you hear them say, the FA push again after coming back. So, the anxiety doesn’t seems as intense to me? It must be triggered. You don't hear it because here you mostly have testimonies of anxious PREOCCUPATIED people who want closeness and will not leave, that distance was created by FA in the first place, why would they fear losing you unless you're clearly moving on? Them coming back (but not pulling) it's simply them feeling ok again after some distance, them forgetting you were too close, them having no boundaries,not them being anxious. To me, as FA, there's a 'sweet spot' that I want to maintain by reacting to people who are either too close or too distant. APs are never distant. Let me assure you, it is intense. |
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Post by 8675309 on Feb 20, 2019 18:56:05 GMT
AP types will get distant too but it’s mainly protest behavior trying to get back at the person not an avoidance thing. Or If they have finally had enough.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 20, 2019 19:46:39 GMT
AP types will get distant too but it’s mainly protest behavior trying to get back at the person not an avoidance thing. Or If they have finally had enough. Yes, but it's easy to see though it or interpret it as manipulation... I'd simply move on in that case. |
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Post by faithopelove on Feb 20, 2019 20:58:52 GMT
AP types will get distant too but it’s mainly protest behavior trying to get back at the person not an avoidance thing. Or If they have finally had enough. Yeah, as an AP I don’t create distance more than momentarily while in a relationship. Time and space set off my anxiety so even in protest behavior I’m likely to want to talk it out and “fix” things. Reconnect. When I’m done- that’s the only time I shut down. I have to be over and done. |
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Post by alexandra on Feb 20, 2019 21:25:35 GMT
Oh, not only the intensity... for AP has another ‘name’ as love addicts, the anxiety of losing the relationship is one of the cause for not feeling close enough with the avoidant partner, that’s why there is the urge for pursuit. I don’t hear people in this forum say that the FA partner pursuit them after some distance, but you hear them say, the FA push again after coming back. So, the anxiety doesn’t seems as intense to me? I went no contact with my FA ex for almost a year. When I reopened communication and made it "safe" for him to respond, he started pursuing me immediately and heavily, though more for intense emotional companionship and all the time I'd give him rather than a full blown romantic relationship. Then there was push-pull from him as we navigated reconciling, sometimes he got triggered anxious as I backed away from his drama, and when we really reconciled he totally deactivated again. So I think you're getting a selection bias on the board, of AP or FA triggered anxious being the most likely to post and least likely to create a lot of distance or even security with their deactivating partners. My other FA ex has more avoidance and less anxiety than this one, so there's also differences in the mix, as suggested by other posters. |
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Post by mistakes on Feb 21, 2019 1:41:50 GMT
Oh, not only the intensity... for AP has another ‘name’ as love addicts, the anxiety of losing the relationship is one of the cause for not feeling close enough with the avoidant partner, that’s why there is the urge for pursuit. I don’t hear people in this forum say that the FA partner pursuit them after some distance, but you hear them say, the FA push again after coming back. So, the anxiety doesn’t seems as intense to me? It must be triggered. You don't hear it because here you mostly have testimonies of anxious PREOCCUPATIED people who want closeness and will not leave, that distance was created by FA in the first place, why would they fear losing you unless you're clearly moving on? Them coming back (but not pulling) it's simply them feeling ok again after some distance, them forgetting you were too close, them having no boundaries,not them being anxious. To me, as FA, there's a 'sweet spot' that I want to maintain by reacting to people who are either too close or too distant. APs are never distant. Let me assure you, it is intense. Thanks for making it so clear, between coming back but not pulling , and triggered with distance. I help to make sense and for me to reflect on all my past relationships, friendships etc. It’s funny, cause my friend said I got all defensive when she first asked where do I live. It’s a nice way to be able to understand myself better, so that I’m more able to choose rather than react. I guess I should appreciate more the families and friends that never “triggered” me in anxious way, and in a sense, I’m glad that the FA now feels more like in the “sweet spot”. This forum does help suggesting how to grow. Friends might have their opinions on what is an ideal romance relationship, but it would push me in a lonely and helpless spot, for knowledge doesn’t help me to break the attachment. But by accepting the attachment, instead of use the energy to deny myself, I learn to focus on being responsible to my feeling, learn how to self-care, not expecting the FA to make me feel better in any way, this feel less like a dead end. |
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Post by 8675309 on Feb 21, 2019 2:11:23 GMT
AP types will get distant too but it’s mainly protest behavior trying to get back at the person not an avoidance thing. Or If they have finally had enough. Yes, but it's easy to see though it or interpret it as manipulation... I'd simply move on in that case. Sure. I was just pointing out that AP can have behavior like this. Be it protest or they have finally had enough. Also you may see through but others may not. Love is blind.
Any attachment reaches their breaking point and can grow distant/disconnect. I have! haha.
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Post by 8675309 on Feb 21, 2019 2:58:46 GMT
Forgot to add...
OP An FA/DA/I was an anxious ball(and I test in the 2-3% range for anxious...) brought me here so I understand the 'madness'... Do you. It stings but its not about us. Stings like a mad! haha.
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Post by happyidiot on Feb 21, 2019 6:50:43 GMT
As i mention above, because when I’m an FA to my family l, I don’t feel the intense anxiety of losses get the person, as I fear losing other relationships. And also, the FA from this site, seems to be consistent with thier struggle, not quite “switch” to AP in romance... perhaps it’s because FA attracts AP more often then DA? First of all, people feel/act very differently with their family and friends than they do with romantic partners. Just because you test as FA with your family doesn't mean that how you feel about your family represents the feelings a typical FA has towards romantic partners. Secondly, every FA is different. Thirdly, the way a FA will feel about each person is different. I am not sure where you got the idea that FAs on this board are consistent. I think maybe you need to read more of the posts. I thought I was AP at first for quite a while because the relationships that stood out to me were the ones where I was pulled into a highly anxious state. If I date another FA (who is either stronger in FA than me or more avoidant) seems to usually make me the most anxious, DAs can make me quite anxious too, and APs tend to make me more FA or DA, but these are not hard and fast rules. Oh, not only the intensity... for AP has another ‘name’ as love addicts, the anxiety of losing the relationship is one of the cause for not feeling close enough with the avoidant partner, that’s why there is the urge for pursuit. I don’t hear people in this forum say that the FA partner pursuit them after some distance, but you hear them say, the FA push again after coming back. So, the anxiety doesn’t seems as intense to me? Again, maybe you haven't read enough of the forums. The FA push/pull is classic. I've definitely read accounts on this forum from people whose FA partner/exes pursued them intensely. It's complex. I can't imagine my anxiety is less intense than an AP's, it's just that I don't feel that way all the time or about every partner. But the intensity has been absolutely unbearable at times. Like a baby who was abandoned by its parents to die. And there's another type of anxiety as well, the kind that isn't the clingy kind but the avoidant kind. That can be an anxious feeling too. I guess I should speak in past tense though, because I have gotten more secure since I joined this board. |
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Post by mrob on Feb 21, 2019 8:59:07 GMT
I suggest getting Jeb’s book and reading it. It’s well worth the time and effort.
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Post by mistakes on Feb 21, 2019 14:16:33 GMT
I read the book last year, but the forum helps much more^^
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Post by mistakes on Feb 21, 2019 14:25:18 GMT
As i mention above, because when I’m an FA to my family l, I don’t feel the intense anxiety of losses get the person, as I fear losing other relationships. And also, the FA from this site, seems to be consistent with thier struggle, not quite “switch” to AP in romance... perhaps it’s because FA attracts AP more often then DA? First of all, people feel/act very differently with their family and friends than they do with romantic partners. Just because you test as FA with your family doesn't mean that how you feel about your family represents the feelings a typical FA has towards romantic partners. Secondly, every FA is different. Thirdly, the way a FA will feel about each person is different. I am not sure where you got the idea that FAs on this board are consistent. I think maybe you need to read more of the posts. I thought I was AP at first for quite a while because the relationships that stood out to me were the ones where I was pulled into a highly anxious state. If I date another FA (who is either stronger in FA than me or more avoidant) seems to usually make me the most anxious, DAs can make me quite anxious too, and APs tend to make me more FA or DA, but these are not hard and fast rules. Oh, not only the intensity... for AP has another ‘name’ as love addicts, the anxiety of losing the relationship is one of the cause for not feeling close enough with the avoidant partner, that’s why there is the urge for pursuit. I don’t hear people in this forum say that the FA partner pursuit them after some distance, but you hear them say, the FA push again after coming back. So, the anxiety doesn’t seems as intense to me? Again, maybe you haven't read enough of the forums. The FA push/pull is classic. I've definitely read accounts on this forum from people whose FA partner/exes pursued them intensely. It's complex. I can't imagine my anxiety is less intense than an AP's, it's just that I don't feel that way all the time or about every partner. But the intensity has been absolutely unbearable at times. Like a baby who was abandoned by its parents to die. And there's another type of anxiety as well, the kind that isn't the clingy kind but the avoidant kind. That can be an anxious feeling too. I guess I should speak in past tense though, because I have gotten more secure since I joined this board. When it comes to individuals, of course there would be diversity, if one focus on diversity, there is no point of any theory all. I do see AP reports they have FAs pursuit them. I do remembers some FA in this forum mentions about cycles, but I don’t remember FA seek support in the support FA section for how to stop fear of loosing the partners or ex, but rather a bit more distance, like, missing the ex etc, not to an extent like AP’s obsession and wanting helps. By the way, Jeb’s book was also just basic of the different attachments, but not much about how a person would react differently to each relationship, so, it would be nice if it is not assumed that I have not read much. I’d been quite obsessed learning about attachment style, and wonder why it seems that I’ve not been paying attention. |
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Post by imnottryingtoletuin on Mar 5, 2019 5:51:20 GMT
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Post by unluckyinlove on Mar 5, 2019 14:23:57 GMT
I do see AP reports they have FAs pursuit them. I do remembers some FA in this forum mentions about cycles, but I don’t remember FA seek support in the support FA section for how to stop fear of loosing the partners or ex, but rather a bit more distance, like, missing the ex etc, not to an extent like AP’s obsession and wanting helps. I’m AP so I can’t speak for FA because quite honestly....my head can’t wrap around what they feel. But then again, I’m not sure they can always understand what they are feeling either as FA is also referred to as Disorganized Attachment. My ex is FA and his behavior is completely contradictory. I’ve had so many mutual friends come to me post BU to tell me that he “makes no sense” and they “can’t figure out what he is thinking”. So when you say that you don’t see many FA posters seeking support on how to stop the fear of losing a partner, I have a theory....: APs pretty characteristically want to hold onto the relationship. DA characteristically determine that they are more secure in not holding onto the relationship. I feel that FA has a battle going on inside between the two beliefs. So maybe FAs don’t post for support because they aren’t even sure what support they are seeking? They could very well wish to hold onto the relationship and then talk themselves out of that notion as their avoidance is triggered. I don’t want to assume that is what is going on but just a thought I had. |
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Post by unluckyinlove on Mar 5, 2019 14:33:10 GMT
I’ll also mention that my ex seems to actually USE his avoidance to battle his anxious. When he broke up and then came back the first time, he told me that he completely avoided FB because he didn’t want to see me out having fun and etc. He also went out more and drank more to numb himself so he didn’t think of me as much. Of course I think we all do that to some degree, but maybe FA just feel the push/pull within themselves a little more strongly. Idk....just a thought.
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