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Post by standintheheart on Feb 25, 2019 0:27:32 GMT
I'm slowly becoming romantically involved with a fellow AP-type. Makes me nervous. Anybody had a relationship like this, and can you share any helpful tips?
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Post by faithopelove on Feb 25, 2019 22:24:51 GMT
I'm slowly becoming romantically involved with a fellow AP-type. Makes me nervous. Anybody had a relationship like this, and can you share any helpful tips? Any two insecurely partners together offer their own set of challenges and difficulties, most definitely, but two AP are known for being the most volatile and potentially physically explosive. Looking back, I lived with a boyfriend who was AP- I am also AP and 20 years ago when we dated and lived together I was completely unaware of this. His AP was more triggered than mine due to the fact I was just coming out of my marriage. He was very jealous, controlling and insecure. He was passionate and caring, but too intense. He suffocated me, and I feared bringing children into a relationship with such instability. His extreme AP ways actually drove me to the avoidant side and I only test a low number 1 on the avoidant scale. After 2 years, things between us began to settle down but I still knew I didn’t have the deep feelings I needed to have in order to commit to marriage like he wanted, so at that point I left. Based on my experience, I would caution you to not let things escalate- conflicts and escalating arguments are common with two triggered AP’s. Try to openly communicate your wants and feelings before tensions mount and aim to maintain a peaceful and calm atmosphere. Try not to talk about things endlessly or let arguments drag into the night- know when to walk away and cool off. Also, try to maintain a life of your own so your lives don’t become enmeshed and implode. Study attachment and know your triggers. Many pitfalls to two AP’s but like any attachment if you’re both willing to work at it and are highly self-aware, then it’s possible. You’re in a good forum to learn and gain support. |
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Post by anne12 on Feb 26, 2019 0:55:33 GMT
An attatchment therapists who both gives individual therapy, couples therapy and teaches other therapists says, that it is possible for two ap's to make IT Work.
But the problem is often, that the "longing" (confused with love) often has to be there, to keep an ap in the relationship. If both of Them are too availible at the same time, there can be No longing.
And one of them or both Will loose interest, and end the relationship, just to look for someone new, they can Long for.
If they are "on" at the same time maybe it Will often not Work.
If they shift to be the one who is "on" in the relationship IT can Work.
Of course depending how mush insecure attatchment they have got.
Also there is the more quiet type of ap (they one that caters more and more often just becomes sad and quiet) and then there is the loud one who complains more with more noise and "temper".
And again there are All the benefits when they are more regulated - caring, attentive, emotional avaible, chatty and often they have the same lovelanguage ect.
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Post by gaynxious on Feb 28, 2019 20:57:51 GMT
I was in a pseudo relationship with a man that I am unsure if he is AP or FA but for the longest time he certainly had an AP attchement to me. He is extremely anxious regardless of whether he is AP or FA.
I would say the relationship was very intense and in a lot of ways very fulfilling. We had an extreme amount of intimacy and spent a lot of time together and enjoyed each other’s company a lot. But he deff came on strong for me and despite us both acknowledging we weren’t romantically or long term compatible he would occasionally try to press me to be in an actual relationship rather than the intensely close friends with benefits relationship we had.
I found myself becoming avoidant with him as a means to handle how emotionally demanding he could be. He would be completely incapable of regulating his emotions and would often be sad if I didn’t drop whatever I was doing to hang out with him.
We got into a pattern of having huge blow outs every two or three months and often I was unsure if the friendship was over or not. Then we would make up but often nothing would get resolved.
Things got a little better when he started seeing a secure man and the three of us while not a thruple were definitely in some sort of polyamorous situation. Then I had to check out as the two of them started fighting all the time and the AP became more interested in hanging out with his boyfriend, which I didn’t hold against him it was just that my needs weren’t being met anymore so I had to look elsewhere.
In fights he is super unreasonable, all that matters is how he feels, and he hasn’t learned that just because he is upset doesn’t mean anyone has done anything wrong.
Now they have broken up and we are closer but I don’t think I will let myself get as emeshed as I was, although he very much wants that.
From what I have read and learned on here in AP-AP relationships the less anxious person becomes avoidant to prevent suffocation and boundaries are often violated. The intimacy is intense but the situation is volatile because both parties tend to be bad at communicating emotional needs and tend to not realize when their emotional needs are different from normal and lash out that the other party hasn’t picked up on it. It can be quite a mine field.
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