Standards and integrity to self

ocarina, are you and I the only DA on the forum? I left because it is difficult to be kind of like a sore thumb sticking out when I have something to process, that might be triggering to many posters here because they are working through their own breakups or difficulties with a DA partner or ex. I am not concerned with others thinking DA are the baddies lol, because all they have to go on are their own relationships and their perspective will be biased by what they perceived there. I've had some assumptions made about me purely because of my attachment type, it's ok, at the end of the day people have to face the reality of their own situation regardless of what they think of me and mine.

I logged back in because I am noticing something in myself, a permeability when it comes to boundaries. I would like to bounce it back and forth with you in the support section if you have time. It has to do with something I was putting together in another thread, being raised by parents with high anxiety (mom FA and dad DA with severe general anxiety, I think! They both had an inability to be present and happy. That pattern has carried on in my adult relationships, where I find myself offering my perspective, optimism, rationality, to soothe worries and frets about everything BUT the present- also having to defend myself and my choices and perspectives, constantly. . Being with unhealthy partners who are prone to anxiety whether in relationship or in a general sense, has revealed to me how I take on the emotional negativity of that- I find myself thinking about things that don't upset me, but I am feeling stressed about them because my PARTNER is- and I end up exerting my time, energy, focus, on soothing or protecting them while I suffer stressors that wouldn't be stressors otherwise, they wouldn't be on my radar except I'm in a role of soother and pacifier and problem solver. This is a role I took on in my own coping as a kid, growing up through adulthood even, and it's part of my own dysfunction in relationship. It's a form of codependency, a role, that I don't want to perpetuate. I caught myself today, feeling negative about something (!) because someone close to me has stress about that Something and I knew I would hear about it. It's a permeable emotional boundary, that I want to patch up. I want to be able to let someone else's stress and anxiety and worry and fretting be THEIRS, without taking it on or allowing it to impact me negatively.
I'm not talking about not having compassion and empathy-I'm talking about not taking on something that belongs to someone else.


Does this make sense to you ocarina? Can you empathize with it and not be seeing me as a baddie who doesn't care? Or who cultivates anxiety and worry in a partner by being inadequate somehow? I would like to be able to discuss this with someone who gets it from my perspective and it seems as though you do. I of course understand it if you can't be on here much, and that's cool- I'm just actively aware of this in myself and want to stay conscious and change the pattern.

My therapist reached out today to see how I am, I'm doing great but don't want to spend an hourly fee working through something that I feel peer support would be great for!

I don't think most of the anxious-leaning folk see the DAs as the bad guys if 1. the anxious folks have gotten to a point that they can turn inwards and aren't always fixated on their avoidant partners 2. the anxious folks aren't triggered. Many appreciate the new and different perspectives if both those things are true. It's not up to the DAs to manage the feelings of the anxious on this board and it certainly does play out that way sometimes, so you don't need to stick around or engage, especially if it's getting nasty. But I personally find commenters from all perspectives valuable and no one sticking out like a sore thumb just because there are more posters of one type or who are earlier along in their process. Hopefully that's not driven you and all the DAs totally away

Thank you for this and for your prior comments, I appreciate it. There is definitely a majority of people who have anxiety as a significant part of their attachment style and the DA perspective is fairly triggering from what I can see. I do feel I have gotten a lot of supportive and informative feedback, but I'm also aware that I'm one of two or so DA here and the perspectives really are very different! It helps me to hear from another DA especially on this- as just about every AP here is unhappy with their DA who didn't give adequate support.

Parental enmeshment is real. I guess that's what I have experienced. I've seen it in some ways, but this last relationship really drove it home to me and made me see specific ways I have been maladaptive. It's true that I developed as a dismissive. But the entire time I have been looked to (I guess one would say) regulate the emotions of significant people- parents, partners. I have a hard time remembering how this worked in relationships when I was shut down and unaware... I just wasn't connected. So I probably just avoided. But now as I am coming closer to secure and I am emotionally available, I'm in that role- it's a leftover part of my makeup, I suppose.
I found an article about enmeshment. My mother was overbearing emotionally while also neglectful. I would guess she was avoidant just because I rarely interacted with her directly, she was not engaged much that I remember. My Dad was absent and not engaged either- he abandoned the entire family. . But my mother did overwhelm me with her emotional needs, I especially saw as I got older. She was also very critical. I don't know. All that is so confusing to me.

Here is a link to the article. I really can appreciate the tips given at the end , for making the emotional boundaries I have lacked. It's really good stuff ocarina!
www.neilstrauss.com/the-truth/enmeshment/

Also, I have had more light contact with my ex, but with boundaries around this intact. I also have boundaries with him about hot/cold or push/pull behavior. I told him that nobody in my life, not one single person that I have close to me now in my loving relationships, behaves in a hot/cold push-pull manner with me, and that even as a friend he wouldn't get away with it. It was a good natured but serious conversation. I told him that if he feels a mood he will need to check it before he engages with me, because I really do insist on consistency and good manners. He acknowledged that that is how I have treated him and he appreciates it, so he can see how important it would be to me. I'm not expecting much, but if he is going to be in touch with me it needs to be reasonable and not an emotional roller coaster. I like him, I don't like his moods and how they have driven the interactions.

Shall we continue the discussion on the support forum? I think I understand- all relationships to seem heavy with a weight of responsibility for making a partner feel good - in the past often at my expense. I take on emotion from other people like a sponge then feel compelled to fix it or apologize or worst case scenario avoids he person or situations altogether.