|
|
Post by faithopelove on Mar 13, 2019 1:17:12 GMT
You said you learned about attachment theory? Your relationship sounds like an example of the push/pull dynamic between FA and AP at its worst. I’ve been there so I know that deep internal struggle. Yours actually played out the hurtful dynamic quite literally by landing yourself in jail.
Understanding the dynamic can help you with acceptance and understanding your own attachment style and addressing it will hopefully bring you some relief and peace. If you’re plan is to pursue him again, reconsider bc he sent you a message. He clearly wants space. The last think you need is a restraining order against you. Chasing won’t bring him back. For your sake, I’d stay away. Sorry 😞
|
|
|
|
Post by sadandlonely on Mar 13, 2019 2:00:50 GMT
He is a dismissive avoidant for sure. He took the assessment. At the time it showed all of his relationships as being dismissive avoidant except for ours, he was secure with ours. This was during our summer off when we had less stress and also near the time he told me he loved me.
I am most certainly a AP. I am working on myself but that came too late in the relationship because I became aware of the attachment theory far too late.
|
|
|
|
Post by faithopelove on Mar 13, 2019 2:34:11 GMT
He is a dismissive avoidant for sure. He took the assessment. At the time it showed all of his relationships as being dismissive avoidant except for ours, he was secure with ours. This was during our summer off when we had less stress and also near the time he told me he loved me. I am most certainly a AP. I am working on myself but that came too late in the relationship because I became aware of the attachment theory far too late. My ex is a DA too and I can tell you that pushing a DA will either make them shut down further or bite back. Lose/lose A guy who is meant for you and capable of loving and being loved will come back and put real effort into making it work. If he doesn’t come back then his absence will allow space for someone different to come into your heart and life. Someone who won’t run off at the first sign of stress. Win/win |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 13, 2019 3:18:46 GMT
I suggest that you seek professional mental health support to address your issues. This man has told you he doesn't want to see you or speak to you. And here you are, saying you need to get things to the point that you are speaking. This is very controlling of you. You are concerned about his demons, but my opinion that you are totally out of control with your own and ought to take responsibility for yourself instead of focusing on him.
If you persist he is well within his rights to seek a restraining order. He is in medical school and does not want to be bothered by you, according to what you have shared here. You have no right to impose yourself on him in any way, whether you agree with his boundary or not. He is making a significant investment of time, money, and energy to pursue a medical career. If he is wise, he will not allow distractions such as this to obstruct him. Whether you agree or not,attachment theory aside, , he has spoken for himself, and it's incredibly disrespectful (and possibly criminal, as you should have learned by now) for you to persist against his wishes.
I'm a DA in the process of becoming secure and if all this had happened in a relationship I would be done done done done done. You're barking up the wrong tree if you bring this kind of drama and out of control behavior to a DA, especially while said DA is making a tremendous investment in extremely expensive education for a very challenging and competitive career track. DA don't prioritize relationships and drama and embarrassing scenes, they tend to prioritize logistical concerns, career, independence, their own performance at their endeavors, their own goals. You will not change this. But, if you try you could alter your future significantly with a DV / intimate partner charge against you. Where I come from, a medical license is not obtainable with a criminal background. Take heed.
|
|
|
|
Post by faithopelove on Mar 13, 2019 4:02:48 GMT
I suggest that you seek professional mental health support to address your issues. This man has told you he doesn't want to see you or speak to you. And here you are, saying you need to get things to the point that you are speaking. This is very controlling of you. You are concerned about his demons, but my opinion that you are totally out of control with your own and ought to take responsibility for yourself instead of focusing on him. If you persist he is well within his rights to seek a restraining order. He is in medical school and does not want to be bothered by you, according to what you have shared here. You have no right to impose yourself on him in any way, whether you agree with his boundary or not. He is making a significant investment of time, money, and energy to pursue a medical career. If he is wise, he will not allow distractions such as this to obstruct him. Whether you agree or not,attachment theory aside, , he has spoken for himself, and it's incredibly disrespectful (and possibly criminal, as you should have learned by now) for you to persist against his wishes. I'm a DA in the process of becoming secure and if all this had happened in a relationship I would be done done done done done. You're barking up the wrong tree if you bring this kind of drama and out of control behavior to a DA, especially while said DA is making a tremendous investment in extremely expensive education for a very challenging and competitive career track. DA don't prioritize relationships and drama and embarrassing scenes, they tend to prioritize logistical concerns, career, independence, their own performance at their endeavors, their own goals. You will not change this. But, if you try you could alter your future significantly with a DV / intimate partner charge against you. Where I come from, a medical license is not obtainable with a criminal background. Take heed. I agree with everything @nullified said. You need to let go. In time you will see it was the right choice. For now, just let him go. No talking, no friendship. Respect his decision. Turn your attention within. Grieve if you must mourn the end of your relationship, but grieve and move on. |
|
|
|
Post by number9 on Mar 13, 2019 5:54:30 GMT
I suggest that you seek professional mental health support to address your issues. This man has told you he doesn't want to see you or speak to you. And here you are, saying you need to get things to the point that you are speaking. This is very controlling of you. You are concerned about his demons, but my opinion that you are totally out of control with your own and ought to take responsibility for yourself instead of focusing on him. If you persist he is well within his rights to seek a restraining order. He is in medical school and does not want to be bothered by you, according to what you have shared here. You have no right to impose yourself on him in any way, whether you agree with his boundary or not. He is making a significant investment of time, money, and energy to pursue a medical career. If he is wise, he will not allow distractions such as this to obstruct him. Whether you agree or not,attachment theory aside, , he has spoken for himself, and it's incredibly disrespectful (and possibly criminal, as you should have learned by now) for you to persist against his wishes. I'm a DA in the process of becoming secure and if all this had happened in a relationship I would be done done done done done. You're barking up the wrong tree if you bring this kind of drama and out of control behavior to a DA, especially while said DA is making a tremendous investment in extremely expensive education for a very challenging and competitive career track. DA don't prioritize relationships and drama and embarrassing scenes, they tend to prioritize logistical concerns, career, independence, their own performance at their endeavors, their own goals. You will not change this. But, if you try you could alter your future significantly with a DV / intimate partner charge against you. Where I come from, a medical license is not obtainable with a criminal background. Take heed. You have no idea what I put into our relationship and the emotional abuse I took from him when he was angry. I put alot of my energy into the relationship, and literally sacrificed myself to ensure that things were okay for him. That is where I went wrong.. His successful performance his first year was partially because of me and the immense amount of support I gave him. What is inconsiderate is to not say “okay we can be civil” when he knows it is distracting me from my studies. I’m already seeking help, thank you. This “out of control behavior” was his own for calling the cops and lying. Ruining someone’s life who gave you everything, because it may annoy you to see their face is ridiculous. Sorry. If you feel it’s okay for him to pursue a restraining order when all I seek is civil interactions then you are far from being secure. Your post was quite rude by the way. ^ All you can do now is move forward in your life, no matter how much you invested in your relationship. Direct some love at yourself, instead, to help you be strong and focus on your studies. No matter how angry you feel, you need to stay away from this ex, who has clearly stated his wish for no contact. You will feel differently in the future, even if you can't see it right now, and I'm sure you don't want any more trouble with the law (as nullified points out). I really hope you can find some peace and look out for yourself, first and foremost. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 13, 2019 14:32:52 GMT
I suggest that you seek professional mental health support to address your issues. This man has told you he doesn't want to see you or speak to you. And here you are, saying you need to get things to the point that you are speaking. This is very controlling of you. You are concerned about his demons, but my opinion that you are totally out of control with your own and ought to take responsibility for yourself instead of focusing on him. If you persist he is well within his rights to seek a restraining order. He is in medical school and does not want to be bothered by you, according to what you have shared here. You have no right to impose yourself on him in any way, whether you agree with his boundary or not. He is making a significant investment of time, money, and energy to pursue a medical career. If he is wise, he will not allow distractions such as this to obstruct him. Whether you agree or not,attachment theory aside, , he has spoken for himself, and it's incredibly disrespectful (and possibly criminal, as you should have learned by now) for you to persist against his wishes. I'm a DA in the process of becoming secure and if all this had happened in a relationship I would be done done done done done. You're barking up the wrong tree if you bring this kind of drama and out of control behavior to a DA, especially while said DA is making a tremendous investment in extremely expensive education for a very challenging and competitive career track. DA don't prioritize relationships and drama and embarrassing scenes, they tend to prioritize logistical concerns, career, independence, their own performance at their endeavors, their own goals. You will not change this. But, if you try you could alter your future significantly with a DV / intimate partner charge against you. Where I come from, a medical license is not obtainable with a criminal background. Take heed. You have no idea what I put into our relationship and the emotional abuse I took from him when he was angry. I put alot of my energy into the relationship, and literally sacrificed myself to ensure that things were okay for him. That is where I went wrong.. His successful performance his first year was partially because of me and the immense amount of support I gave him. What is inconsiderate is to not say “okay we can be civil” when he knows it is distracting me from my studies. I’m already seeking help, thank you. This “out of control behavior” was his own for calling the cops and lying. Ruining someone’s life who gave you everything, because it may annoy you to see their face is ridiculous. Sorry. If you feel it’s okay for him to pursue a restraining order when all I seek is civil interactions then you are far from being secure. Your post was quite rude by the way. The incident in which you described grabbing his arms and attempting to take his phone could result in domestic assault and battery charges in many states of the US. I don't know where you live, but here's an attorney's warning about such behavior. This is based on what you yourself admit to in this post. It's out of control to aggressively touch another person and try to take their phone. www.taylorlawco.com/blog/domestic-assault-and-battery--it-does-not-take-much.cfmAlso, you are not entitled to contact from him just because you would prefer it. He has asked for no contact, and many states have laws to protect his right to maintain that. You may attempt to establish what you're seeking with him, no one is stopping you. So far three people here are just advising you against it. It's up to you, good luck. |
|
|
|
Post by mrob on Mar 13, 2019 16:03:57 GMT
That’s certainly the FA/AP dance and the sunken investment theory in a nutshell! My goodness.
|
|
|
|
Post by faithopelove on Mar 13, 2019 16:31:28 GMT
I suggest that you seek professional mental health support to address your issues. This man has told you he doesn't want to see you or speak to you. And here you are, saying you need to get things to the point that you are speaking. This is very controlling of you. You are concerned about his demons, but my opinion that you are totally out of control with your own and ought to take responsibility for yourself instead of focusing on him. If you persist he is well within his rights to seek a restraining order. He is in medical school and does not want to be bothered by you, according to what you have shared here. You have no right to impose yourself on him in any way, whether you agree with his boundary or not. He is making a significant investment of time, money, and energy to pursue a medical career. If he is wise, he will not allow distractions such as this to obstruct him. Whether you agree or not,attachment theory aside, , he has spoken for himself, and it's incredibly disrespectful (and possibly criminal, as you should have learned by now) for you to persist against his wishes. I'm a DA in the process of becoming secure and if all this had happened in a relationship I would be done done done done done. You're barking up the wrong tree if you bring this kind of drama and out of control behavior to a DA, especially while said DA is making a tremendous investment in extremely expensive education for a very challenging and competitive career track. DA don't prioritize relationships and drama and embarrassing scenes, they tend to prioritize logistical concerns, career, independence, their own performance at their endeavors, their own goals. You will not change this. But, if you try you could alter your future significantly with a DV / intimate partner charge against you. Where I come from, a medical license is not obtainable with a criminal background. Take heed. You have no idea what I put into our relationship and the emotional abuse I took from him when he was angry. I put alot of my energy into the relationship, and literally sacrificed myself to ensure that things were okay for him. That is where I went wrong.. His successful performance his first year was partially because of me and the immense amount of support I gave him. What is inconsiderate is to not say “okay we can be civil” when he knows it is distracting me from my studies. I’m already seeking help, thank you. This “out of control behavior” was his own for calling the cops and lying. Ruining someone’s life who gave you everything, because it may annoy you to see their face is ridiculous. Sorry. If you feel it’s okay for him to pursue a restraining order when all I seek is civil interactions then you are far from being secure. Your post was quite rude by the way. - I hope you can see that this is not good for you, even if it’s not what you want to hear or accept. All the things you stated above are more reasons to let go of an unhealthy relationship. He was emotionally abusive, you supported him and sacrificed for him, yet it appears he did not reciprocate, he negatively impacted your studies to the point you needed to take a break from school, you had delusions due to lack of sleep from stressors in this relationship....and to top it off he lied to the cops about you and had you arrested. Why would you want to go back and put yourself in the vulnerable position for more abuse, lies and mistreatment? I suppose a person only would for the hope of change and the relationship dynamic changing- for your partner to become equally supportive, loving and kind. However there’s just no reason to expect such change no matter how much we want it. I understand your desire for change. I left my ex last month. As I made the choice to step away I thought of the quote: “Repeating the same thing while expecting different results is insanity.” I wanted him and I wanted us to work. However, continuing in our newly defined casual FWB relationship gave me no sane or logical reason to expect change. I had to get real with myself and I needed to protect and love myself first. Try to step back emotionally and look at your relationship logically. Time will help with this as your heart heals. I would avoid him altogether - let him live with his choice of removing you from his life. Let him feel your absence. He knows how to find you if he desires to do so. If you feel he has the right to approach you after his treatment. Turn your love and focus inward. Find that love and security within. Then you’ll have contentment no matter who stays or leaves. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 13, 2019 22:31:54 GMT
Oh wow, he gets the blame for her doing poorly at school?In all actuality, AP insecures have been shown to do poorly at work and school due to their preoccupation with the relationship and the partner. She is responsible for her emotions, the ability or inability to regulate them and perform her responsibilities, and manage her behavior to avoid violating boundaries of personal touch and space.
I'm not saying this man was appropriate relationship material but seriously, this situation reads as incredibly violatile and emotionally labile on OP's end.
Isn't it more realistic to say that anxious preoccupation has taken its toll here? I mean. breakups happen. Wrestling matches over personal property, sobbing scenes in the hallway, and visits from police who found enough cause to actually arrest, aren't a part of every breakup. He tried to communicate a breakup to her and she wouldn't hear it and instead created a huge scene.
Medical school is known to be extremely stressful even for the most emotionally stable individuals. I'm sure it takes its toll on many a relationship, but I wouldn't bet that all the relationship fallout looks quite like this. This seems over the top to me and how much of her behavior is he culpable for? Anyone has a choice whether or not to walk away, and not everyone can or will tolerate emotional liability and explosiveness as it's expressed here .(to the point of grabbing and trying to take his phone?!) That's not necessarily abusive, to turn away and refuse to participate with that. It could be just some reasonable boundaries of a man who wants to do well in medical school instead of engage with this extremely stressful dynamic.
|
|
|
|
Post by faithopelove on Mar 13, 2019 22:46:31 GMT
Oh wow, he gets the blame for her doing poorly at school?In all actuality, AP insecures have been shown to do poorly at work and school due to their preoccupation with the relationship and the partner. She is responsible for her emotions, the ability or inability to regulate them and perform her responsibilities, and manage her behavior to avoid violating boundaries of personal touch and space. I'm not saying this man was appropriate relationship material but seriously, this situation reads as incredibly violatile and emotionally labile on OP's end. Isn't it more realistic to say that anxious preoccupation has taken its toll here? I mean. breakups happen. Wrestling matches over personal property, sobbing scenes in the hallway, and visits from police who found enough cause to actually arrest, aren't a part of every breakup. He tried to communicate a breakup to her and she wouldn't hear it and instead created a huge scene. Medical school is known to be extremely stressful even for the most emotionally stable individuals. I'm sure it takes its toll on many a relationship, but I wouldn't bet that all the relationship fallout looks quite like this. This seems over the top to me and how much of her behavior is he culpable for? Anyone has a choice whether or not to walk away, and not everyone can or will tolerate emotional liability and explosiveness as it's expressed here .(to the point of grabbing and trying to take his phone?!) That's not necessarily abusive, to turn away and refuse to participate with that. It could be just some reasonable boundaries of a man who wants to do well in medical school instead of engage with this extremely stressful dynamic. @nullified - Slow your roll. I was pointing out all those “offenses” by the OP ex so she could see by her OWN admission that this is an unhealthy and toxic relationship. Im not judging either one. I’m not saying her anxious behavior didn’t contribute to this dynamic- I am saying if by her own thoughts and words she feels this way about a guy then why would she want him back?! |
|
|
|
Post by faithopelove on Mar 13, 2019 22:50:30 GMT
Oh wow, he gets the blame for her doing poorly at school?In all actuality, AP insecures have been shown to do poorly at work and school due to their preoccupation with the relationship and the partner. She is responsible for her emotions, the ability or inability to regulate them and perform her responsibilities, and manage her behavior to avoid violating boundaries of personal touch and space. I'm not saying this man was appropriate relationship material but seriously, this situation reads as incredibly violatile and emotionally labile on OP's end. Isn't it more realistic to say that anxious preoccupation has taken its toll here? I mean. breakups happen. Wrestling matches over personal property, sobbing scenes in the hallway, and visits from police who found enough cause to actually arrest, aren't a part of every breakup. He tried to communicate a breakup to her and she wouldn't hear it and instead created a huge scene. Medical school is known to be extremely stressful even for the most emotionally stable individuals. I'm sure it takes its toll on many a relationship, but I wouldn't bet that all the relationship fallout looks quite like this. This seems over the top to me and how much of her behavior is he culpable for? Anyone has a choice whether or not to walk away, and not everyone can or will tolerate emotional liability and explosiveness as it's expressed here .(to the point of grabbing and trying to take his phone?!) That's not necessarily abusive, to turn away and refuse to participate with that. It could be just some reasonable boundaries of a man who wants to do well in medical school instead of engage with this extremely stressful dynamic. @nullified - I graduated college with a 4.0 GPA. AP or not. I barrel through my studies. No man taking my eye off my prize. Same good job year 20. Not all research applies to all people. I’m extremely determined and hard-working. All the other remarks though in your post- you should really direct at OP bc I was quoting her. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 13, 2019 23:18:21 GMT
faithopelove I'm not at all saying all research applied to all people , that's not it. I'm just saying that OP's behavior and performance is on her. You mentioned that he negatively impacted her studies and I'm just saying, her anxious preoccupation seems to have impacted her performance. OP is listing some fairly serious AP acting out behaviors on her part, is what I'm pointing out.
|
|
|
|
Post by faithopelove on Mar 13, 2019 23:33:59 GMT
faithopelove I'm not at all saying all research applied to all people , that's not it. I'm just saying that OP's behavior and performance is on her. You mentioned that he negatively impacted her studies and I'm just saying, her anxious preoccupation seems to have impacted her performance. OP is listing some fairly serious AP acting out behaviors on her part, is what I'm pointing out. @nullified - I didn’t say he was negatively affecting her studies. She did. I was quoting her earlier posts. This is the most graphic example of push/pull I’ve ever heard about. My advice is to stay away- and as I wrote above...I agreed w your post to OP. I think you misunderstood bc I didn’t use quotation marks. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 13, 2019 23:58:56 GMT
faithopelove I'm not at all saying all research applied to all people , that's not it. I'm just saying that OP's behavior and performance is on her. You mentioned that he negatively impacted her studies and I'm just saying, her anxious preoccupation seems to have impacted her performance. OP is listing some fairly serious AP acting out behaviors on her part, is what I'm pointing out. @nullified - I didn’t say he was negatively affecting her studies. She did. I was quoting her earlier posts. This is the most graphic example of push/pull I’ve ever heard about. My advice is to stay away- and as I wrote above...I agreed w your post to OP. I think you misunderstood bc I didn’t use quotation marks. Oh, I gotcha. Yes, there is a lot of stuff in the first original post and it got confusing and I can't easily go back and see it, on my phone. Yes, it's extreme! Situations like this can cross into abuse but I see the physicality as highly inappropriate, and as a DA I would retreat permanently from this kind of aggressive intensity. |
|
