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Post by nottheonion on Mar 13, 2019 11:53:18 GMT
I’m avoidant but I think this seems to be more of a DA problem so I’m posting here
I love my independence. I flaunt my independence. I actually love my life and feel happy without a partner. I just feel there’s a hole in my life without a partner. I have a lot of love to give but my independence is my shield preventing me from giving love.
When I meet someone, I flaunt my shield because I don’t want to get hurt. I tell them I don’t need someone. Deep down I really want someone. So when they get put off by how guarded I am, I’m left feeling hurt. Then I strengthened my shield and made myself more guarded.
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Post by tnr9 on Mar 16, 2019 9:59:52 GMT
I’m avoidant but I think this seems to be more of a DA problem so I’m posting here I love my independence. I flaunt my independence. I actually love my life and feel happy without a partner. I just feel there’s a hole in my life without a partner. I have a lot of love to give but my independence is my shield preventing me from giving love. When I meet someone, I flaunt my shield because I don’t want to get hurt. I tell them I don’t need someone. Deep down I really want someone. So when they get put off by how guarded I am, I’m left feeling hurt. Then I strengthened my shield and made myself more guarded. Wow...so very brave of you to put this out there. What do you want those of us who are not avoidant to know about this shield? How can we respect your love for independence while forming a relationship? |
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Post by faithopelove on Mar 16, 2019 14:05:27 GMT
I’m avoidant but I think this seems to be more of a DA problem so I’m posting here I love my independence. I flaunt my independence. I actually love my life and feel happy without a partner. I just feel there’s a hole in my life without a partner. I have a lot of love to give but my independence is my shield preventing me from giving love. When I meet someone, I flaunt my shield because I don’t want to get hurt. I tell them I don’t need someone. Deep down I really want someone. So when they get put off by how guarded I am, I’m left feeling hurt. Then I strengthened my shield and made myself more guarded. Wow...so very brave of you to put this out there. What do you want those of us who are not avoidant to know about this shield? How can we respect your love for independence while forming a relationship? - If you feel this strongly about your shield- how do you ever let someone in? Or do you choose to keep everyone out? My ex DA told me he never allowed anyone in or opened up to anyone before me. Then, after a handful of conflicts he fully erected his shield on me. For you, is there a way to repair once that shield has been lowered and then placed back up or do you think you’d be on guard and not trust forever? |
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Post by 8675309 on Mar 16, 2019 16:59:11 GMT
Do you understand the need to flaunt it? I can see the love for independence as I like mine but I don’t flaunt it, I’m just independent no need to flaunt.
Flaunting can come off as arrogant so your independence may not be such a turn off as sounding arrogant.
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Post by faithopelove on Mar 16, 2019 19:04:28 GMT
Do you understand the need to flaunt it? I can see the love for independence as I like mine but I don’t flaunt it, I’m just independent no need to flaunt. Flaunting can come off as arrogant so your independence may not be such a turn off as sounding arrogant. - I think the announcement is a way to keep people out- almost a warning that “I don’t need anyone, I’m fine by myself, so don’t have expectations of me to be there for you. You take care of you. I’ll take care of me.” My ex’s walls were all about self-preservation, but ironically I think the walls of protection were actually walls of self-sabotage. His walls are his security and I don’t know if he’ll ever bring them down again...and if he does would he feel safer with me or pursuing someone new? There’s that DA cycle. |
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Post by faithopelove on Mar 16, 2019 19:06:02 GMT
Do you understand the need to flaunt it? I can see the love for independence as I like mine but I don’t flaunt it, I’m just independent no need to flaunt. Flaunting can come off as arrogant so your independence may not be such a turn off as sounding arrogant. - And as a secure you would be in a healthy place of independence without having fear as the driving force. |
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Post by tnr9 on Mar 28, 2019 13:38:56 GMT
How can you expect to connect with someone if you don’t let them in? Vulnerability is scary but just remind yourself that no matter what happens, you will be okay. You will survive. Also, know you can still maintain your independence while still being in a relationship. Also, have some empathy and try to see how your actions of pushing someone away hurts the other person. I think the poster is speaking to some very deeply laid patterns...patterns do not change over night. Perhaps it would be wise to take your own recommendation of considering the other person into this thread. |
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