Post by okiebug on Mar 22, 2019 0:13:58 GMT
I have just recently found this forum after investing in a book by Jeb (Bad Boyfriends) and the book Attached. Both have helped ME deal with a current situation. My boyfriend and I have known each other for years (9ish?)and always kind of ebbed and flowed from each other's lives but usually ran in similar crowds and would again see and talk. He tried a few times in the past to date me. I was always interested in him BUT was either focusing on myself at that time or starting to date someone new and I dont do well with dating more than 1 at a time. But we always had mad chemistry.
Last year we got back in touch with each other through him finding me on FB and began to talk fairly regulary. I was working out of town and he came to take me out one weekend i was off. Of course we had magical chemistry (I am generally secure with tendencies toward anxious that i am aware of, even prior to this)and he started coming regularly on the weekends to spend time together and date. We did so for a while and when my travel assignment ended there he brought up moving in together. GAWD i wish i could go back and time and redo THAT whole convo. Hindsight right?
So last October we moved into a condo and things were good! I started to notice a shift in his energy towards me after he was sick over the holidays and i tended to him...i am naturally a nurturer but i have learned in past relationships to not mommy sick men, so i tended to his needs and did things he asked for )within reason). So after a month ill and he was feeling better, AND it truly appeared that his illness bonded us closer, he started to distance. I didnt mention or do anything, just took inventory of it. As the weeks went by i realized he was picking stupid fights so i attempted to talk like adults but he seemed to want angry type responses and my calmness irked him. Red flag. Check. I asked him to share what may be bothering him when we were NOT fighting once, as i told him resentments shouldn't be happening and we were always able to speak so transparently and openly before. He blamed stress at work and told me "not to take those things personally". Okay. I didn't. I didn't think. Looking back i see how this continued distance he needed was causing my old anxiety to slowly invade my mindspace. I used the tools i knew and carried on. When I gave him space that i figured he wanted, he would get angry and want time together. Basically I realized around Feb that he seemed fearful avoidant ISH. There were more, small push pull situations but i kept my self busy and had already learned trying to speak to him directly in the way that works for me(key word here...i didn't think about approaching him another way bc I'm direct and calm and nice but THAT is how I like it....)wouldnt be fruitful. I had noticed intimacy and sex waning but allowed myself to rationalize this bc of his new position at work and the stress it entails. So a week ago Sunday night, we had a small seemingly stupid argument in the middle of the night while i was half awake bc he woke me up coming back into our bedroom after getting up for a snack. I asked him to please be quieter i was sleeping and holy hell. His anger hit and he went on a verbal diarrhea tangent. I listened and then fell back asleep although my feelings were hurt by words he said.
The next morning he stomped around getting ready for work and slammed the door when he left and it bolted me wide awake. What the hell I thought. He later sent me a text saying he needed a "few days or so" away from me so he could figure out what he wanted. I said okay. I agreed a break was warranted (to myself in my head). I also apologized for my part of the issue night before and he didn't take nicely to that. So he said some stuff in next text and then asked if I could be gone later that day for about 30 mins to allow him to grab some things. I said okay. And did. He came at agreed upon time and left money for utilities on counter and let me know when he left and that he had done so (I hadn't mentioned money to him). He told me he was staying at his ex mother in laws travel trailer and depending on how that went would be getting a hotel room after. I agreed to what he asked for and didn't try to msg or contact him. He texted Thurs he needed to come grab a few things and he would be fast. I was sleeping for work and said okay. He also told me he wouldn't have time to talk that night.
So I have been confused but have respected his wanting space. A few days or so to me is clearly a week ISH but everyone is different. He has now been gone 11 days and I have heard nothing from him since last Thurs. We both signed the lease here so its not like I can simply change the locks and bag his stuff. Plus I DO love this man. Always have. And i know he loves me. Right OR wrong it's how I feel. Plus I am respectful of other people's needing space.
So my general question is... What now? Just wait it out and continue to do what I am doing which is work, hang with friends and read. Same as I always have done. I feel like if I contact him, at least right NOW, I am not respecting his need for space. But I also believe people need to communicate at some point. ANY input is appreciated.
Last year we got back in touch with each other through him finding me on FB and began to talk fairly regulary. I was working out of town and he came to take me out one weekend i was off. Of course we had magical chemistry (I am generally secure with tendencies toward anxious that i am aware of, even prior to this)and he started coming regularly on the weekends to spend time together and date. We did so for a while and when my travel assignment ended there he brought up moving in together. GAWD i wish i could go back and time and redo THAT whole convo. Hindsight right?
So last October we moved into a condo and things were good! I started to notice a shift in his energy towards me after he was sick over the holidays and i tended to him...i am naturally a nurturer but i have learned in past relationships to not mommy sick men, so i tended to his needs and did things he asked for )within reason). So after a month ill and he was feeling better, AND it truly appeared that his illness bonded us closer, he started to distance. I didnt mention or do anything, just took inventory of it. As the weeks went by i realized he was picking stupid fights so i attempted to talk like adults but he seemed to want angry type responses and my calmness irked him. Red flag. Check. I asked him to share what may be bothering him when we were NOT fighting once, as i told him resentments shouldn't be happening and we were always able to speak so transparently and openly before. He blamed stress at work and told me "not to take those things personally". Okay. I didn't. I didn't think. Looking back i see how this continued distance he needed was causing my old anxiety to slowly invade my mindspace. I used the tools i knew and carried on. When I gave him space that i figured he wanted, he would get angry and want time together. Basically I realized around Feb that he seemed fearful avoidant ISH. There were more, small push pull situations but i kept my self busy and had already learned trying to speak to him directly in the way that works for me(key word here...i didn't think about approaching him another way bc I'm direct and calm and nice but THAT is how I like it....)wouldnt be fruitful. I had noticed intimacy and sex waning but allowed myself to rationalize this bc of his new position at work and the stress it entails. So a week ago Sunday night, we had a small seemingly stupid argument in the middle of the night while i was half awake bc he woke me up coming back into our bedroom after getting up for a snack. I asked him to please be quieter i was sleeping and holy hell. His anger hit and he went on a verbal diarrhea tangent. I listened and then fell back asleep although my feelings were hurt by words he said.
The next morning he stomped around getting ready for work and slammed the door when he left and it bolted me wide awake. What the hell I thought. He later sent me a text saying he needed a "few days or so" away from me so he could figure out what he wanted. I said okay. I agreed a break was warranted (to myself in my head). I also apologized for my part of the issue night before and he didn't take nicely to that. So he said some stuff in next text and then asked if I could be gone later that day for about 30 mins to allow him to grab some things. I said okay. And did. He came at agreed upon time and left money for utilities on counter and let me know when he left and that he had done so (I hadn't mentioned money to him). He told me he was staying at his ex mother in laws travel trailer and depending on how that went would be getting a hotel room after. I agreed to what he asked for and didn't try to msg or contact him. He texted Thurs he needed to come grab a few things and he would be fast. I was sleeping for work and said okay. He also told me he wouldn't have time to talk that night.
So I have been confused but have respected his wanting space. A few days or so to me is clearly a week ISH but everyone is different. He has now been gone 11 days and I have heard nothing from him since last Thurs. We both signed the lease here so its not like I can simply change the locks and bag his stuff. Plus I DO love this man. Always have. And i know he loves me. Right OR wrong it's how I feel. Plus I am respectful of other people's needing space.
So my general question is... What now? Just wait it out and continue to do what I am doing which is work, hang with friends and read. Same as I always have done. I feel like if I contact him, at least right NOW, I am not respecting his need for space. But I also believe people need to communicate at some point. ANY input is appreciated.
