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Post by lilyg on Mar 29, 2019 13:16:42 GMT
Yeah... I would be very mad too about my partner looking at my phone... if it was a once ocurrence maybe I could get over it and talk about what's really going on (why does he has the need to go through your texts? Has anything happened between you? Or is it a mere insecurity?). No trust = no healthy relationship.
I can see you could get triggered if everytime you two have an issue he jumps into an 'ultimatum' territory.
But you asked about deactivating and coming back! I'm not FA or DA so... I can just tell you what helps me get secure: talk about it, reach a bit os a consensus (will he promise to stop snooping and trust? Can you talk more openly about your relationship with your male friends and talk about the limits you can and are willing to establish between you and your friends?) and focus on repairing connection (after, of course, you give yourself the time and space you need to first repair yourself). I think it's good that you can talk here about it and have a bit of space for yourself, but you know how it goes: repairing the bubble surrounding you two is the way to keep strenghtening the relationship.
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Post by anne12 on Mar 29, 2019 14:38:56 GMT
Sounds like a Lot of things fired together. Do you think your reaction was proportional to what happened in the situation? Is he a good Guy ? Taking care of you sounds nice. Maybe both of you were stressed out ? How do you regulate your nerveussystem ? Have you worked with boundaries/anger - vokal and with your Body (se)? IT is not recomended to end a relationship when you are in a fight, fight or freeze state. So you do not like when things are not clear ? Does he know that ? He has a passive agressive anger pattern ? What is your anger pattern ? Is IT possible that he can feel the same way with your friends and the texting thing, but he dosent know how to say This to you ? Being jealuos can be a shamefull feeling IT is easy to make other people the enemy when we are in fight, flight, freeze Fear (and shame) trumfs love. Are you in a shot down state now ? Freeze/Dorsol vagal state ?
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Post by tnr9 on Mar 29, 2019 15:01:41 GMT
Honestly...I think you need to talk to him about this....I am probably on a extreme side of AP when triggered. I have a history of distrust along with fear of being left for someone else(started with my parent’s divorce, my dad cheated on my mom and left her for that woman...so what I took away from that is to be aware of everything so as to not be caught off guard and that love isn’t necessarily permenent and can be taken away by someone else). And I have had trust broken by several men unfortunately, so I am a bit trigger sensitive with sites and such. In all fairness...it may have been the culmination of a bunch of fears that were expressed ultimately through the situation. Most of us when we feel fear, don’t react/respond out of a mature/rational/adult place. If you can find your way back to center...I think there is an opportunity to ask some open, caring and respectful questions that will fill in the gaps and allow you to know for certain what was going on. I remember a time when I accidentally saw some kissing emojis and I journaled about it but never asked any questions that would have helped me to navigate my fears. Instead, I simply stewed on my own interpretation.
BTW...I think it is so amazing how aware you are and that you are taking a pause so to speak.
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Post by happyidiot on Mar 29, 2019 17:47:57 GMT
As an aside....any chance your feeling and thinking caused you to have a panic attack? I have had panic and anxiety attacks over the years sometimes with no clear trigger. When that happens physically you feel like you are under seige... the world around you can feel very dark and threatening. Yes. For example I distinctly remember at the time of the argument my mouth instantly going so dry I could hardly talk. In fact, it seems possible that I actually had numerous long-lasting panic attacks over the course of a few days and they kind of blended together in my mind and I never got to go back to feeling fully fine/normal in between them. I know panic attacks are typically quick, but I just looked it up and read that they can last for up to an hour and on rare occasions, up to a day?! I think its possible that I was having panic attacks while sick long before the argument with my boyfriend even happened, and then that really sent me over the edge because he no longer felt like a safe comforting person. I was having the following symptoms out of this list that I found. Physical: - chest pain Yes- racing heart Not sure, I don't think so though- feeling dizzy Yes- numbness and tingling in the hands and feet A bit- labored breathing, feeling short of breath, and hyperventilation Not sure/can't remember- sweating No- feeling "hyper" and filled with energy No- stomach upset Yes- feeling pressure to urinate or empty your bowels Yes- weakness in major muscles, especially the legs Yes- dry mouth Yes- hot and cold flashes SometimesThoughts: - I'm dying Yes- I'm going crazy Yes- I'm about to faint or lose control Yes- I'm about to make a fool of myself Yes- I have to escape from here Yes- I have to pretend that nothing is wrong Yes- Stop thinking about this Yes
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Post by happyidiot on Mar 29, 2019 18:26:31 GMT
why does he has the need to go through your texts? Has anything happened between you? Or is it a mere insecurity?). No trust = no healthy relationship. I don't feel like I've done anything to warrant this. Half of my friends are men. I believe this is a non-specific trigger and that if it wasn't this is would be something else, but one of them, someone I have been friends with for years and have never dated nor had any kind of sex/romance with, we are not attracted to each other or flirtatious (and he has a serious girlfriend), came over to my apartment alone once or twice when my boyfriend and I were first dating (even now we have only been together a few months). I have had this friend over or gone to his place alone a hundred times. I simply didn't think anything of it, I was just doing what I always did, but see how this could be triggering and haven't done it since I became aware it made my bf uncomfortable. This friend also texts a lot too, we used to text each other every day. I have almost completely stopped texting with him since realizing it upset my bf. These and other modifications to my behavior have not helped. He always claims he trusts me and does not think I would cheat on him. I don't think I handle any hint of jealousy/possessiveness well because the only time I've ever had a boyfriend act this way was many many years ago and it was a very unhealthy relationship.
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Post by sissyk on Mar 29, 2019 18:30:31 GMT
As an aside....any chance your feeling and thinking caused you to have a panic attack? I have had panic and anxiety attacks over the years sometimes with no clear trigger. When that happens physically you feel like you are under seige... the world around you can feel very dark and threatening. Yes. For example I distinctly remember at the time of the argument my mouth instantly going so dry I could hardly talk. In fact, it seems possible that I actually had numerous long-lasting panic attacks over the course of a few days and they kind of blended together in my mind and I never got to go back to feeling fully fine/normal in between them. I know panic attacks are typically quick, but I just looked it up and read that they can last for up to an hour and on rare occasions, up to a day?! I think its possible that I was having panic attacks while sick long before the argument with my boyfriend even happened, and then that really sent me over the edge because he no longer felt like a safe comforting person. I was having the following symptoms out of this list that I found. Physical: - chest pain Yes- racing heart Not sure, I don't think so though- feeling dizzy Yes- numbness and tingling in the hands and feet A bit- labored breathing, feeling short of breath, and hyperventilation Not sure/can't remember- sweating No- feeling "hyper" and filled with energy No- stomach upset Yes- feeling pressure to urinate or empty your bowels Yes- weakness in major muscles, especially the legs Yes- dry mouth Yes- hot and cold flashes SometimesThoughts: - I'm dying Yes- I'm going crazy Yes- I'm about to faint or lose control Yes- I'm about to make a fool of myself Yes- I have to escape from here Yes- I have to pretend that nothing is wrong Yes- Stop thinking about this YesYes..i tend to get anxiety attacks that last hours. When you feel panic your mind senses danger and you look around for environmental explanations.
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Post by happyidiot on Mar 29, 2019 18:42:05 GMT
Yes..i tend to get anxiety attacks that last hours. When you feel panic your mind senses danger and you look around for environmental explanations. I just learned that a panic attack and an anxiety attack are two different things, the terms are not actually interchangeable. Do you know which you mean? I am very used to feeling anxious. This was weird and unlike anything I ever recall experiencing. I never want to feel that way again. I wanted to die. I worried I needed to go to a mental hospital. I'm thinking of ways to prevent it, for example that I can't spend so much time with one person again (when I say 24 hours a day I'm not exaggerating) and that I especially need time alone when I'm sick or injured. Do you know what triggers your attacks?
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Post by alexandra on Mar 29, 2019 19:12:26 GMT
Chest pain is usually a symptom of a panic attack, I'm pretty sure? From what you've described, it sounds very plausible that's what happened. Sometimes people experience such severe pain they go to the hospital because they honestly think they may be having a heart attack. www.healthline.com/health/panic-attack-vs-anxiety-attack#symptomsEither way, it's an indication you don't feel safe in the situation that resulted in the episode and need to assess which needs aren't being acknowledged. Personally, when I've had attacks like that, it's been from a complete inability to effectively communicate with one or more other people, whether it's their fault, my fault, or both, and a subsequent feeling my needs were being completely diminished and ignored.
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Post by sissyk on Mar 29, 2019 19:18:00 GMT
I used to get panic attacks when I was in my early 20s--I would feel like I was going crazy, I may be dying, my vision would get weird, I thought I would faint. I have had experiences of feeling unreal with them. They were short lived (maybe a few minutes) but then I would feel shaky afterwards and would be worried about the next one.
In recent years, I don't really get panic attacks--I get longer anxiety attacks. I might wake up with a pounding heart and a feeling of doom. I will feel anxious and like there are a lot of things large and small to worry about. When the physical sensation passes--maybe a day later--the same issues I was fretting about (eg career issues, money, relationship issues) seem much more manageable. I feel much more balanced and optimistic without the elevated adrenaline--escape the tiger!--surges.
I'm thinking anxiety exists on a spectrum and panic and anxiety probably bleed into each other in symptoms.
Mine don't have clear triggers--I think there is a hormonal component for sure as I started getting them as a teen, had postpartum anxiety, and had lots of anxiety when my hormones were out of whack at the start of perimenopause.
I think trying to avoid triggers is not the way to go. That is how people end up agoraphobic. Instead, I have learned to cope by doing everything I need to do and want to do anxious or not and not letting it limit me. It takes up a smaller part of your life. And knowing what panic is and that while it feels terrible it is not a sign of something really wrong also helped me manage much better as well.
I was on SSRIs which can be helpful. I feel generally too good now to want to be on something every day. I do have Xanax for the occasional really bad day.
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Post by happyidiot on Mar 29, 2019 19:24:37 GMT
Sounds like a Lot of things fired together. Yes.Do you think your reaction was proportional to what happened in the situation? No.Is he a good Guy ? Taking care of you sounds nice. Yes, I think he is a good guy and my friends think so, but we also haven't been together very long.Maybe both of you were stressed out ? Yes.How do you regulate your nerveussystem ? I don't know. I tried baths and walks (when I was able) and naps, nothing seemed to help much.Have you worked with boundaries/anger - vokal and with your Body (se)? I don't think so. I barely ever even feel anger in myself and I don't know how to handle receiving anger. Can you explain more?IT is not recomended to end a relationship when you are in a fight, fight or freeze state. True, I think too often FAs do that. So you do not like when things are not clear ? Does he know that ? I've told him. He justifies his indirectness. I need to talk to him more about it at a time when we are both calm and happy. And maybe to stop rewarding it when he acts passive aggressive?He has a passive agressive anger pattern ? Yes.
What is your anger pattern ? I guess it is passive and suppressed to the point where I almost never feel angry and very occasionally I will snap, and even then it is usually only in response to someone else acting angry towards me.Is IT possible that he can feel the same way with your friends and the texting thing, but he dosent know how to say This to you ? Feel what way?Being jealuos can be a shamefull feeling IT is easy to make other people the enemy when we are in fight, flight, freeze Fear (and shame) trumfs love. Are you in a shot down state now ? Freeze/Dorsol vagal state ? I'm starting to feel quite a lot better and more normal finally.
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Post by happyidiot on Mar 29, 2019 20:08:30 GMT
Honestly...I think you need to talk to him about this....I am probably on a extreme side of AP when triggered. I have a history of distrust along with fear of being left for someone else(started with my parent’s divorce, my dad cheated on my mom and left her for that woman...so what I took away from that is to be aware of everything so as to not be caught off guard and that love isn’t necessarily permenent and can be taken away by someone else). And I have had trust broken by several men unfortunately, so I am a bit trigger sensitive with sites and such. In all fairness...it may have been the culmination of a bunch of fears that were expressed ultimately through the situation. Most of us when we feel fear, don’t react/respond out of a mature/rational/adult place. If you can find your way back to center...I think there is an opportunity to ask some open, caring and respectful questions that will fill in the gaps and allow you to know for certain what was going on. I remember a time when I accidentally saw some kissing emojis and I journaled about it but never asked any questions that would have helped me to navigate my fears. Instead, I simply stewed on my own interpretation. BTW...I think it is so amazing how aware you are and that you are taking a pause so to speak. Do you think that if you asked questions that your fears would actually be diminished? Would you believe the answers? Would you feel reassured? I have the tendency to not say anything to the person if I am feeling irrational anxious jealousy. Personally I have tended to only feel irrational jealousy or distrust when someone is being avoidant and pulling away and my brain is looking for an explanation. And it's usually been with people where we didn't actually have a solid commitment, our status was unclear. And, well, I'm not even sure if I should even really call it "irrational" jealousy, as those guys usually did turn out to be lying about other women (one had an active Tinder profile and left me for someone new, one had another girlfriend he was lying about, one was in love with someone else, etc). I have never felt any jealousy worries towards my current boyfriend. But in the past when it has happened with previous people I've been dating I have tried to get to the bottom of it without questioning them, through looking at their social media for clues (not that that's healthy!) and taking to my best friends. I felt a lot of jealousy with one particular ex, but I wouldn't call it irrational because he was actually cheating repeatedly, so it makes sense I would worry about his interactions with other women. Typing this is actually helping me feel more compassion towards my boyfriend, because I do know what it's like to feel jealous worries. His jealousy is just triggered much more easily than mine and he is less good at recognizing when it's not rational and less good at hiding it. I'm not really bothered when his jealousy manifests in ways that I can relate to, like him pouring over my public social media, but I feel attacked when it manifests in ways I cannot relate to, like criticizing my friends or looking at my phone. I think what really bugs me is when I feel like he is making the jealousy my problem rather than his.
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Post by happyidiot on Mar 29, 2019 20:23:34 GMT
Chest pain is usually a symptom of a panic attack, I'm pretty sure? From what you've described, it sounds very plausible that's what happened. Sometimes people experience such severe pain they go to the hospital because they honestly think they may be having a heart attack. www.healthline.com/health/panic-attack-vs-anxiety-attack#symptomsEither way, it's an indication you don't feel safe in the situation that resulted in the episode and need to assess which needs aren't being acknowledged. Personally, when I've had attacks like that, it's been from a complete inability to effectively communicate with one or more other people, whether it's their fault, my fault, or both, and a subsequent feeling my needs were being completely diminished and ignored. I can get chest pain and tightness from anxiety in general, doesn't have to be a panic attack. But yes, I think I probably did have a series of panic attacks. I think I have been bad at identifying and communicating my needs. Hard to communicate your needs or get someone to pay attention to them when you yourself don't know what you need. I don't feel safe when I'm ill and I don't feel safe feeling completely dependent on someone (I actually felt like I could not take care of myself or be left alone). I was having issues before the argument. Actually I had or almost had a "small" panic attack a couple months ago too, and can relate to your explanation for when it's happened to you.
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Post by happyidiot on Mar 29, 2019 20:45:41 GMT
I used to get panic attacks when I was in my early 20s--I would feel like I was going crazy, I may be dying, my vision would get weird, I thought I would faint. I have had experiences of feeling unreal with them. They were short lived (maybe a few minutes) but then I would feel shaky afterwards and would be worried about the next one. In recent years, I don't really get panic attacks--I get longer anxiety attacks. I might wake up with a pounding heart and a feeling of doom. I will feel anxious and like there are a lot of things large and small to worry about. When the physical sensation passes--maybe a day later--the same issues I was fretting about (eg career issues, money, relationship issues) seem much more manageable. I feel much more balanced and optimistic without the elevated adrenaline--escape the tiger!--surges. I'm thinking anxiety exists on a spectrum and panic and anxiety probably bleed into each other in symptoms. Mine don't have clear triggers--I think there is a hormonal component for sure as I started getting them as a teen, had postpartum anxiety, and had lots of anxiety when my hormones were out of whack at the start of perimenopause. I think trying to avoid triggers is not the way to go. That is how people end up agoraphobic. Instead, I have learned to cope by doing everything I need to do and want to do anxious or not and not letting it limit me. It takes up a smaller part of your life. And knowing what panic is and that while it feels terrible it is not a sign of something really wrong also helped me manage much better as well. I was on SSRIs which can be helpful. I feel generally too good now to want to be on something every day. I do have Xanax for the occasional really bad day. Your description of both a panic attack and an anxiety attack I can absolutely relate to and have experienced both of those lots, especially the latter (anxiety episodes with a physical feeling of dread and worrying about my job, money, relationships, etc). I feel fairly "comfortable," for lack of a better word, with the latter, even though it's unpleasant and upsetting, I guess because it's so familiar. And the former, a panic attack that lasts a few minutes, those I can handle better simply because they are mercifully short-lived and infrequent (plus in the past I can usually determine the cause, like running into an ex, or a friend dying, or a bad reaction to a medication). This was.. something else... something very long-lasting and terrible and physically painful. It's so hard to explain. I'm not sure I'm talking so much about avoiding triggers, but maybe determining and respecting my own needs. Like maybe having some time to myself and not spending 24/7 with someone is a legitimate need. I don't think it's unhealthy to avoid something like that, whereas it is unhealthy to avoid going outside just because it makes you anxious.
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Post by anne12 on Mar 29, 2019 21:44:26 GMT
Dry mouth - you can try to chew some chewinggum so that you can produce saliva. Saliva triggers the brain to think that everything is okay. Acording to a SE/trauma/attatchment/stressexpert therapist, anxiety is when the speeder and the brake is pressed down at the same time. Your Body is prepared to fight or flight against the threat but at the same time you are keeping these reactions in check. IT gives stifness in your Body and in your brain. You hold your breath and you are not able to think. You can Try to breath All the way down in your stomac. Sit on a chair and feel your seatknots, legs and feet, wickel your toes. This takes the energy and Focus downwards and away from the state of panic. (You can Practise the watertankexercise everyday) You can Try to Say to yourself: "it is okay. I Will survive. This is not lifethreatening." Sometimes IT can also help you to ground, if you let a person put their foot on top of your foot. Get the Focus back to you in the precent moment. Orient yourself in the room. You can also look around and maybe keep a Stone in your pocket you can touch. You can also try to squezee your arms and legs, knees, rub your hands against eachother ect. you can look in the selfregulation thread, the healing disorganised thread, the anger thread and see if you can use some of the inspiration ect. If you have a passive angerpattern your anger often feels like: sadness, dissapointment, a heavy feeling in your Body, you can feel depressed, you can become silent ect. Anger can be shamefull and can be hidden in the shadow. Practise saying NO with different tone of voice by yourself can be good. If you are not totally shut down i freeze/dorsal vagel respons, you can try to Say NO many times. You can Also sit in a chair and ground yourself and then push your arms and hands out infront of you in slowmotion like setting a boundarie. Do IT more times. You can also push your arms and hands to each side. And also turn around and push your hands infront of you checking your backside of your body. You can also do IT with your legs in slowmotion motion one leg at a time. Do IT more than once, a see if your energy shifts, your breathing, your bodysensations shifts. The leg thing is the movement babys develop in the woumb so that they can press themselves out of the birthcanal. Practise asking for what you want and for what you do not like/want. You always have the right to speak Up in a mindfull way. jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1468/anger-integrety-boundaries-ectjebkinnisonforum.com/thread/984/lifeenergy-back-anger-exercises-meditationsjebkinnisonforum.com/thread/880/self-regulating-regulation-exercisesjebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1268/jealousy-relationshipsjebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1073/healing-disorganized-trauma-dramaqueen-kingAgain IT seems there is a Lot going on in your life at the same time. As you wrote, staying with anither person All the time and Recieving nurichment can also be a trigger and can make you feel voulnarble. I wish you a Better health Soon ect.
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