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Post by happyidiot on Jun 7, 2019 6:42:09 GMT
happyidiot , I think this is the difference between compromising your core values and identity versus compromising something that's more like, would prefer or want vs. actually need. Dealbreaker issues versus general ideal preferences. I've had those thoughts about pets before, but I don't think cats actually stop people who want to travel from traveling. It might make it more expensive if you don't know someone to catsit, but it's logistically doable with some preparation. Heck, you can make the same argument about getting a finicky plant. I went on vacation and my plant died. I was sad but it was not like killing a cat. I have had cats. I don't want another pet. Do you actually know your deal breakers are? You need to figure this out when your not in a state of anxiety/fears. You need bottom line deal breakers that you don't compromise on and then there are some things that may become a deal breakers with a particular person. How do I separate dealbreakers from preferences? I don't know how.
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Post by mrob on Jun 7, 2019 15:13:58 GMT
That’s something I’ve had real trouble with, too.
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Post by alexandra on Jun 7, 2019 15:35:45 GMT
I have had cats. I don't want another pet. Right, and that's totally fine to know you don't want cats. But taking a jump from he wants a pet to mean he doesn't value travel is an assumption and worth an honest and direct conversation, with two completely different topics: "I don't want a cat. I've had them before, and it was a fulfilling experience at the time, but not one I want to have again." "How much traveling do you envision there being in your life? I love to travel and intend to keep doing it when I can over the next several years." Then you're discussing compatibility and goals. In regards to dealbreakers versus preferences. Re-reading this thread, I think it relates to ability to really see and accept your partner as an independent person while you are also able to retain confidence in your own boundaries. Is it something your partner does, and either enjoys doing or does for a specific reason that makes sense, that does not interfere with your life goals? While it is not a dealbreaker for me, and would probably not matter if I'm able to have children anyway since they get up early, I do better with night owl guys than early morning ones. This has to do with how light of a sleeper I am, and times of the day I physically feel better and more active (which is basically all times starting a few hours after I wake up). I feel physically better and more comfortable in the quality of our time spent together if this matches up. So I have solid reasons for wanting it. However, in the scheme of life, while annoying sometimes to have a slightly opposing schedule by a couple hours -- this is a really nice to have but not a must have. If the guy is a great person and great fit, then making a compromise to have to wake up a couple hours earlier, especially in a society geared more towards mornings anyway, is not the end of the world for me. It is something I feel comfortable consciously compromising a bit on. But for me a DEALBREAKER would be, doesn't ever want kids, or smokes regularly without intending to quit (all I can think of is bad health eventually and second hand smoke risk and conflicting life values around what we consider to be healthy lifestyles).
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Post by anne12 on Jun 7, 2019 16:01:22 GMT
Dealbreakers: Things That you or the other person will not or can not compromise on, as theese things sooner or later will end the relationship.
Examble:. Kids/No kids/more kids Living in the city or out in the country/in the nature Flirting/ sex with other people Addiction - Alcohol, food, workaholic, drugs Lies/cheating Econemy (spender/saver) Getting Needs met Such as physical contact, sex, closeness, emotionel intimacy, ect Family time Selfharm - how to take care of the Body ex. Stress, working out, alcohol ect. Hygiejne ect.
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Post by 8675309 on Jun 8, 2019 1:14:12 GMT
Things like anne12 said but I'll add emotionally available which falls under getting needs met but still saying it. Compromising too! Also conflict resolution. If they stonewall me, etc we wont work. We need to be able to talk like adults and lay all cards on the table and be fully open. Also values. Ex: My ex valued money and I valued happiness. He thought money bought happiness when it doesn't. Our values clashed on that end and money was a huge part of our demise. I was not good enough so to speak because I didn't make X amount. He pressured me to quit a job I love to take a job I hated just because it was more money. He didn't understand I was ok making less money doing what I loved instead of something that sucked my soul. It would have been a thing if I was broke, in debt, etc but I was not.
Its like he didn't believe in me or wanted to be open to my side.
Or another he was more OCD on cleaning and I accepted that part of him and didn't try to change him, I compromised knowing it was part of him but he could not compromise for me because I was not like him. Im tidy but not OCD clean. These issues above were never an issue with anyone else so it was a per person thing. One of those things you learn that goes on the list of what I need/looking for.
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Post by epicgum on Jun 8, 2019 13:21:16 GMT
I think it can be helpful to remind yourself that no one can control you without your consent and if you wake up 2 years from now and you can't stand the cat or the phone decorations....you can leave literally at any point. I've been trying to think about this every day, that I don't have to let people control me. I have been controlled from birth, so it's a constant battle not to let them. Well, keep in mind that if you are an adult with a job, then no one can ::really:: control you. I think for me it is helpful to remember that a lot of the "controlling" is an illusion being projecting from childhood rather than a reflection of the material reality in the present. Obviously your subjective emotional reality is important too, but it may also be helpful to challenge that narrative.
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Post by epicgum on Jun 9, 2019 2:15:20 GMT
Dealbreakers: Things That you or the other person will not or can not compromise on, as theese things sooner or later will end the relationship. Eks. Kids/No kids/more kids Living in the city or out in the country/in the nature Flirting/ sex with other people Addiction - Alcohol, food, workaholic, drugs Lies/cheating Econemy (spender/saver) Getting Needs met Such as physical contact, sex, closeness intimacy, ect Family time Selfharm how to take care of the Body ex. Stress, working out, alcohol ect. Hygiejne To be honest, I read "the 7 principles of making marriage work" and the conclusion is that almost none of those items are relationship enders in and of themselves, it's how they are handled. It even has a vignette from a happily married older childless couple where one person wanted kids and the other didn't, which I was pretty surprised by. Just another perspective.
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Post by anne12 on Jun 9, 2019 2:54:21 GMT
epicgum The listed examples are suggestions, You can think about before You date and when You know your dealbreakers You can find out about how the other person relates to.your dealbreakers. IT is recommended That you do This within the First 3-5 dates. Dealbreakers are individual. "Things That you or the other person will not or can not compromise on, as theese things sooner or later will end the relationship" If a Woman knows she wants Children and she is over 30 /35 years old and her clock is ticking, maybe she shouldent date a Guy, who dosent want kids or dosent want more kids or wants to Or if a Guy want kids, But he is dating a Woman who dosent want more kids. Or if the person has been unfaithfull in All his/hers relationships, and Thinking IT is not a big deal, and You do, maybe You shouldent keep on dating This person. Or if the person always wants to drink alcohol when You are together and You do not want to Be with an alcoholic maybe You should be aware of this.as This behavior could Be a hint. Or You like a Lot of sex and You like to experiment a Lot and maybe You like to go to swingerklub s and the other person is more traditional and cant Imagine Such things, maybe You are not a match. Many Ap's likes to keep their partner for a Long time, and therefore IT could Be important for Them, That their partner is taking care of his / hers own health You know your lovelanguage is physical contact, and the other person dosent like physical contact. Or You need to have a Lot of freedom and the other person wants to spend more time together maybe, You are not a match (Theese suggestions are from an attatchment/couples/lovetherapist. She also knows about Gotmann) Comprimising on things That are important to you can drain your lifeenergy.
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Post by anne12 on Jun 9, 2019 6:24:05 GMT
Tradeoffs/comprimising: A study shows that if one compromises in the relationship and the one does it out of love with pleasure / to please the other, it is good to compromise and it benefits both your self and the relationship. If you compromise out of fear of how the other responds or out of fear not to be loved, this compromise can be unhealthy and it can drain your life energy. It drains both the life energy of the relationship and your own life energy. You lose yourself more and more every time you compromise out of fear. You lose interest in yourself.
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Post by happyidiot on Jun 10, 2019 5:52:56 GMT
alexandra anne12 8675309 Thanks for all your replies. What I meant was not what are some examples of common deal breakers, but how do I go about determining what is really a deal breaker for me personally, versus what is just something I'd like? Tradeoffs/comprimising: A study shows that if one compromises in the relationship and the one does it out of love with pleasure / to please the other, it is good to compromise and it benefits both your self and the relationship. If you compromise out of fear of how the other responds or out of fear not to be loved, this compromise can be unhealthy and it can drain your life energy. It drains both the life energy of the relationship and your own life energy. You lose yourself more and more every time you compromise out of fear. You lose interest in yourself. This really hit home for me. I start feeling drained and resentful if I feel like I am making compromises for fear that I will be broken up with if I don't, when I feel like he isn't willing to meet me in the middle, and especially when I feel he shows zero appreciation for the sacrifices I am making. Maybe this is really the problem, more than any specific possible deal breaker? I'm also worried about the future, that if we want different things it will be a huge problem and that he might not be willing to compromise.
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Post by happyidiot on Jun 10, 2019 5:59:05 GMT
I've been trying to think about this every day, that I don't have to let people control me. I have been controlled from birth, so it's a constant battle not to let them. Well, keep in mind that if you are an adult with a job, then no one can ::really:: control you. I think for me it is helpful to remember that a lot of the "controlling" is an illusion being projecting from childhood rather than a reflection of the material reality in the present. Obviously your subjective emotional reality is important too, but it may also be helpful to challenge that narrative. Hmm, what about if I go into business with someone and my income is dependent on them? What if I become a stay at home mom or he's otherwise financially supporting me for some reason? Maybe I just need to never do those kinds of things and keep a savings so that I will always know that at least financially I can easily leave any time I want? Dealbreakers: Things That you or the other person will not or can not compromise on, as theese things sooner or later will end the relationship. Eks. Kids/No kids/more kids Living in the city or out in the country/in the nature Flirting/ sex with other people Addiction - Alcohol, food, workaholic, drugs Lies/cheating Econemy (spender/saver) Getting Needs met Such as physical contact, sex, closeness intimacy, ect Family time Selfharm how to take care of the Body ex. Stress, working out, alcohol ect. Hygiejne To be honest, I read "the 7 principles of making marriage work" and the conclusion is that almost none of those items are relationship enders in and of themselves, it's how they are handled. It even has a vignette from a happily married older childless couple where one person wanted kids and the other didn't, which I was pretty surprised by. Just another perspective. That totally makes sense.
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Post by 8675309 on Jun 10, 2019 11:38:42 GMT
My hard and fast bottom line. -Emotionally available -Communicates likes an adult -Has his life in order -Willing to compromise
-Does not drink heavy/drugs. I dont care about herb but dont do other drugs
-Values- Like my example above. I cant be with someone that values money/things and not happiness. -Does not want kids/anymore kids- Im not having any
This has become part of the list but was not a hard and fast at first. One not looking to rush into marriage/cohabitate. At my age this is a thing for some, they are looking to move faster in these areas and I am not.
Frankly, after diving into the Red Pill content community Im surprised anyone gets married anymore! LOL
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Post by mrob on Jun 10, 2019 13:24:00 GMT
That stuff works both ways. I’ve never really understood in our day and age, the benefits of marriage for women. Why would you bother except for children, to give them a financial leg up.
This, coming from someone who has been married twice!
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Post by alexandra on Jun 10, 2019 15:22:23 GMT
alexandra anne12 8675309 Thanks for all your replies. What I meant was not what are some examples of common deal breakers, but how do I go about determining what is really a deal breaker for me personally, versus what is just something I'd like? This really hit home for me. I start feeling drained and resentful if I feel like I am making compromises for fear that I will be broken up with if I don't, when I feel like he isn't willing to meet me in the middle, and especially when I feel he shows zero appreciation for the sacrifices I am making. Maybe this is really the problem, more than any specific possible deal breaker? I'm also worried about the future, that if we want different things it will be a huge problem and that he might not be willing to compromise. I did try to answer that: "Is it something your partner does, and either enjoys doing or does for a specific reason that makes sense, that does not interfere with your life goals?" If it's interfering with your life goals, and there's no ability to compromise about it (like, having kids or not is a binary yes/no decision), that's a dealbreaker and not a preference. However, I think you also found your answer in your own reply. And it also incorporates what anne said. If you're compromising out of fear AND don't trust (or haven't experienced) your partner's ability to compromise, there's a couple of problems. One, you may be responding to your fear by compromising while he's also afraid but responding to it some other way. Which, isn't a healthy relationship on either end (you're ignoring your needs out of fear and not valuing yourself enough while he's unable to value you enough because fear drives him to not prioritize you). Two, this reflects on poor conflict resolution skills between the two of you (I'm not attempting to place blame, just stating objectively that there's a gap neither of you has figured out how to overcome together), which makes a relationship really difficult. If he digs in his heels or threatens a breakup when you two fight or try to resolve conflict, and those are his only two conflict resolution go-to methods, and you're trying to move closer to him without abandoning yourself but he's not meeting you partway there, that is a recipe for imbalance and resentment. But it is something he can learn and you can both learn together in terms of relating better to each other if he's willing to do that work.
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Post by alexandra on Jun 10, 2019 15:32:59 GMT
For what it's worth, that inability to compromise effectively dynamic sounds like one I've been through being AP dating FA men who specifically were on the selfish side of the spectrum. I was willing to budge while they never really put me first, so there was no mutual caring and tradeoff behaviors. Or if there were, they would clearly indicate how put out they were by being imposed upon (so the compromise wasn't out of giving and care and they were clearly resentful). They weren't doing it maliciously, but it usually stemmed from them having deep control issues and it being a defense mechanism to "protect" themselves by never putting their partners first because it made them too vulnerable. Investing in your partner (which can be as simple as doing something for them) gives you more to "lose" if you fear abandonment.
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