Post by stuckinamoment on Jul 2, 2019 19:35:13 GMT
today i once again feel sad again and missing him and i hate it. i've had issues n my life pop up that he was supportive of when he was faking who he really is...and i just wish we could have just been casual friends because this sux. it's tough making friends around here where i live and it hurts i thought he was real.
he didn't reply to the text....why would he really ...all he sees me as is a reminder of pain of gettimgbto close i'm just a complication .
im mad he couldn't have been normal because i was really happy to have a friend
i'm surprised by how i'm feeling as i thought i was way past crying over this
i watched a youtube on dismissive avoidants and phantom x and the comments from all the DA people
i have to pull myself back out of this and see that he never was capable of a real connection and i was just nothing to him.
if my helath wasnt bad again i would just pack and move like i wanted to before he convinced me not to.
Post by stuckinamoment on Jul 3, 2019 13:37:21 GMT
yesterday was really rough for me...i felt like i was abandoned all over again...so i sat with it and felt all of it doe ehatnit was ....i'm also dealing with my mom abandoning me it all revolves around the move out of state that she backed out on and left me to handle while she went with her abusive bf.... that's when the x swooped in and convinced me to stay here so we could get to know each other.
im starting to feel he has narcissistic traits to him...i mean i know he has two losses but to not even reply thanking me for expressing my condolences just is odd to me... there were other signs i ignored way back like him offering me money to get out of a lease and kinds bragging that his one parent the one that now passed is a millionaire. of course he's made it so i can't be mad by his text that he's busy with work although it's summer and he told me work was done
a friend of mine got some bad news yesterday and i just went numb i didn't even know how to respond ...i feel like i'm close to just totally being emotionless again. i want to connect and be happy but connecting with people seems impossible that being said two of the guys from the place i went with my x reached out last nite...one called and i ignored it... i'm friendly with both ...but i just feel like why even bother
i'm just struggling after i felt like i was in a good place..... i have no clue why he even reached out replying to a text when he's ignored one prior ... reach out to only go back ignoring all over again.
Post by stuckinamoment on Jul 5, 2019 23:18:42 GMT
i figured i will post this here instead of starting a new thread as this has become my log of sorts.
so yesterday i was very hopeful about a situation i'm trying to focus on at my therapist suggestion to focus on what i can control. so thru the pride event i attended i was given this awesome facebook group where neighbors help neighbors so i got the idea to post for help with the housing issue that has plagued me for years now ... my mom abandoned me back in december .decided she wasn't mivmg out of state and she basically chose her bf...of course her side of it blames me for it all... it's why my x was s important to me as he was very supportive and his support really helped when i was left abandoned im not sure to this day he really knows that as i'm not good with expressing positive feelings i know this comes from how my parents treated me and it's up to me to change that and i'm working on it,
anyway so she still has her stuff at a place i own and yesterday i posted for help...well i guess my dad who i assume told her and as he does twisted things ... i thought he would have been happy so today he flipped out on me and then soon after he left my mom sends abusive texts with threats
the old me would have reacted and blown up, but this new me knows that's part of my attachment woundand there is just no need. so i calmly expressed myself to my father , but could not find words to text my mother ... i felt i huge sense of being overwhelmed , attacked and abandoned all over again . pin the midst of the chaos the two guys from where i met my x were trying to contact me and we'll i just couldn't answer .....and i got to thinking maybe this is what my x goes thru sometimes and why maybe he just can't reply
if there is one thing my x taught me it was to not reply right away... i used to think i always had to reply immediately and that is just not the case. i don't need to react at all or get triggered into replying. im still missing my x tonite , but he's dealing with too much to reach out and i'm dealing with to much to even go out socially i don't want to escape i just need to deal with all this.
its my family dynamics and why i'm stretched so thin always expecting the worst in people. yesterday was a huge step and my parents crushed it today so i will just take some more time and regroup it's tough when the attachment theory is played out almost daily
Post by stuckinamoment on Jul 8, 2019 15:41:33 GMT
what i am learning is to just run far and wide from anyone once they change it's not normal my friends and xs except the npd did not change in an hour time that's a flag i will also avoid any DA the hurt is not worth it even as try to earn secure it's just not worth dealing with why have someine in your life that goes into hiding when life gets tough... as i was told the other day by someine you've had such bad luck with emotionally damaged men that hid it well. while that is true i'm working on myself so these types don't find me attractive ... my x wouldn't have found me attractive if i wasn't keeping him at a distance at first.... i'm going to proabnaly take a break from this board as i'm finding it not supportive and triggering and it's not helping me to keep rehashing the past defending my stance .... when my da life has drastically changed
people in my real life are empathetic that my x is not healthy and are trying to help me thru it i've never had someine like this is my life that hid it all so well and people say others out their best face fwd i'm open about who i am from the start as are others i interact with
Post by stuckinamoment on Jul 26, 2019 5:19:06 GMT
just an update of sorts ..nothing directly about my x as i've been busy just working on myself ....but the other nite I decided to log into a social media site i haven't been on in a year ....imkeft dor many reasons that are not real relevant, there was a guy i was friendly with on there and really enjoyed our talks. for three years we would talk daily ... they were known to get anxious and delete accounts and i just let them do their thing and they would come back it never ever bothered me. thru the years they deleted snap, twitter , live streaming and the most recent two years ago the only email i had for them. the deletions never had anything to do with me and never bothered me.
well fast forward to the other day i logged on and can't find them anywhere so i msg two people that i knew they last talked to and they also lost contact. they of course see nothing strange that he hasn't been around all year ...it's not his normal pattern ....and of course now i'm wishing i kept in better touch when i had to take a break because i was dealing with a breakup from an abusive x two years back.... this friend kept reaching out on messenger and i was not in a place to always reply ... i did reply to emails last we talked was on the site last year ...because they deleted all msgs they send me are gone too and they never changed names again
it's interesting that now it feels like i'm triggered because i can't find him ...like reality is he's probably gone for good
but what i din it is ...is i know more now about attachment ...i'm more aware and i also have less people i talk to now than in the past so i'm not as distracted ..i also really have missed them but it's like i didn't realize it until all the memories came back, the old msgs etc and the fact they aren't on the site and no one has their contact info. so now it's all to real .
i still of course could be feeling triggered by my x and thus more aware.... for years i was ok with the deleted accounts, name changes etc because they always cycled ...i remember one other member was immediately concerned they would never find him again ..... but i never had that concern i was so not aware back then
anyway as i sat with this tonite i realized i was avoidant two years ago when i pushed him away and he just didn't understand stil that's not why he deleted and ran off and that isn't an excuse to do so. i do miss him but i could have handled that better too...said ok look unless u keep an email account and stop deleting we can't talk anymore .
it was over the top looking back i think i was a tad too naive i wouldn't tolerate multiple deletions now sure if they need space but not totally delete
they were very attached to me too so for them to just go and not try and reach out in a year is odd one rumor is they have a girlfriend now...who knows all i know is i miss them and it's just yet another lesson to learn this year . i'm not sure if i felt more secure back then and thus allowed such craziness or i'd i didn't see the potential for losing contact this post is all over the place but needed to get it out there because it was an anynonmous forum rarely do we have real names of the people on it another lesson to get a number etc
oddly enough after i found this friend is gone all feelings for my x left me....i'm not sure what i ever saw attractive about my x we didn't have conversations like i had with this friend not even close . overall i feel more healed with my x but finding this friend gone has impacted me a bit ...i'm rather surprised
Post by stuckinamoment on Aug 10, 2019 16:39:22 GMT
i'm just adding this to my thread here about last nite. i'm now realizing i was triggered AP by my x...my protest behavior at the end despite him saying all was ok really is not ok with him.
i'm also seeing that not everything he does is related to attachment theory and there is something he is hiding .... it's clear he has spread lies about me to keep his image of having his life together which is a false image. the image he attracted me with. he's sat there drinking daily as i'm working on myself, volunteering and trying my best to create my own closure. i didn't expect he would be there last nite i'm also seeing that often i'm just too nice to the people there that clearly mock me and make off comments and i will be some more assertive and speak directly when this happens again. i'm done making excuses for him ... his behavior is childish ..i'm done seeing his side and blaming it all on attachment theory when i feel the majority isn't that at all. attachment issues wouldn't cause him to say something to his friend about me and have him laugh as he cashed out and runs off mid sentence .... he can't be seen with me because it's obvious after last nite he's spread lies .... otherwise after all these months he would be friendly when i asked about his losses he said it's just one more thing he has to fit into his schedule taking care of his mom... it was cold and just uncaring
he's a shell of who he once was
i'm not avoiding the place but i no longer will acknowledge him...i will go grey rock ...give him no attention at all. it's the first time we came face to face since april i could have him a pass if his friends weren't acting the way they are towards me.
Post by stuckinamoment on Sept 13, 2019 5:18:10 GMT
i'm doing much better in regards to my x. tonite i went to the place we met at and i met a friend there. it was nice to catch up with my friend and to have someone there ..there was some drama over the food and I was assertive and handled that with the staff.
then myfriend and i are getting ready to leave and i look up and there she comes parading into the place like she owned it. my xs friend that was fired and then hired again ... people were stopping her to say hello etc and then she comes over beside me ... there was a guy sitting talking to my friend and he of course gets up and the xs friend sits right next to me.
i just could not believe it. after she talked behind my back to people i didn't even know there she is next to me.
we decide to stay and listen to the music event. and she eventually switched seats with her date.
the amount of people falling all over her was a tad sickening to me and my friend....but i told him once we know what we now know we can never go back again.
we thought it was all so much drama and over the top non sense . my friend kept sayig he couldn't believe the drama in that place.
i'm sure they texted my x to not show up, but i really don't care...i have nothing to hide and i'm in a mich better place. i've been the better person never bad mouthed him to anyone there and kept my distance . do i wish we could still chat now and then ...yes, but i also see that since he's not working on himself that is not reality.
it feels in many ways it was a year ago.
i have a lot of stress i'm dealing with most is family stress and i'm still working with a therapist . i have issues with the place i'm volunteering too, but i've learned to look out for myself more and put less importance on how other people are feeling or how they may react. being assertive with my family is a huge challenge and that is what i'm working on with my therapist.
i'm thankful i took the time to work on myself and i'm able to handle events like tonite with not much of a blink. they don't matter in my life anymore and their opinion of me doesn't even phase me. I don't even acknowledge his friends ..i have no need anymore . i just act as if i never knew them at all. and that's a good thing