What I learned this last week-wanting to control outcomes
May 31, 2019 17:17:41 GMT
leavethelighton likes this
Post by tnr9 on May 31, 2019 17:17:41 GMT
So this last week has been incredibly insightful...and at times painful.
I have discovered that when I feel a lot of stress or feel in some way shamed or regressed...that I crave a connection with B more. I have also learned that in my way of thinking...if I become friends with any girl that I perceive as a threat...then somehow I will be able to win B back. I even considered running (which in all fairness I am not so keen about) in hopes to gain more likes from him, because he has a lot of female friends that are into running. This morning I had a mini craving/breakdown as I discovered yet another female friend and for a moment i despaired in how many girls I would have to befriend in order to get the outcome I wanted. Please note...I am not in that place right now and I look on that moment with great compassion considering where this perception that love must be earned over and over again or it will be lost came from. I know some people will suggest defriending B and no longer looking at his page...but that is something I know I would break...so best to be honest about it.
I have come to realize that I have been trying to control outcomes my whole life....I have been very manipulative in my dating life because I have had such a poor perspective of myself (that i am so easy to leave and have no value on my own but merely have value for what I offer) that I have taken a “pity me” approach...a “if you are friends with me you won’t want to date my boyfriend or the guy I once dated”. It is fear based...it is untrusting..it is people pleasing.....and when I don’t get the outcome I want....then I tend to get angry at myself...and by proxy...get more “controlling”....it is a vicious circle that I am working to break....first by seeing it and having compassion for myself...and then looking for ways I can change my way of thinking. It will not change overnight...but just being able to speak to it clearly...with compassion and without defensiveness is a huge step for me. Thank you for letting me get this out.
I have discovered that when I feel a lot of stress or feel in some way shamed or regressed...that I crave a connection with B more. I have also learned that in my way of thinking...if I become friends with any girl that I perceive as a threat...then somehow I will be able to win B back. I even considered running (which in all fairness I am not so keen about) in hopes to gain more likes from him, because he has a lot of female friends that are into running. This morning I had a mini craving/breakdown as I discovered yet another female friend and for a moment i despaired in how many girls I would have to befriend in order to get the outcome I wanted. Please note...I am not in that place right now and I look on that moment with great compassion considering where this perception that love must be earned over and over again or it will be lost came from. I know some people will suggest defriending B and no longer looking at his page...but that is something I know I would break...so best to be honest about it.
I have come to realize that I have been trying to control outcomes my whole life....I have been very manipulative in my dating life because I have had such a poor perspective of myself (that i am so easy to leave and have no value on my own but merely have value for what I offer) that I have taken a “pity me” approach...a “if you are friends with me you won’t want to date my boyfriend or the guy I once dated”. It is fear based...it is untrusting..it is people pleasing.....and when I don’t get the outcome I want....then I tend to get angry at myself...and by proxy...get more “controlling”....it is a vicious circle that I am working to break....first by seeing it and having compassion for myself...and then looking for ways I can change my way of thinking. It will not change overnight...but just being able to speak to it clearly...with compassion and without defensiveness is a huge step for me. Thank you for letting me get this out.