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Post by lovebunny on Jun 11, 2019 3:41:01 GMT
Sadly, I'm back on the boards for a 2nd time, feeling heartbroken. My FA girlfriend of 7 1/2 months dumped me today. Last time she acted this way was about 4 months ago, before we'd officially declared ourselves "in a relationship." I wrote about it on this board, under the title "She's Fearful Avoidant, I'm Anxiously Attached." To recap, I'm mid-forties, she's mid thirties, queer women. She said she didn't want a relationship, then when I refused to settle for less, she decided to commit fully to me, and we've had a wonderful few months. I'd almost forgotten all about how easily she can shut it down. That last episode happened just after Valentine's day, this one, just after Pride. I'm wondering if love-based holidays aren't a trigger for her. I know they can be difficult for me. Anyway, she is one of the organizers of our city's pride week, so she's under immense pressure, extremely busy all week. I f***ked things up by not being supportive enough, apparently. I didn't go to all her events (I had to work some nights, and honestly, I'm an introvert who gets easily drained in social settings.) I went to a few of her events, but often, she was too busy to pay attention to me. On my end, I got more and more stressed and resentful as the week went on and she wasn't spending quality time with me. It culminated with a fight on the dance floor of one of the last Pride events when I felt like she ditched me to dance with another woman. I am not proud of that moment, and apologized for it after (she's not a cheater.) Then I helped her clean up after the party and we talked a little. She seemed to want to make it better, but she had to go to another event, I had work in the morning, so I went home to my place, while she stayed out all night drinking before going back to hers. It was the first night we hadn't spent together in a while. Today she told me she thinks "something's missing," and that I'm always unwilling to compromise. This is the same woman who, a week ago, told me how happy I make her. Two nights ago we fell asleep with our lips pressed together (Honestly, who does that? WE do, all the time!) I admit I lost all dignity, wept and begged her to reconsider, pointing out all the good things in our relationship. We have a trip planned to Costa Rica in September, nonrefundable! We just bought bikes together! The sex! I claim my part in this mess, such as resenting how much of her life is taken up by work-related social events. I actually am willing to try to attend more of those with her if I must. Part of the problem is she doesn't tell me clearly what she needs (she's like, whatever, come or don't.) I know I can be antisocial and uncompromising, and those are NOT my favorite things about myself, but she didn't even give me a chance to fix things. She just dumped me. But she's still hanging on, checking on me every two hours, talking about how she still wants to go to Costa Rica, wants to be my friend, never wanted to hurt me but just doesn't want a relationship where she's not fully supported, etc. I've been through so many emotionally unavailable relationships. Drug addicts, BPD, NPD. I think I've so rarely ever been supported in my life that I'm not sure how to do it back. This woman (when she's not dumping me) has been so THERE for me, like no one else. It makes it hard to tell how much of this is our attachment styles, how much is genuine incompatibility. How much of this is her, how much is me? We go months without even a disagreement, and then this....it's so different from my other relationships, which were so much more roller-coaster-y. I'm not sure I should be fighting for her, though, if it's going to inevitably mean getting dumped every few months. Or maybe this time, she really means it.
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Post by happyidiot on Jun 11, 2019 5:53:41 GMT
Hi, sorry this is happening to you. Just wanted to say thanks for sharing about your situation.
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Post by lovebunny on Jun 11, 2019 12:15:39 GMT
Thanks happyidiot.
Helsbells: Yes, it's just crazy. I can see how happy I make her most of the time. Yesterday she took everything of hers from my house except her new bike and the sex toys. I was like, "This doesn't feel right." She said, "It feels right to me, babe." I can't wrap my brain fully around it. So damaging.
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Post by lovebunny on Jun 12, 2019 14:25:28 GMT
She spent all day yesterday trying to "cheer me up" until I made her leave. I theorized that she's the one who needs me to feel better.
She says she loves me, wants me, but just doesn't see a future for us, because the relationship isn't "perfect," so no point in continuing. She agrees she's a fearful avoidant, even wants to try therapy, great but too little too late. She left her car here and rode her bike home, then texted me this morning. Why doesn't she just go away if she's finished with me?
Is she just trying to alleviate her guilt for dumping and hurting me? Is she seriously thinking we're going to be platonic besties or continue on in a pseudo-relationship? I am not hiding how much pain I'm in, and I'm adamant in that I want a relationship, if not with her than with someone willing to give me that. I would think she'd be running away as far as possible right now.
My body is beginning to feel her as a threat--not my safe person anymore. Her text this morning checking on me triggered anxiety (though I might have that if she didn't text, too.) The confusion in my heart is unbearable. I want her to go away and let me heal and move on, yet I can't bear the thought of her going away. It's been such a peaceful, sweet relationship, it's causing me all kinds of cognitive dissonance that this person is actually dangerous to my emotional well being.
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Post by lovebunny on Jun 12, 2019 16:59:44 GMT
Sorry you're going through that Helsbells. Disappearing like that is definitely damaging. I had an ex who would just vanish for weeks, can't believe I ever put up with that from someone.
This one doesn't vanish. She dumps me, then wants to keep spending time with me. Madness.
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Post by alexandra on Jun 13, 2019 2:01:04 GMT
Sorry you're going through that Helsbells. Disappearing like that is definitely damaging. I had an ex who would just vanish for weeks, can't believe I ever put up with that from someone. This one doesn't vanish. She dumps me, then wants to keep spending time with me. Madness. This is not an uncommon dynamic with an FA. She'll keep doing it as long as you allow. It's not malicious, it's fear-driven, but it's up to you to look after yourself and defend your own boundaries. You can't expect her to do it. Someone posted on another thread I commented on that why would you allow someone who you know has attachment issues take the wheel? I think it's a good way to put it. Don't passively allow them to make the decision if it's hurting you. Block her if you need to. It doesn't even have to be forever, just until you've had enough space to heal from the breakup and fairly decide if you want to remain no contact or would like to sincerely be nothing more than platonic friends.
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Post by lovebunny on Jun 13, 2019 12:35:43 GMT
Hi Alexandra,
No, she's definitely not malicious. I believe she really is hurting, too, and she hates that I'm hurting. I'm trying to figure out what contact I can and cannot handle right now. It's such a hard pill to swallow because the relationship seemed so great, and yet....
Last time this happened, I backed off for a few days and she changed her mind. Part of me is hoping that'll be the case again, once she winds down from her stressful week, catches up on sleep, and starts to realize how much she misses me. But then, how can I even think about taking her back knowing how easily she'll sever the bond when issues come up?
So far I unfollowed (not unfriended) her on Facebook. I've resisted the urge to text or call yesterday, though I did answer her after a few hours when she texted me to ask how I was doing. I was honest with her, that I felt awful, but better than yesterday, and am struggling to accept that the great life we seemed to be having together isn't happening. She responded with a f**king frowny face emoji. Honestly, what an idiot.
Today is a busy work day, so I need to try to stay focused. Her stupid car is still in front of my house, she said she was going to get it last night then didn't, perhaps because I didn't respond when she told me that, idk. I feel like she's leaving it here to make sure we run into each other again. Amazing she trusts me not to slash her damned tires.
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Post by alexandra on Jun 13, 2019 13:53:54 GMT
Everything can seem great when someone isn't communicating or doesn't know how to. My long term FA ex and I never fought our first year. Which led to me being blind sided. It didn't mean nothing was ever wrong, just that he was avoiding anything that was and never problem solving with me. He'd just decide things on his own without giving me a chance because it was safer than investing and confronting problems. And a significant portion of the reason was that was he was projecting childhood issues and the problems weren't actually to do with me so, from that standpoint, I couldn't have helped fixed them anyway... but he's so scared of confronting his past, he didn't consciously realize that. He just felt something was wrong, blamed me, continued to use dysfunctional defense mechanisms that developed in childhood and sinks adult relationships. It's not an oscar winning performance issue.
It is 2.5 years later. He still reaches out to be friends, and he had another relationship of several months that it seems like she ended due to her being more avoidant than him. I'm sharing all this because, he hasn't changed at all since I met him years ago, and it's just impossible to have a partner who hasn't worked on these issues if you're looking for something mature, healthy, and reciprocal that doesn't just cycle. You both deserve better than that, but there's still attachment work to be done on your ends for you to feel that way about yourselves and quality of your relationships.
I recently left a guy who is probably the anxious side of FA, after a fairly short period of time. I liked him a lot but he wasn't being fully present. He seemed most comfortable sitting on the fence, and I can't do that anymore because I've moved out of being AP, so I had two calm, brief but full conversations with him about it several weeks apart (didn't blind side him or pressure him), we discussed the issues, I warned him my timeline for leaving if nothing more evolved, and I stuck to it when he continued to hold back. It sucked, but I've been reflecting on how someone can let things end like that when they were mostly incredibly good, and what I see is he has a real fear of investing emotionally in a romantic partner unless he's triggered enough to override it. He's at least aware, but he is at a point where he's happy to endlessly enjoy my company but not step up to truly invest in us. That's never going to be safe or secure, so I had to walk because we both agreed I deserved someone more committed.
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Post by lovebunny on Jun 13, 2019 19:00:08 GMT
Helsbells: You said above: "They're either amazing liars or the best actors and deserve an oscar award." But I don't believe mine was lying, or hiding anything. I think she was happy with me, but expecting it not to last. We had a bad week, and she decided how she felt by the end of it (disappointed by me,stressed out by trying to balance work and a relationship) was how she was likely to feel at some point again, so she rode the express train to breakup station.
Alexandra: I like when you said: "I've been reflecting on how someone can let things end like that when they were mostly incredibly good, and what I see is he has a real fear of investing emotionally in a romantic partner unless he's triggered enough to override it. He's at least aware, but he is at a point where he's happy to endlessly enjoy my company but not step up to truly invest in us. That's never going to be safe or secure."
I definitely am not feeling safe and secure after this second severing of the bond. Beyond that, I was actually just fine with where the relationship sat at the 7 1/2 month point. We spent almost every night together, knew each other's friends and coworkers. Had a vacation planned. She was the one who asked for exclusivity/monogamy.
I have a few times brought up the possibility of her moving in with me, as rents here are expensive, and my place is big enough for two. She's said she wasn't ready, plus she didn't want to live in the same house where I lived with my ex. I was like fine. I actually like having my own space. And believe me, marriage was nowhere on the table. But now, she tells me she doesn't think she EVER wants to live with someone, and doesn't want to EVER get married. I don't even know that I need either cohabitation or marriage to be happy in a relationship, certainly not right now, but she goes and end things long before we ever get near the possibility.
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Post by leavethelighton on Jun 16, 2019 3:41:05 GMT
This sounds tough. Your relationship seems to have a lot of strengths, but if both people aren't willing to sit down and talk through the challenges (as you mentioned-- what they need/want that is not happening, what that would look like, etc.) and to weather some challenges without just breaking up or permanently disassociating, then it isn't going to work out.
But yeah, if you're the one wanting to continue onward together, it can be difficult to really understand how some people deeply want to forge onward together and others are able to just walk away.
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Post by lovebunny on Jun 16, 2019 11:37:51 GMT
I had a meltdown two nights ago and called her, crying. It resolved nothing, she is just out all night getting drunk because she says she can't sleep and can't stand her emotions right now. I don't understand why this isn't easier for her, shouldn't she be feeling more relief than whatever emotion is driving her right now? Guilt? Pain? She offered to come over that night, I declined. I really don't think repeatedly banging my head against her walls will be helpful. She's not going to say what I want her to say, and even if she does, how could I trust it? Meanwhile, I'm a depressed mess.
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Post by alexandra on Jun 16, 2019 13:51:46 GMT
lovebunny, my FA ex did the same kind of stuff after dumping me. He was clearly not okay, because he coped both by partying and engaging in behaviors that led to him quickly gaining 50 pounds, all while still reaching out to me to be "friends." While this upset was partially because he had difficulty processing the change that came with severing an incredibly strong emotional connection, it wasn't exactly that he still wanted to be with me (we got back together a long time later and he repeated his FA pattern exactly almost immediately and left again). A much bigger part of it has to do with his inability to self-regulate in a healthy way and what a stabilizing force I was for him and his ego. I gave him a lot of care and ATTENTION that he craved but couldn't give to himself. Without that, he spun out, but that side of him was selfish and childlike, as he couldn't reciprocate showing up fully, authentically, or vulnerably in a relationship. He also felt guilty he couldn't be a good partner but thought I was one, so now we have two drivers. 1. He lost a source of stability propping his ego 2. He felt guilty. Then there's a third, bigger issue. The inability to cope with a breakup in a healthy way reflected exactly how he behaved in the relationship. He couldn't confront or communicate about the issues, in part because he couldn't even understand how he felt, so he'd avoid and dissociate instead. And I had no idea how badly he felt or how to work as a team to fix it, because he wasn't participating on that healthy relationship level (and neither was I, because I was AP and blaming myself and letting him nitpick at me until I was drowning in self-doubt instead of leaving). FAs often are disconnected from their bodies and their needs, because part of coping with and surviving their chaotic childhood situation may have been to detach from their real selves and create a projected false self to please others. If they can't reconnect with themselves when they are older, they may end up feeling like emotional tornadoes inside without understanding why, and then just leave the emotion unprocessed (because they don't know how to process it). They know something is wrong and cope through the same childhood strategies of avoidance, distraction, dissociation, until they feel better and more balanced but didn't underlying fix anything. So, your ex may be really struggling, but it's more with herself and her past than it is with her feelings for you, at least for the moment. The breakup absolutely hurts her, as does losing you. But there's so much fear and self-protection in there, that she has no idea how to deal with, and isn't going to be able to in a way that allows her to be a committed romantic partner to you unless she decides to face herself and do her own work. And if she can't, which is likely because changing your attachment takes a lot of work and commitment to yourself that's independent of any other people in your life so it's hard unless you're in enough pain to start with and stick with the process, then it still has nothing to do with the intensity of her feelings for you. It became apparent to me that my ex's second biggest fear in life was losing me (he'd often tell me, even after the first breakup straight through to the second nine months after we reconnected, how much he feared losing me), but his biggest fear was facing his own issues. And we got to the point that I'd healed enough that we weren't going to work unless he faced his issues. He panicked instead, because facing himself to stay with me wasn't possible. He was way too afraid. Now we're another year out, he still wants to be friends, I'm comfortable platonically talking to him from a distance, and his next relationship played out dysfunctionally and he still hasn't changed at all. This is why the only thing you can control is you. And while I certainly understand the breakup and pain is fresh, and you're going to ruminate about her for some time, moving forward will be when you're ready to really put yourself first, focusing totally on yourself and not a partner or ex, and process whatever happened in your past that led to your AP style.
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Post by mrob on Jun 17, 2019 23:00:09 GMT
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I hope you read, and re read this paragraph. If ever there was a reason to be avoidant, this is it. I don’t care how hurt you are, if this is the real game you were playing, you’re nothing but a manipulative piece of cr&@. Good riddance to bad rubbish for her.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 17, 2019 23:05:17 GMT
. I hope you read, and re read this paragraph. If ever there was a reason to be avoidant, this is it. I don’t care how hurt you are, if this is the real game you were playing, you’re nothing but a manipulative piece of cr&@. Good riddance to bad rubbish for her. I saw this earlier and didn't have time to comment- but yeah. Well said mrob. The ick comes out doesn't it? I try to be helpful but I'm wondering, why? I think I need time off the boards lol.
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Post by mrob on Jun 18, 2019 2:00:26 GMT
...and that’s what happens with most of us avoidants. One can only take so much pounding. We’ve had some brilliant contributors here that have brought a wealth of insight with them, but they go for this reason.
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