laney
New Member
Posts: 35
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Post by laney on Jun 15, 2019 7:49:10 GMT
How can I soothe an anxious-preoccupied person (family member) who I really love?
This individual would want more connection with me and says she loves me more than anything, yet the AP behavior is out of bound.
This person orbits around their own hurts and feelings and never really listens to me, yet is deeply deeply hurt that I withdraw and "never tell anything".
She constantly threatens to check out of the relationship and to do her own thing in the future. Every time I try to open up, I eventually get insulted, yelled at and then it's again about that person and how I hurt them by not telling them everything and not doing the things I am supposed to do.
I react by withdrawing because I cannot stand being hurt like that yet I do crave the connection. My withdrawal makes things a lot worse. I would wish for closeness, but I want to avoid getting hurt all the time. I also want to do certain things my way and have some independence without wounding that person all the time. I used to reassure a lot and apologize but I feel like there are supposed to be different ways?
I understand that this is not a ideal relationship but because it's a family member I want it to be as good as possible. Retreat is not possible. I am asking here because I see the AP dynamic and I wonder if others have some insight.
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Post by tnr9 on Jun 15, 2019 10:43:22 GMT
How can I soothe an anxious-preoccupied person (family member) who I really love? This individual would want more connection with me and says she loves me more than anything, yet the AP behavior is out of bound. This person orbits around their own hurts and feelings and never really listens to me, yet is deeply deeply hurt that I withdraw and "never tell anything". She constantly threatens to check out of the relationship and to do her own thing in the future. Every time I try to open up, I eventually get insulted, yelled at and then it's again about that person and how I hurt them by not telling them everything and not doing the things I am supposed to do. I react by withdrawing because I cannot stand being hurt like that yet I do crave the connection. My withdrawal makes things a lot worse. I would wish for closeness, but I want to avoid getting hurt all the time. I also want to do certain things my way and have some independence without wounding that person all the time. I used to reassure a lot and apologize but I feel like there are supposed to be different ways? I understand that this is not a ideal relationship but because it's a family member I want it to be as good as possible. Retreat is not possible. I am asking here because I see the AP dynamic and I wonder if others have some insight. Truthfully...i don’t recognize those behaviors at all....I am usually the one who apologizes and wants to ensure my partner/friend won’t check out. Safety to me is knowing that the other person is not going to abandon me. Then I calm down from feeling anxious. It does sound like a difficult place to be in.....would she be open to seeing a therapist with you?
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laney
New Member
Posts: 35
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Post by laney on Jun 15, 2019 13:45:44 GMT
How can I soothe an anxious-preoccupied person (family member) who I really love? This individual would want more connection with me and says she loves me more than anything, yet the AP behavior is out of bound. This person orbits around their own hurts and feelings and never really listens to me, yet is deeply deeply hurt that I withdraw and "never tell anything". She constantly threatens to check out of the relationship and to do her own thing in the future. Every time I try to open up, I eventually get insulted, yelled at and then it's again about that person and how I hurt them by not telling them everything and not doing the things I am supposed to do. I react by withdrawing because I cannot stand being hurt like that yet I do crave the connection. My withdrawal makes things a lot worse. I would wish for closeness, but I want to avoid getting hurt all the time. I also want to do certain things my way and have some independence without wounding that person all the time. I used to reassure a lot and apologize but I feel like there are supposed to be different ways? I understand that this is not a ideal relationship but because it's a family member I want it to be as good as possible. Retreat is not possible. I am asking here because I see the AP dynamic and I wonder if others have some insight. Truthfully...i don’t recognize those behaviors at all....I am usually the one who apologizes and wants to ensure my partner/friend won’t check out. Safety to me is knowing that the other person is not going to abandon me. Then I calm down from feeling anxious. It does sound like a difficult place to be in.....would she be open to seeing a therapist with you? unfortunately that’s not possible
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 15, 2019 13:59:02 GMT
I think boundaries are needed, around what kind of speech you will and will not tolerate. AP are insecure about your level of love and how much you value them, I think. So maybe you can let her know what you cherish about her, and ask her what she needs to feel more embraced. That might open up a vulnerable discussion for the both of you.
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Post by alexandra on Jun 15, 2019 21:31:41 GMT
The biggest issue with handling an AP in this situation is, because of a low opinion of self and high opinion of others, it can be very hard to give any feedback without the person getting triggered and defensive. The non AP person is looked upon as "better" than the unaware AP by the AP, which is why you get such strong reactions. The AP fears abandonment, and this one is lashing out and not communicating well when perceiving your retreat. Even if you're not retreating!
If you can speak to them when they are in a good, calm mood, and not when they are triggered, and focus on telling them how you feel first without it being a reflection on them to get defensive about, that may help. APs usually don't want to consciously do things that push people they care about further away, so if you can state your boundary and how you feel first, then ask what the other person needs IF they don't have a triggered response, maybe that can slowly open a conversation. It's not for you to always treat an AP with kids gloves, as that is codependent. Nor should you give in and regulate their emotions for them so they feel better. I wouldn't overdo telling one how much you care, but you can assure them you want to talk because you do care and it's coming from a good place. But if you're meeting a defensive wall, I'd back off and try again another time. They need to be calm enough to think about and digest what you're saying. When triggered, your message just won't penetrate, and if you get triggered in turn, the distance and perception in the moment just gets worse.
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Post by leavethelighton on Jun 16, 2019 2:59:32 GMT
I think @sherry and alexandra have great advice here. I don't really have anything to add, just seconding it...
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