I saw B on Sunday...he came over and we watched a movie and a few episodes of a new show that he likes. I really thought I was handling things a lot better...but yesterday....I had another round of fear and jealousy...self inflicted I will add. I was looking through a friend’s pages and happened to see that B was back to liking her posts...and he even loved one. All of a sudden, the insecure thinking cane back...the comparisons...the placing importance on likes/loves...the jealousy.....all of a sudden I felt...common....I felt that I was not important. This was as a result of comparing a love on a post to hanging out. I felt the vast emptiness in the moment and realized that I had never felt “enough” love...ever...from anyone...it was either not enough or too much...and the instability of it all meant it could be taken away....so I wanted to hoard it....which is why I have felt desperate and why a like can have more meaning in my head then actual time together. What I have come to realize is I want to explore enoughness....what would enough love look like? What words/actions fall into enoughness....how do I feel enoughness and then not take it for granted or get bored. So much growth is possible through this...but it is up to me to do the work...otherwise I am stuck on a treadmill. Just sharing.
Post by leavethelighton on Jul 10, 2019 20:27:08 GMT
I spend a lot of time thinking about this idea-- what would it be like to embrace the now, to be truly content, to not desire change/more/less, for as you say it to be "enough."
I think this is what people are after with the current cultural obsession with "gratitude" and "appreciation." The small and symbolic things you can treasure in one area of life or relationship-- learning to treasure those in others.
It's hard though, if you've always been someone who wanted things to be different, to figure out how to really embrace what is.