Questions about dating a dismissive avoidant

It seems like it was after she expressed a disinterest in you and you were on and off again and not in an exclusive relationship that she was seeing or hanging out with other guys? If I read that right, I’d say it’s her right, as well as yours, to see other people while on/off.

My ex broke up w me last year and now we’re only casual- I have every right to date others, play the field so to speak, unless and until he wants to step up and work on having a committed relationship again w me. When you break up w someone- you run the risk of them dating others and have no right to question it. I don’t know if she was lying about the others or just trying not to rub them in your face in an effort to spare your feelings.

Either way, your relationship with her is shaky and volatile and you need to decide if it’s worth pursuing. It sounds like she may not be emotionally available to give you the same time and attention that you desire. Also, she may be disinterested physically based on what she said about only seeing you as a friend. If so, there’s nothing to draw her to you.

See that is where things get confusing, I said lets stop things in December and then did for almost two weeks, then we got re connected and then I expressed wanting to try things out again with her reciprocating my feelings on it. But then being back and forth about it and shutting down, then opening up and etc. This whole time I spent just trying to work things out with her and not seeing other people. And her expressing on multiple times during this that she wasn't seeing other people but that she was also trying to protect herself and that she needs to really work on herself before she tries to be with anyone etc. Then coming back around to trying things again. I asked her on different occasions if she was just seeing someone else to which she said no, and that she wasn't interested in anyone else, and etc.  She did say she didn't have an interest in me physically at one point. But not only three days  later she hooked up with me.

She later said she was lying about not being interested in me because she was trying to protect herself from getting hurt. The last month we have been seeing each other intimately again as well.  With all that being said this is where I run into the issue of not knowing what to think about the whole thing, and if I am not just somebody she wants a temporary ego boost from, or if she genuinely always had feelings for me and was acting out some kind of avoidance strategies out of some fears.  I feel very comfortable and confident with myself, but like you mentioned I am just not sure if everything is worth pursuing at this point. Its hard with the attachment issues as it is, so I reached out to this forum to see what others perception was. To have a better awareness of what happened before. If a relationship would be sustainable as well, or if the same things would just repeat themselves. I have done all I could on my end to be supportive and encouraging. I don't want to want to walk away quite yet. But I also don't know if I am doing the right thing or not either. 

This is where it gets more muddled and confusing, she says she does not like casual relationships at all. And she is treating things lately as if we are heading into a relationship on her end. She didn't go out and hook up with a bunch of random dudes before. Just had semi dated the same guy after I broke things off the first time around. I don't want to sound like a brag but I am a very attractive guy as she is an attractive girl and have only been acting more attractive in my behavior since I first ended things the first time around as well. It's not so much that she isn't giving what I want right now, she is actually acting better then ever before. I am just more so concerned about getting more attached to her and getting hurt worse or wasting my time in the long run. I do see a lot of potential with her, its just hard to move past everything before or make sense of it, I posted hear to see if it would help make sense of it as well. And then having trust that she won't lie anymore, and that she can take responsibility to work on herself. She is very self aware of it, but emotionally sometimes she cant help but act it out again. I understand that and can support her while she works on herself, and me work on myself too. But I don't want to be jerked around or her having some kind of secret side guy while I am solely just invested in her and the relationship with her alone. I don't want to fully invest in someone that is not able to do the same in turn. 

Yeah, I mean I wish it could just work out normally. After all this time and everything building up until this point. But it's really a rocky road to go down, especially if she's not truly prepared to work on herself. I just wish it was easier to let go of my attachment and optimism that things could get better, they could if both people want it to. But I never have any idea where her head is truly at because she isn't able to communicate it.

Yeah I think I'm in love with her too. That's the hardest part. But it is what it is. I can only do so much.

The reasons for her inability to participate in a mutual, consistent, respectful and loving relationship are irrelevant. The fact that she is unable, is relevant.

It is overly optimistic to believe that if she were just to begin "to work on herself" that this would be sustainable. The process of becoming healthy enough to overcome her rather extreme behaviors is lengthy.

Your main obstacle here is not her, it's your own attachment to someone who is inconsistent, unfaithful, dishonest, and emotionally unavailable. Look at your own attachment trauma and your own issues. You are likely repeating a dysfunctional pattern within your own self that requires immediate attention - forget her issues. Attachment and unresolved trauma is often mistaken for mature love but lacks insight, boundaries, self care, and personal awareness. Instead, this kind of attachment is based on trying to soothe one's own abandonment, receive validation by being "chosen" and "loved" enough to be deemed worthy of commitment and effort. It is rife with denial, fantasy, and false narratives.

You are unsure if you can trust her. However, from my perspective the big issue you are having is whether or not you can trust yourself and your judgement, you're afraid you will make a mistake because you are trying to hope beyond what is reasonable. There is not reason to have faith in this at all, hoping for a turnaround with no trust established. People can change but your pushing the limits of optimism here. If she were in therapy and addressing deep things and approached you with answers rather than vague statements about change blah blah then you could reasonably extend yourself - IF YOU WERE DOING THE SAME.

Very common for people to come here wondering if a partner can or will fix their issues, instead of really being accountable for their own dysfunction that has them attached to an Abandoner. It's your own creation. This scenario is what you created for yourself because of your own unresolved issues.

That's true for every single one of us- it's not about the partner it's about you.

You are welcome @thatright. You are working so hard on untangling your own patterns and it's inspiring for all of us I hope. I am working on this as well, and some days I feel discouraged (like today) with not being where I'd like to be with it all. Self love and acceptance is what I need while I keep the focus on what's mine to address. It is much easier to look outward, and just react to it all, I think that is habitual for humans until we become more conscious and aware. This is tough stuff.