|
|
Post by howpredictable on Jul 31, 2017 2:52:05 GMT
I can comfortably self-assess myself as a DA, having come to these Forums after ending a relationship with an even more Avoidant DA that I dated for a few years. Although I have other intimacy issues as well, I fit very well into the description of a DA as described in Jeb Kinnison's book and on these Forums.
I am now back dating new people and am noticing my reactions to people with various Attachment types. I have also looked back over prior relationships and see all the familiar patterns.
So I thought I would post to give former partners of DAs my experience on how it feels once the relationship ends. In case it is helpful for your healing.
I take no pleasure in being the bearer of bad news, but I can say in all honesty that once I get triggered into a feeling of being suffocated or smothered by a relationship, there is absolutely, positively no turning back for me. The only feeling I have, is that I want to get away from him or her, and I want to forget that the relationship ever existed. This is because (once triggered) thoughts of the person and relationship bring up only anxiety, which crowds out ALL the other positive feelings, the memories and history and affection and intimacy. The anxiety just takes over completely and all I can think about is how to make it stop. And the best way of course is to just leave and bolt the door.
Reconciliation with the former partner is not only "not in the cards", I start forgetting past memories and events and I get to the point where I can hardly remember the person's face anymore, even if I had dated them for years. This takes surprisingly little time. If I'm honest with myself, I would say it's more of a "blocking" process than a "forgetting".
These patterns are starting to come up with new potential partners as well. It seems that a few guys I've been dating have more Anxious Preoccupied styles, and they are triggering my anxiety pretty early in the game. I can see one of them becoming a bit obsessive and he's trying hard to give me the "space" I ask for but I know (and have told him clearly) that we have no future. He keeps contacting... and I keep avoiding. His daily innocent "good morning!" texts are making me anxious and I sometimes get twinges of panic even when I just see his name in my Inbox.
For the record, I am newly in therapy but these issues lie very deep. And sometimes by choice I will go for longer stretches without dating. When I do date, the patterns keep resurfacing.
Of course, this is merely the experience of one DA person, but I hope it helps some of you. |
|
|
|
Post by satori on Jul 31, 2017 17:06:49 GMT
Thank you, howpredictable for sharing your experiences and feelings about what you think about your former ex's from a DA's perspective. Your insights & experiences, as always is extremely valuable to me and I'm sure lots of other folks on these boards. Please keep up the good work!
I ended a six and half year relationship with a DA in mid-May and it wasn't until shortly thereafter that I discovered issues related to attachment styles and how they play themselves out in my relationship with her. It was an amazing 'ah-ha' moment for me that shed so much light on my DA's behavior and how things played itself out. But to be honest with you it also shed a lot of light on my own behavior and why I ended up going back to an abusive relationship time and time again and why I was triggered with so much anxiety and emotional pain. Despite the ups and downs, she always ended taking me back but now I understand it was more about satisfying her needs vs. being in a truly intimate relationship or meeting my needs.
My experiences with her really forced me to look at myself and address my own traumatic childhood attachment injuries, which was one of the biggest challenges I had ever faced. It was a truly painful experience but I have to say that now I am in a better place because I faced my deepest fears. Trust me when I say, it was not easy but it was well worth it! Luckily, I had a deep desire to be in a better place and had good help along the way. I always say that every relationship gives you a gift, and one of the gifts that she has given me is that she forced me to look at myself and my behavior. As I became healthier, I was the one who ended up moving emotionally away from her. Every trigger, every drama session, every insult pushed me away. At the end, it was easy to let her go because I finally accepted the fact that she was not healthy for me. I was done. Now that I am in a better place I can truly say that I will absolutely, positively will never go back to my DA. Despite the fact that we did do so much over the last six and half years and we did manage to build some beautiful memories along the way, it was also incredibly painful whenever she was emotionally and verbally abusive. Every time she was abusive overshadowed everything else. I too wish I could suppress my thoughts, memories, and forget that this relationship has ever existed given how painful it had been. But reality is that I have a secure attachment style and I don't have the mechanism to suppress my memories and events. She was part of my life for over six years, because I consciously decided to share my life with her. Now I know why. When I do think about her and our relationship, I try to focus on the positive experiences and what I have leaned from it.
As much as I want her to be healthy & at peace with herself, I have accepted that this is a journey that she has to make for herself. Despite the past pain, I am eternally grateful what she has given back to me.
Cheers...
|
|
|
|
Post by pooched on Jul 31, 2017 22:43:02 GMT
Thanks so much for this. I, too, have made my peace with this. It's a long journey and process but I love me more!
|
|
|
|
Post by howpredictable on Aug 1, 2017 3:43:52 GMT
Thank you, howpredictable for sharing your experiences and feelings about what you think about your former ex's from a DA's perspective. You are most welcome. I hope it helps. But I also understand your perspective very well, as I have recently ended an almost-4-year relationship with a very highly DA person (moreso than me), and I'm on the same journey towards figuring out my own Attachment Trauma symptoms and solutions.
So, empathy to you, Satori. Six years is a long time.
Good luck to you; it sounds like have managed to take whatever positives you can from an otherwise tragic situation.
|
|
|
|
Post by mrscuba on Aug 2, 2017 12:49:25 GMT
I can comfortably self-assess myself as a DA, having come to these Forums after ending a relationship with an even more Avoidant DA that I dated for a few years. Although I have other intimacy issues as well, I fit very well into the description of a DA as described in Jeb Kinnison's book and on these Forums.
I am now back dating new people and am noticing my reactions to people with various Attachment types. I have also looked back over prior relationships and see all the familiar patterns.
So I thought I would post to give former partners of DAs my experience on how it feels once the relationship ends. In case it is helpful for your healing.
I take no pleasure in being the bearer of bad news, but I can say in all honesty that once I get triggered into a feeling of being suffocated or smothered by a relationship, there is absolutely, positively no turning back for me. The only feeling I have, is that I want to get away from him or her, and I want to forget that the relationship ever existed. This is because (once triggered) thoughts of the person and relationship bring up only anxiety, which crowds out ALL the other positive feelings, the memories and history and affection and intimacy. The anxiety just takes over completely and all I can think about is how to make it stop. And the best way of course is to just leave and bolt the door.
Reconciliation with the former partner is not only "not in the cards", I start forgetting past memories and events and I get to the point where I can hardly remember the person's face anymore, even if I had dated them for years. This takes surprisingly little time. If I'm honest with myself, I would say it's more of a "blocking" process than a "forgetting".
These patterns are starting to come up with new potential partners as well. It seems that a few guys I've been dating have more Anxious Preoccupied styles, and they are triggering my anxiety pretty early in the game. I can see one of them becoming a bit obsessive and he's trying hard to give me the "space" I ask for but I know (and have told him clearly) that we have no future. He keeps contacting... and I keep avoiding. His daily innocent "good morning!" texts are making me anxious and I sometimes get twinges of panic even when I just see his name in my Inbox.
For the record, I am newly in therapy but these issues lie very deep. And sometimes by choice I will go for longer stretches without dating. When I do date, the patterns keep resurfacing.
Of course, this is merely the experience of one DA person, but I hope it helps some of you. Thanks for your honest perspective. As someone who has recently realized how many people in my life are avoidant like my father, best friend, ex gf, close cousins, and a few others I've learned more or less how many avoidants behave and more so why... reading this from you helped me validate more of my theories on why I've seen some behaviors from avoidants. Seriosuly.. thanks for that! It's honest admissions like that which help us all! |
|
guava
New Member
Posts: 19 
|
Post by guava on Aug 3, 2017 21:39:32 GMT
Wow! Thank you so much for that.
You said you want to forget the relationship ever existed. Do you delete them from Facebook? My ex keeps all of his ex girlfriends on his Facebook for example. I would assume he wants to forget they existed too, but then again after we broke up he was adamant that he wanted to remain friends. Maybe there is a spectrum?
|
|
|
|
Post by howpredictable on Aug 4, 2017 3:47:15 GMT
Do you delete them from Facebook? I never add them as friends on Facebook in the first place.
And I certainly don't identify myself as being "In a Relationship". Not even if I've been seeing someone for years. I explain this to partners as coming from the fact that I'm very "private", but the truth is that I don't like the public sense of obligation/commitment.
|
|
|
|
Post by satori on Aug 4, 2017 13:47:47 GMT
That's strange, my ex DA girlfriend posted dozens upon dozens of pictures of us and our kids on Facebook over the last six and half years when we were together. Matter of fact, my best friend told me she posted pictures of us celebrating my daughters birthday right before our relationship ended. Yet the kicker was that she was connected on Facebook with my best friend, my nephew, and my sister yet she refused to reconnect with me again after our last blowout in September 2015 when she defriended me. Go figure.
I'm with you, howpredicatble... I too do not post anything on Facebook because I prefer being 'private'. Social media such as Facebook, Twitter, etc. is not my thing.
|
|
|
|
Post by blue55 on Dec 29, 2017 18:34:20 GMT
Do you delete them from Facebook? I never add them as friends on Facebook in the first place.
And I certainly don't identify myself as being "In a Relationship". Not even if I've been seeing someone for years. I explain this to partners as coming from the fact that I'm very "private", but the truth is that I don't like the public sense of obligation/commitment.
I am the exact same way. I'm starting to learn how I have some DA qualities along with my ex. I think my ex actually turned secure attachment into more DA. But I've never posted a picture with my girlfriend. Over years of relationships... I have no problem posting pictures of me with random girls. But never with a girlfriend. I didn't even change my relationship status until 1.5 years in. |
|
damascena
New Member
pregnant, alone and deceived.
Posts: 40
|
Post by damascena on Dec 29, 2017 18:59:46 GMT
I can comfortably self-assess myself as a DA, having come to these Forums after ending a relationship with an even more Avoidant DA that I dated for a few years. Although I have other intimacy issues as well, I fit very well into the description of a DA as described in Jeb Kinnison's book and on these Forums.
I am now back dating new people and am noticing my reactions to people with various Attachment types. I have also looked back over prior relationships and see all the familiar patterns.
So I thought I would post to give former partners of DAs my experience on how it feels once the relationship ends. In case it is helpful for your healing.
I take no pleasure in being the bearer of bad news, but I can say in all honesty that once I get triggered into a feeling of being suffocated or smothered by a relationship, there is absolutely, positively no turning back for me. The only feeling I have, is that I want to get away from him or her, and I want to forget that the relationship ever existed. This is because (once triggered) thoughts of the person and relationship bring up only anxiety, which crowds out ALL the other positive feelings, the memories and history and affection and intimacy. The anxiety just takes over completely and all I can think about is how to make it stop. And the best way of course is to just leave and bolt the door.
Reconciliation with the former partner is not only "not in the cards", I start forgetting past memories and events and I get to the point where I can hardly remember the person's face anymore, even if I had dated them for years. This takes surprisingly little time. If I'm honest with myself, I would say it's more of a "blocking" process than a "forgetting".
These patterns are starting to come up with new potential partners as well. It seems that a few guys I've been dating have more Anxious Preoccupied styles, and they are triggering my anxiety pretty early in the game. I can see one of them becoming a bit obsessive and he's trying hard to give me the "space" I ask for but I know (and have told him clearly) that we have no future. He keeps contacting... and I keep avoiding. His daily innocent "good morning!" texts are making me anxious and I sometimes get twinges of panic even when I just see his name in my Inbox.
For the record, I am newly in therapy but these issues lie very deep. And sometimes by choice I will go for longer stretches without dating. When I do date, the patterns keep resurfacing.
Of course, this is merely the experience of one DA person, but I hope it helps some of you. this sounds more like a personality disorder than straightforward Avoidant behaviour |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Dec 29, 2017 19:23:28 GMT
I can comfortably self-assess myself as a DA, having come to these Forums after ending a relationship with an even more Avoidant DA that I dated for a few years. Although I have other intimacy issues as well, I fit very well into the description of a DA as described in Jeb Kinnison's book and on these Forums.
I am now back dating new people and am noticing my reactions to people with various Attachment types. I have also looked back over prior relationships and see all the familiar patterns.
So I thought I would post to give former partners of DAs my experience on how it feels once the relationship ends. In case it is helpful for your healing.
I take no pleasure in being the bearer of bad news, but I can say in all honesty that once I get triggered into a feeling of being suffocated or smothered by a relationship, there is absolutely, positively no turning back for me. The only feeling I have, is that I want to get away from him or her, and I want to forget that the relationship ever existed. This is because (once triggered) thoughts of the person and relationship bring up only anxiety, which crowds out ALL the other positive feelings, the memories and history and affection and intimacy. The anxiety just takes over completely and all I can think about is how to make it stop. And the best way of course is to just leave and bolt the door.
Reconciliation with the former partner is not only "not in the cards", I start forgetting past memories and events and I get to the point where I can hardly remember the person's face anymore, even if I had dated them for years. This takes surprisingly little time. If I'm honest with myself, I would say it's more of a "blocking" process than a "forgetting".
These patterns are starting to come up with new potential partners as well. It seems that a few guys I've been dating have more Anxious Preoccupied styles, and they are triggering my anxiety pretty early in the game. I can see one of them becoming a bit obsessive and he's trying hard to give me the "space" I ask for but I know (and have told him clearly) that we have no future. He keeps contacting... and I keep avoiding. His daily innocent "good morning!" texts are making me anxious and I sometimes get twinges of panic even when I just see his name in my Inbox.
For the record, I am newly in therapy but these issues lie very deep. And sometimes by choice I will go for longer stretches without dating. When I do date, the patterns keep resurfacing.
Of course, this is merely the experience of one DA person, but I hope it helps some of you. howpredictable, I am curious how the relationship started with another DA? Did you become anxious? As a DA, I am not attracted to other DAs and I can't even think of how that could get off the ground. |
|
|
|
Post by scheme00 on Dec 31, 2017 3:50:06 GMT
How would you feel as a DA if you were dating someone for 6 months to a year and really liked them but you were dumped because they felt like you were emotionally unavailable?
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Dec 31, 2017 15:01:38 GMT
I broke up with the DA I was dating but the last time we met, he dropped hints about getting back together, and this really messed me up....a setback for me. I really hesitate and wonder a lot more these days.  |
|
lucky
New Member
Posts: 29
|
Post by lucky on Jan 2, 2018 22:58:29 GMT
howpredictable, I am curious how the relationship started with another DA? Did you become anxious? As a DA, I am not attracted to other DAs and I can't even think of how that could get off the ground. I am 'not in a relationship' with a DA. I am a DA slight FA, and moving towards Secure. Yes, it does make me a little anxious, sometimes. It is very hard to be with someone that gives no verbal acknowledgment of feelings for you whatsoever. That said being DA really helps because I think of it as "what would I do?" I would never tell this person (me) that I love them. They would just have to get it from the way we are together and the fact I hang out with them even though they sometimes annoy me. Or, the very short responses. As a DA I don't take them personally, though I know others might. Also, as a fellow DA I am able to articulate my needs in a way that is a lot easier to receive than needy presentation. Of course, for a VERY DA. it would still be needy. By DA friend is self-aware he is DA, so he doesn't run for the hills. He did try to push me away a lot in the beginning, which was fine for me (I didn't know he was DA at the time, I just thought he was a regular guy who expected all girls to try to lock him down within a month). It was great because I knew he wouln't be trying to marry me in short order. I did have a panic moment about 4 months in when he wanted to have a talk 'to see if we were on the same page.' I was afraid he was going to ask to be exclusive, but thank goodness, it was just to make sure I knew he wasn't looking to be in a relationship (phew! lol) DA with another DA who where both are aware and trying to make changes is great because we move slowly and mostly don't pressure the other. There is NEVER a 'why didn't you call me back' There is no "why didn't you text for 3 days" there is no "I want to seeeeee you." None of that. But, I have grown attached at a faster rate than him and am (sometimes) more forthcoming with my feelings than him (he doesn't at all verbally, I do monthly to quarterly). His lack of response can sometimes hurt, but it also keeps me from getting ahead of myself and finding I put myself in a situation that I'm not comfortable with. I also find that when he doesn't respond as I would like him to, my first inclination is to cut it off. But, I recently learned, that I need to articulate what I need instead of saddling him with unspoken expectations (which is what suffocates all of us DAs, isn't it). And we are slowly building trust in that when we are in a place to come forward with a need, that the other one cares enough to respond. Of course, that doesn't happen often, because DAs don't want to admit we need anything. That is one place I'm ahead of him. I do a lot of self-reflection, and then make a point to tell him what I need. How did it get off the ground? It is still not really 'off the ground' lol. That said, in the beginning, neither of us knew the other was DA. I just approached him as, "I am coming off this relationship, and I am trying to learn how to interact with another human being like a normal person. I have issues that prevent me from connecting with people in a real way, and I want to fix that, and practice with you." We just came together as two people looking to get some needs met, but without the requirement of a relationship. |
|
lucky
New Member
Posts: 29
|
Post by lucky on Jan 2, 2018 23:02:18 GMT
How would you feel as a DA if you were dating someone for 6 months to a year and really liked them but you were dumped because they felt like you were emotionally unavailable? If you're DA and you really like them. I would try to get them back and demonstrate how you're working hard to overcome your patterns of behavior. Ask them to clearly articulate how you can do better (which will weed out if they used "Youre EU" as an excuse, instead of it being the real reason they dumped you.) Take the love languages quiz together and love them how they need to be loved. And get thyself to a therapist if needed. |
|
