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Post by tnr9 on Sept 15, 2022 22:30:48 GMT
There were some interesting points here, but I think it strays into the place of “the avoidants partner doing all the work so the avoidant doesn’t have to” which isn’t necessarily good for anxious people. Anger is a natural human emotion, and I don’t want to be in a relationship where I can’t occasionally, and when it’s justified, express a natural human emotion. Me having to never show anger is not a healthy relationship. Anger is a natural response to having our boundaries transgressed, and having to not show anger, as this will upset or disregulate the avoidant, is not cool. For example, think of a situation in which an avoidant picks fault with their partner (this happens a lot). Imagine they do it in front of friends at a dinner party. I’m sorry, but as the partner, the natural and healthy response is to be angry at this, and show it. Not showing anger or having an emotional response to this is not cool: you’re either letting disrespectful behaviour slide if you don’t bring it up with them, or if you do bring it up, but do a huge amount of emotional labour to not show emotion or anger or “blame” when you do that’s not a fair situation either. Yes, we can all look into ourselves in a situation, but sometimes avoidants are wrong and anger is a natural response to that, and trying to quash that isn’t a sign of a healthy relationship. Welcome to the boards….upon reading this article, I do not get the sense that the author is saying that boundary crossings etc should not be addressed….what I read is that blaming someone’s attachment as the problem versus looking at your own opportunities to work on your own needs causes a skewed outcome. I think we have also founds on these boards that posters will occasionally confuse attachment issues with personality disorders…such as narcissists. I do like how the author tries to guide someone who has an anxious attachment to use their interactions with other insecure attached individuals as an opportunity to practice good boundaries and other self affirming tools.
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Post by introvert on Sept 16, 2022 11:45:51 GMT
There were some interesting points here, but I think it strays into the place of “the avoidants partner doing all the work so the avoidant doesn’t have to” which isn’t necessarily good for anxious people. Anger is a natural human emotion, and I don’t want to be in a relationship where I can’t occasionally, and when it’s justified, express a natural human emotion. Me having to never show anger is not a healthy relationship. Anger is a natural response to having our boundaries transgressed, and having to not show anger, as this will upset or disregulate the avoidant, is not cool. For example, think of a situation in which an avoidant picks fault with their partner (this happens a lot). Imagine they do it in front of friends at a dinner party. I’m sorry, but as the partner, the natural and healthy response is to be angry at this, and show it. Not showing anger or having an emotional response to this is not cool: you’re either letting disrespectful behaviour slide if you don’t bring it up with them, or if you do bring it up, but do a huge amount of emotional labour to not show emotion or anger or “blame” when you do that’s not a fair situation either. Yes, we can all look into ourselves in a situation, but sometimes avoidants are wrong and anger is a natural response to that, and trying to quash that isn’t a sign of a healthy relationship. I don't think any modern, highly trained professional with the title of Doctor and who has researched with the top attachment specialists in the world would suggest the suppression of emotions and walking on eggshells in order to cope with a dysfunctional partner. In fact, I haven't seen that in this article at all. It seems you have perhaps over emphasized a reaction to the title of the piece and missed the important message put forth in the writing. Would you consider reading it again, setting aside your personal bias for a moment? You can potentially benefit from the compassionate and intelligent guidance this author offers in order to help people in your situation suffer less.
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