Is this typical FA behaviour?

What a complete asshole, honestly. The fact that he is doing that plus telling it to you speaks for itself.

I just feel like nothing was ever real. I cannot understand how people can say over and over all these wonderful things and then treat someone like that. Not even the decency of a face to face explanation because in their words “I wouldn’t have ended up breaking up” . I just feel like I need to get a new job, sell my house and just set a plan in place for when he can have our son. Because just being at work today and hearing about their gym plans, just felt like that ok so you’re super depressed then! Im just humiliated, he said this is his longest relationship and that should show me how committed and in love he felt- I just think actually it’s a reflection on the fact nobody else put up with this, and got out early.

Maybe my AP talking but I just feel like I can’t resolve this to be a normal case of “it just didn’t work out” I feel really hurt by it all.

Would it help to look at his running away as a way of self medicating? He doesn't know how to deal with his feelings, may not even know what those feelings are. His experience may just be feel bad / becoming dysregulated, so for him flat out avoidance feels like the only option.

I used to have really bad anxiety meltdowns, but I had no clue why or what was causing them. My partner eventually figured out tight hugs would help, but neither of us knew it was because I was emotionally dysregulated and this was helping me regulate.

It took many years to be like "oh, that awful feeling is anxiety" and then many more to be able to go okay, I am starting to get anxious, how can I SELF regulate. And now I starting to get to the point of expanding my window of tolerance. Even though I've done a butt load of therapy and reading and mindfulness I still look at the feelings wheel to identify what I am feeling to be able to communicate it to someone else.

So yes he is going to find someone else, but is he going to treat them any better? Not bloody likely. Until he sits down and is willing to just experience feelings and be able to communicate them in a healthy way, he is going to continue this terrible cycle. Now he may find someone whose dysfunction matches his own better, and who wants to ride his insane roller coaster but that doesn't mean ANYTHING about you, or your relationship with him.

Unfortunately for you, this is just going to be a long process of feeling and processing all these terrible feelings. Grief is not linear, as you move forward some days will be great, some will be a mix and just when you start to move on, you may have a bad day and feel like you have made no progress. But I promise you, you'll get to a point where you look back and go wow, I can't believe I put up with that. 

100%
I can accept that. And I wouldn’t want him to be with me or in this family dynamic if it does cause him so much discomfort. What I don’t seem to be able to accept is that he has no control about how he handles those situations. I’ve had countless I can’t believe I behaved that way. You don’t deserve any of it messages and then the cycle continues, I do realise it’s hard to change a pattern of behaviour, but when you’re actively saying and acknowledging the pain you’re causing and continue it anyway… doesn’t that by default become intentional or am I being unfair?

I didn’t mention in my first post but 2 days after he left I found out I was pregnant again and I was using contraception after the termination, I was floored and scared.
When I told him -bearing in mind this was 2 days after he left his response “what do you expect me to come back just because you’re pregnant”… is that a normal response especially when he’s saying he didn’t mean to break up it just happened and he’s still in love with me?
Anyway the next few weeks are absolutely horrendous because I’m feeling like I’m dying after the break up, I can’t eat or sleep and can’t focus on anything. It’s pathetic but this break up has absolutely ruined me. Fast forward to 3 weeks ago 8th July, I start bleeding at 7weeks 2 days, he comes over when I tell him and he does his best to support me through what I believe is a miscarriage, I go for a scan the next day and to my disbelief baby is alive and strong heartbeat, I say after, you look disappointed, he said I’m happy for you but it makes us more connected when we’re breaking up, anyway after another big bleed and scan baby is fine again, but on the Tuesday I had a huge Hemorrhage and lost the baby. I had a subchorionic hematoma and apparently that can be caused by stress. I’d never say it but I cant help feeling like this situation cause me to lose that baby. The next night he comes over to see me and breaks down saying “how bad of a person I made him feel when I questioned him about things and generally listing all the things about me that he didn’t like, not one of these things did he actually sit down and express in our relationship once” and I’m like dude your timing is shit. He says he feels lighter saying it all.
So at this point which is the 12th July I want to basically die. Because I can’t make sense of anything.
I’m not blaming him, it’s our dynamic but I am stuck replaying that time, the time I had a termination going against what I believe and wanted because I felt it was unfair to put that pressure on him when he was telling me that he was struggling and depressed and couldn’t handle a baby, and I just get left because it’s what’s right for him. No consideration for my anxious side all of which I’ve been upfront about, he knows exactly what hurts me and he does it anyway.

Anger is good, be angry! Be mad! I am so sorry to hear about your miscarriage, this entire situation is just awful.

I'm sorry if my post was sounding as if I am absolving him of responsibly. I called him abusive before and I stand by it. The reasons he is abusive don't really matter. I was just trying to highlight how him running away isn't about you, or any feelings he may or may not have for you.

"What I don’t seem to be able to accept is that he has no control about how he handles those situations. I’ve had countless I can’t believe I behaved that way. You don’t deserve any of it messages and then the cycle continues, I do realise it’s hard to change a pattern of behaviour, but when you’re actively saying and acknowledging the pain you’re causing and continue it anyway… doesn’t that by default become intentional or am I being unfair?"

you are not being unfair. He does, and does not have control at the same time, if that makes sense? He has as much control as a child does when they throw a temper tantrum because they didn't get the toy they wanted. But what he does actually have control over is going wow I don't like how I am responding to this, how do I fix this? and finding professional support to change those responses.

I applaud you for how much compassion you have for him, but how about some of that same compassion for yourself? I think the trick is to have empathy for him while also having more empathy for yourself. And going wow that sucks and is so sad, but you know what, I don't like this. It hurts, it feels icky.

I dunno, viewing it this way is how I've learned to de-personalized abuse in the past. It wasn't about me, if I view them as throwing a tantrum I can go so sad, ANYWAYS and then turn my attention to where it needs to go.

Because people whose default tactic is manipulation and gaslighting are pros at making you feel responsible for their temper tantrums and that you need to fix it for them, but you don't. You need to set boundaries around hey, I'm going to remove myself and when you can talk like an adult we can talk. 

It's not just a case of it didn't work out. It didn't work out for very specific reasons, which is that he's not emotionally capable, even if he thought he wanted to try to be. That comes with a different set of responses on your side to sort things out to co-parent and look after yourself and your own mental health that wouldn't necessarily be as challenging if he was a mature adult.