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Post by krolle on Aug 18, 2023 15:02:10 GMT
My partner and I have discussed and informally arranged a date to move in together in the next couple of months. We have been seeing each other around 2 years and the semi long distance is straining the relationship. She also owns a house so the administration around it wouldn't be that difficult and it makes sense financially.
This has brought about feelings of both terror and an overwhelming depression in me. Presumably my avoidant side.
Does anybody have any tips on navigating this?
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Post by introvert on Aug 18, 2023 15:31:42 GMT
My partner and I have discussed and informally arranged a date to move in together in the next couple of months. We have been seeing each other around 2 years and the semi long distance is straining the relationship. She also owns a house so the administration around it wouldn't be that difficult and it makes sense financially. This has brought about feelings of both terror and an overwhelming depression in me. Presumably my avoidant side. Does anybody have any tips on navigating this? I've found that living in someone's else's home effectively makes you their guest, and creates an imbalance in the relationship. |
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Post by krolle on Aug 18, 2023 16:28:25 GMT
My partner and I have discussed and informally arranged a date to move in together in the next couple of months. We have been seeing each other around 2 years and the semi long distance is straining the relationship. She also owns a house so the administration around it wouldn't be that difficult and it makes sense financially. This has brought about feelings of both terror and an overwhelming depression in me. Presumably my avoidant side. Does anybody have any tips on navigating this? I've found that living in someone's else's home effectively makes you their guest, and creates an imbalance in the relationship. I agree. And have always felt the same. But I have never had the financial means to live alone. Which has meant either living in someone else's house or having room mate/s. |
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Post by alexandra on Aug 18, 2023 17:21:52 GMT
My husband moved in with me in my small place and then it took us another year to find another place. While it was a little annoying in the sense that he couldn't move in as much of his stuff as I already had because of the major space constraints we had, I made him as much space as possible so he had his nook to spend time in even if the furnishings were still mine.
Feeling terror is definitely the avoidance, though you realistically will need to face and adapt to challenges that come with the change. Skepticism and apprehension about new experiences isn't all fear. But I'm going to assume if you're semi-long distance now, you're already used to staying with each other. Have these periods of time been okay so far, hopefully even enjoyable? Are your lifestyle habits reasonably compatible so far? While you can't assuage the trauma based fear with rationality, living together shouldn't be THAT different from how the last two years have already gone.
I would recommend you be honest with yourself and her about whatever space you need in the house and figure out how she / you both can agree to create it. My husband didn't ask me for space specifically, I did my best to make him storage and carve out a spot for him where possible before he brought his stuff over because I knew everyone in general needs some space, and that worked for us (even though it was still crowded). But you shouldn't mind read or expect her to in setting this up, especially since you both are working through attachment issues. I also know people who set up little "man caves" to safely recharge or retreat to for a few hours if things got too overwhelming and they needed a reset, and knowing that was available really helped eliminate the need for a one foot in and one foot out escape plan. If there's a small room or basement or even big closet for that, depending on the size of the place, it may also help.
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Post by cherrycola on Aug 18, 2023 17:56:42 GMT
While I understand where you are coming from, living in someone else's house would not make me feel like a guest. Funny how we all have opposing views?  This is a great opportunity to have a discussion with her around your fears and work out how "her" space, becomes an "our" space instead. Which might be scary for her as well. I actually have a hard time making room for people in my life, but like Alexandra I try to make guests feel welcome and give them their own space. Alternatively, could she rent out her place in the short term and you two find a shared accommodation for a year? I know this is a BIG ask but as a home owner it is something I considered in the past as a meet in the middle type thing. I would also have a discussion around a cohab agreement. It is such an unromantic concept but I think it really helps open discussions around who is paying for what and expectations. It allows for a smoother transition. |
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Post by tnr9 on Aug 18, 2023 18:15:01 GMT
My brother felt very pressured in his last relationship because she moved it. In hindsight, he wished he would have had them have separate rooms etc
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Post by introvert on Aug 18, 2023 20:39:32 GMT
krolle, here's my take, my experience, for what it's worth. Being the underdog so to speak, financially, in a relationship with insecure dynamics, is really tough. If there is conflict in the dynamic that provokes fear of the relationship ending, this can trigger survival mechanisms in regard to basic survival... shelter. A budget that is survivable. This can be exceptionally tough to navigate. I moved in with my partner and have since moved back out because of the inherent lack of autonomy, plus the stressor of combining lifestyles. I do better as "together living apart". That's me. That fits our particular dynamic and situation best. When he is able to sell where he is, and we go in on something together, where I am able to co-choose, co- create, co-finance our abode, I will consider cohabitation again. For now, I thrive more in my own independently controlled space.it is ny safe space and i need and want it. I have lost my home due to relationship breakdown and I wont go through that again. Im too old for that shit frankly. My own background of having power loaded over me as the less-than financial partner, has scarred me, for sure. But I also truly need a sense of autonomy and equality that just can't be had in someone else's established home. I feel like a pet, or a room mate, or a guest. I don't think a lifetime of wiring can all be undone and this is a place it shows up for me. A compromise is staying over and making myself at home there on certain nights of the week, and going back to my place on the other nights when he's busy anyway. It works for us. Perhaps some kind of part time live-in arrangement can soothe you, where you have your home and a room mate but cab enjoy the relationship in her space too. IdK the ins and outs of that for your particular situation... but I do urge caution going to a full on cohabitation from the current arrangement. Sometimes triggers have something behind them that aren't just irrational fears... the recent insecurity in the relationship is a factor to respect too, imho. But to navigate it, maintaining your own secure living situation is a gift to yourself, even if it's challenging and you could save money living with her. Don't force it. If the right time comes, you will know and be able to be ready as long as you keep growing in your awareness and healthy living /coping skills.
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Post by cherrycola on Aug 18, 2023 20:59:32 GMT
introvert has a great point. There has been some instability for you recently. Additionally moving in together because the long distance is getting to be too much is not always the best reason. It is forcing something to happen maybe sooner than it would organically. I didn't consider the angle of, if things don't work out between you and her, then where do you go? That would be really scary if you have always been in a situation where you need to find shared rentals. So in addition to the option of her renting out and you finding a rental together. Maybe you find something either short or open termed where you can move closer to her and see how things play out when you close that distance.
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Post by introvert on Aug 18, 2023 21:09:29 GMT
Yeah we avoidants are ten steps ahead being sure we are good if things don't work out, and that's not been a bad thing for me. Growing secure can happen with a lot of work, but I don't want to have to risk basic security in terms of shelter and living within my means, in order to have a relationship. I need basic safety and security and then I can show up a whole lot better. That security comes from me mostly. We all need different things but my name on the lease or deed is a must. From there, I can grow. 😉
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Post by mrob on Aug 19, 2023 1:55:47 GMT
I have tips… but none of them are good. This one is my big one as well.
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Post by seeking on Aug 20, 2023 12:45:04 GMT
I guess my thought, which may not be helpful, is that you were having a lot of concerns about the relationship and the longevity of it. Is that still a concern? It would certainly inform things amid moving in together.
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Post by krolle on Aug 26, 2023 12:48:38 GMT
Thank you for the feedback guys. I appreciate the contrasting views. And I agree it is interesting how the same situation can be interpreted very differently by different people.
Regarding the her space vs our space thing then I think that's actually quiet low on the priority list for me. She has made me feel very welcome at her place so far in our relationship. She has carved out a space I can call my man cave. And even helped me furnish it with tools and whatnot. And I have never gotten the vibe from her this far that anything reasonable is off limits in her house to me.
Far more of an problem is my issues with people and need for autonomy/solitude. If I were to say I had any "main quest" in my life it has been really to feel autonomous/ capable/ self-reliant. Of course I see the difficulty of forming a healthy relationship like that. But it's who I am. I get quickly exhausted and overwhelmed if I'm not able to be alone frequently and for extended periods. My guess is that's a combination of introversion, ASD, avoidance and some level of accumulated interpersonal trauma.
However I do feel a little fear about putting my "shelter" in the control of someone else effectively as Introvert put it. Like her, I have done this before with disastrous consequences. When I first joined the forum and was venting about my BPD ex, a huge source of trauma was that I had to escape the madness, but had nowhere to go, in the middle of winter. And it was effectively her place. The feeling of being trapped and persecuted was a sense of hopelessness which is hard to describe. I mostly left my consciousness behind and don't remember a large part of that year.
One thing that is mitigating that is I'm already in a cohabiting situation now with a house mate, and I'm not happy with it anyway. So I guess I'm somewhat thinking "what do I have to lose".
I absolutely agree with you guys that it's really important to have your own sense of safety before diving deeper into the relationship. But unfortunately it's a big decision I'm going to have to make soon. We are both feeling that the distance is unsustainable, and has been a large contributing factor to the strain in our relationship recently. I can tell it's getting close to make or break time. But it would be very difficult to just call the whole thing off because I have some doubts. And of course the fear of abandonment is really sharpe in my mind at the thought of that.
But financially I don't have the option to simply move closer to her.
It's a very stressful thing to face. I have the sensation of clastrophobia no doubt triggered by my avoidant side.
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Post by introvert on Aug 26, 2023 13:39:22 GMT
I understand and empathize with all you've written here, krolle. If cohabiting is the best route to continue developing your relationship, perhaps a gentle but candid conversation with her to express your vulnerabilities? Just so you don't have your concerns and needs bottled up inside ready to explode any time you get triggered. Also, maybe you can develop a good financial strategy of saving some of your money and growing your own little nest egg, as a support for your own autonomy and financial independence? Just trying to find ways for you to make a practical choice for the relationship while acknowledging and embracing your needs for independence and self-reliance. Also, having an agreement in place for what happens if the arrangement proves to be problematic. In my case, I established that if we chose not to continue the relationship, I would maintain rights as a tenant for a reasonable period of time ... meaning no "eviction" of me in the heat of the moment, no emergency regarding shelter. Having the conversation helped me feel that I represent my own needs well, and established a sense of having a mature and reasonable agreement in place should we need to part ways. Some would say that is sabotaging and creating doubt, I say it's just fair and practical. We all have to have a plan B, because sometimes, many times, things don't turn out as we would like them to. |
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Post by krolle on Aug 31, 2023 8:12:30 GMT
I understand and empathize with all you've written here, krolle. If cohabiting is the best route to continue developing your relationship, perhaps a gentle but candid conversation with her to express your vulnerabilities? Just so you don't have your concerns and needs bottled up inside ready to explode any time you get triggered. Also, maybe you can develop a good financial strategy of saving some of your money and growing your own little nest egg, as a support for your own autonomy and financial independence? Just trying to find ways for you to make a practical choice for the relationship while acknowledging and embracing your needs for independence and self-reliance. Also, having an agreement in place for what happens if the arrangement proves to be problematic. In my case, I established that if we chose not to continue the relationship, I would maintain rights as a tenant for a reasonable period of time ... meaning no "eviction" of me in the heat of the moment, no emergency regarding shelter. Having the conversation helped me feel that I represent my own needs well, and established a sense of having a mature and reasonable agreement in place should we need to part ways. Some would say that is sabotaging and creating doubt, I say it's just fair and practical. We all have to have a plan B, because sometimes, many times, things don't turn out as we would like them to. Thank-you for the validation. And the sound advice. She has already suggested some practical agreements, and I agree it's probably for the best if not terribly romantic. Aside from one or 2 "tolerable" red flags. She has been largely reasonable. The problems are mostly mine. Simply, the relationship has done what they always do in the nervous system of an FA. It has gone from honeymoon, to deterioration. Once a source of comfort, now of fear and added stress. Of course, this is a well documented pattern in FA. Good starters and Ender's... no ability to achieve anything sustainable. |
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Post by seeking on Aug 31, 2023 12:53:37 GMT
I understand and empathize with all you've written here, krolle . If cohabiting is the best route to continue developing your relationship, perhaps a gentle but candid conversation with her to express your vulnerabilities? Just so you don't have your concerns and needs bottled up inside ready to explode any time you get triggered. Also, maybe you can develop a good financial strategy of saving some of your money and growing your own little nest egg, as a support for your own autonomy and financial independence? Just trying to find ways for you to make a practical choice for the relationship while acknowledging and embracing your needs for independence and self-reliance. Also, having an agreement in place for what happens if the arrangement proves to be problematic. In my case, I established that if we chose not to continue the relationship, I would maintain rights as a tenant for a reasonable period of time ... meaning no "eviction" of me in the heat of the moment, no emergency regarding shelter. Having the conversation helped me feel that I represent my own needs well, and established a sense of having a mature and reasonable agreement in place should we need to part ways. Some would say that is sabotaging and creating doubt, I say it's just fair and practical. We all have to have a plan B, because sometimes, many times, things don't turn out as we would like them to. Thank-you for the validation. And the sound advice. She has already suggested some practical agreements, and I agree it's probably for the best if not terribly romantic. Aside from one or 2 "tolerable" red flags. She has been largely reasonable. The problems are mostly mine. Simply, the relationship has done what they always do in the nervous system of an FA. It has gone from honeymoon, to deterioration. Once a source of comfort, now of fear and added stress. Of course, this is a well documented pattern in FA. Good starters and Ender's... no ability to achieve anything sustainable. I relate to this so much. While I'm not necessarily condoning co-habitation - that's all up to you and I think you still have some legit concerns about her behaviors (from previous post).... know that the brain is predictive. And with FA we have hypervigilance around being hurt in relationship. So the brain will always get stirred up and aggravated the closer we get. There's a way that you can "retrain" this like you would a reactive dog or a scared-to-death toddler. You be the safe parent to those parts of you. i.e., "we're just going to go slow. I'll be right here" My take, though, is you both have work to do to be safe parents (to yourselves)- she on her codependency/coping strategies/boundaries and you on being self-sufficient and confident - i.e., if you did have self-sufficiency (i.e., money in the bank so that if things don't work out, you have a back-up) you can say to your parts "I've got this. We'll try this out and take it one step at a time." But right now that might be harder to do because the adult in the room is having trouble with self-sufficiency (which is part of healing). When you are both able to lead with functional adult selves and you have your witness on board for the parts that are scared and traumatized, things go much more smoothly. I don't meant this as judgement in any way! Just sharing from my own experience. |
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