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Post by heretogrow on Nov 14, 2023 11:53:24 GMT
Alexandra which test do you use for measuring secure style?
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Post by alexandra on Nov 14, 2023 15:19:38 GMT
I generally recommend either this one for a detailed breakdown: dianepooleheller.com/attachment-test/ Or this one (option A requires an email sign-up in case you want to track your progress, option B doesn't require anything and you can leave demographic info blank if you want): www.web-research-design.net/cgi-bin/crq/crq.pl |
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Post by alexandra on Nov 14, 2023 15:29:04 GMT
Just a note, I clicked through the first Diane Poole link and it now forwards the url. Looks like they overhauled the quiz, so it still works just fine but they rebalanced the percentages and now tell you an overall attachment style in addition to the slices per style. So, the comment I made about 65% isn't relevant anymore since the scale is different now.
I also like the second link because with option A it's easy to track your progress, and it breaks down your attachment to different attachment figures in your life plus overall style.
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Post by heretogrow on Nov 14, 2023 19:54:28 GMT
Totally makes sense. I think you do have to address the old trauma and old beliefs. But to eradicate it as if no trace…I don’t know about that. I think it’s still a part of us. |
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Post by sunrisequest on Nov 14, 2023 20:13:07 GMT
I have done some structured study around attachment, Diane Poole Heller was one of the tutors actually on some of the sessions... was very interesting.
The way a lot of the experts talked about attachment was different to the way we often see it portrayed in social media. The way that many tutors talked about it was that we ALL have anxious and avoidant traits, and that actually there are some scenarios where bringing these traits in are actually helpful to a particular scenario... for instance, if someone is acting in a way that feels unsafe, we may use avoidant tactics to deal with that situation in a way that protects ourselves and those around us.
It's 100% possible to change and move and shift our attachment patterns, and in fact, they often do naturally over time based on our adult experiences. The goal isn't to be 100% secure, it's to embrace your unique humanness and individual strengths, but work towards more secure ways of relating to others. The rigid labelling of one style or another can also be quite limiting and not very helpful in terms of healing and changing old patterns. Because we believe we fit into a box.
They talked a lot about disorganised attachment being the one that is associated with the most trauma, and so often needs more therapeutic intervention, and there are many therapies that are more suited to help than others...
They basically talked about it being a much more fluid thing than we are often led to believe, and that there are good as well as difficult aspects of our anxious and avoidant tendencies. But a lot of our early attachment is deeply ingrained from the first few years, and determines the way we interact with the whole world, not just in relationships. But attachment relates to our experience of the whole environment around us, not just our parents.
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Post by alexandra on Nov 14, 2023 22:00:41 GMT
Totally makes sense. I think you do have to address the old trauma and old beliefs. But to eradicate it as if no trace…I don’t know about that. I think it’s still a part of us. You remember it, but you're no longer driven by it. You just have a different perspective and don't keep replaying the same scripts, which means you respond to things differently. Usually because you're no longer acting involuntarily from a place of fear and disconnection from self. It also means you will end up needing time to get to know yourself again as you heal and increase your security, because you can no longer predict your own reactions to things. But that's a temporary transition period. |
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sorgin
Junior Member
Posts: 69
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Post by sorgin on Nov 15, 2023 20:31:29 GMT
I have done some structured study around attachment, Diane Poole Heller was one of the tutors actually on some of the sessions... was very interesting. The way a lot of the experts talked about attachment was different to the way we often see it portrayed in social media. The way that many tutors talked about it was that we ALL have anxious and avoidant traits, and that actually there are some scenarios where bringing these traits in are actually helpful to a particular scenario... for instance, if someone is acting in a way that feels unsafe, we may use avoidant tactics to deal with that situation in a way that protects ourselves and those around us. It's 100% possible to change and move and shift our attachment patterns, and in fact, they often do naturally over time based on our adult experiences. The goal isn't to be 100% secure, it's to embrace your unique humanness and individual strengths, but work towards more secure ways of relating to others. The rigid labelling of one style or another can also be quite limiting and not very helpful in terms of healing and changing old patterns. Because we believe we fit into a box. They talked a lot about disorganised attachment being the one that is associated with the most trauma, and so often needs more therapeutic intervention, and there are many therapies that are more suited to help than others... They basically talked about it being a much more fluid thing than we are often led to believe, and that there are good as well as difficult aspects of our anxious and avoidant tendencies. But a lot of our early attachment is deeply ingrained from the first few years, and determines the way we interact with the whole world, not just in relationships. But attachment relates to our experience of the whole environment around us, not just our parents. That would explain why I have the feeling that a lot more than a 5% of the population is FA. I also tend to surround myself with other FAs so I might be biased. |
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Post by sunrisequest on Nov 18, 2023 21:39:47 GMT
I have done some structured study around attachment, Diane Poole Heller was one of the tutors actually on some of the sessions... was very interesting. The way a lot of the experts talked about attachment was different to the way we often see it portrayed in social media. The way that many tutors talked about it was that we ALL have anxious and avoidant traits, and that actually there are some scenarios where bringing these traits in are actually helpful to a particular scenario... for instance, if someone is acting in a way that feels unsafe, we may use avoidant tactics to deal with that situation in a way that protects ourselves and those around us. It's 100% possible to change and move and shift our attachment patterns, and in fact, they often do naturally over time based on our adult experiences. The goal isn't to be 100% secure, it's to embrace your unique humanness and individual strengths, but work towards more secure ways of relating to others. The rigid labelling of one style or another can also be quite limiting and not very helpful in terms of healing and changing old patterns. Because we believe we fit into a box. They talked a lot about disorganised attachment being the one that is associated with the most trauma, and so often needs more therapeutic intervention, and there are many therapies that are more suited to help than others... They basically talked about it being a much more fluid thing than we are often led to believe, and that there are good as well as difficult aspects of our anxious and avoidant tendencies. But a lot of our early attachment is deeply ingrained from the first few years, and determines the way we interact with the whole world, not just in relationships. But attachment relates to our experience of the whole environment around us, not just our parents. That would explain why I have the feeling that a lot more than a 5% of the population is FA. I also tend to surround myself with other FAs so I might be biased. It's apparently also a thing to be triggered into a temporary state of 'fearful avoidance', where it's not your baseline attachment, but something traumatic happens in your life, maybe a divorce, some kind of abuse, or very difficult relationship, and you can end up with a disorganised way of showing up in relationship after that, but it will eventually melt away with the right environment and supports. I don't think attachment is the full story in lots of relational dynamics. There's a lot that affects it. Environment, community, experiences we have as adults, think of people in war-torn countries, and their ability to be in relationship after that. It's not just what happens in the first few years of life. In answer to the original question of whether there are success stories for FAs, I hang out a bit in spaces where there's a lot of discussion around attachment, read comments etc, and I do see stories of those with fearful avoidant attachment where someone is able to work through their issues and stay. Same as BPD, which shows up in similar ways to FA in relationships (incidentally, ADHD and CPTSD also have very similar overlapping symptoms)... it's more than possible. But it does seem to take a certain cocktail of factors, mainly the affected person seeing what their limitations are, and making the decision to commit regardless, knowing it will be challenging and being ready to meet those challenges. Sometimes it can be worked out in relationship to another, and sometimes it can't. It's less to do with the partner on the other side and them being the perfect person, which is what shows up in AP partners and what they think the answer is. |
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Post by heretogrow on Nov 19, 2023 13:19:22 GMT
Makes perfect sense. Thanks for weighing in.
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