Lola
Junior Member
Posts: 71 
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Post by Lola on Jan 14, 2018 19:48:15 GMT
Hey! I think this is totally insane how your childhood interactions with caregivers should influence your love life. There is merit and reasons why. It makes sense. However, the lack of control when activated, questioning your own mental capabilities and losing ground after every fight is utter bullshit. I want this thread to be of people who wish to rule themselves rather than have childhood trauma rule you.
I have found some tricks that work and I hope to pass them on to free people from activation. Clearly, this is embedded and stays, yet shouldn't stop us from regaining control of ourselves.
PS. If you're going to write "you can't get out of this" you'll probably be never freed from this and are staying a victim. Let's hustle.
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Post by kristyrose on Jan 16, 2018 3:36:41 GMT
Hi eiylee,
I was just thinking the very same thing recent. I'm so sick of being an AP!
I've been in therapy for 6 years and have recently started EMDR last summer. I am slowly making my way to being Secure, but of course struggle with my FA ex. We have been together almost 3 years at this point, he broke up with me after 2 yrs, saying we fought too much, then came back about a month later. We have been together since, but he will not say we are back together. I told him we need to talk, its been 8 months of dating again and this is utter bullshit.
Today I lazed around the house not feeling well, then the anxious thoughts kicked in around the early evening. I sent him a text asking about his day and got a curt answer 2 hrs later that he wasn't productive at work and was now going to the gym. - i felt anxious, but then realized he has done this since I have known him! the only consistent thing about him is his daily routine, every monday eve he goes to the gym, his deactivating strategies after we spend the weekend together, and our push/pull cycle. So, I'm working on tending to my own needs tonight and not engaging with him when he's like this. I keep hoping as I work towards secure I will walk away.
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Lola
Junior Member
Posts: 71
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Post by Lola on Jan 16, 2018 11:17:29 GMT
I feel you. My family is going through a divorce, court, and some family members are sick. I became very depressed due to this and you know what my DA boyfriend does? Threatens to leave me. Because I got activated. I was feeling bad, but he made it so much worse, that I wanted to end my life.
DAs are parasites to APs, just like APs are parasites to DAs.
We don't match.
Unless you are forced to be with him or something ask yourself; is that who you want to marry? If you marry and you get sick what would he do? If you get children do you think he'd help you raise them? If you were married how long do you think it will last?
Ask yourself all of these uncomfortable questions and suddenly you see the man behind the curtain. Yeah APs are pains in the ass, but so are DAs. Is this really worth it?
I almost ended my life because of my boyfriends abandonment, which hurt so much that it made me see no point in living. That's fucked up.
He said things like "you're not 5, take care of yourself"
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 16, 2018 12:37:21 GMT
I feel you. My family is going through a divorce, court, and some family members are sick. I became very depressed due to this and you know what my DA boyfriend does? Threatens to leave me. Because I got activated. I was feeling bad, but he made it so much worse, that I wanted to end my life. DAs are parasites to APs, just like APs are parasites to DAs. We don't match. Unless you are forced to be with him or something ask yourself; is that who you want to marry? If you marry and you get sick what would he do? If you get children do you think he'd help you raise them? If you were married how long do you think it will last? Ask yourself all of these uncomfortable questions and suddenly you see the man behind the curtain. Yeah APs are pains in the ass, but so are DAs. Is this really worth it? I almost ended my life because of my boyfriends abandonment, which hurt so much that it made me see no point in living. That's fucked up. He said things like "you're not 5, take care of yourself" Eiylee.....your ex sounds like he has Narcissitic tendencies....I am so sorry he wasn't there to support you. That was incredibly insensitive and childish on his part. I know exactly what you are saying about getting to the point where you don't see any value in living. I went through that as well and you are right...considering ending your life because someone else isn't able to be there for you as a partner is messed up. I am so glad that you did not follow through on that and that you are here and sharing what you are doing to get stronger.  . And you are right...we are more than our attachment style. |
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Lola
Junior Member
Posts: 71
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Post by Lola on Jan 16, 2018 20:23:19 GMT
Yeah, he probably is. The saddest thing is that I love him so much and want to help him heal, but just like DAs typically do this is sensed as threat or manipulation. He doesn't see that now it's me that needs help. After this it's like I'm numb. He once said he doesn't understand feelings because he had to turn them off to survive... I think I get it now. I don't feel a thing and then just for like 5 min once in a couple of days they come back and it's so uncomfortable. I just want him to be fine. Yet I completely neglect myself trying to cater for him. BUT enough of that shit. No more rules, no more self neglect. Success and not giving a shit is said to be the best thing you can do. So I'm doing it. I'll change the fucking world  Or die trying  |
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sam
Junior Member
Posts: 60
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Post by sam on Jan 17, 2018 14:28:50 GMT
Yeah, he probably is. The saddest thing is that I love him so much and want to help him heal, but just like DAs typically do this is sensed as threat or manipulation. He doesn't see that now it's me that needs help. After this it's like I'm numb. He once said he doesn't understand feelings because he had to turn them off to survive... I think I get it now. I don't feel a thing and then just for like 5 min once in a couple of days they come back and it's so uncomfortable. I just want him to be fine. Yet I completely neglect myself trying to cater for him. BUT enough of that shit. No more rules, no more self neglect. Success and not giving a shit is said to be the best thing you can do. So I'm doing it. I'll change the fucking world Or die trying To quickly jump in on this, I never wanted to kill myself but I did used to say to my ex.......if I died you would just say ‘oh well, it is what it is’ or if I got a serious illness I’d say to him that he would just go to the pub and leav me on my own. Also when my grandmother died he said I was using her death as an excuse to sulk! |
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Lola
Junior Member
Posts: 71
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Post by Lola on Jan 17, 2018 16:04:46 GMT
Yeah, he probably is. The saddest thing is that I love him so much and want to help him heal, but just like DAs typically do this is sensed as threat or manipulation. He doesn't see that now it's me that needs help. After this it's like I'm numb. He once said he doesn't understand feelings because he had to turn them off to survive... I think I get it now. I don't feel a thing and then just for like 5 min once in a couple of days they come back and it's so uncomfortable. I just want him to be fine. Yet I completely neglect myself trying to cater for him. BUT enough of that shit. No more rules, no more self neglect. Success and not giving a shit is said to be the best thing you can do. So I'm doing it. I'll change the fucking world Or die trying To quickly jump in on this, I never wanted to kill myself but I did used to say to my ex.......if I died you would just say ‘oh well, it is what it is’ or if I got a serious illness I’d say to him that he would just go to the pub and leav me on my own. Also when my grandmother died he said I was using her death as an excuse to sulk! That's really immature. He wouldn't say that to anyone else. Or more people would hate on him |
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Post by leavethelighton on Feb 12, 2018 1:09:59 GMT
YOu can learn conscious awareness and new patterns of communication and behavior. I am finding the books by Harville Hendrix and Helen Hunt to be an interesting model for how this could happen.
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Post by cricket on Feb 15, 2018 16:46:24 GMT
I want to stop falling apart whenever my DA leaves. I want to stop romanticising my feelings for him too.
There are other people out there that would make us feel just as good but have the emotional maturity we deserve. I want to let that in. But for now all I see is him.
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Post by Jaeger on Feb 15, 2018 19:26:05 GMT
I want to stop falling apart whenever my DA leaves. I want to stop romanticising my feelings for him too. There are other people out there that would make us feel just as good but have the emotional maturity we deserve. I want to let that in. But for now all I see is him. You're in the detoxification phase; AP/DA interactions have been shown to cause a similar dependency as drug use in the AP partner. This is due to something called intermittent reinforcement and the effect that this has on the brain. It's also what can cause a normally different attachment style to move more towards AP patterns. I've posted on this a while ago here; jebkinnison.boards.net/thread/408/why-hard-leave-relationship |
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Post by cricket on Feb 15, 2018 20:35:06 GMT
I want to stop falling apart whenever my DA leaves. I want to stop romanticising my feelings for him too. There are other people out there that would make us feel just as good but have the emotional maturity we deserve. I want to let that in. But for now all I see is him. You're in the detoxification phase; AP/DA interactions have been shown to cause a similar dependency as drug use in the AP partner. This is due to something called intermittent reinforcement and the effect that this has on the brain. It's also what can cause a normally different attachment style to move more towards AP patterns. I've posted on this a while ago here; jebkinnison.boards.net/thread/408/why-hard-leave-relationshipThank you. That was helpful. Yup I read about intermittent reinforcement. I have done so much work on my self esteem and my relationship w myself I just can't believe I'm still in this cycle. And is it even a cycle? Maybe this time he will stay away and that will end the cycle. I'm tired of the struggle. |
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Post by Jaeger on Feb 15, 2018 20:44:02 GMT
Maybe this time he will stay away and that will end the cycle. I think this is the crux of the matter. You know from experience how likely that is to happen. To my mind, it will take a decision from you and the subsequent follow through after that to end the cycle. I wish you much wisdom in deciding how to proceed. |
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Post by tnr9 on Mar 10, 2018 20:16:57 GMT
Maybe this time he will stay away and that will end the cycle. I think this is the crux of the matter. You know from experience how likely that is to happen. To my mind, it will take a decision from you and the subsequent follow through after that to end the cycle. I wish you much wisdom in deciding how to proceed. But here is the thing...that "high" Jaeger that I get when I hear from him.....it makes everything ok....and I try to milk it for as long as I possibly can....the withdrawal sucks...I can't even adequately describe the depth of that low...so yes...I am a B junkie who is trying to recover while still seeing him once a week. Not an ideal recovery scenario. |
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. And you are right...we are more than our attachment style.
