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Post by yasmin on Jan 22, 2018 9:16:09 GMT
You really do have to walk away. The only reason he's treating this way is because you're accepting it. I know it's hard
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 22, 2018 11:06:42 GMT
I told him had he just told me, we could have worked it out together. He looked at me for a long time and said that he could see so much expression on my face and in my eyes. That he liked seeing that and that I was glowing.
OMG....after my ex broke up with me and we were driving back to where his car was parked...at one point he told me "your face looks so pretty. You are glowing". I am not kidding...gah...is there some kind of rule book out there that provides lines for these guys....I too was having a serious conversation because I did not understand after 10.5 months of dating, why all of a sudden our age difference was an issue. I swear it was like a slight of hand move...don't pay attention over there...look at this compliment I am giving to you, I am glad you are through....hopefully it shakes him to his core. Your situation sheds new light on mine. You deserve so much more.
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Post by kristyrose on Jan 22, 2018 19:09:22 GMT
You really do have to walk away. The only reason he's treating this way is because you're accepting it. I know it's hard Yeah, there is really nothing left for me with him. He said that it's all in my hands whether or not I want to still see him, that he could stop being physical and just hang out if that means we can be friends. He is so wedded to us being friends. It's so odd how one can go from acting like a couple to just being friends overnight. I stressed to him that I can't do that. He said well if cutting off contact for a time to think of it helps, I can do that too. So, I thought he might want to explore where we are if it meant losing me, but he doesn't seem to even care about that. I think when I just stop all communication with him, he will let me this time. I do not think he will come back because he has his mind set on us not being together. Oddly though my first time going NC with him, he struggled and told me how hard it was, how much pain he was in, don't know if he forgot or just doesn't care anymore now if I go away. |
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Post by yasmin on Jan 22, 2018 19:15:16 GMT
The thing is that he thinks you're going to accept what he offers so unless you go no contact then he doesn't have anything to lose
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Post by kristyrose on Jan 22, 2018 19:19:58 GMT
I'm probably just afraid he will never come back. but, like u mentioned before, at least I will know either way and can keep moving on.
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 22, 2018 20:00:09 GMT
You really do have to walk away. The only reason he's treating this way is because you're accepting it. I know it's hard Yeah, there is really nothing left for me with him. He said that it's all in my hands whether or not I want to still see him, that he could stop being physical and just hang out if that means we can be friends. He is so wedded to us being friends. It's so odd how one can go from acting like a couple to just being friends overnight. I stressed to him that I can't do that. He said well if cutting off contact for a time to think of it helps, I can do that too. So, I thought he might want to explore where we are if it meant losing me, but he doesn't seem to even care about that. I think when I just stop all communication with him, he will let me this time. I do not think he will come back because he has his mind set on us not being together. Oddly though my first time going NC with him, he struggled and told me how hard it was, how much pain he was in, don't know if he forgot or just doesn't care anymore now if I go away. I find his comment of cutting off contact for a time to think of it help, that you can do that so interesting. First he seems assured that your time away will be limited and that you will go back to him and two...how kind of him to say you can have that time.  . I agree that I don't think he sees this as a loss yet because he hasn't lost you before. I bet he will reach out because he won't know what to do with your silence...you won't be playing the game the way he expects you to. |
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Post by kristyrose on Jan 22, 2018 20:17:47 GMT
Yeah, I think both you and Yasmin are right. NC is really the only way to take care of myself regardless of what he does anyway. I'm still thinking he will just let me go because despite him asking to spend the day together and we did, he is still quite firm at least verbally on us being friends. If I tell I'm going NC and that he can reach out only if he wants to explore a relationship, then he will stay away.
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Post by Lucy1 on Jan 22, 2018 22:28:04 GMT
Ah, there is always something else happening isnt there. I am glad you had another chat, that in a way it went better. Its up to you how to go from here. Its important to take much time to yourself to heal.
One thing I was just thinking about is the way he must have made you feel good about yourself, asking if you wanted to continue spending time together that day, putting his arm around you etc.
My other chat with my ex (?) Was much better not because he changed his mind on the friends thing (well, he was kind of all over the place, wont go into that now) but because he was much more affectionate, and it left me with a good feeling about myself. I know one shouldnt seek appreciation about onself from someone else...but lets face it...its a good feeling if someone else wants to spend time with you and touch you. In a way it makes the rejection easier to deal with.
Anyway, hope you'll be ok
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Post by kristyrose on Jan 23, 2018 3:31:25 GMT
Hi Lucy,
yes, it went a bit better in terms of getting some more closure I needed. I felt he didn't care, but talking face to face again and looking into his eyes, I see he does and was struggling even then to hide it.
It did make me feel good, but I also realized some of what he does, or most is self-serving. So I think he did it in part to soothe his own guilt and feel better about things. I do agree though that it feels good in the moment. He insisted on paying for dinner, he insisted on picking up some coffee for me and paying for it on the way home... these things I think, help soothe his own guilt and are less about me.
thank you so much for the supportive comments :-)
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 24, 2018 1:28:54 GMT
Hi Lucy, yes, it went a bit better in terms of getting some more closure I needed. I felt he didn't care, but talking face to face again and looking into his eyes, I see he does and was struggling even then to hide it. It did make me feel good, but I also realized some of what he does, or most is self-serving. So I think he did it in part to soothe his own guilt and feel better about things. I do agree though that it feels good in the moment. He insisted on paying for dinner, he insisted on picking up some coffee for me and paying for it on the way home... these things I think, help soothe his own guilt and are less about me. thank you so much for the supportive comments :-) Hi kristyrose, i can empathize regarding the part where the things he does is self-serving to soothe his own guilt. my own DA is especially nice to me this trip as i'm relocating, but it's really... to me, inauthentic. takes a relocation for you to be nice and spend mealtimes with me? but of course, no interest in discussing plans for maintaining the relationship after I move. Hope you're feeling better! |
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Post by yasmin on Jan 24, 2018 8:40:48 GMT
Yeah, I think both you and Yasmin are right. NC is really the only way to take care of myself regardless of what he does anyway. I'm still thinking he will just let me go because despite him asking to spend the day together and we did, he is still quite firm at least verbally on us being friends. If I tell I'm going NC and that he can reach out only if he wants to explore a relationship, then he will stay away. Don't tell him that. Just tell him you want space and wall away. Stop returning his messages, don't see him, start looking at others to date. Don't give him an ultimatum with words...show him with actions that he's lost you. If he doesn't come back you only lost someone who wants to treat you badly and won't change. If he does come back it will be with new respect |
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Post by Jaeger on Jan 24, 2018 9:10:36 GMT
Yeah, I think both you and Yasmin are right. NC is really the only way to take care of myself regardless of what he does anyway. I'm still thinking he will just let me go because despite him asking to spend the day together and we did, he is still quite firm at least verbally on us being friends. If I tell I'm going NC and that he can reach out only if he wants to explore a relationship, then he will stay away. Don't tell him that. Just tell him you want space and wall away. Stop returning his messages, don't see him, start looking at others to date. Don't give him an ultimatum with words...show him with actions that he's lost you. If he doesn't come back you only lost someone who wants to treat you badly and won't change. If he does come back it will be with new respect I agree to a certain point. Walk away? Yes, but not to 'show him' anything. All these things will not bring you peace of mind if you're doing them to get a certain reaction from him. Aside from the fact that it's manipulative in nature, you'd be making the steps you take about him again, increasing his hold on you. Any action you take should be about you right now, to get to a place of healing. When that is all done, you can decide critically how to proceed. You're not distancing to get a reaction out of him, you're distancing for your own good. |
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Post by yasmin on Jan 24, 2018 10:20:50 GMT
I don't think it's manipulative; I think it's basic action > reaction. If you've tried using words to explain to someone that the way they are behaving is hurting you and they don't want to listen then I think walking away is the option you have left.
Don't do it to get a reaction.... do it to get a change. The change is for Kristy. She no longer is enduring hurtful behaviour.
If he wants to change that's great but the main thing is her saying "this is not ok" and showing she means it.
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lucy
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Post by lucy on Jan 24, 2018 13:27:34 GMT
I agree with Jaeger.
Walk away because you want to walk away. Because its what you want, not to hope for some kind of reaction or so.
Thats also my opinion on NC.
When my ex and I broke up I did NC for myself for a bit, because I needed space to heal for myself. Then got back in touch when I was ready again. Our last conversation I told him same thing again. You need to be most aware of your own needs...cant influence anyone else at the end of the day
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Post by kristyrose on Jan 24, 2018 18:42:23 GMT
Hi everyone,
Yesterday I just spent some time crying and trying to be with how I'm feeling. I really appreciate the different points on view and advice on here. If I'm honest with myself, going NC would be to see if he will come back to me.
I think I just need to first accept the reality of things. He is able to act as friends, take away the physical stuff and keep me around while he "lives his life"- meaning, he will hang out with me but find someone else and then stop talking to me. I'm just a source of comfort, not someone he can see himself being with anymore.
This is very painful because his actions told such a different story. I'm trying to understand and realize that despite that, his perspective was different than mine. I felt romantic closeness, he just felt perhaps comfort but nothing more. I will honestly never know at this point what he felt, all I can do now is deal with the reality. He doesn't want me. I truly thought this talk would help bring us closer, but deep down I knew the risk in it ending things permanently.
I have done NC with him twice, both times he came back and both times it was agony for me. I'm trying to figure out the best way forward and instead of declaring anything to him, I think I will just stand still for now and try to process what has happened. I feel like I was turned over my head and shaken around, I just need my bearings.
He mentioned feeling trapped sometimes, now I feel trapped.
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. I agree that I don't think he sees this as a loss yet because he hasn't lost you before. I bet he will reach out because he won't know what to do with your silence...you won't be playing the game the way he expects you to.
