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Post by Deleted on Jan 28, 2018 23:12:17 GMT
Well, this is going to sound terribly sluttish I’m afraid, tgat, but I’m hoping that even if we can’t work out our emotional stuff completely, that he and I will be able to get together physically. We have both said that we’ve never been with another person that we’ve instinctively trusted so much *physically.* I mean... the sex was pretty stellar. I will be extremely sad to let that go. Especially since neither of us is in a place where we want a real heavy relationship right now. That man can light my fire like literally no one else ever. I TOTALLY get that. TOTALLY. My ex DA and i talked about that and agreed that we have moved beyond the point of being able to sustain casual involvement, and the only way to keep t good would be to jointly find stability and growth. Now, for two avoidants that isn’t an automatic green light for reconciliation. I am sitting back to see if he makes time for dinner and follows through with that. If so, I will go. If not, this work i am doing here is so nourishing to me i don’t feel hungry for him. i love him but don’t need him and don’t need to backtrack on what i am learning about myself. This whole process is really satisfying to me. |
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Post by madamebovary on Jan 28, 2018 23:26:34 GMT
Yeah, I think for him, this NC period will be a way for me to show that I can rein in that dependency. I think you’re correct on that. He was very forthcoming about telling me he liked my feelings and didn’t want me to change that, but that he was starting to feel like he couldn’t give me what he felt I needed. It didn’t start that way... but when my kookoo kicked in... I think he did sense a lot of neediness in me, even though I was SAYING I wasn’t... I was texting like mad and getting sullen (so manipulative... it annoys me to even know I’m like that) and trying more and more things to illicit a response. Hopefully this will act as a reset of sorts. I don’t know. Either way, I feel like I’m learning so much, about myself and about him. It’s been very cathartic.
Learn better, do better, I guess. 🤷🏻♀️
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Post by Deleted on Jan 28, 2018 23:32:11 GMT
yes, and if you get triggered and want to text like mad just come here and post and get some support.
just practice changing the automatic reaction. small changes can add up and you might get some positive reinforcement from him if he feels better about the exchanges.
like i’ve mentioned, i have been in your shoes and it stung to “come down” from my trigger and read my texts. 🤮
so we just pick ourselves up and determine what we can do to support positive changes in ourselves.
make a plan and execute it, you can make progress that way, i know you can.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 28, 2018 23:45:00 GMT
Ironically, Mary, he is actually less of the rule person than I am. I volunteered a two week NC hiatus to give him some space to breathe because I could see that my AP tendencies were spiraling... you know the push/pull. He pulls out a little, I push in, and it goes from there. But he’s very loose, in general. It was that grey area that was hard for me to stomach. He likes to play things by ear and “go with the flow.” He would never give me anything firm. That made me a little crazy, which made me push, and him pull back. I emailed him and said I could tell things were escalating in our push/pull dance, I’ll give you two weeks without me to try to figure out your feelings or whatever... just give you space. Three days in, I texted I missed him, he texted back “I miss you too” but when I jumped on that and said “does that mean we can quit NC early?” Well... he never responded. That’s not a good sign. So I think I’m going to adhere to our original agreement and go from there. I did warn him, when we got together, that my feelings are big and intense and scary even to me. I LOVE big. I told him I was like Doug the dog from up... I meet people and basically jump in their lap and go “I HAVE JUST MET YOU.... AND I LOVE YOU” He always accepted it... I think maybe just with some work stuff going on... I overwhelmed him. Ah, Yes, sounds like me a bit. I definitely like to play it by ear. The problem for me, is that I don't always know how I will feel from day to day. I will feel engulfed one day, but can be fine the next or in 2 days time. My bf (now ex), has done what you have as well and given me a "hiatus" when I didn't ask for it. It's tricky, because I do like my space, but I also don't like imposed no contact. Plus he wasn't always right about me needing space at that time. Space, to me, doesn't mean strict no contact. It means less contact, a slower pace. When he did that, it felt to me that he assumed I wanted no contact, when I never said that. Obviously , I have no idea what he is thinking. Hopefully, you both can talk about what you each need and come to a compromise for the future. |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 28, 2018 23:47:37 GMT
Also, madame, i bet he enjoys your emotional nature. My DA enjoyed my emotional openness and big feels. It’s not that we avoidants don’t like that necessarily, it’s a matter of what those big feels demand of us. Even being extremely avoidant, behind his crusty grumpy defense he was one of the most sensitive and endearing people i have ever been involved with. It’s just a matter of the level of dependency. It isn’t emotion that overwhelms me, it’s dependency, or a lack of boundaries. So, so true for me as well! |
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