For Avoidants to speak to: Red Flags and Dealbreakers

I agree, and at one time i was very confused by what might be considered red flags, but as i have become more secure and healthier in relationships i have some real clarity on behaviors that indicate a lack of respect or healthy boundaries.

Each relationship has helped me to evolve that awareness.
So i definitely want to explore that and organize my thoughts around it.

My last seriously ToXiC relationship was with a man who acted AP but also escalated that to dangerous levels with comorbid BPD that became more identifiable over time. I thought that i could just reassure him out of it. He could have killed me with his violence once it escalated there.

But, the early warning signs were similar to AP dysfunctional relating, in terms of his insistence that i take control of his emotional well being and provide for him what he could not provide for himself, let alone me.
There is a lot there to write about.

I have also been involved with avoidants, (most recently, i do not gravitate toward AP styles ) whose behavior i also registered but overlooked because of empathy or a belief that they would like to evolve. but many lacked awareness to even begin and i have been in recovery a long time.

So, while we all have our own behaviors to identify to become healthier, i want to include behaviors that deny or minimize red flags of toxic behaviors in our potential partners.

Biggest red flag is someone who does not respect my boundaries.

It also very much turns me off if he does not have his life together or is afraid to be alone.

Being unkind to himself and others would also break the deal for me.

Curious; If a guy responds badly to a friendly no, it hardly matters if he is NPD or AP, he would be bad news.

An adult relationship on equal footing is not too much to ask for. Particularly when one is happy to be single, why tolerate dysfunction?

:-) I agree completely!
By the way, if you want to talk privately, you are free to send a message.

haha withdrawing for weeks is breaking up.
i don’t know how it could be seen as anything else!
coming back, would be re initiating a broken “relationshit”

taking back, would be volunteering to re-initiate a “relationshit”

darn autocorrect keeps correcting me when i try to type “relationship”

hahahahaha 😂😂😂😂😂

i’m sorry XOff, in starting the thread i was hoping to keep the conversation limited to DA experience of dating. 
without the AP/Da debate.
please read the opening post.

this is for us working on our own issues and discovering what is important to us in our healing and process , as avoidants. 

do you mind moving your post?
its really important to have a place to not argue the dynamic.

the DA question answer forum is another matter but in this thread i am hoping for avoidant recovery space for our own needs.