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Post by cricket on Feb 15, 2018 16:51:26 GMT
Again I let him in when I'm feeling strong and we had a wonderful few weeks and again he abruptly ends it. I swear he conjured a problem up out of thin air and then said he wanted to take a step back cuz he knows he doesn't know how to be in relationships. I'm glad he is having some insight but we were getting along so well. I feel utterly heart broken again. I Can't stop crying at work. I feel like life is so bleak and I'm incredibly frustrated with myself for repeating this cycle. I thought I was getting better at relationships but this shows me I am still attracticting the same unhealthy CRAP.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 15, 2018 18:29:24 GMT
Again I let him in when I'm feeling strong and we had a wonderful few weeks and again he abruptly ends it. I swear he conjured a problem up out of thin air and then said he wanted to take a step back cuz he knows he doesn't know how to be in relationships. I'm glad he is having some insight but we were getting along so well. I feel utterly heart broken again. I Can't stop crying at work. I feel like life is so bleak and I'm incredibly frustrated with myself for repeating this cycle. I thought I was getting better at relationships but this shows me I am still attracticting the same unhealthy CRAP. I'm sorry this has happened to you, cricket. I'm starting to feel like I'm toppling backwards myself, after managing a measly three weeks of no contact, we've started talking again. If anything your message will serve as a warning to others (and myself, I hope.) So, let me ask you: Were they really a wonderful few weeks, objectively? Did you wake up every day thinking "this is it, finally it's going to work" or were you still full of the same doubts and anxiety over where you stood in the "relationship?" I ask because each time I went back, I cursed myself as I soon realized I was swapping the pain of yearning and missing her for the oh-so-familiar anxiety of not knowing how long it was going to last this time. I can't know for sure, but I suspect you may be doing our AP thing and letting the immense highs of having them back again completely obscure the daily and frequent moments where you doubt yourself and their motives. I'm sorry. I know how this feels. |
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Post by Jaeger on Feb 15, 2018 19:32:15 GMT
When it comes down to it, this is what happens;
1. Your distancing makes him realize he craves attachment and puts him in pursuit mode: he does his best to please you and make you want to stay.
2. 'Pleasing mode' works and you move back towards him, triggering the alarms in him as governed by his attachment style. He equates the feelings of danger to your proximity and employs distancing strategies to regain control.
(3. Optionally: you close the distance he's trying to create, leading to more pushing behaviour from him until..)
4. You give up on the chase and we're full circle again.
The only question you need to answer is if that's the pattern you want to keep going in your life and you'll have your answer on how to proceed.
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Post by cricket on Feb 15, 2018 20:11:13 GMT
[/quote]I'm sorry this has happened to you, cricket. I'm starting to feel like I'm toppling backwards myself, after managing a measly three weeks of no contact, we've started talking again. If anything your message will serve as a warning to others (and myself, I hope.)
So, let me ask you: Were they really a wonderful few weeks, objectively? Did you wake up every day thinking "this is it, finally it's going to work" or were you still full of the same doubts and anxiety over where you stood in the "relationship?" I ask because each time I went back, I cursed myself as I soon realized I was swapping the pain of yearning and missing her for the oh-so-familiar anxiety of not knowing how long it was going to last this time. I can't know for sure, but I suspect you may be doing our AP thing and letting the immense highs of having them back again completely obscure the daily and frequent moments where you doubt yourself and their motives. I'm sorry. I know how this feels.[/quote]
That's a good question to bring up. I have that this is too good to be true feeling when I'm with him. And yes in the back of my mind I'm wondering how long he will be able to maintain closeness. I feel like we do get closer each time. I feel like he just needs to see he can trust me.
I'm sorry u are experiencing the push n pull too. Do you see any improvement from her so far?
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Post by cricket on Feb 15, 2018 20:20:38 GMT
When it comes down to it, this is what happens; 1. Your distancing majes him realize he craves attachment and puts him in pursuit mode: he does his best to please you and make you want to stay. 2. 'Pleasing mode' works and you move back towards him, triggering the alarms in him as governed by his attachment style. He equates the feelings of danger to your proximity and employs distancing strategies to regain control. (3. Optionally: you close the distance he's trying to create, leading to more pushing behaviour from him until..) 4. You give up on the chase and we're full circle again. The only question you need to answer is if that's the pattern you want to keep going in your life and you'll have your answer on how to proceed. Thank you for this. I really need to have it spelled out like that for me. I guess my brain is stuck right now thinking it has to be possible for thjings to work out or else why would I feel so strongly for him for so long. I rarely get attached to guys and when I do it usually turns into a long term relationship. But I do want to end this cycle. I really do. |
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Post by Jaeger on Feb 15, 2018 20:39:25 GMT
When it comes down to it, this is what happens; 1. Your distancing majes him realize he craves attachment and puts him in pursuit mode: he does his best to please you and make you want to stay. 2. 'Pleasing mode' works and you move back towards him, triggering the alarms in him as governed by his attachment style. He equates the feelings of danger to your proximity and employs distancing strategies to regain control. (3. Optionally: you close the distance he's trying to create, leading to more pushing behaviour from him until..) 4. You give up on the chase and we're full circle again. The only question you need to answer is if that's the pattern you want to keep going in your life and you'll have your answer on how to proceed. Thank you for this. I really need to have it spelled out like that for me. I guess my brain is stuck right now thinking it has to be possible for thjings to work out or else why would I feel so strongly for him for so long. I rarely get attached to guys and when I do it usually turns into a long term relationship. But I do want to end this cycle. I really do. You're very welcome. I feel for you, I really do, but I think you're most served by cold analysis at this time, since bringing emotions into the decision is what you automatically do in this situation and it can keep you distracted from the uncomfortable realities of the situation. Know that whatever you decide, there are great members here to support you with their insights. |
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Post by cricket on Feb 15, 2018 21:12:43 GMT
Thank you for this. I really need to have it spelled out like that for me. I guess my brain is stuck right now thinking it has to be possible for thjings to work out or else why would I feel so strongly for him for so long. I rarely get attached to guys and when I do it usually turns into a long term relationship. But I do want to end this cycle. I really do. You're very welcome. I feel for you, I really do, but I think you're most served by cold analysis at this time, since bringing emotions into the decision is what you automatically do in this situation and it can keep you distracted from the uncomfortable realities of the situation. Know that whatever you decide, there are great members here to support you with their insights. The support here is most appreciated. It eats me up to not know if he really ever cared or not. If he just needs more time to build trust. I seriously am not overwhelming when we are together. I give him space , I don't just want my needs met. I realize we both have issues and I want to grow with someone. I could swear he adores me then he just goes cold turkey. It's so baffling to me. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 15, 2018 23:57:43 GMT
I'm sorry this has happened to you, cricket. I'm starting to feel like I'm toppling backwards myself, after managing a measly three weeks of no contact, we've started talking again. If anything your message will serve as a warning to others (and myself, I hope.) So, let me ask you: Were they really a wonderful few weeks, objectively? Did you wake up every day thinking "this is it, finally it's going to work" or were you still full of the same doubts and anxiety over where you stood in the "relationship?" I ask because each time I went back, I cursed myself as I soon realized I was swapping the pain of yearning and missing her for the oh-so-familiar anxiety of not knowing how long it was going to last this time. I can't know for sure, but I suspect you may be doing our AP thing and letting the immense highs of having them back again completely obscure the daily and frequent moments where you doubt yourself and their motives. I'm sorry. I know how this feels.[/quote] That's a good question to bring up. I have that this is too good to be true feeling when I'm with him. And yes in the back of my mind I'm wondering how long he will be able to maintain closeness. I feel like we do get closer each time. I feel like he just needs to see he can trust me. I'm sorry u are experiencing the push n pull too. Do you see any improvement from her so far?[/quote] - Yeah, I had that "too good to be true" feeling too. Also wondering about the closeness. And after six break-up/push-pull cycles, each time I believed we were getting closer. And for a while you will. But then you get as close as they're willing to let you come, and without a shadow of a doubt, it wasn't enough for me and it won't be for you. Six months it lasted, which seems to be the median for a AP/FA pairing according to everything I've read. No idea why that is such a common time period, but... your mileage may vary. I wish I was where you are now so I could have cut it short. But of course, not being a self-aware AP at the time, I never would have. No guarantees I'd even do it knowing what I was setting myself up for. |
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Post by cricket on Feb 16, 2018 15:42:35 GMT
[/quote]
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Yeah, I had that "too good to be true" feeling too. Also wondering about the closeness. And after six break-up/push-pull cycles, each time I believed we were getting closer. And for a while you will. But then you get as close as they're willing to let you come, and without a shadow of a doubt, it wasn't enough for me and it won't be for you. Six months it lasted, which seems to be the median for a AP/FA pairing according to everything I've read. No idea why that is such a common time period, but... your mileage may vary. I wish I was where you are now so I could have cut it short. But of course, not being a self-aware AP at the time, I never would have. No guarantees I'd even do it knowing what I was setting myself up for.
[/quote]
You're so right. We do get closer each time and that plays tricks on my mind I guess. I view that as progress. If an avoidant just needs to be shown that someone out there really cares then why wouldn't they eventually come around? I guess it just depends on if they are willing to work on that. Avoidant do have relationships that are long term. How do they manage that I wonder? I guess I just have to let it go now because I do deserve someone who cares about me as much as I care about them.
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Post by Jaeger on Feb 16, 2018 15:56:12 GMT
- Avoidant do have relationships that are long term. How do they manage that I wonder? I guess I just have to let it go now because I do deserve someone who cares about me as much as I care about them. I was in a 12 year relationship with one. As to how they did it? In my situation, it required me to let go of most of the things that make me 'me'. Don't express the need for intimacy, attention, understanding, support, boundaries, do not voice disagreements and don't expect support or comfort since it won't be coming. With an unaware avoidant, you're still very much alone, from an attachment point of view. We might see a wealth of potential, 'if only'... But you'll never get there if they don't see the same things you do and are prepared to put in the work. Even then, it will take a long time and might not lead to them being able to provide what you need. |
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Post by cricket on Feb 16, 2018 16:24:09 GMT
- Avoidant do have relationships that are long term. How do they manage that I wonder? I guess I just have to let it go now because I do deserve someone who cares about me as much as I care about them. I was in a 12 year relationship with one. As to how they did it? In my situation, it required me to let go of most of the things that make me 'me'. Don't express the need for intimacy, attention, understanding, support, boundaries, do not voice disagreements and don't expect support or comfort since it won't be coming. With an unaware avoidant, you're still very much alone, from an attachment point of view. We might see a wealth of potential, 'if only'... But you'll never get there if they don't see the same things you do and are prepared to put in the work. Even then, it will take a long time and might not lead to them being able to provide what you need. Ahhh.. I see. That doesn't sound fun. 12 yrs is a long long time. I'm sure that must have been rough on you. I can see that happening too because he is really bad at being there for others in difficult times. I am actually feeling stronger already. I know I just need to recognize my uncomfortable feelings of hurt are coming from that feeling of rejection. Rejection has been a huge emotion for me to work thru in the past. Rejection doesn't mean the same thing it used to mean to me before. I'll give myself some time to grieve this and move on. Thank u for sharing some of your story. It really helps. |
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Post by Jaeger on Feb 16, 2018 16:32:49 GMT
I was in a 12 year relationship with one. As to how they did it? In my situation, it required me to let go of most of the things that make me 'me'. Don't express the need for intimacy, attention, understanding, support, boundaries, do not voice disagreements and don't expect support or comfort since it won't be coming. With an unaware avoidant, you're still very much alone, from an attachment point of view. We might see a wealth of potential, 'if only'... But you'll never get there if they don't see the same things you do and are prepared to put in the work. Even then, it will take a long time and might not lead to them being able to provide what you need. Ahhh.. I see. That doesn't sound fun. 12 yrs is a long long time. I'm sure that must have been rough on you. I can see that happening too because he is really bad at being there for others in difficult times. I am actually feeling stronger already. I know I just need to recognize my uncomfortable feelings of hurt are coming from that feeling of rejection. Rejection has been a huge emotion for me to work thru in the past. Rejection doesn't mean the same thing it used to mean to me before. I'll give myself some time to grieve this and move on. Thank u for sharing some of your story. It really helps. My pleasure. That is really the only reason why I am here now. I haven't had any attachment related issues for close to a year and a half now. If it helps, my entire story is on the boards too and you can find it by going to some of my first posts. I hope you can use some of it to ensure that you won't have to go through the same problems I did. |
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Post by tnr9 on Mar 10, 2018 20:27:45 GMT
Mine lasted 10.5 months, but with 2 almost split ups at month 3 and month 7.
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