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Post by scheme00 on Feb 19, 2018 19:32:03 GMT
Hey all, I took a break from the forums because I was moving forward and deleted all social media so I couldn't see what the ex was up to. Long story short: I dumped her in October because her avoidant tendencies broke me and I could not be with someone that I got so little of. We were off and on for a year and a half with our last run being about 8 months. We've been no contact since the breakup despite one day I saw her at the office about 3 months ago. I saw her at her work yesterday (which I have to visit for my work sometimes) and I hugged her and chatted with her for 5 minutes. She seemed so happy to see me and was giggling like a school girl with me. When I left I hugged her and said "I miss you" as I was leaving. She said it back to me. I told her that because it was an honest truth from my heart. I also said it because in a post Mary wrote here she had to feel that it was safe to communicate with the ex and to know that I'm not mad at her or angry/hate her. I was fine for a few hours but now I'm messed up again relaying in my head how much I care for this woman who I logically know is bad for me.  |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 19, 2018 20:02:33 GMT
we’re all here for you.
it’s complicated😑
keep posting 🙂
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Post by Jaeger on Feb 19, 2018 20:14:53 GMT
Good to see you back, scheme, even though the circumstances are less than ideal. Give yourself some leeway, get back to what you were doing and I'm sure you'll end up where you want to in the end!
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Post by Deleted on Feb 19, 2018 20:45:01 GMT
Hey all, I took a break from the forums because I was moving forward and deleted all social media so I couldn't see what the ex was up to. Long story short: I dumped her in October because her avoidant tendencies broke me and I could not be with someone that I got so little of. We were off and on for a year and a half with our last run being about 8 months. We've been no contact since the breakup despite one day I saw her at the office about 3 months ago. I saw her at her work yesterday (which I have to visit for my work sometimes) and I hugged her and chatted with her for 5 minutes. She seemed so happy to see me and was giggling like a school girl with me. When I left I hugged her and said "I miss you" as I was leaving. She said it back to me. I told her that because it was an honest truth from my heart. I also said it because in a post Mary wrote here she had to feel that it was safe to communicate with the ex and to know that I'm not mad at her or angry/hate her. I was fine for a few hours but now I'm messed up again relaying in my head how much I care for this woman who I logically know is bad for me. I'm glad you are back. Why do you think that you messed up? |
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Post by scheme00 on Feb 19, 2018 20:48:52 GMT
Hey all, I took a break from the forums because I was moving forward and deleted all social media so I couldn't see what the ex was up to. Long story short: I dumped her in October because her avoidant tendencies broke me and I could not be with someone that I got so little of. We were off and on for a year and a half with our last run being about 8 months. We've been no contact since the breakup despite one day I saw her at the office about 3 months ago. I saw her at her work yesterday (which I have to visit for my work sometimes) and I hugged her and chatted with her for 5 minutes. She seemed so happy to see me and was giggling like a school girl with me. When I left I hugged her and said "I miss you" as I was leaving. She said it back to me. I told her that because it was an honest truth from my heart. I also said it because in a post Mary wrote here she had to feel that it was safe to communicate with the ex and to know that I'm not mad at her or angry/hate her. I was fine for a few hours but now I'm messed up again relaying in my head how much I care for this woman who I logically know is bad for me. I'm glad you are back. Why do you think that you messed up? I'm messed up emotionally now because I felt great before seeing her. Seeing her made me realize how much I am still in love with this woman and made my anxiety shoot through the roof even though it was a great interaction with her. In my head my thoughts are "will she ever call me again? Will she ever want to work it out and try harder? Is she with someone else now? Does she care about me?" All of these thoughts repeat over and over. This is what happens internally for a AP. These thoughts hurt and there is not an easy way to stop the anxiety. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 19, 2018 21:10:28 GMT
I'm glad you are back. Why do you think that you messed up? I'm messed up emotionally now because I felt great before seeing her. Seeing her made me realize how much I am still in love with this woman and made my anxiety shoot through the roof even though it was a great interaction with her. In my head my thoughts are "will she ever call me again? Will she ever want to work it out and try harder? Is she with someone else now? Does she care about me?" All of these thoughts repeat over and over. This is what happens internally for a AP. These thoughts hurt and there is not an easy way to stop the anxiety. i don't know if this is good advice for me to give an AP, it may be off-tune... but if it were me in your shoes i would make contact and be very truthful about my curiosity, and would ask direct questions such as you have posed here. I find it is the only way to stop fantasy, illusion, or needless wondering. I consider it to be a service to myself and go into it knowing that i may not like the answers but i deserve the self-courtesy of asking them. It's like advocating for your own interests. if the answers were painful, i would at least have them and take the next step to deal. its just a very pragmatic approach for me, it may not work for everyone. it has served me much better than worry and obsession ever did. by asking pointed questions like this, i was able to release myself from the grip of my last relationship, because i had truth to work with instead of just questions. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 19, 2018 21:17:42 GMT
I'm glad you are back. Why do you think that you messed up? I'm messed up emotionally now because I felt great before seeing her. Seeing her made me realize how much I am still in love with this woman and made my anxiety shoot through the roof even though it was a great interaction with her. In my head my thoughts are "will she ever call me again? Will she ever want to work it out and try harder? Is she with someone else now? Does she care about me?" All of these thoughts repeat over and over. This is what happens internally for a AP. These thoughts hurt and there is not an easy way to stop the anxiety. So it's possibly that it was a great interaction that has pulled you back in so to speak? Your attachment to her got re-activated in a sense. That's a tough one. You probably did a very nice thing for her, but in the process you were not able to protect yourself. I'm so sorry. |
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Post by scheme00 on Feb 19, 2018 21:26:28 GMT
I'm messed up emotionally now because I felt great before seeing her. Seeing her made me realize how much I am still in love with this woman and made my anxiety shoot through the roof even though it was a great interaction with her. In my head my thoughts are "will she ever call me again? Will she ever want to work it out and try harder? Is she with someone else now? Does she care about me?" All of these thoughts repeat over and over. This is what happens internally for a AP. These thoughts hurt and there is not an easy way to stop the anxiety. So it's possibly that it was a great interaction that has pulled you back in so to speak? Your attachment to her got re-activated in a sense. That's a tough one. You probably did a very nice thing for her, but in the process you were not able to protect yourself. I'm so sorry. This is true I think. I avoided seeing her for as long as possible because I knew it would be painful to see her. I think I would have been activated anyway but told her I missed her because it may have been some sort of an olive branch. "Hey I still care about you and am not mad with you" in hopes that she would understand that if she wanted to try again she could contact me. I do know that I could not get back with her unless she told me that she would make more of an effort this time around. So emotionally I am banged up but logically I can think straight. I do know that I will not chase her so the odds that she will somehow "come around" I fee like are small since she is afraid of commitment and getting intimately involved. |
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Post by scheme00 on Feb 19, 2018 21:28:12 GMT
I'm messed up emotionally now because I felt great before seeing her. Seeing her made me realize how much I am still in love with this woman and made my anxiety shoot through the roof even though it was a great interaction with her. In my head my thoughts are "will she ever call me again? Will she ever want to work it out and try harder? Is she with someone else now? Does she care about me?" All of these thoughts repeat over and over. This is what happens internally for a AP. These thoughts hurt and there is not an easy way to stop the anxiety. i don't know if this is good advice for me to give an AP, it may be off-tune... but if it were me in your shoes i would make contact and be very truthful about my curiosity, and would ask direct questions such as you have posed here. I find it is the only way to stop fantasy, illusion, or needless wondering. I consider it to be a service to myself and go into it knowing that i may not like the answers but i deserve the self-courtesy of asking them. It's like advocating for your own interests. if the answers were painful, i would at least have them and take the next step to deal. its just a very pragmatic approach for me, it may not work for everyone. it has served me much better than worry and obsession ever did. by asking pointed questions like this, i was able to release myself from the grip of my last relationship, because i had truth to work with instead of just questions. I feel like this is what I would do under normal circumstances but I know that she must put in some work and effort if we are to try again. It's always been me that has made the effort. I need to see it from her too. In a usual break up scenario I would communicate this to see where she is at. But I want to move on unless she makes an attempt at things. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 19, 2018 21:30:18 GMT
i don't know if this is good advice for me to give an AP, it may be off-tune... but if it were me in your shoes i would make contact and be very truthful about my curiosity, and would ask direct questions such as you have posed here. I find it is the only way to stop fantasy, illusion, or needless wondering. I consider it to be a service to myself and go into it knowing that i may not like the answers but i deserve the self-courtesy of asking them. It's like advocating for your own interests. if the answers were painful, i would at least have them and take the next step to deal. its just a very pragmatic approach for me, it may not work for everyone. it has served me much better than worry and obsession ever did. by asking pointed questions like this, i was able to release myself from the grip of my last relationship, because i had truth to work with instead of just questions. I feel like this is what I would do under normal circumstances but I know that she must put in some work and effort if we are to try again. It's always been me that has made the effort. I need to see it from her too. In a usual break up scenario I would communicate this to see where she is at. But I want to move on unless she makes an attempt at things. i totally get that! good for you, even tho it's hard. it sounds like you are really committed to taking good care of yourself, and that's why you're here, too. i love the way this board provides the support we all need to get to the other side of this stuff. its helped me move forward in a powerful way! glad you are back. |
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Post by kelvain on Feb 21, 2018 2:51:26 GMT
Although I don't know your relationship intimately, if you want her back then ask her out for a drink.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 21, 2018 19:44:12 GMT
Although I don't know your relationship intimately, if you want her back then ask her out for a drink. I don't know who you are Kelvain, but you seem to be operating a couple of levels beneath the requisite understanding of this forum's purpose  The question is not about how he should go about it, but if he should. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 21, 2018 19:48:53 GMT
I'm glad you are back. Why do you think that you messed up? I'm messed up emotionally now because I felt great before seeing her. Seeing her made me realize how much I am still in love with this woman and made my anxiety shoot through the roof even though it was a great interaction with her. In my head my thoughts are "will she ever call me again? Will she ever want to work it out and try harder? Is she with someone else now? Does she care about me?" All of these thoughts repeat over and over. This is what happens internally for a AP. These thoughts hurt and there is not an easy way to stop the anxiety. This struck me right in the bones reading this. I've been there scheme00; don't conflate your anxious attachment for love. You felt good for a long time, and now you ran into her, almost instantly bringing back all those memories of having your anxiety calmed by having an intimate moment with her. Couple this with your anxiety returning upon sight of her, and now the quickest way you know to calm it is to have her in your arms. Don't do it. You already know where this leads. You've been there. Remember that you can still miss someone without needing them. You told her you miss her, and she said it too - and quite possibly meant it. Her attachment system has been triggered most likely too now. Keep strong. You will recover faster this time, but you need to keep away. I'm sorry. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 21, 2018 20:17:56 GMT
i don't know if this is good advice for me to give an AP, it may be off-tune... but if it were me in your shoes i would make contact and be very truthful about my curiosity, and would ask direct questions such as you have posed here. I find it is the only way to stop fantasy, illusion, or needless wondering. I consider it to be a service to myself and go into it knowing that i may not like the answers but i deserve the self-courtesy of asking them. It's like advocating for your own interests. if the answers were painful, i would at least have them and take the next step to deal. its just a very pragmatic approach for me, it may not work for everyone. it has served me much better than worry and obsession ever did. by asking pointed questions like this, i was able to release myself from the grip of my last relationship, because i had truth to work with instead of just questions. I feel like this is what I would do under normal circumstances but I know that she must put in some work and effort if we are to try again. It's always been me that has made the effort. I need to see it from her too. In a usual break up scenario I would communicate this to see where she is at. But I want to move on unless she makes an attempt at things. Even if she does make an attempt, it will be just enough to get you committed and then you'll be back to square one. See: tealswan.com/resources/articles/why-you-cant-leave-the-relationship-intermittent-reinforcement-r210/ |
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Post by scheme00 on Feb 22, 2018 21:23:53 GMT
Emotionally I do want this woman back. I fantasize marrying her and her changing into someone that is secure and able to put in effort to work in herself so that we can have a great relationship. LOGICALLY, I know that she is currently emotionally unavailable and that if we got back together now nothing would be different. I know she is attracted to me. I know I showed her a lot of effort and patience while we dated and she knew that. But I can not be the one to chase her again. Either she has in internal change and realizes that she needs to put in work and contact me to give it another shot or that's that. I'm moving on with my life as best I can. I love her but know it's only a matter of time that another love shows up in my life and offers me what I want in a relationship.
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The question is not about how he should go about it, but if he should.