i sat with my feelings and they vomited on me

just kidding.
but here is how it goes for me:
i feel something happening in my body- maybe a tightness in my throat, a stab in my chest, a stone in my belly.

i think and think and think and distract and distract and distract , and when all else fails i turn to my faithful friend , anger.

Anger always knows when to jump in and give reinforcement, knock those feelings down. Good old anger.

Anger never knows when to stop and always turn on me tho. I've had to question my relationship and dependence on anger to save the day. anger hurts and has no bounds. I am kind of sick of anger.

So i sit. Give in. Ask my throat, my heart, my belly, my ice cold hands.... what happened? Why are you hurting this way?

I cannot believe how articulate my feelings are once i give them a voice! They know just what happened. I don't judge it, because by now, they have shown me that they are what they are and they feel what they feel and there is always insight behind them.

I ask them what they need, they always are able to say. It's usually along the lines of forgiveness for me, understanding of me, compassion for me, protection of me, wisdom to see me as i really am.

Of course, i have to pay attention to me. All of my external interactions come from the base of how i see me.

So, i am finding that while it is really difficult to sit, to sit, to be vulnerable to the deep deep pain, it always has a gift to give to me. It's like the physical ache and the tears and the hard words are the wrapping of what's really there for me. Some insight, a softening, a forgiveness. That's what the gifts are.

Thanks for listening. So many feelings.