|
|
Post by kristyrose on Feb 28, 2018 18:22:12 GMT
Hi everyone,
So curious thing, my ex texted me monday that he lost all of his text messages in his phone during an update. He then asked if I cold send him all of our texts messages which go back to may 2015 including all the attachments and racy pics.
I told him I don't even think i can do that without forwarding each one, but I'm surprised he even wants them in the first place, I started rummaging through them and it made me sad. Then of course it made me glad he wanted them, then sad again.
I guess I'm just posting to get it off my chest.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Feb 28, 2018 21:20:34 GMT
Now that's a veritable goldmine of feelz to process. You seem pleased by the thought he wanted them. But what about how he only seemingly wants your past but not the present? How about if you really send them, how will you feel after? If you don't? I think the only reasonable thing to do is to refuse or ignore the request. This seems like it can only lead to more second guessing and ambiguity of intent.
|
|
|
|
Post by kristyrose on Feb 28, 2018 21:51:14 GMT
indeed.
you pose good questions- I had to sort through them to see how far back they really go and that in itself was a very painful exercise. If I'm honest, which I will be here, I am happy he even asked for them, but terribly sad that he doesn't want anything else but some stupid texts. Of course, they are not stupid to me...
|
|
|
|
Post by cricket on Mar 1, 2018 2:20:38 GMT
Wow, that is such an odd request. I can see why you would be happy or flattered by it but at the same time if he knows you guys are just going to be friends and he knows how much you want more, I don't know, it just seems like a tactic to keep you hooked just enough. It just makes it harder on you and more confusing.
I wouldn't send all the texts or all the pics.
|
|
|
|
Post by madamebovary on Mar 1, 2018 2:31:15 GMT
I don’t understand this type of thing from them. This isn’t exactly the same, but today, right when I’m having a really great day, I haven’t thought about my DA, I’ve been doing really well, he texts out of the blue (after basically NC for several weeks) and says “I had to pink slip half my team today  “ I wasn’t sure what to do with that. He has friends and family to lean on and we haven’t been texting for a while. Why me? I texted what I would text any friend “I’m sorry you’re going through that, you can call and talk if you need to” I got no response. Not even “thank you, I’ll be fine” Like zero acknowledgement that I texted. I assume he just wanted the reassurance that I would be there if he needed me... but that really sucks because he’s never there for me. If I text... it goes unanswered most of the time. I feel totally stupid for texting back, because now he’s in my thoughts again. If I didn’t know him better, I would almost think he accidentally texted me, but we haven’t texted in so long, I’m sure it wasn’t an accident. I need to stop responding altogether I think. I just don’t understand... why did he even bother texting? |
|
|
|
Post by cricket on Mar 1, 2018 2:40:51 GMT
I don’t understand this type of thing from them. This isn’t exactly the same, but today, right when I’m having a really great day, I haven’t thought about my DA, I’ve been doing really well, he texts out of the blue (after basically NC for several weeks) and says “I had to pink slip half my team today “ I wasn’t sure what to do with that. He has friends and family to lean on and we haven’t been texting for a while. Why me? I texted what I would text any friend “I’m sorry you’re going through that, you can call and talk if you need to” I got no response. Not even “thank you, I’ll be fine” Like zero acknowledgement that I texted. I assume he just wanted the reassurance that I would be there if he needed me... but that really sucks because he’s never there for me. If I text... it goes unanswered most of the time. I feel totally stupid for texting back, because now he’s in my thoughts again. If I didn’t know him better, I would almost think he accidentally texted me, but we haven’t texted in so long, I’m sure it wasn’t an accident. I need to stop responding altogether I think. I just don’t understand... why did he even bother texting? Been through that sooo many times😞 don't feel dumb. I know it feels like the clock starts all over again. I think they either want to know they have that option or they just want to know we are still there cuz they do care but can't maintain closeness the way we do. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 1, 2018 14:57:14 GMT
Wow, that is such an odd request. I can see why you would be happy or flattered by it but at the same time if he knows you guys are just going to be friends and he knows how much you want more, I don't know, it just seems like a tactic to keep you hooked just enough. It just makes it harder on you and more confusing. I wouldn't send all the texts or all the pics. I don't find it that odd, really. It seems like a safe and inimitably distanced way for an avoidant to spend time with "you." I guess he's triggered and also needs to feel connected, albeit in an extremely detached way. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 1, 2018 15:12:01 GMT
kristyrose, I am not sure why but I find this request extreme boundary pushing. I would be so pissed at him. I'm sorry you are going through this.
|
|
|
|
Post by madamebovary on Mar 1, 2018 15:53:51 GMT
kristyrose, I am not sure why but I find this request extreme boundary pushing. I would be so pissed at him. I'm sorry you are going through this. It’s funny how it’s one thing to some people and something else to other people. Two people see the same thing and react in such disparate ways. For you (and me) it’s boundary-pushing, for x0ff, it’s not a strange request at all. Given that you’re trying so hard to get over him, KristyRose, it woukd have been pushing it for me, too. I’ve seen it on here, but it’s worth mentioning over and over again, the Baggage Reclaim blog has some great articles related to drawing, and keeping, your boundaries... especially if you think you’re an AP that has a hard time with keeping clear-cut boundaries. www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-blog/ |
|
|
|
Post by cricket on Mar 1, 2018 15:54:34 GMT
Wow, that is such an odd request. I can see why you would be happy or flattered by it but at the same time if he knows you guys are just going to be friends and he knows how much you want more, I don't know, it just seems like a tactic to keep you hooked just enough. It just makes it harder on you and more confusing. I wouldn't send all the texts or all the pics. I don't find it that odd, really. It seems like a safe and inimitably distanced way for an avoidant to spend time with "you." I guess he's triggered and also needs to feel connected, albeit in an extremely detached way. I agree w Mary that it is another way of pushing boundaries. Yes it may be that he wants some sort of interaction but at who's expense? Then he is just going about it in a very selfish way which is expected given his attachment style and I'm not even judging it. We all do selfish things given our own attachment styles. Just saying she needs to put herself first and stay strong on boundaries if something is ever going to change. This reminds me of my commitment phobic ex and how he would always weasel his way back in my life like nothing after a few weeks while I was devastated that whole time. |
|
|
|
Post by kristyrose on Mar 1, 2018 19:10:22 GMT
Yeah, I think it is odd because he lost our texts once about a year and a half ago and said he was sad the texts were gone, but did ask me to send them and we were a couple at the time.
I don't know if its just for nostalgia or what. I don't find the reasoning odd if I were the one asking, because I'm very sentimental and would want those memories, but coming from HIM It is odd to me in a way. It also is a way to stay connected somehow, but not- which is comfortable for him.
I think we both are having a hard time letting go fully. Over time as I work on healing, I am trying not to demonize him or analyze every thing he does as a sign he still wants me and is just afraid.
It helps to come on here and keep being honest and getting this out, thank you all for offering up your thoughts.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 1, 2018 19:35:08 GMT
kristyrose , I am not sure why but I find this request extreme boundary pushing. I would be so pissed at him. I'm sorry you are going through this. It’s funny how it’s one thing to some people and something else to other people. Two people see the same thing and react in such disparate ways. For you (and me) it’s boundary-pushing, for x0ff, it’s not a strange request at all. Given that you’re trying so hard to get over him, KristyRose, it woukd have been pushing it for me, too. I’ve seen it on here, but it’s worth mentioning over and over again, the Baggage Reclaim blog has some great articles related to drawing, and keeping, your boundaries... especially if you think you’re an AP that has a hard time with keeping clear-cut boundaries. www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-blog/"for x0ff, it’s not a strange request at all" I posted my actual thoughts on this a bit further up. I actually agree it's boundary pushing behaviour and a very uncomfortable thing to respond to; but I don't think it's "strange" per-se, meaning I think I can understand why he's asking. Sorry, semantics. |
|
|
|
Post by cricket on Mar 1, 2018 19:36:44 GMT
Yeah, I think it is odd because he lost our texts once about a year and a half ago and said he was sad the texts were gone, but did ask me to send them and we were a couple at the time. I don't know if its just for nostalgia or what. I don't find the reasoning odd if I were the one asking, because I'm very sentimental and would want those memories, but coming from HIM It is odd to me in a way. It also is a way to stay connected somehow, but not- which is comfortable for him. I think we both are having a hard time letting go fully. Over time as I work on healing, I am trying not to demonize him or analyze every thing he does as a sign he still wants me and is just afraid. It helps to come on here and keep being honest and getting this out, thank you all for offering up your thoughts. It is so hard letting go and of course demonizing anyone never let's anyone grow. I did mean it was odd coming from the one who says they don't want more. Just do what makes things easier for you to stay on a grounded path of growth. |
|
|
|
Post by kristyrose on Mar 1, 2018 19:39:22 GMT
Now that I think of it, I'm not even mad he asked and perhaps I should be. I mean I'm so out of touch with my anger towards his behavior and sometimes I think its because I understand it to a certain extent and it makes me feel more sad for him than anything, then sad for myself.
I look at us both as people who have some serious issues, only one of us is putting the time and effort into fixing. Makes me sad he doesnt for himself.
I also don't even feel uncomfortable he asked, more like happy/confused/triggered- does this seem odd?
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 1, 2018 20:46:40 GMT
Now that I think of it, I'm not even mad he asked and perhaps I should be. I mean I'm so out of touch with my anger towards his behavior and sometimes I think its because I understand it to a certain extent and it makes me feel more sad for him than anything, then sad for myself. I look at us both as people who have some serious issues, only one of us is putting the time and effort into fixing. Makes me sad he doesnt for himself. I also don't even feel uncomfortable he asked, more like happy/confused/triggered- does this seem odd? Having compassion is a great quality and I think that is foremost for you, but don't take yourself out of the equation. I told my bf that just because he was unaware that he was hurting me and it was unintentional, doesn't excuse it. I have a right to be mad and hurt as do you. His request is insensitive at the very least and he is not thinking about your feelings (he's self absorbed). You don't ask an ex that is grieving for past text messages. He didn't play the scenario out in his head. If he had, he would've thought through what that question would do to you. At the very least, you would wonder why he's asking, you might be hurt, you might be hopeful, etc. He didn't think about you and that's why I would be mad. |
|
“