Post by Fizz on Apr 10, 2018 7:45:59 GMT
I wish I'd known about Attachment Theory before i started my now finished relationship of 2 years (don't we all).
I think I was fairly secure when we met, but over time became more and more Anxious. My ex DA ghosted me 3 weeks after we met, after showering me with praise and affection and doing sweet things. He then came back, apologised and we started an intense relationship (silly me). On paper, it seemed the perfect relationship, he told me he'd never felt this way before, that i was 'the one', he seemed so perfect in every way, everyone marvelled at how perfect we were together - we all know the story. And I was largely happy to have found someone with whom i had such chemistry, who i admired so much, and who was always telling me how much they adored me. Though i always a little anxious, because of his emotional distance and need for space (which I was able to respect) and also he seemed to hold things back, not really care about my interests (I completely got caught up in his) lie about little things, not be honest with other women that he was in a relationship. If I'm honest, I was holding back the anxious side of me, because he had me on such a pedestal I was scared he'd run if he knew i wasn't perfect. I also realise now that we had incredible mental and physical connection, but he faked over emotional connection with external words and niceties.
Anyway, fast forward 18 months and he gets accepted into a post-grad program across the other side of the world. For 4 years. He asks me to come, tells me he is certain i am 'his person' and that he wants to be vulnerable with me. And i do believe that was true, which is the sad thing (he'd just started working with a therapist). So I give up my home, my job, my family, my 6-month old niece, my friends, and move with him. We hadn't lived together before, and he had purpose, community and new friends as soon as we arrived. I didn't, and completely lost myself, felt lonely, isolated, and my anxiety sky-rocketed. I clung, became needy, complained about the city we were in, got sad and depressed. He did do everything he could externally to make me happy - buying me things, suggesting i try new hobbies, make friends, etc, but suddenly his lack of emotional availability became a massive issue for me. I needed him to hold space for me, to empathise, and he didn't seem able to. He just withdrew, stopped wanting to have sex, and got more distant. And I got more and more Anxious and crazy.
But I was starting to ease a bit, 3 months in, and had a trip planned for back home for the following month, which I thought would help me. Anyway, a month before i was supposed to leave, he tells me he can't ask me to come back, that he's been scared i was going to leave the whole time, that i didn't commit and he couldn't handle my insecurity and neediness. It blindsided me because not once did he say "im scared you're going to leave" or even engage me in discussion. Instead, he'd be slowly detaching himself, even starting to look for other 'options' in girls, telling people we'd broken up etc... I tried to convince him to give me another chance (classic AP), he considered it for a while and said no, that he couldn't trust me, that he'd been fighting for our relationship the whole time, and i hadn't.
So now I've had to move back to my country - with no job, no home, no partner - move back in with my parents (in my 30's!) - absolutely heartbroken and wondering what the hell just happened. Is this kind of thing more than just heartbreak? It feels so traumatic i can hardly function. I realise how much I diminished in the relationship - how much his interests and his ideology and his wonderful persona had taken up the space of my own identity - I literally feel like he sucked all my emotional stability out of me and i have lost myself. Is this normal for an AP after a break-up with a DA? And how in the hell do i a) find myself again and build my self-esteem b) Find a way of becoming secure and not traumatised by this
TL;DR: Ex DA made me move across the world for him, dumped me when i got anxious and needy, now I've lost my identity (and everything else) and have no idea how to put myself back together.
I think I was fairly secure when we met, but over time became more and more Anxious. My ex DA ghosted me 3 weeks after we met, after showering me with praise and affection and doing sweet things. He then came back, apologised and we started an intense relationship (silly me). On paper, it seemed the perfect relationship, he told me he'd never felt this way before, that i was 'the one', he seemed so perfect in every way, everyone marvelled at how perfect we were together - we all know the story. And I was largely happy to have found someone with whom i had such chemistry, who i admired so much, and who was always telling me how much they adored me. Though i always a little anxious, because of his emotional distance and need for space (which I was able to respect) and also he seemed to hold things back, not really care about my interests (I completely got caught up in his) lie about little things, not be honest with other women that he was in a relationship. If I'm honest, I was holding back the anxious side of me, because he had me on such a pedestal I was scared he'd run if he knew i wasn't perfect. I also realise now that we had incredible mental and physical connection, but he faked over emotional connection with external words and niceties.
Anyway, fast forward 18 months and he gets accepted into a post-grad program across the other side of the world. For 4 years. He asks me to come, tells me he is certain i am 'his person' and that he wants to be vulnerable with me. And i do believe that was true, which is the sad thing (he'd just started working with a therapist). So I give up my home, my job, my family, my 6-month old niece, my friends, and move with him. We hadn't lived together before, and he had purpose, community and new friends as soon as we arrived. I didn't, and completely lost myself, felt lonely, isolated, and my anxiety sky-rocketed. I clung, became needy, complained about the city we were in, got sad and depressed. He did do everything he could externally to make me happy - buying me things, suggesting i try new hobbies, make friends, etc, but suddenly his lack of emotional availability became a massive issue for me. I needed him to hold space for me, to empathise, and he didn't seem able to. He just withdrew, stopped wanting to have sex, and got more distant. And I got more and more Anxious and crazy.
But I was starting to ease a bit, 3 months in, and had a trip planned for back home for the following month, which I thought would help me. Anyway, a month before i was supposed to leave, he tells me he can't ask me to come back, that he's been scared i was going to leave the whole time, that i didn't commit and he couldn't handle my insecurity and neediness. It blindsided me because not once did he say "im scared you're going to leave" or even engage me in discussion. Instead, he'd be slowly detaching himself, even starting to look for other 'options' in girls, telling people we'd broken up etc... I tried to convince him to give me another chance (classic AP), he considered it for a while and said no, that he couldn't trust me, that he'd been fighting for our relationship the whole time, and i hadn't.
So now I've had to move back to my country - with no job, no home, no partner - move back in with my parents (in my 30's!) - absolutely heartbroken and wondering what the hell just happened. Is this kind of thing more than just heartbreak? It feels so traumatic i can hardly function. I realise how much I diminished in the relationship - how much his interests and his ideology and his wonderful persona had taken up the space of my own identity - I literally feel like he sucked all my emotional stability out of me and i have lost myself. Is this normal for an AP after a break-up with a DA? And how in the hell do i a) find myself again and build my self-esteem b) Find a way of becoming secure and not traumatised by this
TL;DR: Ex DA made me move across the world for him, dumped me when i got anxious and needy, now I've lost my identity (and everything else) and have no idea how to put myself back together.
