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Post by DearLover on Jul 6, 2018 16:04:22 GMT
And how about YOUR attachment?
I have been married to an alcoholic man too.
I urge you to seek ALANON so you can understand and recover from your addiction for men with addiction
Read 'Women Who Love Too Much"
Figure out a plan for self love and self care. Time to put the focus back on yourself and do everything you can to awake love within yourself so you won't need to look for it outside yourself.
You can do this.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 6, 2018 17:42:25 GMT
And how about YOUR attachment? I have been married to an alcoholic man too. I urge you to seek ALANON so you can understand and recover from your addiction for men with addiction Read 'Women Who Love Too Much" Figure out a plan for self love and self care. Time to put the focus back on yourself and do everything you can to awake love within yourself so you won't need to look for it outside yourself. You can do this. THIS ❤️ |
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Post by tnr9 on Jul 7, 2018 1:41:44 GMT
I am so sorry you are going through this....disconnection is the worst feeling ever....I completely understand. As to the text message....I am certain you do not look insane...you look like a person who is struggling through a breakup and dealing with it the best way you know how. If there was one piece of advice I could give..it would be to remove the negative self talk and labeling and look for very small ways that you can regain your power....even if it is just "for this moment I was able to focus on me and not my pain or him"...that is a victory. It is in those small moments that you gain yourself back. If you "relapse", if you spend the whole rest of the day spiraling in on him....then just start over....but start "small" and look for "victories". I have more to add but I have to go back to work...so will continue this in a bit. 🙂 Thank you so much for being brave and sharing your story. Thank you again for taking the time to reply. I use to think my bf was just playing mind games when he kept leaving me. I am not so sure now. I fear he genuinely couldn't cope with me getting upset. It appears so childish when a 44yr old man starts to pack and run over an argument. I think I was still grieving the loss of my husband when I met this man. I was vunerable and lonely and allowed him to form the relationship on his terms. He drinks lots of alcohol and games. I do wonder if it's away of him coping with the way he feels. His longest relationship was 4 yrs and he told me that when it finished he spiralled out of control. That makes me wonder about his attachment x The focus on him to the loss of you is going to be your biggest hurdle....it absolutely was for me as well....but you have zero, zip, no influence to change or impact him, whereas you have the rest of your life to love on, improve, cheerlead and change yourself. The moment the focus in me changed from trying to understand him to really understanding myself in a compassionate way, is the moment I started to reclaim the parts of myself I thought were gone forever. I am not nearly done with my journey...but I am a lot wiser, caring, empathetic and compassionate towards myself then I was even 3 months ago. I think Dear Lover has given you some very sage advice and I hope you will look into the program and book that she recommends. 💕💕 |
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Post by tnr9 on Jul 7, 2018 5:07:23 GMT
Also wanted to address the "friend" thing real quick....friendship allows him to still maintain contact with you...but in a much more "casual" way and still on his terms....for 2 secure people who broke up amicably friendship can make sense...but for insecurely attached individuals..it can mean a lot of misunderstandings and confusion. Plus..if you are thinking friendship might lead to something with him..that should be a big red flag to take a time out.
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Post by tnr9 on Jul 7, 2018 16:25:35 GMT
Also wanted to address the "friend" thing real quick....friendship allows him to still maintain contact with you...but in a much more "casual" way and still on his terms....for 2 secure people who broke up amicably friendship can make sense...but for insecurely attached individuals..it can mean a lot of misunderstandings and confusion. Plus..if you are thinking friendship might lead to something with him..that should be a big red flag to take a time out. Thank you so much, what you makes so much sense but I am very week when it comes to my ex. He had a lovely side to him and was very gentle. I have started therapy and joined a gym with a friend. If only I could sleep I'm sure I would feel so much better. Is not being introduced to family and friends typical with avoidant partners. That really use to bug me, I got such a complex about myself. I said to my bf are you ashamed on me because I am 10 yrs older. He answered no but never explained himself and I was to weary to ask. Gosh what a tangled mess. I still love him regardless of what's happened. Hope you are ok and sending you big Hugs ❤️ That is interesting.....the guy I dated is younger than me as well. I was introduced to his best friend (and other friends) and then his family after 2 months of dating...but only after he almost broke up with me...long story...not one I want to share publicly. No one can take your power away unless you give it to them...that is what my therapist used to tell me....so it is not that you are weak..it is that you are choosing to remain weak with "the guy you dated". It is ok if that is the choice you are making...but own it as your choice....not something you have no control over. Believe me..owning it will change your perspective...it will remind you that you do have power. |
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Post by DearLover on Jul 7, 2018 22:15:52 GMT
You are worth and deserving of everything you want. EVERYTHING.
You could add reminders of self love and self appreciation everywhere in your house and refer to it when triggered. Also remember to say this to yourself when triggered.
At one point, I had the words "I am enough" in all my mirrors.
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Post by DearLover on Jul 7, 2018 22:22:47 GMT
Thank you so much, what you makes so much sense but I am very week when it comes to my ex. He had a lovely side to him and was very gentle. I have started therapy and joined a gym with a friend. If only I could sleep I'm sure I would feel so much better. Is not being introduced to family and friends typical with avoidant partners. That really use to bug me, I got such a complex about myself. I said to my bf are you ashamed on me because I am 10 yrs older. He answered no but never explained himself and I was to weary to ask. Gosh what a tangled mess. I still love him regardless of what's happened. Hope you are ok and sending you big Hugs ❤️ That is interesting.....the guy I dated is younger than me as well. I was introduced to his best friend (and other friends) and then his family after 2 months of dating...but only after he almost broke up with me...long story...not one I want to share publicly. No one can take your power away unless you give it to them...that is what my therapist used to tell me....so it is not that you are weak..it is that you are choosing to remain weak with "the guy you dated". It is ok if that is the choice you are making...but own it as your choice....not something you have no control over. Believe me..owning it will change your perspective...it will remind you that you do have power. You know, I had to go no contact and managed for 9 months. It was easy at times and a huge struggle at times but it was what I needed to do. I had a lot of growth from it. Then I contacted him, we messaged back and forth for a while and all of the elements to make me slip back where there. But I didn't. In fact the more we communicated the more I got turned off because now I know exactly what I want and I am sure he can't go there with me. It was an incredible experience, I actually got to say things that were stuck inside me and heard some things from him that I needed to hear. The absence of the things I hoped he would say but didn't, were important for me to confirm the nature of our relationship and that the 'love' I had to him needed to die. And it did like magic. No resentments, no anger, no regrets, I am finally free. But yeah, it took 9 months of agony and hard inner work to get here. |
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Post by tnr9 on Jul 7, 2018 23:40:39 GMT
You are worth and deserving of everything you want. EVERYTHING. You could add reminders of self love and self appreciation everywhere in your house and refer to it when triggered. Also remember to say this to yourself when triggered. At one point, I had the words "I am enough" in all my mirrors. I still have an "I am enough" daily reminder, it is written on my mirrors and it is the wallpaper on my phone. |
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Post by DearLover on Jul 8, 2018 9:14:26 GMT
You are worth and deserving of everything you want. EVERYTHING. You could add reminders of self love and self appreciation everywhere in your house and refer to it when triggered. Also remember to say this to yourself when triggered. At one point, I had the words "I am enough" in all my mirrors. I still have an "I am enough" daily reminder, it is written on my mirrors and it is the wallpaper on my phone. Now let it trickle down from your brain to your open warm heart and take root. |
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Post by tnr9 on Jul 8, 2018 9:15:31 GMT
I still have an "I am enough" daily reminder, it is written on my mirrors and it is the wallpaper on my phone. Now let it trickle down from your brain to your open warm heart and take root. ❤️ |
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Post by tnr9 on Jul 9, 2018 0:44:10 GMT
That is interesting.....the guy I dated is younger than me as well. I was introduced to his best friend (and other friends) and then his family after 2 months of dating...but only after he almost broke up with me...long story...not one I want to share publicly. No one can take your power away unless you give it to them...that is what my therapist used to tell me....so it is not that you are weak..it is that you are choosing to remain weak with "the guy you dated". It is ok if that is the choice you are making...but own it as your choice....not something you have no control over. Believe me..owning it will change your perspective...it will remind you that you do have power. I do give my power away, and I annoy myself so much for allowing it. I'm just reacting on impulse then and can't seem to bloody stop. Could you, instead of becoming annoyed with yourself, sit with yourself without judgement. I think that when you judge yourself, you are actually creating more of a dependence on him. |
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Post by DearLover on Jul 9, 2018 19:24:21 GMT
Exactly what I wanted to say tnr9 is spot on! No judgment of the self (or anybody else) what so ever.
Also, when you feel an impulse, stop and breathe. I know how tricky it is, I am very impulsive myself and always thought it was a good thing, but now that I am learning how to manage my impulses I know that it is not always wise to follow it.
So, an impulse arises. Stop. Sit with the impulse. Breathe. Talk to the impulse, say that you need to reflect a little bit more for maybe 5 minutes (or 10 minutes to half an hour, or a day)...then you ask yourself:
This action that my impulse wants me to take, where does it come from? Does it come from a place of love? is it going to benefit myself in any way, shape and form? (always put YOURSELF first and foremost and in the long term). How am I going to feel after everything is said, done, finished? Is it going to benefit him?
if you answer no, then don't do it.
I suspect the impulse will go away very quickly too.
if it comes from a place of love then you will know.
During the 9 months I went no contact, I did this process and the answers were always NO, simply because I wasn't ready yet. I still didn't have the communication tools, the vulnerability and the willingness to forgive us both and stop judging.
Once I became ready the answer changed to YES (the questions remained the same, I just wanted to contact him and close our connection in the right way)
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