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Post by Deleted on Aug 3, 2018 12:55:55 GMT
jacobsladder, i'm telling you their positions are founded in weakness and eventually they will be underneath their own weakness. if you act to empower yourself your position will be founded in strength and eventually you will prevail and live the life you desire. if you succumb you will also fall down under the i weight of their weakness. this is about you taking care of you, and that will make you a strong parent as well. not that you aren't. but lead by example internally knowing you don't get pushed around by weakness- yours or anybody else's. i mean this warmly. just keep going forward with you.
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Post by jacobsladder on Aug 3, 2018 13:08:36 GMT
Thank you juniper I always appreciate your honesty. This is the advice I needed right now, I do need to empower myself. I’m still in a lot of pain and I still don’t know what I’m gonna do, but I have an end goal and I can’t allow myself to be brought down by other people’s weakness. I knew backing away from the dance was the right thing to do for myself and I knew I might have to see her again. But I really didn’t see this one coming and it’s hit me right between the eyes. |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 3, 2018 13:36:42 GMT
Thank you juniper I always appreciate your honesty. This is the advice I needed right now, I do need to empower myself. I’m still in a lot of pain and I still don’t know what I’m gonna do, but I have an end goal and I can’t allow myself to be brought down by other people’s weakness. I knew backing away from the dance was the right thing to do for myself and I knew I might have to see her again. But I really didn’t see this one coming and it’s hit me right between the eyes. i am sure this really took your breath away. the seed of empowerment is in the soil and growing, just keep watering it with your remembrance of what your vision is for your life and relationships. The pain is part of the process, and can actually be viewed as a condition that supports the growth of that seed because with out it, you wouldn't need the seed to break through the soil. Nothing is lost by feeling all those feelings and surviving them. you will, you just can't see clearly to the other side yet. you're underneath it right now and that's why having some sanctuary away from it right now, with people who can support you, is what you need. i think you're doing great to be posting and showing your need for support here, and i'm sure it's the same with your good friend who is being a good comrade for you. this too shall pass and one day be a memory, one that led you to the next right step for you. keep going! |
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Post by jacobsladder on Aug 3, 2018 14:19:56 GMT
Thank you juniper I always appreciate your honesty. This is the advice I needed right now, I do need to empower myself. I’m still in a lot of pain and I still don’t know what I’m gonna do, but I have an end goal and I can’t allow myself to be brought down by other people’s weakness. I knew backing away from the dance was the right thing to do for myself and I knew I might have to see her again. But I really didn’t see this one coming and it’s hit me right between the eyes. i am sure this really took your breath away. the seed of empowerment is in the soil and growing, just keep watering it with your remembrance of what your vision is for your life and relationships. The pain is part of the process, and can actually be viewed as a condition that supports the growth of that seed because with out it, you wouldn't need the seed to break through the soil. Nothing is lost by feeling all those feelings and surviving them. you will, you just can't see clearly to the other side yet. you're underneath it right now and that's why having some sanctuary away from it right now, with people who can support you, is what you need. i think you're doing great to be posting and showing your need for support here, and i'm sure it's the same with your good friend who is being a good comrade for you. this too shall pass and one day be a memory, one that led you to the next right step for you. keep going! Thank you juniper I appreciate your words of encouragement more than you know. I do need the support, not everyone in my circle gets it. They do some math equation like.. “you were with her for this long and haven’t been with her for this long, so you shouldnt care” As I told my son’s Mum when she told me to get over it, no-one can tell me how to feel. And I’ve supported her on her journey to hell and back many times over the years. We’re all on our own individual journeys, no-ones feelings deserve to be invalidated, if we can relate to them or not. |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 3, 2018 14:35:57 GMT
jacobsladder , people who can't validate this for you have a narrow view. the situation is short term but the pain it triggers is life long and originates in your very foundation. you are tasked with repairing the foundation, and anyone who can't help you deconstruct and rebuild will have to shut up and get out of the way  for now, just keep doing what you're doing, the answers will come!
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Post by notalone on Aug 3, 2018 17:58:49 GMT
i am sure this really took your breath away. the seed of empowerment is in the soil and growing, just keep watering it with your remembrance of what your vision is for your life and relationships. The pain is part of the process, and can actually be viewed as a condition that supports the growth of that seed because with out it, you wouldn't need the seed to break through the soil. Nothing is lost by feeling all those feelings and surviving them. you will, you just can't see clearly to the other side yet. you're underneath it right now and that's why having some sanctuary away from it right now, with people who can support you, is what you need. i think you're doing great to be posting and showing your need for support here, and i'm sure it's the same with your good friend who is being a good comrade for you. this too shall pass and one day be a memory, one that led you to the next right step for you. keep going! Thank you juniper I appreciate your words of encouragement more than you know. I do need the support, not everyone in my circle gets it. They do some math equation like.. “you were with her for this long and haven’t been with her for this long, so you shouldnt care” As I told my son’s Mum when she told me to get over it, no-one can tell me how to feel. And I’ve supported her on her journey to hell and back many times over the years. We’re all on our own individual journeys, no-ones feelings deserve to be invalidated, if we can relate to them or not. My heart is heavy and with you. I relate to what you said here so, so much. I've heard some form of the comment "you shouldn't care" ("get over it", "don't you think you're overreacting?", "you're being kinda crazy") and that sort of math equation so often. I spent a lot of my life feeling stupid, broken and hating myself for having the feelings I do. Now I'm trying to deprogram those thoughts because I get that it's not about my intelligence or being broken, it's about attachment trauma. It's amazing to be part of a community that understands that, because most people don't. You are so right that no one deserves to have their feelings invalidated. I'm sure figuring out the best way to take care of yourself isn't easy since both going and not going may have consequences. You have a bit of time to decide. Sometimes a sleep and a shower helps me decide when I'm struggling to know what to do. I don't know if this helps but my therapist once told me "if you ever have to chose between guilt and resentment chose guilt". Whatever you chose, and however it goes, we're here to support you. |
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Post by jacobsladder on Aug 3, 2018 22:53:48 GMT
Thank you juniper I appreciate your words of encouragement more than you know. I do need the support, not everyone in my circle gets it. They do some math equation like.. “you were with her for this long and haven’t been with her for this long, so you shouldnt care” As I told my son’s Mum when she told me to get over it, no-one can tell me how to feel. And I’ve supported her on her journey to hell and back many times over the years. We’re all on our own individual journeys, no-ones feelings deserve to be invalidated, if we can relate to them or not. My heart is heavy and with you. I relate to what you said here so, so much. I've heard some form of the comment "you shouldn't care" ("get over it", "don't you think you're overreacting?", "you're being kinda crazy") and that sort of math equation so often. I spent a lot of my life feeling stupid, broken and hating myself for having the feelings I do. Now I'm trying to deprogram those thoughts because I get that it's not about my intelligence or being broken, it's about attachment trauma. It's amazing to be part of a community that understands that, because most people don't. You are so right that no one deserves to have their feelings invalidated. I'm sure figuring out the best way to take care of yourself isn't easy since both going and not going may have consequences. You have a bit of time to decide. Sometimes a sleep and a shower helps me decide when I'm struggling to know what to do. I don't know if this helps but my therapist once told me "if you ever have to chose between guilt and resentment chose guilt". Whatever you chose, and however it goes, we're here to support you. Thank you notalone a lot of people don’t understand it, but I think that’s where empathy is important. When your feelings are invalidated your shame increases and you are made to feel more alien. It’s very important to surround yourself with people that are supportive, even if they don’t fully understand what you’re going through. Im finding it very overwhelming, weddings are very happy places and there’s only 30 people attending. The thought of seeing her happy with someone else is unbearable for me, it produces overwhelming sadness. I’m so frustrated because I didn’t realize how much progress I had made in the last couple of months, until I was informed of this news. The pain and sadness is almost unbearable. Back at square one with very little left in the tank. |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 3, 2018 23:46:50 GMT
i feel pretty detached romantically from my previous partner (the first man i ever really experienced a feeling of love for, a fellow dismissive) but i am sure i would feel very sad to see him with a new partner also. It would be very difficult to witness. I wouldn't put myself through it even tho i am the one who needed to step back for reasons i have explained elsewhere. You haven't lost your overall progress this is just something big to grieve. i don't envy you  |
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Post by jacobsladder on Aug 4, 2018 1:02:51 GMT
i feel pretty detached romantically from my previous partner (the first man i ever really experienced a feeling of love for, a fellow dismissive) but i am sure i would feel very sad to see him with a new partner also. It would be very difficult to witness. I wouldn't put myself through it even tho i am the one who needed to step back for reasons i have explained elsewhere. You haven't lost your overall progress this is just something big to grieve. i don't envy you It’s not easy. I get these crazy impulses to text her and explain that I’m not over her or the damage and I’m gonna really struggle to see her there with someone else. Hoping that she might be like, oh I’ve hurt this guy enough already, maybe I’ll go on my own. I feel like part of the reason she is bringing this guy, is a buffer towards me too. I’m pretty sure she’s quite ashamed of a lot of her behaviour in the past and is probably terrified to face me. I was never gonna start a fight at a wedding, but I can understand why she’d think I would. Some of her behaviour was absurdly disrespectful and that goes beyond the push pull/deactivating strategies. Before I knew she was going with someone I was determined for her to think I was over her when I saw her; then have a positive interaction and kind of end things on a good note. It’s been hard for me to deal with that one bad night has created this landslide. I don’t like fearing someone and I don’t like someone fearing me either. It would have been good to be on genuine good terms if I was ever ready for a friendship sometime down the track. I don’t know if I can do that now because she’ll be shadowed by this new guy, I don’t think I can handle seeing her with someone else and I feel like I’ve lost all my inner strength that I’d been slowly building over the last few months. I’m feeling very tortured about the whole situation. |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 4, 2018 1:20:41 GMT
i feel pretty detached romantically from my previous partner (the first man i ever really experienced a feeling of love for, a fellow dismissive) but i am sure i would feel very sad to see him with a new partner also. It would be very difficult to witness. I wouldn't put myself through it even tho i am the one who needed to step back for reasons i have explained elsewhere. You haven't lost your overall progress this is just something big to grieve. i don't envy you It’s not easy. I get these crazy impulses to text her and explain that I’m not over her or the damage and I’m gonna really struggle to see her there with someone else. Hoping that she might be like, oh I’ve hurt this guy enough already, maybe I’ll go on my own. I feel like part of the reason she is bringing this guy, is a buffer towards me too. I’m pretty sure she’s quite ashamed of a lot of her behaviour in the past and is probably terrified to face me. I was never gonna start a fight at a wedding, but I can understand why she’d think I would. Some of her behaviour was absurdly disrespectful and that goes beyond the push pull/deactivating strategies. Before I knew she was going with someone I was determined for her to think I was over her when I saw her; then have a positive interaction and kind of end things on a good note. It’s been hard for me to deal with that one bad night has created this landslide. I don’t like fearing someone and I don’t like someone fearing me either. It would have been good to be on genuine good terms if I was ever ready for a friendship sometime down the track. I don’t know if I can do that now because she’ll be shadowed by this new guy, I don’t think I can handle seeing her with someone else and I feel like I’ve lost all my inner strength that I’d been slowly building over the last few months. I’m feeling very tortured about the whole situation. I mean, this is hard. As i read it, without trying to minimize your trigger here- what stands out to me is really, her horrible behavior toward you. The whole deal is triggering your abandonment anxiety and all that stuff, and it's easy to romanticize your entanglement with her but really- she was pretty much a shit partner no matter how enamored you were with her right? It's not a bad idea to remember what it really felt like to be disrespected by her, and try to take the rose tinted glasses off for that. Some anger would be empowering. I know you feel like the wind is knocked out of you- but seriously. Look who knocked the wind out of you. and she's friends with your sick ex. This is not romantic material it's nightmare material. It's not bad to keep it real. She sucked as a partner. That's what i'm hearing. It's not excusable even if your rumination tells you it is. or whatever rumination tells you- it's a bunch of lies from what i can gather from the outside. You're triggered. Use this opportunity to pop that fantasy romantic bullshit nostalgia and look at this in the clear light of day. You're emotionally hung over and wrung out. Read some good literature on the inner workings of AP for a look at what's being activated right now. take this out of the "love story" bin and put it in the "triggered attachment wound" bin. Then sort through the correct bin instead of getting lost in illusions. That might help? |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 4, 2018 1:25:52 GMT
and read your original post just to keep it real.
seriously she stinks.
she's bad news for you.
you're not over the triggers- she's just the inconsistent, unreliable female that is triggering you.
it's not love it's pain.
even when you were "together"- it was pain! triggers!
probably a ton of disrespect.
it never felt good.
that said, being finished can be good.
not that you're not feeling pain about it- but if someone's going to bring a shit storm to you emotionally it's better they do it from a place of estrangement than while a shit partner and then a shit fake friend.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 4, 2018 1:29:23 GMT
she was a dick and abused you right?
you're nostalgic.
it isn't real.
just harping on that for you 🙂
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Post by jacobsladder on Aug 5, 2018 6:24:27 GMT
You’re right juniper, she is bad news for me. She was a dick and abusive on occasions, also dishonest and manipulative, but most of the time superficialy polite or anxious for me not to dislike her. You’re right, I am being nostalgic and I hate it, I know she never had strong feelings for me and none of this is actually real. But I do know my pain and trauma is until I get back on the right path with my healing nothing will change. I just can’t come up with a good solution for this wedding. I think about texting her and honestly stating that I’m still dealing with some attachment trauma and emotional healing from when I was seeing her and I don’t think I could handle seeing her with someone else. That’s the honest truth, but I don’t know how she would react to it. I am emotionally hungover and wrung out, I am better that this, I just don’t know how to be right now. |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 5, 2018 11:04:41 GMT
You’re right juniper , she is bad news for me. She was a dick and abusive on occasions, also dishonest and manipulative, but most of the time superficialy polite or anxious for me not to dislike her. You’re right, I am being nostalgic and I hate it, I know she never had strong feelings for me and none of this is actually real. But I do know my pain and trauma is until I get back on the right path with my healing nothing will change. I just can’t come up with a good solution for this wedding. I think about texting her and honestly stating that I’m still dealing with some attachment trauma and emotional healing from when I was seeing her and I don’t think I could handle seeing her with someone else. That’s the honest truth, but I don’t know how she would react to it. I am emotionally hungover and wrung out, I am better that this, I just don’t know how to be right now. awh, i don't think it's about being "better than this" and, when i say you are emotionally hung over and wrung out, i'm being empathetic, not critical. so just know that. i am a big advocate of being real even when it's a vulnerable situation. my first reaction and even advice would be to do exactly as you said. i would lean toward making the statement as clinically as possible, realizing this is in the attachment wound bin and not the love story bin. if that is what you decide to do, i encourage you to work it out here and with close trusted people, as to your motive. for example, answer these questions and know what you're doing. do i have a preference for a particular response? what response, and what does that tell me about my motive? am i making a BOUNDARY by saying this and not going? that's a strong self respecting position. do i feel strong in my self respect? i am working toward security and to heal my attachment wounds. does this help me do that? am i able to say "this is what i think and feel" and let others say what they think and feel without taking that on to myself, internalizing it, and suffering needlessly for it? can i remain autonomous even if someone is a dick about it? there may be more things you need to settle in yourself first before you decide- but maybe that's a start? |
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Post by jacobsladder on Aug 5, 2018 13:19:05 GMT
You’re right juniper , she is bad news for me. She was a dick and abusive on occasions, also dishonest and manipulative, but most of the time superficialy polite or anxious for me not to dislike her. You’re right, I am being nostalgic and I hate it, I know she never had strong feelings for me and none of this is actually real. But I do know my pain and trauma is until I get back on the right path with my healing nothing will change. I just can’t come up with a good solution for this wedding. I think about texting her and honestly stating that I’m still dealing with some attachment trauma and emotional healing from when I was seeing her and I don’t think I could handle seeing her with someone else. That’s the honest truth, but I don’t know how she would react to it. I am emotionally hungover and wrung out, I am better that this, I just don’t know how to be right now. awh, i don't think it's about being "better than this" and, when i say you are emotionally hung over and wrung out, i'm being empathetic, not critical. so just know that. i am a big advocate of being real even when it's a vulnerable situation. my first reaction and even advice would be to do exactly as you said. i would lean toward making the statement as clinically as possible, realizing this is in the attachment wound bin and not the love story bin. if that is what you decide to do, i encourage you to work it out here and with close trusted people, as to your motive. for example, answer these questions and know what you're doing. do i have a preference for a particular response? what response, and what does that tell me about my motive? am i making a BOUNDARY by saying this and not going? that's a strong self respecting position. do i feel strong in my self respect? i am working toward security and to heal my attachment wounds. does this help me do that? am i able to say "this is what i think and feel" and let others say what they think and feel without taking that on to myself, internalizing it, and suffering needlessly for it? can i remain autonomous even if someone is a dick about it? there may be more things you need to settle in yourself first before you decide- but maybe that's a start? I know you weren’t being critical, but what you said was the truth and I’m not fighting it, I accept it as my present reality. I appreciate your empathy and I know based on our conversations that you have my best interests at heart. I get frustrated with myself because I feel like I am better than this and the majority of my core makeup is stronger than what I’m able to give to myself at the moment. Attachment trauma feels like a cancer sometimes, you might work on yourself diligently and it becomes manageable. But if you get worn down and your boundaries get shaky and things start to get a little out of your control, it can rot away at your very core until it totally consumes you. I guess that’s why it’s important we look after ourselves when things are going well too. This attachment stuff is daily maintenance on ourselves, take a few days off and things can go from good to bad to worse very quick. I know I’ll get out of this, I’m just lost, scared and hurt at the moment, I’m not afraid to admit that. I own it entirely. I need to get a new therapist too, because my current one isn’t working for me. The thought of opening myself to her like that makes me feel sick and a little pathetic and guilty, but it is an option I’m considering. The questions you mention are ones I need to ask myself. I honestly don’t know how she’d react, but my preference would be some kind of empathetic reaction like “oh I didn’t know you were hurting that bad, I don’t have to bring him.” Even if she tells everyone I’m obsessed and I can’t get over her, at least I wouldn’t have to see her with someone else. My motive is definitely selfish, I want to go to the wedding for my son and to continue to show him that his Mum and dad can still get along even if they’re not together. I know it’s important to him. I also don’t wanna be exposed to seeing someone that has a lot of hooks still in me with someone else. It is totally selfish, it’s all about my own comfort. Because I am scared shitless. I don’t know if I can go if this guy is going, if she told me she doesn’t care about my struggles, I would probably say that I can’t go. Working on myself has to come first and besides raising my son, it’s my number one goal, I know that it’s necessary for me to live a healthy and honest life and not hurt other people or be prone to getting hurt myself. If I don’t self repair, I’ll continue to make the same mistakes and be prone to more self pain. Not internalizing reactions is gonna be hard in my current state. Obviously I would try my best not to, but when I’m activated, which is pretty much 24/7 at the moment, it’s a one way trip down the rabbit hole. That might be a good reason not to ask her, but I don’t see an easy way out of this no matter what I do. That’s probably why I feel like the walls are closing in more and more the closer the date gets. This is a start though and as always I appreciate your input. |
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