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Post by brokenbiscuit on Jul 25, 2018 18:22:27 GMT
I'm a FA grieving my last relationship which ended a short while back. I know I shouldn't be dating whilst going through this (as an FA should I even be dating full stop?) but I need some companionship besides my smelly dog, so lo and behold, back to the horrors of online dating. This time with a new approach to how I will do things.
So in the last week or so I have been seeing someone new, we both agreed to take things slowly etc
I am taking this as an opportunity to see if my FA triggers can be deactivated now I am more aware. I don't want to hurt anyone else. If I feel things are too intense and I go into flight mode I will take a small step back, breathe, and resolve things with a more secure way of thinking, but so far nothing has been activated. I am trying to remain fully cogninant about who I am and the things I do, and making sure I don't do them again, as only both people get hurt from my actions. Never again.
This girl is sweet, lovely, blatantly has a good soul, gets my humour and she really likes me! Can tell quite easily. It's very nice to feel wanted again after the abandonment trauma I felt (and do still feel) from my last relationship. We are going slow and it's all very nice. No FA/AP intensity, which I miss (let's face it, we all want it, it's so addictive) but at this moment in time I need a calm and stable presence around me while I go through therapy and self learning/healing. She strikes me as secure. But...
QUESTION TIME
She tells me her last relationship was a ten year one with an alcoholic who basically bled her dry emotionally and financially. She hasn't give me many details of this relationship, but it strikes me that it affected her deeply, and understandably so based on the little I know.
I can't help but think, wouldn't it only be the AP type who would stay in a relationship like that for so long? Or am I making a horrific stereotype in my head (the old APs are victims one) and I shouldn't be overthinking this?
She isn't needy, doesn't text me 24/7 like previous ex APs do, seems emotionally calm and is happy to go at a slow pace. She seems secure... But her previous relationship dynamic does make me wonder
Am I overthinking things? Probably! In the meantime, I'm hoping for someone calm and lovely to talk to and be with, without the madness and drama of swirling unresolved attachment issues raising their head. No more. My soul can't take that anymore, I need to get better, and I can only do that with secure influences around me, hence my question above. Wishing you all a great week x
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Post by tnr9 on Jul 25, 2018 19:05:15 GMT
Just enjoy it! She sounds exactly what you need at this time.🙂
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Post by kristyrose on Jul 25, 2018 19:55:51 GMT
I agree!
Just enjoy it! I've been online dating as well but no luck so far which means I've actually been seeing my FA ex even more these days. I told him recently that our time is coming to an end for me and he is refusing to understand that once we meet other people, we cannot keep seeing each other. This way of thinking just sucks me back in and I need to be stronger.
So, to your point and post, being around secure people is just what you need and what I need as well, so I'm going to keep dating and working on myself!
Do not overanalyze! just enjoy, you deserve!
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Post by ocarina on Jul 26, 2018 5:48:28 GMT
By you own admission you’re still grieving your last relationship - and in effect using this new relationship to ease that pain. At the very heart of healing from attachment issues is the willingness and ability to deeply experience emotions and allow them to pass. I would suggest that making yourself feel better by finding a new partner is an act of avoidance in itself.
It’s allowing the focus to shift away from yourself and your pain. I see the appeal - as an fa I have been there many times myself.
It’s also impossible to acknowledge that you are one week into a relationship here and that the drama is very unlikely to surface for either of you at this stage- I love calm and peace in relationship and will flee from intensity and conflict but part of my healing has been to recognize that fleeing isn’t the answe but rather exacerbated the problem.
Apologies this may not be what you want to hear - and I acknowledge we are all different and this may not resonate with you.
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Post by brokenbiscuit on Jul 26, 2018 10:21:55 GMT
Well, as per previous two answers above it seems it is too soon for me. Real shame as she is very nice. I don't think she's quite over her previous relationship either so may be best to not enter into anything at the moment. She's aware I'm in therapy (she is too) but not what for. Think I'm better off alone until at least the new year and reevaluate things then. It's the loneliness and lack of companionship I'm finding hard to deal with at the moment,along with intrusive thoughts of my ex that I'm desperate to distract myself from. But yeah this is the wrong way of doing things. I need more self control
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Post by Deleted on Jul 26, 2018 11:34:56 GMT
Well, as per previous two answers above it seems it is too soon for me. Real shame as she is very nice. I don't think she's quite over her previous relationship either so may be best to not enter into anything at the moment. She's aware I'm in therapy (she is too) but not what for. Think I'm better off alone until at least the new year and reevaluate things then. It's the loneliness and lack of companionship I'm finding hard to deal with at the moment,along with intrusive thoughts of my ex that I'm desperate to distract myself from. But yeah this is the wrong way of doing things. I need more self control as awareness grows, every thought , feeling, action, and exchange is an opportunity for insight, so there are no mistakes. Here, you can take a compassionate look at an attempt to soothe your pain, see it was misguided, give yourself a hug and look for a new way. We act on impulse and habit to survive. But you'll come to thrive by recognizing, accepting, and transforming those impulses and habits. We've been given a good road map by those who've gone before and have good companions for the journey so just keep going, be open and willing as you are and you will see improvement over time. hang in there! |
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Post by brokenbiscuit on Jul 26, 2018 11:50:50 GMT
Thank you J x
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Post by tnr9 on Jul 26, 2018 12:16:52 GMT
Do you have any friends who can be with you during this process? I do not believe we are to white knuckle things on our own. I have some amazing friends who will sit with me and allow me to just speak to whatever painful feelings I have and then we will go to a movie or shop or have dinner together. I think being without friends would be incredibly painful on top of the grieving you are already going through.
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Post by brokenbiscuit on Jul 26, 2018 12:29:29 GMT
My avoidant style reaches as far as my friendships I'm afraid. My two best friends live in other cities now a long way from me, and my old friend network is in my old hometown. I still keep in touch with them all sporadically via text, but when they offer for me and my son to come over for things like barbecues, hangouts etc I can't seem to make myself do it. It's pretty crap, as I know they care for me and like my company (and vice versa), it's just that I have the recluse thing down to a tee. It's one of the things I'm trying to change about myself. But I do miss the one v one aspect of a love relationship. That's the aspect of connection I desire the most
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Post by Deleted on Jul 26, 2018 12:38:56 GMT
My avoidant style reaches as far as my friendships I'm afraid. My two best friends live in other cities now a long way from me, and my old friend network is in my old hometown. I still keep in touch with them all sporadically via text, but when they offer for me and my son to come over for things like barbecues, hangouts etc I can't seem to make myself do it. It's pretty crap, as I know they care for me and like my company (and vice versa), it's just that I have the recluse thing down to a tee. It's one of the things I'm trying to change about myself. But I do miss the one v one aspect of a love relationship. That's the aspect of connection I desire the most oooh, this is how i spent most of my almost 5 decades of life, boy do i know the hermit life. I found that opening to relationship and intimacy outside my most active and acute attachment pattern (romantic arena) was what Life had on tap for me. i had to begin to heal there first to create a stable foundation to walk out and heal my patterns in romantic partnership. Get real with peers, you won't regret it. Change the habit. small steps. don't hide in your history- make a new normal. not telling you what to do, but i am challenging you, because i have been there and the only way to change is to.... change.  |
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Post by brokenbiscuit on Jul 26, 2018 12:53:07 GMT
You have read my thoughts...that's exactly what I am planning to do. Will be moving back to my old hometown soon which will give me a closer distance to my old friends, and then the chance to not make excuses for myself for not seeing them so much. Also plan on using the meetup app once I am there, to embark on new activities that I can do (hiking, art classes etc) which will hopefully lead to new friendships and connections to help overcome my avoidant style. Like you say, small steps, but positive ones. Maybe the romance will need to come later and less forced, let's see
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Post by Deleted on Jul 26, 2018 13:27:47 GMT
You have read my thoughts...that's exactly what I am planning to do. Will be moving back to my old hometown soon which will give me a closer distance to my old friends, and then the chance to not make excuses for myself for not seeing them so much. Also plan on using the meetup app once I am there, to embark on new activities that I can do (hiking, art classes etc) which will hopefully lead to new friendships and connections to help overcome my avoidant style. Like you say, small steps, but positive ones. Maybe the romance will need to come later and less forced, let's see YES!!! It was quite a process for me to make myself open and available. just wow: it was really a process! now it's natural. for the most part. I will probably always be super quirky lol. but. i'm a part of a great cycle. I wouldn't trade it for the world: (but i do trade it for solitude regularly- i found a way to make it all work and i am happy!!!! ❤️❤️❤️) |
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Post by brokenbiscuit on Jul 26, 2018 13:50:48 GMT
I think I'm going to use you as my role model for a better life
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Post by ocarina on Jul 26, 2018 15:31:45 GMT
Juniper has helped me a great deal - particularly in this area. I also get the aching desire for intimacy coupled with the horrific fear that swirls around with it. I get the loneliness too - even around friends it's possible to feel this quite intensely. I have spent some time recently cultivating vulnerability with my trusted friends and family - being able to let down the lone wolf cloak once in a while is really liberating, and for me at least, had provided genuine intimacy with platonic friends - something I had never really had before. It's a wonderful feeling - got to be worth a try!
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Post by Deleted on Jul 26, 2018 15:48:58 GMT
Juniper has helped me a great deal - particularly in this area. I also get the aching desire for intimacy coupled with the horrific fear that swirls around with it. I get the loneliness too - even around friends it's possible to feel this quite intensely. I have spent some time recently cultivating vulnerability with my trusted friends and family - being able to let down the lone wolf cloak once in a while is really liberating, and for me at least, had provided genuine intimacy with platonic friends - something I had never really had before. It's a wonderful feeling - got to be worth a try! i get the ache for intimacy too, now that i have experienced it in friendship and also with my recent partner. I hold it there in my chest and let it be, and i can smile about it, i trust myself to be able to love it and take care of it. If i need to cry i cry. Often, i just say "And so you are, an ache, i can feel you and I'm here for you" and it's poignant, i can let it be there and understand that the ache has been soothed in good ways, ways that are healing, and i can make that happen again. I can turn it to something or someone i love who is available to me, i can just sit with it and let it come in and recede like a tide, i can do whatever i want. I know it is a different thing for an avoidant; i don't have the urgency of anxiety. But anxiety can also be calmed. It's the nervous system, and it's part of our breathing and our heart. You can still calm anxiety with breath, with awareness. I have done that through severe PTSD and i have read it can be done with attachment anxiety as well- perhaps with visualizations and meditation. I don't know exactly how to do that with attachment anxiety, but i believe it can be done. |
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