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Post by stayhappy on Aug 9, 2018 12:54:29 GMT
I am a secure and I text back as soon as see/can answer it. I was confused in the start because I thought he was not interested but he was. I didn’t care if it took long time to for him to answer my others “not important” texts but just the ones about inviting to do something was important to me to know.
Now that I know about attachment style I can understand better what was going on. While for me it felt more natural that the more we had fun and get closer together the more I wanted to experience things with him for him taking some breaks efter so much “intimacy” was necessary! We made some “communication deals”, he got the space he wanted and I get to know when he needed space so I could do other funny stuff.
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Post by happyidiot on Aug 9, 2018 20:56:41 GMT
Texting behaviour is not so cut and dry to me because every secure I know can sometimes take ages to reply to texts. Sometimes they totally forget about texts and it was nothing malicious. I say they are secures because either they've taken a test and told me about it, or their lives just scream secure, like they have been happily married for ages and have lots of close friends that they've known for ages, and even I as an AP feel totally secure with them. Is your experience different, that secures always text back promptly? The heaviest texters with the fastest response times I personally know are the most extreme APs I know. There are people I know that are always slow to answer texts, I guess it is just how they are. But this DA guy I was seeing changed from being kind of fast to answer to like taking days to text back. It is not about answering right back, people have a job and have other stuff to do but if I invite someone to do something together I do wait for an answer. I think it is rude to wait for the last minute to say “sorry I can’t”. Well I wanted to spend time with that person and it’s totally fine if he did not want or could do that but I thought it was rude to keep me waiting, I could have planned something else to do or whatever. Anyway efter he did the same thing a few times again I said “I’m sorry but I if you can’t say yes/no/maybe/I have to check when I want to see you then it’s better if we stop seeing each other. It’s a deal breaker for me”. Guess what? He never lefted me waiting for an answer anymore. Oh that makes sense. It's more about the dramatic inconsistency. The secures I know are slow quite often and I know I can just call any of them if I need a quick reply since they aren't afraid of phonecalls. I'm glad that you stood up for your boundaries and that it was effective. I did the same thing with a DA who took days to text me back about plans and found it effective as well. |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 10, 2018 12:39:13 GMT
i agree, it's important to have a middle ground that works for both people to satisfy communication needs. It's like everything else in a relationship- a joint effort, cooperation, respect, care. One person should not have to live in an impinged way because the other person sets the entire tone for interaction. that's so lame. With my partner who was avoidant, i just communicated that i will do me, he could do him, but if we couldn't meet in the middle with communication i'd lose the hots pretty quick. i don't know a single person including him that doesn't appreciate a response. so i appreciate your boundary as well stayhappy! Maybe that was the secure in me taking- but even as a dismissive i like communication with a partner about when we will see each other, it's kind of commonsense to me, otherwise why would we be bothering? |
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Post by cspragu on Aug 14, 2018 18:49:00 GMT
i am a DA female and the behavior you are describing does not seem like DA but rather FA with the early pursuit and even becoming "official." i don't know how to steer you past it as it takes time for this dynamic to unfold- i think it may be easier to get an early read on a DA because we don't prioritize relationship ever much less with someone we are not too familiar with. if anything i would consider too much intensity or involvement early on a red flag for FA- as they do crave relationship from what i understand and work hard to build that initial connection before they become avoidant and bolt because of inner conflict. just my opinion of the situation you are presenting. This was my experience with mine. She would approach with a vengeance and be VERY enthusiastic about getting things going and spending time together. Then she would pull a 180 after about 2-2.5 months. Communication broke down, connectedness and emotional presence waned, requests for space would ensue even though I let her be the one to schedule most of our time together. Its incredibly confusing. It seems like they just tire of the demands of the relationship that they wanted. Even when those demands are basic. It comes across as disinterest or a cold flakiness when in reality its a response to the emotional closeness becoming a threat. Then the sudden and unexpected breakup, followed by a cooling off period, then the re approach. |
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