How my AP manifested with last bf

It is good to look at your own behaviour and learn how you are reacting / behaving - awareness is always a good thing and the first step to change.

I do, however, think that APs can be easily led by others (non-APs) to look at their own faults as being the root of issues and often they readily jump at the chance to take responsibility for them.
This is because their self-esteem is often low and they devalue themselves before others.

As a recovering AP (testing quite Secure), I think you would be better to read, digest and reflect yasmin's points in her post - this contains the keys to AP change:


Prefacing this post with a reminder that I am FA, and the reason I make these observations is that I am seeing / listening to so many AP posts and stories and seeing so many threads running through them and I wanted to comment on a few things I see repeated over and over and some observations on that. None of this is in any particular order. I have a thick thread of AP running through me and I have been there, felt it, done it and I am with all the APs in total solidarity with this one so although there's tough love in here there's no judgement. there ain't nuthin on this list I have not done myself or not realised about myself at one point or another!

This is all going to be a little bit random, but I just wanted to offer some of this...



1. You all seem to think /feel that you are worth less / not as good as the DA or FA in your life. This seems to be an almost universal belief every AP seems to have - almost as if you deserve to be rejected and you need to improve yourself or change yourself to be worthy or that someone else you have never met is going to be more worthy than you are. I see and read this in almost every thread on this site. I think for most APs this is a totally self fulfilling prophecy. If you act like you are worth less, the other person is going to think you are too. I let the FA I dated get VERY comfortable treating me like crap.


2. The DA or FA you are relating to might act like you are a burden of some sort, but please, remember he or she is getting a payoff from your arrangement with them. I'm not saying all DAs or FAs are cruel and selfish or stereotyping ANYONE here, but somewhere in the equation, they quite like the fact that you pursue them in order to get their emotional needs met and the anxious-avoidant cycle of attachment ensues because THEY choose it as much as you do. They get as much out of it as you do. They just don't realise it as easily. People only do something if they want to.


3. You all seem to have the same characteristic of feeling responsible or in control of someone else's life as if something YOU can say or do can solely transform a relationship without realising it ALWAYS takes two people. That's maybe not phrased right, but there's so much of this desperation to want the person to "see" they are DA or FA and for you to solve the puzzle and win the game somehow or get some magic answer that gives you the fairytale ending which somehow resolves life for you. The answer is always the same "if the person you are dating isn't making you happy, ask them to change. If they don't change then LEAVE and date someone else who does make you happy". Why they are doing it doesn't matter. That is basically irrelevant. It's almost like you want to rescue / save / take responsibility for the relationship and you feel like if you say / do /be the exactly perfect way that this will somehow change the result. You're never going to change anybody. Never, never, never, never, never NEVER! The reason your DA or FA rejects you and pulls away and confuses you if because THEY are f**ed up and because your own nature brings out the worst of that. Nothing you say or do will change that. You've got no control over anything that happens in your relationship beyond (1) stating your needs (2) walking away if they're not met. It can be simplified to those two sentences every single time. No person in the history of time has ever gone from a crappy relationship to a good one without the person who is behaving crappily choosing to change. Husbands on't stop hitting their wives because they behaved nicely. Alcoholics don't stop drinking because you were good enough. DAs don't stop distancing because you behaved nicely. People change because they change. Not because you did good enough.


4. All APs seem to share this way of treating a goodbye like a soap opera. That might sound mean, but so many on here post details of break ups or conversations with clear rejections and even when you post break up letters or messages saying goodbye, they still read as being a little manipulative emotionally, as if you can say goodbye in this certain way that is going to make the person realise how amazing you are, how benevolent you are, and how much they loved you and come back. to be honest, in a lot of these relationship situations I think you'd be better off (a) ignoring the person completely or (b) getting angry and showing it. It's almost like even in the goodbye you believe if you're the better person that it will make you "good enough". It's like an act of self violence. This person hurt you and dumped you. Feel free to tell them to go to hell or stop speaking to you. Even doing that will make you feel better long term.


5. You seem to neglect your own feelings totally and worry all the time about what the FA or DA feels or thinks. Honesty? That's their problem! Stop taking responsibility for someone else's feelings. If they feel bad they should sort their life out. It's almost like you consider your own feelings as less important. They're not! I guarantee.


6. You beat yourselves up ALL THE TIME. This seems to be the default AP setting that everything is your fault. It's not.


7. AP attachment is a lot like anxiety. I have a relative with hypochondria who needs constant reassurance that they are not sick and is always inventing reasons to think they are sick. they actually make themselves sick from being so stressed about being sick. It looks and feels so similar, and maybe focusing on anxiety work would be helpful. I know when I am triggered I ruminate, obsess and feel very desperate. That's anxiety.


Sorry if all this is jumbled and at times harsh. I have been reading on here for months now and these are just observations. I have stayed away from the FA I was dating and I have also rejected anyone who has show signs of avoidance or emotional unavailability and thus have been clear from any AP feelings for a long time. It gives me enough distance to observe how frankly nuts my own behavior was when I was triggered.

He was treating me like crap and I was feeling like it was because I wasn't good enough. Do you realise how ridiculous that sentence is? It pains me a lot to see so many people going through it over and over and over again lost for months or years pining after someone like this. You all deserve love. None of you need to be better. You just need to love yourselves better.

i still am gonna chuckle every time i type your name happyidiot 😂

From what i understand , the feeling of self blame for the failure of the relationship is very much an AP thing. And it isn't realistic! But i believe it is tied to an underlying belief that there is something inherently lacking in oneself. The thing is, insecurely artached individuals , until there is awareness and fundamental growth and healing, unconsciously choose other insecurely attached individuals for relationships. Anxious mates typically choose avoidant mates. These two attachment styles are both dysfunctional and emotionally unavailable, but remain trapped in a cycle of relating that is harmful to themselves, and each other. The failure of the relationship is based in the inability of either partner to recognize and honor and take care of their own needs as individuals in the relationship, and as partners to each other. The pattern of relating is often referred to the AP/DA dance, and both partners step on each other's toes, trip themselves and each other up, and continually try to get the other to step to their own tune, it's a painful mess for both actually.
So, no, it's not your fault.

However- if you'd like to pick a better dance partner and be a better dance partner, you need to learn a new dance! And find someone who can dance it with you, instead of against you.

It is one thing to recognize the thinking, beliefs, patterns of emotion, and behavior that developed as a survival response to an inadequate caregiver when you were small and dependent, and to see how they are flawed and dangerous to you when they manifest in your adult relationships.

it's quite another to think if you just did something different, you could somehow have saved a relationship with a partner that is somehow emotionally unavailable to you.

A person's emotional unavailability is rooted within themselves. Your ex partners unavailability isn't about you. Your emotional unavailability (which is what it is when you aren't able to be authentically you, true to you, and are acting out old unconscious patterns instead of securely relating) - it isn't about him. You guys just created a dynamic together, that didn't lead to emotional intimacy and enduring love.

So; that's where the introspection comes in. And that's what will set you free.

Anxious and Avoidant partners are unlikely to be good partners for each other, and are unlikely to show up in this dynamic in a way that truly feels healthy and authentic for themselves, either. Both parties tend to be forced or feel compelled by internal conflict, to abandon themselves and also, in the emotional shitstorm that ensues from unresolved attachment issues and pain, they abandon each other. It's not love, it's unconscious attachment patterns repeating. There is a great thread titled Repitition Compulsion that addresses that.

But this doesn't mean that anxious can't heal and grow and be a great partner to someone who isn't diametrically opposed to them in attachment style! that doesn't mean that an avoidant can't heal and grow and be a great partner to a person who isn't diametrically opposed to them in attachment style.

So, i don't know if your partner was FA or whatever. The thing is, it doesn't matter, he isn't available. And that is painful. Your own attachment style led you down the rabbit hole, like my attachment style as led me down the rabbit hole. We are different, you and i , anxious and avoidant- but we share a hardwired inability to forge true intimacy until we do some re-wiring, I am working on it, and i am glad to see you working on it too.

For me, it has meant learning how to listen to my own internal narrative and question it. I have had to revisit a lot of trauma to deal with it head on emotionally. I have had to do a lot of inner child work, and it's been extremely difficult at times but has rewarded me with a deep and tender love for myself , and understanding of myself; and an ability to be a good friend to myself. You abandoned yourself, not believing in yourself. But all this work can help you draw close to your very own heart and become your own champion, so that you don't have to let other voices or idea override you. Your voice will be strong, clear, reasonable, wise, and you will hear it and be able to speak clearly, your true authentic voice. so that others can hear it. You can gain the understanding and care of others when you can give it to yourself.

I am unable to provide too much direct advice as to how to proceed, as my experience and what works for me may not benefit you, the differences in what is needed to heal may be important. But i do support you.

I'm glad you're here, and admire your courage for this undertaking. 🌸

i think it takes a long time to tune into our true voice.

As far as romantic relationship, i know that i had a big awakening when i challenged myself with the question :

what am i lying to him about to avoid risking?

I'm avoidant, so my answers might not be like your answers. or maybe you don't fib and hide from a romantic partner that you really care about and want to deepen a relationship with. .
i really don't know!
But, i fibbed and lied all the time to protect myself. Not malicious lies, or big secret activities that would hurt him like infidelity and things like that.
i his my feelings for him.
I actually held back a lot of details of my life (that's a habit i didn't even
really realize i was so bad about) while wishing he knew more and cared more about my life. about the things i never shared. really, it was kind of silly but at least i picked up on what i was doing.
there was lots of stuff that i just all of the sudden started reforming.
that's when i told him i love him and i don't mind if he doesn't love me back.
well that was a lie so i immediately corrected myself and said "i am aware that i love you, and of course i will feel a little humiliated to put myself out like this and not be reciprocated, but of course i understand that risk and i am taking it anyway because my goal here is to be true, not to be reciprocated."
Ha.
all kinds of weird and awkward but totally honest conversations ensued.
He never did say he loves me but he mentioned the 100 things about me he doesn't want to live without.
but honestly that wasn't the point the point was me being authentic and i am really proud of myself for how i got good at that.

so- my lies and coverups as an avoidant may be different but maybe this will help you discover some ways that you also mask your true self to feel safe with someone in an intimate relationship.